New guy led about his age and...dealbreaker?

[lovemuffin]

I met a guy recently that I discovered after we went out three times lied about his age. His profile says he's two years younger than me then he tells me in person he's two years older than me then I find out he's actually 8 years older than me giving a Google search his last name and addresses. I tend to be very honest person particularly in my dating profile and this kind of thing really kind of bothers me. Shouldn't? I haven't called him on it yet. I'm going to ask him in person if I see him are on the phone what year were you born? See how quickly he answers then tell him what I found online.

Also after our third date we ended up going back to my place to hang out. I am very attracted to him but wasn't ready for sex after we were kissing a bit and he was attempting more and told him that. He said that was fine and he wouldn't push me but he continued to touch try stuff. I was feeling resistant because I got my heartbroken recently as I posted another thread ( guy who loved bombed and ghosted me) and mention this to him when he continued to try. Is this really bad? Should it be a deal-breaker? He told me he hadn't had sex in quite a while too though.

[TheEvilJester]

Lying about his age.... MAYBE that isn't necessarily a deal breaker.... but I can only say that for me personally it definitely would be a big deal breaker. Especially by so much, and especially if he even lied while supposedly coming clean about his lie.

How did you learn he's actually 8 years older than you? Are you sure that is actually true? I only ask because if it turns out maybe your source on that was wrong, I could MAYBE give him a pass since he came clean to you pretty much right away. MAYBE. But, the fact that he lied on his profile... then supposedly came clean about it to you... but EVEN THAT was a lie.... that tells me he apparently has a pattern of being a liar.

If he's lying about such trivial things, what other big lies could he tell you if things continue? I can't necessarily tell you if that should be a deal breaker for you. You have to decide that for yourself. I can just tell you that it would be for me.

Now, for the second part.... Could you clarify something I am not quite sure I am understanding? So, things started moving a little faster than you wanted. You told him this, even explained, and he said he understood and he is okay with that. That much I got.

Are you saying even after that discussion and even after he said he was okay with it, he kept trying? If yes, then that would definitely also be a deal breaker for me. If he actually DID respect your wishes and stopped once you asked him to, then I don't see a problem in that. If you asked him to stop and he actually did then that, to me, actually seems like a really good thing. Again, if you asked him to stop and he did not, that is definitely a deal breaker in my book. Especially when he said he's okay with it and yet proceeded anyway (more lies).

[lovemuffin]

I googled his name and know the towns hes lived in...multiple sites say 10 years older.

As for the other part yes he kept going after conversation. I called him on it the next day and he apologized and also said it has been a long time since he had sex.

[TheEvilJester]

Please do not reveal his real name here..... but is it a common enough name that there is some possibility those sites could be referring to somebody else who happens to have the same name? I, for one, happen to actually have a pretty ridiculously common name (my real name, that is, not "TheEvilJester." LOL) So, if you tried to Google me you'd probably have quite the dickens of a time finding anything that is actually me.

Were the sites you saw reputable/believable? Because, again, I'd be reluctant to automatically trust anything you see online. If it was right there on his Facebook profile that's one thing. If it's on "SnoopFinders.Net" or "FakeScamSite.Fake" that's different.

Anyway, I just say all that because it is something to consider. Because, again, if he lied about his age on his profile then lied AGAIN when supposedly coming clean to you about it, to me that would be a HUGE red flag. If he TRULY only lied on his profile by two years... and then immediately admitted that to you, I could MAYBE have some leniency. That's the only reason I personally am curious if you are sure enough that what you found online is true rather than what he told you.

As it is, maybe I'm the wrong guy to talk about the second issue... I don't know. Because I'm sort of old-fashioned. I believe men should be gentleman. Doesn't mean they have to be prudes, but to me you asking him to slow things down.... and then him still trying to push it anyway.... That is a BIG no no to me. I don't care the excuse.

But, I'm honestly not sure if that is just because I'm not like most guys these days. I'm pretty sure it isn't just me, but I can never be 100% sure what normal human people think is acceptable/excusable because I'm not one. LOL! He didn't FORCE you into anything, so that is one thing at least... but I lean towards thinking his actions are unacceptable. You said no. No does not mean "Try again a little later."

[lovemuffin]

No not common name and 4 addresses i know about. He lied about age by 8 years. I called him and asked about it and asked to talk about it later. Later he said he felt I was putting him on the bench and mentiined how I dont have real town I live in on my profile (I use next town over) but do that for safety reasons...he said thats why he doesnt give his real age and asked tp see me this weekend and talk in person.

He was involved in a hate crime 15 yrs ago...not sure if that might be what hes referring to though when he says for safety reasons...if so why didnt he just mention again as he had told me abour that situation few days before.

[lovebroken]

Was he lying online about his age to hit on and pick up younger women? Why else lie about it? I would call him on it if it bothers you. Usually, with one big lie, there will be others too.

- - - Updated - - -

Oh, saw you updated in the last post. Yes, other lies and hidden things. Do you like him, trust him? if even any doubt or worries left, I would not continue on with him.

[lovemuffin]

Not sure what you mean by other lies and hidden things. I did find it odd though that his response when I called him on it was he felt like I was putting him on the bench... Yes isn't that how someone should feel when they're being called on lying about their age? Name is that a right response to someone calling you on a lie?

