URGent! Advice Needed!

[LilBabyBat]

Hi, I have a problem.
You see I used to be a stripper, and I met this guy, and he became my boyfriend. Work started getting hard to keep up with rent and bills (here in NZ strippers don't get paid, we go off our tips). I Left stripping and started working at a massage parlor (prostitution is legal here, I not doing nething wrong). At first boy was okay with it, I thought he understood. I was earning good money, not need to worry about making rent anymore.

Recently (I've been prostituting for 4 or 5 months now) he tells me he can't handle me working there anymore and I have to leave or he will have to leave me. We had a big fight, he said it just hurts him too much, we broke up (for a day or two). Then I told him I would leave work. We got back together.

I've left work now, and I've got no idea how I'm going to pay rent. I can only work part-time because I don't want to give up my dreams of studying, I left school way too young and I want to finish high school by correspondence and then University so that I may have a good career someday. There is no way I can afford to pay rent and bills and live working part time any other job that I could get (abou all I can get is McDonalds since I never finished school).

My boy said that he would go back to work (he hated his job) and help me pay for things. he is currently on sickness benefit for depression, his best friend since he was 5 years old recently killed himself, just after he lost his job. He's also been through a lot in his life, drug problems, his mother was sick when he was growing up and died when he was 10. then there's the issue of his girlfriend being a prostitute. I dont want to put pressure on him because I love him and he is very delicate at the moment, and gets hurt VERY easily.

He has not got a job and anytime I ask if he has thought about it, he gets upset and says he needs time.

I dont want to hurt him, but I really want to go back to work, it helps me pay for everything, I can even have savings and study. I understand why it hurts him, but how can I convince him that its just money, theres no way I'ld ever give myself to anyone else, its just my body. I've told him that and he just says sex is a very intimate and personal thing and that I shouldn't share my body with anyone unless its someone very special and he doesnt understand how I can.

I tried to get a job softcore porn, nude modelling. I asked if he'd object to me doing hardcore. he is fine with it if he is the guy I'm doing it with. But I asked if I could do girl on girl and he said thats fine. So Im thinking it isnt really that "sharing your body is a very special thing", its more that hes jelous of me doing it with guys, because isnt sharing your body with a girl still sharing your body?

I tried to tell him that my job has nothing to do with our relationship and is none of his buisness and he went off at me saying I'm shutting him out of my life, and that if he is part of my life he is part of ALL of my life. Which is all well and good to say, if he did the same to me, he had SO many secrets Im not allowed to know about. example: he let something slip about him leaving little hints to people to get something (dont ask, I dunno). I said what is it? he said he cant really tell me. I brought up the thing that he says anything in my life is his buisness so anything in his life should be my buisness too. He said "I'll tell you tomorrow, I really cant say now". so the next day I asked about it, he says "I dont know why i told you I could tell you, I cant tell you".

He is being REALLY unfair, but I still love him, he is a sweet, sensitive guy and I dont want to lose him. But I dont want to give up my goals for the future, and I really want my financial stability back.

he said he'd move in with me and pay half my rent when he gets a job, he talks about joint bank accounts, but I mention one little thing about getting married and, he needs his space and hes too hurt to talk to me, etc.

What should I do??

[TAVS]

He's not being unfair. I agree with him 100%. It's your choice to either find a better way to live your life or let him go. All this stuff is fine if your single, and you want to do it, but to try and hold a relationship is just not an option.

[LilBabyBat]

I didn't mean that he was being unfair about wanting me not to do this work.
I meant that he was being unfair by telling me that everything in my life is his buisness and he has a say in all of it, yet I'm not allowed to even know about anything he's doing in his life let alone have a say.

I don't WANT to do this work either. But I don't want to be homeless, and I dont want to be working at McDonalds when I'm 70 years old because I never got an education. i also meant he is being unfair by saying it is ok for me to have sex with women for money but not okay for me to have sex with men for money.

[TAVS]

You need to get better time management skills then. When I was in college, I worked three part-time jobs, went to school, and had a social life. You need to be determined to find another answer and you need to seek it out. I don't know anything about New Zealand life so I dont know any specific advice to give.

[artyemi]

Wow, that's hard. Anyway, you're working to earn money, he's not. There must be better things to do than prostitution, but I can't say, so anyway.

What do you want to do? How much do you want to be with him? Is it worth it not having a roof over your head? It's not just about him, you know? Sure, he's been through all these things, but, I don't know.

[LilBabyBat]

Ok well thank you for your advice.
But three part-time jobs, school and a social life??
lets see full time school = 40 hours per week
three part time jobs = 20 x 3 = 60 hours per week
plus sleep 8 hours a night (unless your on meth) 8 x 7 = 56 hours per week
total work, school, sleep = 156 hours per week
there are 168 hours in a week, that only leaves less than two hours to shower, eat, and get ready for school each day, so excuse me but WHERE is your social life?
I find it hard to believe anyone could stick to such a timetable without having a nervous breakdown.

