post breakup - how to get them back?

[toonsy]

Im about a month & 1/2 after a break up. We both love each other but argued too much. He said it was communication problems, but there was a lot of stress he was dealing with and it affected our relationship.

That being said....he broke things off but admitted he still loved me. We agreed to work on a friendship (we jumped into the relationship headfirst and never established that friendship basis) and see what could happen over time.

I wrote him a letter a week ago. I professed all my feelings for him, told him I still have hope.....but realized he could likely be seeing someone new by now. He emailed me after recieving the letter with:

I've been trying to think of a way to respond to your letter but haven't really been able to come up with anything. At this point, I'm confused I guess. On the one hand I still do have feelings for you (can't really turn things like that off) but on the other hand we argue so much and communicate so differently. I will say that, yes, I am seeing someone else and the biggest difference is that she and I don't argue. This isn't to say that arguing isn't a bad thing but rather that the amount of time spent arguing is what's important. While you and I have fun together, we simply argue too much and that stress level for me is something that I can't have. You know, between my class and work, my time (as is yours) is extremely valuable and I just can't have it spent that way.
I did enjoy seeing you the other day, you look great and cute in your summer outfit Again, thank you for the letter and sharing your feelings - I realize that you put yourself out there and how hard that must have been...I respect that. I am open to developing a friendship - I think that's what you and I missed - and who knows, anything can happen.

I replied with confirmation that i'd like to work at that frindship too, but i dont feel comfortable initiating all the contact now that he's with someone else. I dont want to disrespect her. He said that i wouldnt affect his relationship with her, he's told her about me. He said he would contact me after speaking with her further about things.

That was a week ago. I have decided to go NO CONTACT. It's up to him. I have heard that this 'tactic' is the only thing that can bring them back. You work on yourself and heal....and in the meantime they wonder why they havent heard from you, it peaks their curiosity, they reach out more now that they are not being 'pushed' by you.

I love him so much. I do want him back but i am not waiting around for him. I am doing the best i can to not be sad, to move ahead, to get out and take care of me.

Can anyone share their insights? Anyone been here before? What happened? What was your experience?

[equivo]

That little glimmer of hope is the only thing that kept me sane during the early stages of my break-up. I hate to say it but 95% of the time its a false hope, and there isn't really a chance of getting back together.

From the sound of his e-mail, I'd say he's trying to let you down in the nicest possible way by not giving you a definite no. The fact he hasn't said no fuels that little bit of hope you have, but this is no help for the healing process.

Try to convince yourself that there is no hope, and that you must move on. Stick with no contact (can be extremely difficult staying in contact with a lost loved one, especially if they're with someone else). Many are afraid of prolonged no contact because it may extinguish any chance that there may once have been of reigniting the relationship, but it is usually the best way.

Of course this is just my opinion, but I hope you can take some advice from it. Good luck.

[Mish]

OR

You can go with NO NO Contact!!!

What No No Contact means is that you stay friends BUT you don't talk about the past and about getting back together. You talk about things like live shows, the latest cool movie out, gossip about some old friends and such. The minute conversation shifts to personal or about who you are seeing these days you say "Ooooh, look at the time, i have to go now"

How long have you guys been together? Has it been long? Did he used to come for an advice to you? If yes then chances are he will find some imperfections in his new, hot date and come back to YOU (his dear friend) to complain about her. From there on you may have chances to get him back somehow, the question is, would you want him back after that?

One bad thing about doing "No Contact" is that you risk the chance of him completely forgetting about you and moving on.

One requirement for pursuing "No No Contact" is for you to be over him. That's the hard part, you'll have to find some way of doing that by yourself.

Hope above helps. Good luck!!!

Respect...

[updraft]

I hate to agree but it looks as if he has moved on in a big way by starting to see someone else and so soon after your breakup....which leads me to ask the questions: was he seeing her before you broke up or did this in fact precipitate the breakup?

You made the right choice by trying to shut him out but you're mistake is you're not seeing this for what it really is...he dumped you for another woman!

If you could give some more insight as to why you two argued so much that would be helpful. I would definitely say to move on and not contact him, not be friends with him (as this would only hurt you to know your ex is happy with someone else) and find a man who will be more compatible with you ...