You never gave me a reason why he lied about his age... He echoed what I said about how I list myself living in another town but one right next door that I actually am on the line of it in real life too and I do that for safety reasons because there was a stalker issue years ago with a guy from online.. he claimed he lists his age younger for safety reasons which II the only thing I could think was because he was involved in a hate crime years ago but he did not say that is the reason.

- - - Updated - - -

"He" never gave me a reason*

[lovemuffin]

He is ignoring my texts and calls since last night. Told me Sun we would get together this Sat and talk and do an activity we both likem..but now crickets.

[lovemuffin]

That he told me he feels like I put him "on the bench" and is now completely ignoring me....what does that say about him as a person? I'm a bad person because I called him on a lie he made?

[lovemuffin]

He just texted me and said he's at the airport and just recharged his phone. I
Texted your phone was not charge the whole time you were in New York? He was there three days. Then he called and said he did get my calls and texts but was busy spending time with his family hasn't seen in a long time. I said wow you didn't even have time to send me a quick text? He said no :roll eyes:

[TheEvilJester]

Honestly, if I were you, I'd just move on. Again, I never like to tell people what to do, but rather to advise them what I would do if I were in their situation. So if you think there is something still worth pursuing with this guy feel free....

But I'm honestly FIRMLY now of the opinion that this guy is not worth your trouble. You lying about your city on your profile.... by putting a different city very close by is NOT a big deal even in the slightest. Hell, I live in the suburbs of Philadelphia, but on most of my profiles that are actually of me, I just put my city as Philadelphia. For similar reasons. I don't want complete strangers knowing exactly where I am, so Philly is close enough.

Him lying about his age.... by EIGHT YEARS.... that's not for "safety reasons." You ask me, he's full of crap. I don't see ANY reason anybody would lie about their age on a dating sight other than to try to pick up women/men who are younger enough that maybe they wouldn't go for them if they knew their real age. If he's truly worried about safety, that's exactly why you don't put your exact location, or your real full name or something like that. That's not a reason to lie about your age, and certainly not by so much.

And liars almost always seem to share another lovely trait (hopefully my sarcasm is obvious there). They almost always go out of their way to seem offended when you call them out on a lie. So somehow (in their eyes only) YOU are the bad guy for calling them out on their lies.

And listen to how quickly he lies, then changes his lies when you call him out on it. He ignores your texts. Probably because he just didn't want to deal with it and not because he's was actually too busy. Too busy to take a minute or two to send a few texts?! He makes up a BS excuse about his phone not being charged. You don't believe him... so instantly he changes his tune. Oh, no, suddenly it wasn't that it wasn't charged, he was just too busy.

This guy sounds like a real piece of work. Again, in my personal opinion, he is NOT worth the trouble. Again, that has to be up to you, though. At this point, my advice would be to forget him. Tell him, as politely as you can that you are moving on. Just something like "Hey, I enjoyed the time we did have, but I just don't feel like it is the right match. Best of luck to you, though." Short, sweet, but clear that you are done.

Though, again, you have to do what feels right to you. If you want to still try to pursue this with him at least make sure you have some kind of reasonable breaking point. Some point at which, if things do not improve, or if his lies just continue to escalate... that you decide enough is enough and you move on. Best of luck to you either way.

[lovemuffin]

Thanks EVJ. I'm not nearly as nice as you though LOL this is what I texted him after we get off the phone:

You do realize how ridiculous it sounds to tell someone you couldn't even send a text cuz you're with your family? Do you really think I or any other woman is really that stupid?

Guessing you were really with a woman wherever you really were which given you said you weren't seeing anyone else...doesn't really matter tho...the fact you lied about your age (twice) and wouldn't give a reason and also selected you don't do drugs on your profile.

Good luck finding that HONEST MATURE person you said are looking for in your profile.

[TheEvilJester]

I'm not nice, I'm polite. There's a difference. Mainly that I'm nice.... to a point. I'll do my best to remain polite, calm, and diplomatic even to a point where maybe most would have already lost their cool.... BUT.... push me far enough, or in the wrong way, or in some way give me proper provocation and I'll pull somebody's heart right out of their chest and crush it right in front of their face. ....Figuratively speaking, of course. I totes just meant that figuratively.

Truth be told, if I were you I maybe wouldn't have handled it the way you did... but I 110% do not blame you and would not even slightly begrudge you that response. I just personally find it a waste of time, energy, and frustration to even try with people like that. People like that will never learn, will never grown, will never admit they could possibly do any wrong.

Honestly, I'm just glad you told him off rather than to keep dealing with his crap. Given all the details you shared I definitely would NOT have continued any kind of relationship with him if I were you. But, as I often say, I don't like to tell people what to do because it isn't my place. Rather I give my thoughts and what I would maybe do and allow them to draw their own personal conclusions. Glad, though, that your conclusion was much the same as mine.

Best of luck to you. Sadly that is love sometimes. It takes sorting through a whole bunch of losers until you find yourself the right match. I hope you find the right match very soon. For the time being, though, don't forget to take time to appreciate YOU and find happiness even while just by yourself. I, myself, took WAY too long in life to finally do that and I can attest to how great it feels when you finally do.

[smackie09]

Deal breaker....kick to curb.

[lovemuffin]

Thanks guys. Yes I've decided I'm done with online dating these for a while and just focusing on me my interests and my happiness like you said EVJ.