Men who Freak Out

[clynn]

Okay, so my current beau and I have been dating for a few months. Nothing too, too serious, but we seemed to be developing something. Had a wonderful time over the summer when we met up with each other for a little holiday and he even met my dad.

Anyhow, I generally let him make the moves, the phoning or emailing or whatever and I respond promptly. I've gotten the feeling more or less that he is comfortable with this, maybe even more comfortable.

Now we are back and both heading back to work after some time off. Though we met for a few days on holidays, we otherwise did our own independent travelling, as we are both that type, and we had made our own separate plans anyhow.

But this weekend he was heading to an awards banquet for which he was nominated for an award. It is a community association that I'm involved with as well. normally I wouldn't otherwise be too interested in going to the banquet, but since he was nominated, I asked him if he wanted company. He said yes, of course.

Anyhow, that little gesture alone seemed enough to really through him. I could sense his awkwardness with it (throughout the evening). And when we got home that night we started talking about that and other things, and he seems to be getting all squeamish about the relationship, hoping I'm not expecting too much, blah blah. He likes what we've got going on, but doesn't really know about anything more, blah blah.

Enough talking and then he seems to start backtracking and I did spend the night regardless and by the time he dropped me off the next day he said, gee, it was a good night (interestingly enough the intimacy that night was particularly open and lots of talking about sex....). . . . He wondered if maybe he shouldn't have said anything at all.

Arggghhh. I don't really know at all. frankly I don't want to bring up this discussion again cuz it was exhausting and upsetting for me and the truth is I am not overly anxious to get him to commit in any big way. I told him my expectations to date have been pretty low, (mutual respect), .... as we haven't had any discussions to date. But now that we were talking about it, I guess I'd like to let you know that I'm not dating anyone else and haven't been. He confirmed he wasn't either and that this is consistent with his expectations too.

Argggh....I feel like this is a pattern with men, or at least for me and men. That we date for a while, they seem to be putting forward the interest, and then they seem to freak themselves out - without any pushing or prompting from me, and then back off.

To be honest, by the time we said goodbye I wasn't too sure if what we had was really great break up sex or what?

He phoned me up the next day to talk and I wasn't around but I expect I'll talk to him in the next day or so. I'm reluctant to actually address anything at this point, cuz I felt like we talked a lot in circles, and all it did was exhaust and confuse us?

[TAVS]

I know I'm confused, that's for sure.

[mini696]

I hate women who expect the men to make all the moves. How else are we meant to feel loved if it is us who goes for the kiss or hug. Why cant women take an equal footing and give their man some affection?

Mick

[clynn]

Confused? Really? Probably cuz I rambled in my message, is that it?

How 'bout this to keep it brief and as simple as possible?

Do we think that there are some men that are much more comfortable when they are making the moves? I don't really mean in the bedroom but in general....they like to be doing the calling and inviting out?

Do you think that sometimes a man might be thrown when a woman begins to take a bit more control in the relationship? Consciously? Or subconsciously?

[clynn]

I hate women who expect the men to make all the moves. How else are we meant to feel loved if it is us who goes for the kiss or hug. Why cant women take an equal footing and give their man some affection?

Mick

Hey, Mick. Funny, out of all that you read into that I don't offer him affection. I guess I don't very often. A bit shy that way. So is he, but you're right, when it comes right down to it...it probably is him that initiates this stuff more often than not......so you think that he might have started to back off on the relationship because he is feeling uncertain about my level of interest / affection....even if he didn't actually say so. Hmmm.

[shh!]

Do we think that there are some men that are much more comfortable when they are making the moves? I don't really mean in the bedroom but in general....they like to be doing the calling and inviting out?

Yes. I know some like this.

[Tone]

Really? Probably cuz I rambled in my message, is that it?

How 'bout this to keep it brief and as simple as possible?

Do we think that there are some men that are much more comfortable when they are making the moves? I don't really mean in the bedroom but in general....they like to be doing the calling and inviting out?

Do you think that sometimes a man might be thrown when a woman begins to take a bit more control in the relationship? Consciously? Or subconsciously?

Not a single non-question in this post! Amazing! Every sentence is ended with a question mark...

Anyways I'm REALLY sorry for making a pointless post in your thread - but while we're off topic - [url]http://www.loveforum.net/gallery/uploadphoto.php[/url]

My curiousity has been killin me ever since you first started posting here!

[clynn]

Okay. Will do. But you have to answer the question(s) first!

[Mish]

Hi clynn

"and he seems to be getting all squeamish about the relationship, hoping I'm not expecting too much, blah blah. He likes what we've got going on, but doesn't really know about anything more, blah blah."

