My pity party...daily journal

[Mountain Man]

I have decided to document my daily life (as it relates to my heartache). I figure two things can be accomplished here:

1. It will be therapuetic for me to express my feelings this way.

2. I can print this a year from now and laugh my ass off at all the stupid things I did.

Here goes...

Day 1
(actually, this is about Day 15, but since it’s my first journal log, I’ll call it day one).

My current wife (who has already filed for divorce, and whom I work with), didn’t come to work today. I thought to myself “Whew, I don’t have to see her today, so I’ll be able to put it out of my mind”. WRONG. I ended up calling her at home.

We talked for about 45 minutes, and I probably said the same crap I’ve said the last 200 times I’ve talked to her over the last 15 days. And, got the same results. Nothing.

I did realize today that I wasn’t going to be moving back into my home or my life with her…not now, and quite possibly not ever.

The pain comes in waves now. Which, as odd as it sounds is a bit of a relief. At least it isn’t there all the time like it has been.

Honestly, I am starting to wonder if it is her physical beauty (and the sex) that I miss…rather than “just being with her”. IF that’s the case…I may be a more shallow person than I realized. I guess that’s what this time is for…to find answers to those sort of questions.

Tomorrow I begin moving into my own apartment. The thought of living alone scares me and makes me want to vomit at the same time. But, I can’t just fall into a fetal position and cry myself to sleep in my Mom’s guest bedroom. I guess I could, but I’m pretty sure life would spiral downward at a record setting pace.

I keep asking myself why I am allowing myself to feel this way…after all, I am the one that controls my life. I don’t require someone else to make me happy or sad. Easier to say those things than to live them I suppose.

I did notice a cute inter that is working in our office this summer….what the hell is wrong with me? I’m obviously not thinking with the right brain.

Well, if I’m lucky, I’ll get weak again and call her tonight, and mumble the same crap all over again, then feel sorry for myself for getting the same result I always get.

I want to regain my confidence and self control…but at this point, I can honestly say I want to regain those things to become more attractive for her…which isn’t the right reasons.

Well…time to go put off some more work and spend a good portion of the day thinking about how great things were when we were together.

[Tommy]

No contact.... Make her miss you -- Only advice I can say....

[Asip4u]

In a way I agree with Tommy although it doesn't guarantee anything. Sometimes when a person wants that change, there's not much you can do about it. Eventually you have to accept things the way they are, and move on.

[Mountain Man]

Day 2

Yesterday went pretty well in spite of what I suspected I'd do (call her and rehash everything).

Anyway, I woke up angry at her this morning. I sent her an email venting that anger. She called me about 5 times until I answered. We proceeded to argue again. It felt good though, not sure if it felt good to hear her voice or to vent the anger that I was having.

It sucks, because I work with her. So, I know I'll be seeing her for the foreseeable future. Oh well, I refuse to let her dictate my existance.

As of this moment (9:28am Mountain Time), the NC rule is in full effect. I'm not 100% sure if I am doing it to make her come back around or if I am starting to move through this phase of feeling like I "need" her to complete me. Nonetheless, I think it's going to serve both purpose.

I move into my apartment this afternoon, and am still dreading the time without her...but I have kids, and they are very good reminders of putting things into perspective. A great way to keep your mind focused elsewhere too.

I'll also confess tha I have leaned on my ex-wife for some support during this period. She has been a much better person than I would be. She seems to not expect anything from me (in terms of reconciliation), but is just being as supportive as she can be. I guess I should count that as a blessing.

[Tommy]

I'll also confess tha I have leaned on my ex-wife for some support during this period. She has been a much better person than I would be. She seems to not expect anything from me (in terms of reconciliation), but is just being as supportive as she can be. I guess I should count that as a blessing.

You are there for those whom you love. Your first ex-wife loves you and will always love you, although things ended on a sour note she knows how divorce feels and i'm sure had support from family and friends as well. Don't take her for granted and make sure you let her know you appreciate her support and understanding.

One other piece of advice I was told is that when you talk to your wife (as of right now at least) DO NOT BRING UP THE PAST..... All it does is re-iterate why she wants the divorce... Talk about the now, work, food, fun, movies etc etc. DO NOT YELL, fight, argue etc. It is hard VERY hard... but if you want ANY chance for reconciliation you need to be more mature about it.

[Mountain Man]

Tommy,
I have made it a point to let my ex wife know how much I appreciate her being there. It's important for me to acknowledge that.

Here's a question about the last comment:

As of this morning, we ended on an argument. I told her "We're obviously done in your eyes" and then we pretty much hung up. I know I'll regret that (and already am somewhat). My only fear is that she will take that and make that the feeling that drives her to complete the divorce...my heart is telling me to email an apology. But, that violates the NC rule.

So, do I leave it alone...or email her an apology?

[Tone]

If you act like a dick, there's nothing wrong with e-mailing and apologizing.

[TAVS]

Just keep it simple if you do

[Mountain Man]

So, I did email and told her I was having a bad day, and was in a bad place when we talked. I apologized...and left it at that.

She then emails me back, not addressing that issue, but asking if I had watched somethings she saw on TV last night...and went on to tell me all about it.

WTF?! Help!

[misombra]

so you live in mountain time and you are a mountain man. i suspect you live somewhere in my area... new mexico? colorado?

anyway i don't know details so i couldn't really tell you what's going on in her mind. how long were you married? what were her reasons for leaving? details man details...

[Tone]

anyway i don't know details so i couldn't really tell you what's going on in her mind. how long were you married? what were her reasons for leaving? details man details...

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/t8466-what-is-going-on-with-me.html[/url]

[misombra]

aaaah thanks. ::goes to read it...::

[misombra]

you left, divorced her to marry another woman? you're lucky she's even talking to you.

[Tommy]

So, I did email and told her I was having a bad day, and was in a bad place when we talked. I apologized...and left it at that.

She then emails me back, not addressing that issue, but asking if I had watched somethings she saw on TV last night...and went on to tell me all about it.

WTF?! Help!

Hmmmmm... that's interesting.... Maybe she's trying to avoid the topic as to negate any further argueing.

How long has this been going on as far as the filing of divorce, marriage troubles etc? Honestly, I think this COULD possibly be saved, but you need to SHOW HER that you can and WILL change and also tell her the things about her that may be issues with you, of course in a nice manner.

I CANNOOOOOOTTTTTT STRRRREEEESSS EEEENNNNOOOUUUGGGHHHH how important it is to keep a cool head, be the BIGGER person, be a HAPPY person. Show her why you two fell in love... Give it time, although it may be short depending when this event took place.

If she's talking to you about random life shit, I say you do the same. Maybe ask her out to dinner, DO NOT BRING UP THE PAST, if SHE does it can be discussed to a limited point, but you MUST remain cool and un-judgemental.

It takes 2 people to make a relationship work, you BOTH have to be willing, now your goal is to find out if she is.

[Tommy]

so you live in mountain time and you are a mountain man. i suspect you live somewhere in my area... new mexico? colorado?

anyway i don't know details so i couldn't really tell you what's going on in her mind. how long were you married? what were her reasons for leaving? details man details...

Where do you live? I'm a damn Utahn....