Best Friend (34) Dating An Ex-Con (55) -- Help!

[MsLondonB]

Hello love forumers it's been awhile! But I need serious help. My very best friend in the world (we've been friends since we were 6) is dating a man 21 years her senior, who lives with his mother, and was in prison for 10 years, she still doesn't know why, he won't tell her.

Oh and forgot to mention, he is still married, but separated for 15 years, which he lied to her about, telling her he had never been married! She only found out because he inadvertently let something slip and she questioned him and he finally admitted.

It's been three months and she insists he is the love of her life! And wants to marry him! He doesn't even have a good paying job which is why he still lives with his elderly mum.

Before she met him, she was a huge multi-dater for years!! Huge Tinder queen. Lots of hook ups, dates never leading anywhere which seemed fine with her.

I have tried to have an open mind but I do not trust this new guy. The lying about never being married, telling her he will take steps to get legally separated and divorced but so far nothing!

I don't think he's using her as she lives a very modest lifestyle, paycheck to paycheck and has two young kids.

But she claims she is madly in love, more in love than she has ever been, but my lawd there are so many red flags!

So far I have been supportive, except for telling her she should tread carefully, which of course she's not she is falling deeper and deeper.

Not to sound shallow but he is not even good looking, looks like he could be her father.

Can yiu give me some solid advice how to handle this situation? Continue keeping my mouth shut? It's so hard, she is like a sister to me, friends since we were 6!

Thank you all in advance!

[TheEvilJester]

Unfortunately, the honest truth is that there isn't much you can do. Believe me, I understand and I think most of us would. You can see your friend making what seems like a big mistake and you just want what is best for her.

What you certainly CAN do is share some of your concerns with her. Of course, be delicate in how you approach it. As best you can, try not to make it sound like an attack on his character. In other words, temper it with statements like "I think he is a great guy and I love that he makes you happy...but I'm just worried about...." Maybe tell her things like "I absolutely want you to be happy and if that winds up being with him I will be very happy for you, but at least don't rush things. There is a lot to consider. If you two are right for each other, that will still be the case in a while just as much as it is now. So I just would hate to see you rush yourself."

I mean, put that in your own words, obviously. But, those are a few ideas, off the top of my head, of a way to share your concerns in a delicate way. So it doesn't sound like you are saying "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?! This guy is a freaking loser! You deserve so much better!" LOL! Even if maybe that is what you are thinking.... even if maybe you feel it is so glaringly obvious... you can't talk somebody out of being in love.

I'm pretty sure most of us have been in her situation before. By that, I don't mean her EXACT situation. I mean being with somebody who is very wrong for us.... but we fail to see it because we think we are in love. Imagine yourself in that situation and think how you'd react if somebody viciously attacked the character of the man you thought at the time was your soulmate. Maybe they'd ultimately have been right about him, but you wouldn't see that at the time.

If you approach it more delicately and as a caring friend, she may be more willing to listen rather than to just shut you out instantly. Truth is, this is one of those things where you can't do much. Sometimes people have to learn for themselves. In a way, it is almost like having a friend who is an addict. You can tell them all you want how much they are ruining their life and hurting the ones they love... but if they don't want to stop they are never going to stop. They have to hit a point where they realize they need to stop and they decide the want to stop.

Hopefully, either he turns out to be a good guy after all (who maybe just ran into some hard times in his past) and puts your mind at ease.... or otherwise in time she realizes her mistake and wakes up. But, you have to let her get there on her own. Hopefully she can do so while still your friend, though if her situation ever becomes too much drama for your own mental health, I couldn't blame you for having to keep your distance. Good luck.

[lovebroken]

Just reading your post I saw the red flags and who knows what other skeletons he has that no one knows about yet, does he live with his mom to care and help her out or is he living off his elderly mom?

Do you think she likes this guy because her heart feels for him, and wants to care for him, he needs her? She might just be trying to convince herself he is right for her because she is tired of OLD life. The age difference doesn't concern me but other things do set alarms off. If you run him down to her she might shove you aside, and keep him.

Also, what if she tells him your concerns and he sees you as a threat and convinces her you are jealous and doesn't want her happy and to drop you as a friend. She has the same eyes as you and would hope common sense to see red flags, she is 34 and hard to tell her what to do, sadly. Maybe watch him closely, lok for glaring lies you can prove and then confront him in front of her, all in open but stay quiet until something happens that you cannot hold your tongue any longer.

