Overthinking thoughts and anxiety

[kingshock]

Hello everyone, i've been with my girlfriend since september, i'm 25, she's 22.

Just like every other relationship i had in the past, we all start good and then love starts dying, and from my point of view and my relationship skills i've learned so many things from the past that i wanna tell you about while i explain my situation:

Everything is so nice, i tried avoiding many things i did wrong in the past with my previous ex'es and everything is going smooth, i love laughing with her, i try making her my 100% priority and she does aswell, i like talking to her about other things, i like to be more friendly than more lovely sometimes. I try avoiding any sort of sadness and jealousy, i just ask her for advice when i need help with something, in the past i would show sadness and unsecurities and this was a big mistake for me in my previous relationship. I try not to make her think that she's the only person that can make me happy.. i really tried avoiding all those kind of things. I understand, but..... a few days ago, since she started working, she's been acting so different, for about 5-6 days straight. I don't know what's going on... 2 weeks ago she would call me facetime me almost everyday, in my days off from work she would call me in the morning. It makes me sad now cause i kind of feel as if she's losing interest, some of you would say that she's tired cause now she's working but sometimes i feel like i'm the only one giving her attention while she's doing her other things, i tried asking her the other day "Are you happy with me" and she would say "yeah, i just been busy with a lot of things in the house and im very tired when i get off from work."
I try not to tell her that or talk about it too much, i don't want our relationship to be the egocentric type. She's been going out lately a lot with her friends and she wouldn't tell me where she's going and with who in the past few days aswell. Now when we get to talk on facetime i get to talk to her, she's recieving calls.. and would say they calling her from a store to offer her a credit card, it's been the third time she said it and i had changed the subject to avoid any conflict. Last night she went out, and i told her to text me whenever she got home and she didn't i don't think she even slept home because we had this app called Life360 where we can track eachother in a GPS map and it turns out she had the location deactivated on her phone, the app literally tells you if someobody does it, i wouldn't tell her that at all.. i don't want her to think i'm not trusting her anymore. This is the reason why i came here to get some advice. We also slept on the phone these past few days and she always ends up hanging up sending me a text later that she would go out with her friends late at night around 12am as if she's using me. It makes me think she's hiding something from me cause she's always saying that she wants to go to sleep with me on the phone but she literally just waits for me to go to sleep.

The reason while im explainig you this it's because i'm not sure if i should give it some time or should i talk to her about it? Any advice? should i leave her alone and see what happens or should i let her go?
It's hard to handle a long distance relationship, i'm starting to overthink any little thing now and it gives me a crazy anxiety...

[CantMoveOn]

Hi, kingshock.

Do you not live in the same town and or country? Trying to understand why you are facetiming and not actually seeing each other IRL more? Maybe her new work is making her busier than usual, you have only been together for less than 4 months or so, most do not lose interest that quickly unless something has occurred to upset them. Again, are you not living in same area, why can't you go with her and her friends too? LDR imo do not work well.

But, are you no longer trusting her anymore, is the point? The GPS app and her turning it off...odd.

I think you need to fly over, drive over and see her face to face, a surprise visit at that and see for yourself what is going on and how she feels about you now... if you are noticing changes it could be something to look into in person not try to figure out from a distance.

[kingshock]

Hi, kingshock.

Do you not live in the same town and or country? Trying to understand why you are facetiming and not actually seeing each other IRL more? Maybe her new work is making her busier than usual, you have only been together for less than 4 months or so, most do not lose interest that quickly unless something has occurred to upset them. Again, are you not living in same area, why can't you go with her and her friends too? LDR imo do not work well.

But, are you no longer trusting her anymore, is the point? The GPS app and her turning it off...odd.

I think you need to fly over, drive over and see her face to face, a surprise visit at that and see for yourself what is going on and how she feels about you now... if you are noticing changes it could be something to look into in person not try to figure out from a distance.

Hey there, thanks for replying... I am going to see her soon in February, i forgot to mention... and she knows we're both happy. That's clearly what im trying to say why is she acting that way if we're going to see each other soon. It makes me think things i do not want at all.