[toonsy]

Actually, when i sensed he was going to break things off after our last arguement, I actually contacted another man. My ex had a habit during an argument to 'test' me in a way "....maybe you should go contact someone else.........". So, I did. In a letter I gave him after the breakup, I told him this.

He actually crumbled. He saw it as 'i moved on', and the 'nail inthe coffin' and he admitted it was his fault. He was totally distraught. This was when we decided to break up, see others and try to build a friendship. So, I was the FIRST to contact someone else. (Even though I didnt want to.) I guess subconsciously i was calling his bluff.

He got mighty clingy after that. We had a trip planned a week later that we had booked months prior. The night before we left he called saying that he was drunk and out with his friends so I should pick him up in the morning rather than come over that night. I got upset (because my emotions were still involved) and we argued. Never reason with a drunk guy!!!! He threatened to cancel the trip, he was too afraid to argue the whole time. He calmed down and we left the next morning.

He was totally different that morning! I had a suspicion that given the circumstances (i was 'with' someone else he thought, and him being angry and drunk) that he likely snagged a phone number that night. The trip was great. But then......on the way home from the airport we had a car wreck. IN all the commotion, we got in an arguement. I was totally distruaght. I knew at that moment, with him already seeming 'standoffish' during the trip, that this last arguement would have him closed off and likely 'with' anyone he might have met.

So....that's the story. It was 3 weeks later that I wrote him a letter telling him i didnt want to be with anyone else and i still wanted him. But he admitted he was seeing someone new by then. I am certain it was someone he met that night, drunk, frustrated with 'us', and hurt I was 'seeing' someone (or so he thought).

.....we ARE very compatible. Our arguements were over DUMB things. Wihtout writing a novel i'll tell you that the emotions involved coupled with the amount of stress he had in his life while we were dating = stupid arguments over time.

[Cybog]

will say that, yes, I am seeing someone else and the biggest difference is that she and I don't argue. This isn't to say that arguing isn't a bad thing but rather that the amount of time spent arguing is what's important. While you and I have fun together, we simply argue too much and that stress level for me is something that I can't have. You know, between my class and work, my time (as is yours) is extremely valuable and I just can't have it spent that way.

Does he need to punch you in the kidney or something for it to sink in?

Once guys move on to the BBP (Bigger, Better Pussy) you can consider it over. Guys are able to move on from one woman to the next faster than we change our underwear, without even looking back.

You are chasing a pipe dream. And for the past month and a half you have been pining over a relationship that was doomed anyhow.

Move on. He already has.

[Junket]

Refer to my signature.

I think I need to shave...

[toonsy]

Well, I dont know your age or your experience, but that is certainly a 'dog's' perspective. Not all guys are the same. I have been in a relationship with one of the most TYPICAL guys you can imagine in the past. We broke up for 3 months once. Not even 2 nights after the break-up he was in someone else's bed. He wasnt wrong for doing so......we werent together anymore afterall. But 3 months later, we got back together and he was the one that initiated it. He said over that 3 months he had easy p*ssy (as you call it) and that's all it meant to him. She meant nothing more than to fill his bed and fill his spare time. While we were apart he began to realize how good I was for him. He broke it off with her and came back to me. We actually ended up getting married 2 years later. (We're divorced now however....after 8 years being together) but we are still friends.

So, i've been with the typical male dog......the one you discribe, and he came back. This guy I speak of is not that way. Just because he is seeing someone new does not mean he did anything malicious - we are not together anymore after all. Frankly, I consider she'll be a rebound.

But, thanks for your opinion.

[updraft]

Ok Toonsy it seems you want to hold onto this guy....I understand its very hard for us women to break away emotionally. I've been through it myself many times. Trust your instincts. If you feel you and he and very compatible, suggest you and he go to counselling to make a last ditch effort to repair the damage and perhaps learn how to fight fairly. At least you could say you tried every avenue before you ended it for good if it comes to that. If he will have none of it then you know your answer. Move on for your sake.

[toonsy]

Youre right...in fact I am sure if we continue to stay in contact and work on that 'friendship' foundation, he is single again and we find ourselves together again one day, we will look to counseling as an option. He had even suggested it once while we were dating - I didnt turn it down, we just never ended up doing it. (mistake).

