Taking a break

[jcgerm]

So, over the past few days my girlfriend of almost 4 years has decided that she wants to take a break from our relationship. We've been in a long distance relationship for 4 years (about 4 1/2 hours apart at our respective colleges). We've had small problems along the way, but nothing major that would cause a break up. In 2 weeks, we are both starting grad school at different schools as well. Even though we applied to the same schools, somehow we managed to get into only schools that are around 10 hours apart. We both spent the Summer working to save money so that we could visit each other during the year.

About 3 days ago, I came home from a 3 week trip in Europe. She didn't go because she wanted to keep working. I completely respected her decision. I called her many times during my trip, e-mailed her, etc. But, when I came home I could tell something was bothering her. She was acting kind of distant and I pretty much had to pull what was wrong out of her. She was planning to wait another few weeks without telling me, but she had been seriously considering going on a break.

She told me that she's really stressed out. She has definitely had a very busy Summer. She's going to a different school in the Fall, has a full time job, does community theater at night, has to deal with being at home with her parents, etc. I definitely understand why she's stressed. So, she told me that she needs time alone. She said she still loves me and she doesn't want to lose me, but she wants a break. A 4 month break, during which time she plans to decide what she wants to do with her life. She says she still wants me to be a part of her life during the break too. Just not as prominent. She doesn't even want to date anyone else.

I know almost 6 years will be a long time to be in a long distance relationship. In a way, it's a unique situation. We have always had time to have our own lives at school and a life together. I feel that she will have plenty of space anyway during the year. I'm not incredibly demanding. We talk at least once a day, we chat online if there's time, and we see each other every 3-4 weeks. I haven't really seen her a lot during the Summer since she's been busy.

So, I'm wondering if our relationship is really the problem. We have definitely not seen each other very much lately. We talk a lot, but I try to give her some space since I know she's stressed. But, I wonder if the stress of everything in her life right now is the problem and it's being projected toward our relationship. This Fall will be the first time that she's really living far away from home. Most people go through it when going to college the first time, but she went in state to a university an hour away from home. She isn't going to know anyone and she'll be pretty much on her own there.

Personally, I don't like the idea of a break. It's playing with fire. She can't possibly say that she knows what will happen in the 4 months we're apart, and neither can I. I don't want to risk losing her. At this point, I don't think she's even considered letting me help her work out what might be wrong. I really don't think she's sure about what's bothering her in the first place and I don't think she's considered the consequences a break could have. As selfish as it might sound, I don't think it's fair to me to say "wait 4 months and then we'll talk." I think we need to talk about what's really bothering her and really figure things out.

I really don't want to lose her. To me, she's an amazing person. I love her so much. I'm really not sure what to do about this though. She seems dead set on taking a break and it's really killing me.

[Tone]

Then you have to let her go, it's not your choice, it's hers. She wants a break, what more can you do? Give her time and space, if you guys are meant to be it will all work out in the end anyways.

At this point, I don't think she's even considered letting me help her work out what might be wrong.

I'm sure she has actually - cause you must be part of the problem and adding to the stress in her life - why else would she want to take a break from you? I can definately see how working, going to school - heading to grad school, living at home, and all that would be enough already - but having a long distant boyfriend on top of all that can sure add up.

You just have to be there for her - and whatever you do you really have to give her space. You can't force someone to be where they don't wanna be, and even if you could - would you really want to? Isn't part of the attraction of a relationship knowing the other person chooses to be with you? Just try not to see this as the end of your world.

[jcgerm]

Give her time and space, if you guys are meant to be it will all work out in the end anyways.

That's one of my main problems. My mind doesn't work that way. I end up conjuring up all of these "what if" situations and usually I guess I'm just pessimistic. I have a bad feeling that her feelings will change because of the distance and lack of contact. She might get too comfortable being alone. I guess that's life. Even if it does suck. I hate not being in control of my feelings.

[Tone]

I hear you man - I use to deal with the same issues as you... but look at the alternative... if you DON'T give her space and refuse to go along with the break where does that put you? Then you're just the obsessive ex-boyfriend and you will actually make her leaving you EASIER. Look at it from her perspective - she asks for a break cause of all the stress in her life. You comply - that shows that you respect her so much, that you would put her well-being ahead of yours. You put up a fight and it just shows her you're selfish and not getting her point. She needs you to be there for HER right now, not for yourself.

Give her a chance to miss you.

[TAVS]

I hear you Jc. I think that quote from Tone is the biggest crock. Everytime I hear that it makes me cringe. I'm sure it may be good advice but my mind doesnt work that way either. By the way, I am in the exact same situation (4+ yr break) as you except for the distance thing.

Despite that, Tone is correct. There's nothing else we can do.

[Tone]

What's the alternative then? I too use to be like that but so that's why I say what I say - from personal experience. What's the alternative? You'd rather be the obsessive, selfish guy who begs his g/f not to take time to herself?

Yeah it sucks, yeah no one wants to go through it - but what can you do?

[TAVS]

Don't get me wrong Tone, I wasn't blasting you, I'm just a control freak and I can't relate to that. I guess you might say it's a disbelief in fate. Somethings are meant to be but they just dont happen because person A or person B just dont get it.