[GLYC]

The 360gps app sounds like too much. Get rid of it, where's the trust? That sounds too controlling in itself, I would never have a woman have that app. Possibly you're smothering her.

Normally, I would say she would tell you where she's going and with who. Maybe she's thinking you'll overreact if she's going to social events and that you'll have trust issues about it?

It sounds like you need to take a step back and relax. Go with the flow man, stop worrying about everything and learn to let go. Focus on creating more great memories. Keep in mind, you will not always be each other's 100% priority at all times in each other's lives. That's normal.

I agree the fact that she turned off the app was strange, she possibly slept over at a friend's house though. Maybe she thought you would worry about that too much? I don't know.

Also, it's normal to display emotions at times. It's not about being a robot, it's about learning how to own your emotions and not be owned by your emotions. You channel your emotions and express them authentically in a calm, healthy way.

I mean it though. Get rid of the app. If a person wants to cheat, they will cheat. There's nothing you can do about it. It's a moral issue. The basis of the app is equal to not having trust in your partner. This will turn women off. They want to feel free. Love is appreciation, not possession.

[TheEvilJester]

I agree with GLYC on the app. I think that sounds ridiculous and almost stalkery. I know that isn't your intention, but to me the best case scenario is that shows an unhealthy level of possessiveness. At worst, it could seem like stalker material. Honestly, even if I was married to a woman, I don't think I'd expect her to use an app like that so I could track her 24/7.

Anyway, as for everything else, it really is one of those situations where it is hard for us to tell. Could it be that she TRULY is just busier these days, that she is busy at work and busy with friends? Sure. That could be the case. If it is, though, she still needs to make sure she's making time for you. As long as she does, what more can you ask?

On the other hand, could it be that she has started to lose interest? Yes, it could be that too. Here's the thing, though.... and I say this as somebody who understands how you feel. I've always had the same kind of self-doubt and used to drive myself crazy with this sort of thing too. Hell, even with friends. That little voice in my head was REALLY good at convincing me nobody could ever like me, that at the drop of a hat anyone and everyone would just leave me.

The thing is... anybody that would do that isn't a very good person in the first place. The other thing is, if you let that little voice convince you too much.... you'll stop trusting people even when they deserve trust. It will become a self-fulfilling prophecy where nobody will stay with you because they'll be sick of you just expecting that they won't anyway.

So, to some degree you should do whatever you can to work on that. I don't mean to imply it is easy. It does take work, but you can get to a point where you can handle it better. You may never quiet that little voice completely... but you can learn (as I have) to better engage your intellectual side. To explain away doubts when they are possibly unfounded and understand when you may just be misinterpreting things.

The other thing is that, if she IS losing interest, you aren't going to fix that by trying to forcibly pull her back in. Either she'll be interested in you or she won't. That is another big reason why I suggest not driving yourself crazy trying to figure out if she's blatantly pulling away or if you are just worrying about nothing. Time will tell you that.

If you two are long distance, that can be very hard on a relationship. Could be possible it just isn't working for her anymore. For the immediate time being, do you have other things you enjoy doing that don't necessarily involve her? Stuff you like to do with friends? Hobbies? Social activities? If so, focus more on enjoying those. That can help a lot more than you realize. When you have things that make you happy and you don't feel you are relying on one person to make you happy, that can really help you put things in perspective. May even help you feel a little clearer on whether she's not giving you the time you deserve as her boyfriend... or if she's just legitimately busy with other stuff but still trying to make time for you when she can.

When it comes down to it, if you get to that point, you certainly can try talking to her about it. Open communication is important in any relationship. But, it is just better to do so when you've had time to calmly reflect upon it and truly think the conversation is needed. Not when you are uncertain and your emotions are heightened. Not when you aren't clear on whether the conversation is needed or if you may just be overreacting. Better to let cooler heads prevail first... then have that conversation if you think it has to be had. If/when you do, also do so with an appreciation for yourself. Meaning you deserve to care about yourself enough to have some kind of breaking point. To where if she can't respect your needs that you should move on.