The hardest part right now is just waiting out his current 'relationship'. I know it wont last.... He's a dater. Some are, some arent. Im not. I dont go from one to the next. But he likes company and from what i know of him he seemed to date in a pretty steady stream so this is just par for the course. He had only been single for a month before he and I met.

Time for me. I just think this situation is unique in that totally NO contact is not going to be the best (when we are trying to be friends) and yet me making ALL the contact is just not right either. It's a hard transition to make.

But, he said he has told her about me, will talk to her further and then contact me more often. Sounds weird.....but then nothing has been 'typical' about this relationship from the start.

Bottom line? Yes updraft - I want him. I love him and I know he loves me too. He's maintained "i love you and still want you.....i just cant handle the arguing with the stress in my life. I dont want you to go away, I never did.......I wanted the arguing to go away."

(heavy sigh). Nothing worthwhile in life is easy.

[toonsy]

[QUOTE=Mishanya]OR

You can go with NO NO Contact!!!

What No No Contact means is that you stay friends BUT you don't talk about the past and about getting back together. You talk about things like live shows, the latest cool movie out, gossip about some old friends and such. The minute conversation shifts to personal or about who you are seeing these days you say "Ooooh, look at the time, i have to go now"

How long have you guys been together? Has it been long? Did he used to come for an advice to you? If yes then chances are he will find some imperfections in his new, hot date and come back to YOU (his dear friend) to complain about her. From there on you may have chances to get him back somehow, the question is, would you want him back after that?

One bad thing about doing "No Contact" is that you risk the chance of him completely forgetting about you and moving on.

QUOTE]

Mishanya,
Have you done this before? How did it work for you? Were either of you seeing other people at the time? He encourages my to contact him, insists I shouldnt be worried about it affecting anything with the girl he's seeing....but I dont want to be the only one initiating. He said he will do so after speaking with her further.... What is YOUR experience? Was there a 'lull' in the beginning? What is hard to get throught the transition?
Fact is....I dont see myself "getting over" him. This was a very unique relationship that I've never experienced nor do I think i'd ever find again....

[Harmony]

I know how hard it seems....
I have been dumped by a girl, but she returned finally......

I think it was somehow bad idea that you confessed all your feelings inthe letter...
and as posted above, unfortunantly; he's meeting another one, and that make it hard for him to return, except for the few %...
dont look for a hope, just dont contact him at all... its a way to rebuild yourself and your feelings, to feel independent... he may return, he may not... you shouldn't think in this way, or else you will feel dumped and sad all your life (until you started meeting someone else)...

(by the way, no contact worked with me, but in another case, she didn't meet someone!)

GOOD LUCK

[toonsy]

Harmony:
Regarding the letter, I know you could be right. The strange thing about him is......he is really big on open communication. He was married once to someone that didnt share feelings, very laid back. He said it made him die emotionally inside. He expresses himself and respects that in others. He's always been encouraging to me to tell him how I feel. It's hard for me to do, but I did it because of that.

Also, he was always afraid I would "run". He was afraid I wouldnt be there if he ever took some time. So, given all those triats, I made sure I told him i havent run, that I do still love him, but respect his relationship and hope he and I can learn to be friends, maybe more one day again.

He strikes me as the kind of guy that might shut down towards me if I close off to him. Him fearing I'll run, him wanting me to share with him...... I am afraid to go No Contact with him.

He's very interested in making a friendship - we both feel it's what our relationship lacked as a foundation. How would we ever have a chance to get back together if I dont try to be friends?

[shh!]

Do he need a punch you in the kidney or something for it to sink in?

Once guys move on to the BBP (Bigger, Better Pussy) you can consider it over. Guys are able to move on from one woman to the next faster than we change our underwear, without even looking back.

You are chasing a pipe dream. And for the past month and a half you have been pining over a relationship that was doomed anyhow.

Move on. He already has.

Ahh, Cybog... Predictably rough around the edges, but right again.

[Cybog]

The best part about this forum is the people who come here with no intentions of actually hearing advice that works, but rather a re-affirmation of exactly what they were planning on doing anyhow by the inexperienced and single.