[Tone]

No worries, to each his own. :)

[shh!]

Four years in a long distance relationship is plenty of time for the two of you to have grown apart, I'm sorry to say. Tone is correct: you need to back off entirely. She may have grown in a new direction while you've been gone. When her life calms down a bit, she might miss you and try to reconnect, but honestly, it sounds like she is doing what she ought to be at this point: focusing on her personal academic and career development. She sounds smart - it is no wonder you like her.

[Aaron Blanc]

I think you should listen to whatever everyone else is telling you. After all, a break is nothing more than giving both people a chance to meet and have sex with new people. If you don't understand that, you're simply giving her the chance to cheat, and then say it was perfectly fine. Long distance relationships never work out. You may not see your partner for a long time, but if both of you are far away, you will both begin to lose that closeness in the relationship. I agree with what everyone here is telling you. I think it's time you back away, and move on.

[jcgerm]

I see what you guys are saying and it makes sense, but it feels to me like she's skipping to the end. She hasn't really talked to me that much about why she feels like she wants a break. We haven't discussed that sort of thing yet (we will tonight). After 4 years (and 4 before that of friendship), it feels like she's just throwing it all away on a whim. Before I left for Europe she was really sad that I was leaving. She said she missed me a lot to the point where she cried when I left. I just wonder if it's external stress and not us, or if she's making this decision for the right reasons. She even says she feels the same way about me now like she always has (which makes it even more confusing). We haven't really grown apart.

Nonetheless, we're talking about it tonight, mainly because I really want to know what makes her feel this way and what caused it. I feel like if there's something we can do to fix this together it's worth a try. Don't get me wrong though, I'm not going to push her, but I want to know if she has really thought this through. But I guess if it's a break she wants, then I might as well be supportive.

[Tone]

*rolls eyes*

Dude.

She hasn't really talked to me that much about why she feels like she wants a break. We haven't discussed that sort of thing yet

I thought it was about her being stressed out? And wanting to remove one thing that adds to that stress? Long distance relationships = stress.

She's not throwing everything away - sounds like she just wants a break. If she doesn't want to come back - THEN she's throwing everything away. I'd be willing to bet if you don't make a big deal out of this - give her space - soon enough she'll start to miss you again and really appreciate how you did that for her, despite how much it bothered you. And when things calm down in her life she'd come back in a heartbeat.

On the other hand I think if you fight this and keep on talking bullshit about you don't understand "why" she wants to do it - you're just making an already stressful situation - even MORE stressful on her. Then she will want to cut you out completely. Hey I'm just tellin you how it is from someone who's been there, and someone who put up a fight when talks of breaks came up. Tryin to help you out from my own mistakes. You want to learn the hard way, be my guest - but don't say I didn't try to warn you.

Then again I could be completely wrong - you know your situation better than anyone here. I just hope you take these things into consideration, as I'm just going by what you told me of your situation and giving you a perspective of an outsider looking in - who has a bit of experience with what you're dealing with.

[jcgerm]

I thought it was about her being stressed out? And wanting to remove one thing that adds to that stress? Long distance relationships = stress.

I know what you mean. The problem is my mind really wasn't with it when she first told me about taking a break. I'm not criticizing you about your advice, and I really do think you know what you're talking about. It's just really hard for me to just drop it and go on a break after 4 years of being together. I kind of feel like I'm in dreamland. So, when she first told me about taking a break, it was kind of like I heard everything but my mind just translated it to "bad, bad, bad." Past that it's all jumbled up in my head, so I'm confused.

I definitely agree with your advice and I'm going to let the break happen, but I want to talk to her again to make sure she's making the right decision and to let her know that I support her. I'm not going to fight it, even though it really hurts.

[Tone]

I hear you man, it is a lot to deal with. Whatever happens we're here to help you deal with it. Let us know how it goes.

[jcgerm]

I hear you man, it is a lot to deal with. Whatever happens we're here to help you deal with it. Let us know how it goes.

So we talked tonight about what exactly is wrong, now that my mind can actually process the information. This might seem totally strange to you guys, but here goes...

Basically, she's stressed and tired. After 4 years of a long distance relationship, I can understand it. At this point in her life (she's 22, I'm 23), she doesn't want to have to commit to something as serious as moving in together and making joint decisions. She just wants some time alone to herself. I'm sure she's very scared of going away to school again too. I know I am. So, we decided to take a "break." We really couldn't put a label on it.

She told me she still loves me just as much as always and as a boyfriend and not just a friend. She can't imagine being with anyone else. I could tell that she was telling the truth by the way she acted and tried to be close to me while we talked. She still wants to talk to me a lot (on the phone, IM, etc). She says to want to be very close, but not have the obligation to visit, or call at a certain time.

So, I don't think I would write us off just yet. She needs her break and we're going to talk about our relationship again around Thanksgiving when we're both home. So, I told her that I love her, I care about her, and I want to be supportive in any way possible. Instead of last night going away in tears, we left content at least that we each knew what was going on and how we each felt. I'm still scared out of my mind that I might lose her though, and it hurts. She even said she felt the same way.

I hope that since we're both caring people and that we're both still in love that it will work out in the end. She just needs this right now. I hope that all makes sense. What do you guys think?