[TheEvilJester]

Yeah, I will say that I think the red flags there are pretty darn glaring and obvious. Hence why I think most of us would be just as baffled as you as to why she would be missing them.

Again, none of us are close enough to the situation to know. MAYBE there are things about him we don't see that make him worth working through all those red flags. Maybe each of those red flags does have honest explanations that clarify things. We can't really know that.

But, she's an adult. If she doesn't seem them you can try to share your concerns, maybe hint at the red flags, but in the end you can't make her change her mind. If she's ever in danger from him, maybe that is a different story and you do whatever you can (even up to calling the police if necessary). But, beyond that, there isn't much you can do other than be there as a concerned friend.

[smackie09]

He's mysterious, gruff, and a bad boy...the perfect storm for a girl who likes to tame the beast. She just can't help herself when he tells her things like "you are the guiding light for my new life" "I have never had anyone care so much as you!" "I'm a changed man because of you" "You give me hope for a bright future" "I need you to be with me, I had such a bad life" etc etc etc. The dopamine is rocketing off in her brain...like a dog that has found an irresistible scent.

Drop the leash and let her run at it.....she's an adult, she can make her own decisions good or bad.

[MsLondonB]

Thank you everyone!

The latest is she discovered him flirting with other women on FB, lots of pics, lots of sexual innuendo.

At first she was furious and I was like "YEAH she's finally seeing the light"!! But the next day she was back to being in love, that it was all innocent, they're his friends from AA. He told her she is his first priority!

I know you're right, thanks again for taking the time to listen to my rant and respond.

[richiro]

you woudnl't be a true friend if you kept your mouth shut. Let's put it that way. Unfortunately there are tons of red flags and this will only be a disaster if she insists on this - but it's very possible she will insist on this and you can't change her mind.

I would drop the judgemental comments about him - that will only make her MORE convinced he's the one (due to predictable brainwashing by him that's happened already I'm sure). I would keep it to some very simple and obvious facts and put it in a light that will hit her that she can't argue with.

First there is the lying. He started all of this with a HUUUUUUUUUGE lie. Can anything he says really be trusted?
Secondly, how can they get married if he's still married? So any promises of getting married are just another LIE until he actually divorces his current wife.
Thirdly, he can't sustain himself or live within any rules (aka prison, need to live with his mother and can't find a job). How will they live?

When she dreamt of her "perfect man" and "perfect life" - did it ever look like a picture where she would have to live with her another man's husband who lives at his parent's house and do all the income earning to pay for everything because he is not able to pay for everything, and in fact has a tendency to go to jail and disappear?

IF that has been the picture in her head all these years of what she dreamed about and wanted - then fine. Be happy and congrats for fulfiling her dreams.
IF not... then why is she compromising and throwing away all her dreams?

[TheEvilJester]

Thank you everyone!

The latest is she discovered him flirting with other women on FB, lots of pics, lots of sexual innuendo.

At first she was furious and I was like "YEAH she's finally seeing the light"!! But the next day she was back to being in love, that it was all innocent, they're his friends from AA. He told her she is his first priority!

I know you're right, thanks again for taking the time to listen to my rant and respond.

Stuff like this is why I think you just can't win with somebody like this. I will say that I DO agree with richiro that you don't necessarily have to completely keep your mouth shut. It's okay to share concerns with her.

...It's just the thing is there really isn't much you CAN say or do. So I don't personally think there is much you SHOULD say. Again, unless he becomes dangerous, then that's different. But, otherwise, she is an adult. It isn't like you can say anything to her she doesn't already know. So you aren't going to suddenly convince her. If she isn't seeing it on her own, she's not going to suddenly go "Wow! You're right! He is loser."

So, you can certainly try to help and be the concerned friend.... but there's only so much you can do or say. If she's going to realize she deserves better, she's going to have to arrive at that conclusion on her own. Unfortunately, sometimes we can't help those we love from making a mistake. We can try... but if they are determined, we sometimes have to just wish them the best and hope it ends well... or at least doesn't hurt them too much in the end.

Good luck to her.