Best of luck to you either way.

[Kares]

In my opinion, I don't think you should talk to her directly that you don't trust her. Give it time. If she's talking to another guy, she'll eventually tell you anyway. I suggest you just don't forget to keep yourself in reserve for disappointment while trying your best like what you have been. Remember there's plenty of women that can make you happy.

Good luck.

[TheEvilJester]

Remember there's plenty of women that can make you happy.

Yes. I want to especially second that. And, don't get me wrong... I don't mean to dismiss the romantic idea of finding your "soulmate." Finding "THE One." It's just that there isn't just one person who could turn out to be "THE One." For most of us, there could very well be many people who could be that special somebody... it's just a matter of circumstances, luck, etc. for who happens into our lives.

And again, that isn't even to say she couldn't be that special somebody. Maybe she can. Maybe, at least to some degree, you are getting worried even though there really is no cause for worry. As the others have said, if she's lost interest you will know that soon enough anyway. If she hasn't then you'll know that as well because she'll keep making an effort to spend time with you.

Again, that doesn't mean you can't discuss it if you get to the point where you think the discussion may be needed. The most likely result of such a discussion would be one of two things. Either you two find ways to work together to make it work.... or you two decide it just isn't working for you and you need to move on. The latter result would certainly be unfortunate... but at least then you'd know. It is better than being stuck in limbo wondering.

But, again, maybe things can get back on track with her. If they can, great! But, if not, just remember that it eventually WILL work with somebody else. Try, as best you can, not to get too hung up on any one person. As far as I am concerned, if somebody just doesn't work out... even with you trying to make it work... then they weren't "THE One" in the first place. All relationships take work sometimes... but the right relationship is worth it.

Best of luck to you either way.

[elisemies]

I'd like to agree with TheEvilJester, spreading wisdom as usual.

I am an insecure and anxious person too, so to some extent I think I can understand how you are feeling. Relationships are hard, and they bring out both the best and the worst of us; that being said, they're useful to point out any issues we might have to work on them.

For instance it feels like you have two main insecurities: showing your vulnerability and fear of being cheated on/being broken up with.
These are fairly common anxieties to have, and in my opinion a good way of starting to deal with them is thinking of worst case scenarios. This might sound counter intuitive for most overthinkers, but here we go. Say that you go to see her and indeed discover she's seeing someone else or simply over you (stuff like this is very common unfortunately). Sure, it would suck. It would hurt like hell, and if you're anything like me you would cry yourself to sleep for a while. You'd want to give up on relationships all together, then you'd ask yourself if there's anything wrong with you etc etc. All fairly normal reactions. And then, guess what? Time would pass and eventually you'd get over it. You'd start having fun again, you'd learn that you are a stronger, better person for it. Eventually you'd meet someone else and maybe that person would be right for you, maybe not.
The point being is that you'll survive. You're resilient. You won't break because someone breaks up with you. You won't be any worse of a person because of it, in fact quite the contrary. A lot of our anxieties come from the fear of being hurt, and I get it completely. However, you can't control whether the people you'll allow into your life will or will not disappoint you, that's simply not something you can do. Sure, you could shield yourself off from any relationship but what kind of life would that be?
I say, if you're brave enough, accept that there will be pain. That people will disappoint you every once in a while. But that it's still worth being out there and testing it out because that's what life is about; stepping up to the potential of being crushed, and then repeating that every day.

Once you embrace this, I think you might discover that a lot of fears of yours will dissipate.

If she decides she wants to go out and do things you wouldn't approve of, you can't change it anyways. But you can change your approach to the problem.
Don't overload her with your insecurities, but perhaps if the moment feels right do tell her how it makes you feel when she is distant. Generally when we care about someone and know something hurts their feelings we will try and be better or find a compromise that works for both. It's also a good way of evaluating whether the relationship is worthwhile FOR YOU; why should you stay if it makes you miserable? Long distance relationships are complicated so regardless you would need to work on improving communication so you both feel heard and appreciated.

Hope this helps a bit! Good luck out there!