[Tone]

Just ignore him, I dunno if he's looking for someone to pat himself on the back or what but he's not offering any help to your situation by boasting about his alleged hard working college life!

Anyways, can't you do something else besides prostitution, like Arty said? I understand you need the money, but if you could find a more "normal" job wouldn't it solve both your problems at once?

[artyemi]

No nervous breakdown.

First year of college, I went full-time, and had three part-time jobs too. Everything worked out great.

Second year and on, I still went full-time, plus a part-time, plus, I had a son then (he took the place of two jobs.) Sometimes, I also had to bring him to school with me when we're working on research papers and stuff.

Still no nervous breakdown. AND I graduated in the regular amount of time (four years) summa cum laude. By my third year, I already had enough credits to graduate.

Now, I'm getting so bored with just a full-time job. I'm going to head back to school, hopefully, and still be a mom. I get tired not having papers to write and my brain is getting no good exercise.

[TAVS]

Hmmm, Lets see.

I'd say 19 Credit Hours, 21 Hours doing fixing fixing computer labs, 10 hours Internship, and my 3rd job was a live-in position as a resident advisor. It took I'd say about 10 hours a week. So what does that add up too....60 hours. I sleep for 6hrs a night and I am not a meth addiciton, I just think sleep is a waste of time. So that's another 42 hours so we're up to 102 hours out of a 168 hour week. Even if you subtract 3 hours a day for showering and eating, I still have 45 hours a week. Seems reasonable to me. Oh yea, subtract lets say 20 hours for studying per week so I'm left with 25 hours a week, or 4 hours a day to do whatever I want.

I'm not looking on a pat on the back, I'm just sick and tired of girls I've dated whining about how they dont have time do the things you want and/or need. Stop spending your time complaining and find the answer.

I'm the same way now and I still work 6 days a week. Maybe that's why I feel even more empty being dumped.

[LilBabyBat]

Okay well I really wish I could manage with such a work load, but I am not able to handle that. Yes another job would be great, but because of my low education, (I havn't any qualification at all) the only 'normal' job I can get is minimum wage NZ$6.75 per hour before tax... My one bedroom unit that I rent is NZ$300per week, Then I'ld need at LEAST NZ$100 for food. It just isn't going to cut it. I'm guessing NZ$6.75 before tax is about $5 after tax? so I would need to work at least 80 hours to afford rent and food alone. Where is the studying? It doesn't happen when working a minimum wage job, not here.

PS> Maybe girls wouldn't dump you if you wern't such a cold-hearted know-it-all. You can't show enough compassion to help give advice to someone when they ask for help, yet you still post replies to it, why? So you can say "I'm better than you" is my guess. No girl is even going to like to when all you can do is say you're Mr. Great and they "whine too much".

[TAVS]

What about roommates? Around here it is cheaper to get a larger place and split the cost. Lets see, my girl pays $600 in rent a month and about $150 in food. Let's say she got a job here in the states with McDonalds. Now I'm just thinking outloud here for the fun of it, not to make any judgements. Let's say she makes $6.50 per hour, and taxes take 90%, she gets 5.85 per hour. So she would have to work 32 hours a week. Well looks like we found the solution, Come to the states!

[LilBabyBat]

Believe me if I could get a Green Card, and were able to study in USA, it would be a dream come true. You don't seem to understand the state of things here.
I live in a desperatly poor community. People without an education (like me) work their asses off in mimimum wage jobs just to get by, or they work in the sex industry- some waste their money on drugs, some use it to gain a future.

I need help because I don't know whether the future I could gain, would be worth living if I didn't have my man. that's what it comes down to. I cant have both, and I don't know what the best decision to make is. I see myself getting a future, and being miserable because i lost my love. And I see myself giving up on my education to be with my man, and being miserable working my ass us to survive.

[shh!]

Move back home with your family and go back to school. You say you don't want to be working in McDonalds when you're 70, but do you really think you can be a prostitute when you are that old? My guess is you will stop being marketable when you are maybe 35 at the latest. TAVS is right - if you are really motivated and aren't afraid to work hard, you will find a way to manage your time and life. And it won't kill you to cut down on the social life until you get your act together. Finally, I am unimpressed with a guy who would date a stripper and prostitute. If you decide to pursue a more respectable line of work, he will probably leave you for someone less pulled- together. But then again, you will be worthy of someone more respectable, too.

[TAVS]

I knew there was someone out there with more intelligence than me

[shh!]

Thank you! But your advice was right on point. Some people are offended by the truth being told bluntly, but not me.
:-D