he has abandonment issues, post breakup help please!!!

[toonsy]

Hello all!
We fell in love....hard! It was very intense for us both, bringing forth a lot of vulnerability for us. He told me he felt i was the one he wished for but never thought he'd find.

He always said he was afraid i'd "run". He 'tested' and 'sabotaged' to his own admittance. That plus added stress in his life, and arguments happened about every 3 weeks after while. It became too 'overwhelming' for him (the stress) that he broke things off. It was very painful for him to do. In all of his pushing me away, and comments of "maybe you need another guy"....i told him that i contacted someone else when i sensed the breakup. He crumbled. I guess i called his bluff....but i didnt really mean to do that. I didnt want anyone else, i felt 'pushed' to do it.

In our breakup talk, he said to me.....I have a hard time believing someone could love me so much......if my mother really loved me why did she give me away? (He was adopted as an infant). It broke my heart to hear this.

We decided to see others, try to build a freindship and see what the future holds. In his hurt and frustration....he quickly starting dating his best friend's, girlfriend's friend - he met the weekend after we broke up. I kind of knew that would happen after he knew i contacted someone else.

Well, since then, I wrote him a letter. I told him i never wanted anyone else and that i never wanted to contact anyone else. That i love him and we are meant to be. We just need to work through some issues.

He replied that he still felt for me too, but that we just need to work on a friendship. He admitted to starting to see this girl, and said they dont argue and are taking things "going with the flow", no pressure. He said he is still stressed with all his work and exams and is just needed to really ease off things. He said she is not comfortable with him and i seeing one another even as friends so we are just emailing occassionally....

Clearly he has abandonment issues. I am not hurt that he is seeing someone else. She is 10 years younger and I am sure feels "safe" right now. I am smart enough to see if for what it really is.

Here's the hard part. I have still not run from him. I am not pining or depressed, but I know this bond between us is too important to give up on. So the best I can do is talk to him via email occassionally, let him know I am still 'here'. He says he doesnt want to know if i am dating anyone. He says "you never know what the future holds".....all those things you say in these situations.

But i know his abandonmnet issues are what made him run, and what is keeping us apart. I know i need to just 'be here' for when he is ready. I am sure he will realize this girl is not what he wants. Its filler. He is very open with me. I am sure he doesnt really see everything for what it is just yet. He is too pulled in many directions right now. Kind of emotionally compartmentalizing things. I am not running after him, nor away from him. I have told him my feelings. I have not said "i am waiting", nor have I told him i have decided not to date right now.

Many people turn the "no contact" card but I know that is the wrong thing in dealing with someone with abandonment issues. I am doing no pressure. I am being respectful of his relationship. I am 'here'.

Can anyone offer any more advice?

[toonsy]

**edit** wait a sec...he's seeing someone else?Makes me think of the thread "Worst Dumps"...very odd situation..that he can't be with you due to these abandonment issues..but he can be with someone else?!?[/QUOTE]

Yes, i know people would see that, which is why i pointed out HOW they got together. She is in the "inner circle". His buddies, girlfreind's friend (10 years younger). He was out, drunk and upset knowing I was with (possibly) someone. Like I said, I can see it for what it is. She is 'safe', no pressure (no feelings are there), and creating a comfort where I am gone. Kinda textbook....transparant. But, we agreed to see others so it is not a wrong move. I know when he felt i was with someone, he found someone quickly.

I agree with you about him needing help. But, for now, given the situation.....the only thing I know to do is just 'reassure' him I am still here. Even if that is just freindly emails every once in a while. I havent "run". I know if we get back together it is something we will really need to work through.

I wish there was someone out there who is familiar with this. Aparantly it's pretty common with people who have been adopted.

[Junket]

dang..now thats a long post.....

Dude.

That's nothing.

Nothing.

[Mish]

Hi toonsy

hmmmm

It sounds like you really really love this guy. How long did your relationship last? How old are you and how old is he? How long are you willing to wait for this guy?

I think you strategy of waiting it out may work. From what you have described of his current relationship and given his (Let's call it depression) he may sabotage that one too and may even come back to you. That's not the real issue i am seeing here. The real issue, is are you happy being with someone as unpredictable and insecure as that? Suppose he comes back to you in a few months time, will you be happy knowing that at any time he may snap again and leave you just like that? Will you be happy constantly reassuring him that you are the one for him and that you really DO love him and you are not like other people. Will you be happy every time he rejects that and not believe you? Will you be ever able to trust him again?

Well, a little bit of food for thought here

Respect...

[toonsy]

Thank you. He is 36, I am turning 34 in a couple of days. We dated 6 months. We've both been married in our pasts as well...

Yes, I know there would be hills to climb. The thing is, when you find someone you make a 'connection' with that is so unforgettable and unbelievable and everything you hoped for - it opens up a flood gate of vulnerability within you. For him, abandonment. He feared I would hurt him or run from him one day. For me (and I am realizing this now) it was the fear of completely opening up my communication to him. I can relate to his 'fears' because I know I felt them too. Tapping into that inner piece of yourself can be very overwhelming.

Yes. I am willing. I know it would not be easy. It would take my ability to learn to be completely open to him without fear, and his ability to learn to open himself to this kind of love without fear. If we passed these hurdles together, it's the kind of relationship most people dream of. I cant hardly explain to you the connection we felt. Sounds crazy, i know.

Hard part is, the one he is seeing now (only 26) is not comfortable with us seeing each other. Perhaps she senses something, I dont know. So even though I can call if I choose to, I do not out of respect. We simply email occassionally.

I think the best I can do is to remind him that I am still here..... Since his greatest fear was that I'd run, I think the best I can do is try to be a friend and remind him that i care and that I have not left his life. I am hoping when he is done with this "safe" thing he has right now he will realize that I am still there. I have not left his 'side'.

Thank you

[Mish]

Hi toonsy

Well, i would clasify this relationship as "CAYOR" - Continue At Your Own Risk. I know for me, personally i would never be happy in a relationship where i would always be left wandering if the person i am with can just pack up and leave at any given time with little or no explanation in the future.

I can understand your feelings for this guy and that you are really in love with him, but the ball is in his court now. I think, somehow you need to get over him, otherwise you are the one who will be left in pain. I think you have no obligation what so ever to wait for him or to wait for his current relationship to fall apart. My advice for you is to go out and explore the possibillities, who knows you may meet someone with as much of a level of connection (You can still stay in touch with him, no need to tell him of what you are up to, its none of his bussiness to know at this stage). Then, you will either find someone else or he will exhaust his current relationship and come back to you (At which point, i personally dont think it would be a good idea to take him back - maybe suggest some counseling)...

Hope above helps

Respect...