Ummm. I don't like this bit right here. It's almost as if, he wants to keep his options open? Like, he is fine with the way things are and he's not looking for anyone yet, but suppose if some opportunity was to come along he may very willingly take that opportunity on board (Just my opinion). I think, this issue is broader than him freaking out or being too scared of making moves. I think this may do more with him not being ready to committ to you... I'm not quite sure, what is the right way of dealing with this one. Maybe ask him when he says he hopes you are not expecting too much, what does he REALLY mean???

Hope above helps!!!

[mini696]

I treat women with the same respect that I expect to get in return. I also will expect them to give me an equal share of affection, otherwise I feel like I am doing "all the work" and they dont like/love me they way I do.

My current GF has turned cold on me and isnt anywhere near as affectionate as she used to be. There are lots of possible reasons, but it sh!ts me when she does this.

Mick

[Ellynn]

I think he wants to spend time with you when its convienient for him....(hence the whole asking you/calling you first etc). It sounds like the idea of an actual relationship to him....sounds scary. I think its sad and pathetic if you suggest doing something together that he gets uncomfortable. I mean seriously if you like someone then why is the whole "control" and "who calls/emails each other first" a big issue? If a guy is into you...and wants to be with you..I would think it wouldn't matter as long as the two of you spend time together... And I wouldn't shoot yourself for trying to make a move and then have the guy get freaked out.....and then have him back off.
Those are probably the guys that are best to avoid...if your looking for a relationship....and something actually worthwhile.

It happens to me too. I mean I mention the word "relationship" and some guys get really scared. They act like Im asking for a marriage proposal or that I want to have kids with them....lol. All I want is a relationship that is monogomous and just us hanging out and having fun together. Honestly I don't think its much to ask for.....but for some guys they feel its like a trap.

They have either been hurt before or don't want to deal with the drama of dating....due to bad past experiences. So they avoid relationships altogether and just choose to "date". They date a/ or several women at once and just have fun.. Sex, fun, romance....without commiting themselves to a relationship. This is how they have it all....and don't have to worry about commitment.

Some girls are cool with this....but I am someone who just doesn't want to date random people and sleep with them. One man is enough drama for me....and i prefer him to be someone I call "my bf".

[Tone]

Deal.

First off, don't give him any with the way he's acting... I mean think about it... he's acting a fool about being committed to you, but he's still getting sex. He is getting what he wants without giving you what you want. If someone else comes along he thinks he likes better, guess what, he can go for it. Why? Cause he keeps avoiding the "us" talk. Stop putting out.

All this stuff frustrates me... I'm so ready to just meet a girl, I like her, she likes me, and go from there. None of these games, and the whole BS I hear people go through. I mean you either like someone or you don't. What's it going to hurt for him to give you a chance and tell you he wants to be exclusive? I mean he's getting sex from you, so to me - that means you guys should be exclusive. Otherwise he's just using you, which I hate to say, think is the case... I mean if he gets all "Oh I shouldn't have said that... oh I hope you don't expect much..." when it comes to the "us" talks... but then a night you talk about sex and intimacy and it's a "good night" in his words. Dunno just seems to me there's no reason, if he's having sex with you, that he should be acting all stupid about the "us" talk unless all he wants is sex.

Now, picture. :)

[Only-virgins]

Cliff note please.

[clynn]

Yah, I'm just going to leave everything be for now. He's phoned each day since.

Truth be told, prior to the other evening, my complaints with how the relationship was progressing or my level of satisfaction with it would have been Zero. It was him bringing up things (mostly) and it was really that one night that was a bit off in comparison to other times we've spent together. Otherwise, things seem to flow pretty good and the time and attention I get from him I feel is appropriate (and enjoyable) considering the amount of time we've been dating and both of our other commitments.

Hmmm, so who knows. I am not feeling overly anxious to see him again anytime soon and yet am quite comfortable talking with him on the phone. By the time I see him again, ...?????

Does he just want sex? Hmm. Maybe. Except that we do spend time together and don't have sex. Like we'll have daytime dates, and we talk on the phone a fair bit also.

...and truthfully, this may sound really crass, particularly coming from a woman, because I know we don't think of women having needs also...however, in my brain, I figured, if we're breaking up (or not)...I at least would like to have a little on my way out the door....

[Tone]

Does he just want sex? Hmm. Maybe. Except that we do spend time together and don't have sex. Like we'll have daytime dates, and we talk on the phone a fair bit also.

Then why should there be any problem here? Why not just say you guys are exclusive?

Now, picture.