I dumped him yet I feel abandoned

[flushd]

Hi.
This is my first post, but I would love some help.
I've read threads here, so I hope I manage not to annoy many people.

Last night I broke up with my bf of 2 years. We are both 26.
He has been in my life for 5 years: as friend, lover, roomate, lover again, and then bf.
We have made a lot of mistakes together, and always worked it out somehow.
I broke up with him for a lot of valid reasons: he can be unreliable, he is emotionally needy, he refuses to grow up, he takes more than he gives, he is passive-aggressive.
That said, he has also been there when no one else can tolerate me. He is a kind guy who lavishes me with affection (when I saw him) . I have always known he loved me. He has been a constant source of love in my sometimes lonely life. He loved me when I didn't love myself.
I have an overall bad history with men. I am wary of commitment and dish up a lot of crap. I can be aggressive at times: this has caused a lot of problems.
I am working on tempering my anger and learning how to be assertive, rather than so bullish. I realize though that sometimes I come across as a brute who can be rather insensitive to men's feelings.

So, last night we had made plans to get together and talk about my dissatisfaction with barely seeing him. I had brought it up before, but he is passive-aggressive remember, and he constantly tried to avoid any such talk.
Anyways, he finally calls me from outside my apartment at 3 in the morn. He is stoned and dopey. I was really annoyed. I told him to come up and crash on my couch until he was sober enough to drive. He agreed and I talked to him until he passed out. Then I went to my bed to sleep. I woke up to find him naked beside me and caressing me. Oh I was so pissed, and I decided NO MORE! By now he was sober, and I made sure of it. This was just a way to avoid the mess and jump back into the sex part.
I told him it was over, end of story. I walked with him to the door, somehow managing not to get loud n' fussy, I felt dead calm, and as he was leaving he said "Oh. Is this because I didn't hit on you tonight?"
I don't like him at this point, and I think that's reasonable.
But I want to work on myself.
I feel abandoned. This guy wasn't right for me, and he was being an ass when I needed him to be normal.
I know there is some deeper issue here with me that needs to be addressed before I can even think of dating/another relationship.
I don't want to keep repeating myself til I'm 60.

thanks for listening, and anything you may want to say

[artyemi]

and what exactly do you want to hear?

if you think you're doing what you need to do, then it's the thing to do.

we can say if it's right or wrong, but sounds like you're doing what ought to be done.

[Tone]

You did what's best for you, you should be very proud of yourself, as a lot of times girls aren't strong enough to do what you did.

Just keep your chin up - tomorrow is a new day - you never know what it might bring. Keep this jerkoff out your life. Where in Canada are you? You should hook up with Asip, he's an awesome guy that would treat you just right ;)

[whaywardj]

Don't you just hate it when people say, "Chin up...tomorrow's a new day...pip pip...lah-di-dah...blah, blah. Oh, and, BTW, I've got this friend..."

JUST the kind of shit you need to hear, and the very kind of problem you need dumped on you at this particular point in time.

The REAL answer is a question: What is it about yourself that you dislike so much which causes you to go through crap like that?

[Tone]

First of all, eat a delicious blueberry muffin!

Second of all, I was clearly joking about the Asip thing and fail to see how that is "dumping a problem" on her.

Third of all, see first of all.

[whaywardj]

First of all, eat a dick.

Second of all, I was clearly joking about the Asip thing and fail to see how that is "dumping a problem" on her.

Third of all, see first of all.

My, touchy today, aren't we, Tone? BACK off, puppy. I was just being glib (and, too, was joking about Asip being a problem). Just trying to imagine it from what her point of view might be.

Also, see sentence two again.

[Tone]

Sorry - read it the wrong way. A bit on edge, if you couldn't tell. >:[

I'm gonna edit my original post!

[whaywardj]

No sweat, man. Still count you as mate, hands down. But I do have a little snag in my brain over how it seems you're popping off that edge a little more frequently lately. Like something's eatin' at ya or something. If ya feel a need to process anything away in conversation, you know we're here for ya.

[Tone]

Thank you.

[Asip4u]

and what exactly do you want to hear?

if you think you're doing what you need to do, then it's the thing to do.

we can say if it's right or wrong, but sounds like you're doing what ought to be done.

I agree with this post...You pretty much know where the problem lies so it's time to fix it. It may not be easy but nothing is.

[flushd]

Thanks for listening and all.

It really helps to see it in writing before my face. Harder to deny the things I want to deny

It also helps to get opinions from people who dont' know me.
My well-intentioned friends have become too 'smart' to tell me what I need to hear.

I know I did the right thing. Today I feel much better; but I'm feeling angry and keep thinking "Loser, loser, he's a loser! Why did you want to be with a loser, girl?!"

I will get through this. Time for the old self-examination bit. That's the toughest bit of all.

....I hope I can help some of you all in return. thanx

[Tone]

No prob, we're here for you, we'll do what we can to help you get through this (:

[MrDrum]

Hard to tell with two people in their mid-late twenties who are still pot-heads drug users. He sounds like a complete loser, and you sound like an emotional nightmare.

If I were you, I would take a break from male/female realationships altogether, and start working yourself. Until you are compeltely happy with who YOU are, you will never be happy with somebody else. Until then, they will only complicate, not compliment.

[flushd]

Thanks Mr. Drum for the input.

I just want to clarify that I am not a pot-head, nor do I use any drugs besides good old coffee. I manage my friendships just fine, and everything else basically besides men. I work with severely disabled individuals (physical, mental, and emotional), so I've had to pass numerous tests to see if I am a stable human being. I'm not a total nutbar - I just pick loser men.

Since no one here knows me, I have no problem being personal here. I was involved in some extremely traumatic events when I was a teen that affected the development of my body chemistry. I have a hormonal imbalance that is now a part of my make-up for the rest of my life. I will never be the 'average' woman, even with medication. I do not use medication, because none proved sucessful for me. Besides, it would affect my health in the future. Instead, I have a rigorous diet, exercise, and management plan. My doctor and I are satisfied with the results.

I mention this because it affects my relationships with men. At first I come across as passionate, active, and overall normal: because I basically am normal.
I've met many a 'good' man, where things have gone well, until it eventually comes to the time where I have to tell them about my 'condition'. Usually they have a hard time believing it, saying "Nah, you're just horny and happy".
On they get it, It sends men running for the hills: And I actually get that, it can sound like some scary shit. However, I have to tell someone who is getting serious with me about it. If they're going to be with me, they need to understand and accept it.

It gets to be a bit much to have so many walk away from me because of something I did not choose.

This is starting to sound like a pity party, but the point is Sometimes I get Tired Of all the Drama and of being Alone. I think that's the main reason I've been settling for so much crap: I get lonely, and want a solid companion like anyone else.

I do think it's a good idea to take a break from the whole man/woman thing.

I have to face the reality that I may live a long time, or my whole life, on my own. I need to get okay with that.

I'm curious as to why you called me an 'emotional nightmare' ?
Am I coming across as a crazy-lady?

[Asip4u]

crazy-lady? nah...I dont think he meant it that way...I do agree with MrDrum on the second point of making yourself a priority and asking the right questions. You always go for the wrong guys? If you set some grounds rules for yourself perhaps you'll be happier in the long run. When you meet a guy at first, make sure you're very clear about your situation with him, that way there are no surprises later on.