[My Coffee Cup]

If you could encourage some friends to sign up here, we'd be grateful, giving that no one is hardly posting here nowadays, besides some veteran users...

[TheEvilJester]

I'd like to agree with TheEvilJester, spreading wisdom as usual.

I am an insecure and anxious person too, so to some extent I think I can understand how you are feeling. Relationships are hard, and they bring out both the best and the worst of us; that being said, they're useful to point out any issues we might have to work on them.

For instance it feels like you have two main insecurities: showing your vulnerability and fear of being cheated on/being broken up with.
These are fairly common anxieties to have, and in my opinion a good way of starting to deal with them is thinking of worst case scenarios. This might sound counter intuitive for most overthinkers, but here we go. Say that you go to see her and indeed discover she's seeing someone else or simply over you (stuff like this is very common unfortunately). Sure, it would suck. It would hurt like hell, and if you're anything like me you would cry yourself to sleep for a while. You'd want to give up on relationships all together, then you'd ask yourself if there's anything wrong with you etc etc. All fairly normal reactions. And then, guess what? Time would pass and eventually you'd get over it. You'd start having fun again, you'd learn that you are a stronger, better person for it. Eventually you'd meet someone else and maybe that person would be right for you, maybe not.
The point being is that you'll survive. You're resilient. You won't break because someone breaks up with you. You won't be any worse of a person because of it, in fact quite the contrary. A lot of our anxieties come from the fear of being hurt, and I get it completely. However, you can't control whether the people you'll allow into your life will or will not disappoint you, that's simply not something you can do. Sure, you could shield yourself off from any relationship but what kind of life would that be?
I say, if you're brave enough, accept that there will be pain. That people will disappoint you every once in a while. But that it's still worth being out there and testing it out because that's what life is about; stepping up to the potential of being crushed, and then repeating that every day.

Once you embrace this, I think you might discover that a lot of fears of yours will dissipate.

If she decides she wants to go out and do things you wouldn't approve of, you can't change it anyways. But you can change your approach to the problem.
Don't overload her with your insecurities, but perhaps if the moment feels right do tell her how it makes you feel when she is distant. Generally when we care about someone and know something hurts their feelings we will try and be better or find a compromise that works for both. It's also a good way of evaluating whether the relationship is worthwhile FOR YOU; why should you stay if it makes you miserable? Long distance relationships are complicated so regardless you would need to work on improving communication so you both feel heard and appreciated.

Hope this helps a bit! Good luck out there!

That is just amazing. This, like a million times over. I could not agree more with this advice if it had come from my own mouth. Err... or I guess my own fingers in this case. LOL!

Pain is inevitable in life. You could try to shield yourself from pain by shielding yourself away from anything that could cause it. Would you avoid pain by doing that? Maybe. Here's the thing, though.... then you aren't living life. So, really you are just causing a whole different kind of pain to yourself. I'm not just talking out of my posterior. I am living proof that somebody can be at the lowest of lows and still inevitably find their way out of the darkness and into highs they never even thought they could reach.

I believe you can achieve that too, even if maybe you do not believe it yourself. But even at those highest of highs, life is never just all roses. There is still pain now and then, Much like elisemies says, if you two ultimately did not work out, that would suck. It would hurt. It may even hurt for a little while.... but you'd eventually get through it. You'd eventually realize that you are better off. It may even help you work on some things you want to improve within yourself. Or to realize things you put up with and shouldn't and thereby get a better idea of what you find to be unacceptable in a relationship so you can avoid that in future possible love interests. Possibly even both. If it isn't going to work out, it is better than you know that rather than being left stuck in a kind of limbo trying to make it work even though it isn't.

If it isn't going to work, no amount of trying to make it work will ever change that. Which, again, isn't to say it isn't worth fighting to try. Maybe yours is a situation where everything actually COULD get better between you two with a little communication and teamwork. Or maybe it is a situation where you are better off just moving on. I can't know that. But I do know that you deserve to be happy. If that happiness can include this relationship, then great. If this relationship only hinders your happiness, then it may be better off letting it go.

Best of luck to you either way.