Is he in love or are we good friends?

[delicate]

Hi everyone, I am a girl of 21, and I have this strange relationship with a guy slightly older than me (26).

I met him a couple of years ago. My interest in him grew very fast and I ended up being desperately in love...After a period of friendship I confessed to him, but he told me he was not ready for anything since he was already in love with another girl. I said OK, let's remain friend: I really enjoyed his company anyway, we have interests in common so we have a lot of fun together.
Some months later he left our country (he studies abroad) and I thought everything was finished for us. But it was not: he kept texting me and, sometimes, even call me. We always have something to talk about, it's easy for us to get along as I said. We speak easily about our problems, we are like a strong team.
However I missed his presence SO MUCH, that I was not having a proper social life anymore: I was suffering, and I decided to stop loving him and trying to see other guys.

Recently he got back to our city for a while. All of sudden, this time it was him who confessed his love to me!!!
He told me he's really comfortable with me and that leaving the country made him realize how much he could miss me. He started going physical (hugs and caresses and holding hands), he never did before. But this time I was the one who stepped back: I reacted very bad, tbh...I felt like he was making fun of me. How could it be: before leaving he was totally NOT interested in me, and as soon as he's back, he sees me and changes his mind?! I think he was just trying to forget the other girl, so I explained him that his confession was too strange, too sudden and too late. But I forgave his clumsy attempt and we agreed to remain friends again. He assured me it was just a temporary crush from his side, nothing serious. And now he's back to his University abroad.

I know he told me that his confession was a mistake and everything. But now, when we talk, he seems so different...so sweet. He was never like that when we started to be friend! Often he tells me random compliments...And when we speak to the phone, we can even remain in silence because he says he's comfortable with me and he can even just listen to hear me breath. NOW...this totally sounds to me as he is still in love with me. Other friends tell me that probably when I stepped back he had to make up an excuse (the "sorry it was just a crush" thing) just not to lose our friendship. However, it took me so much time to forget my love for him, that I don't want to go back and suffer.
I don't want to delude myself...and I think that now he feels the same way, because I asked him what I should do if I fall for him again and he answered: "Sorry, I don't know..."

What is your opinion on this topic? I know, it's a bit f***d up.

[bunnyhabit]

sounds like he really has romantic feelings for you now. he is shying away due to your rejections in fear of losing contact with you. give him an opportunity to prove he love you next time he is local to you. ldr suck for a meaningful relationship

[delicate]

give him an opportunity to prove he love you next time he is local to you. ldr suck for a meaningful relationship

Who knows when he'll be back he made it clear that he is planning to stay abroad even after graduation, he has nice job opportunities there...
Probably the best thing would be just to forget each other, but it seems we are not able to. Every time we separate, we come back. I feel like he is truly my soulmate and without him I'd lose an important part of me. I wonder if he feels the same way, but it's like I already know he does...we never need words to understand each other

Sorry, I'm going full-dreaming-and-overly-romantic...Thank you for your reply!

[Hooo!]

What do you want?

[TheEvilJester]

This is one of the many times where I very much agree with Hooo's short but simple response. Because you weren't completely clear on that. Let's forget for a minute what he wants. Whether he still has romantic feelings for you or not. Do YOU want to pursue a relationship with him, or would you rather not? Do YOU still feel you may have romantic feelings for him, or did him not having interest ruin that chance for you?

If you don't think you can feel that way about him again, then it really doesn't matter whether or not he feels anything romantically for you. In that scenario you don't want to pursue it anyway, so just don't. If he tries, just politely tell him no thank you. It would be up to him to decide if he can still be friends or if that is too hard.

If you DO still think you'd like something romantic with him, then there is no harm in you trying again. I would say do so with caution. In other words, this time maybe not like you are confessing deep feelings for him. Just more casual as though you have been re-thinking it a bit and wonder if maybe he feels the same. He could say yes, or he could always say no. Then at least you'd know for sure.

But, it really boils down to what do you want? Do you want another chance, or do you feel that ship has sailed?

[smackie09]

You can still enjoy something for the short term until he leaves.

[delicate]

Sorry I thought my feelings were clear - yes, I do want something romantic, BUT since I enjoy his company and presence in a more general sense I'd be utterly sad in confessing to him and losing him...

Thank you for all your replies so far ❤️

[CantMoveOn]

If you loved him and wanted him to feel the same for you when you had the chance and he admitted he does love you, why push him away and why think he was making fun of you, telling another you love them is a difficult thing to do, because you face rejection.

[TheEvilJester]

I guess, then maybe you would have to sort of weigh the options. True, if you tried asking him out but he wasn't up for it because he just couldn't risk it after being rejected... that would suck... that would hurt... and maybe that would make it too hard for you two to remain friends. Or maybe if you asked and he WAS still interested... perhaps you two would become an item for a while.. but it ultimately wouldn't work. That could also lead to you two losing each other completely.

....BUT.... what if you asked him, and he was still interested.... and it turned out to work out really well? It was a match made in Heaven? You'll never known if you don't try.

On the other hand, do you value the friendship too much to risk it? Do you value the friendship more than you do the possible romantic relationship that could result? Then maybe you don't risk it. Though, to be honest, generally speaking I don't recommend not pursuing the possibility of love when that is what is in your heart. Otherwise there could just be part of you always wondering what if. If you lost each other, sure that would suck... but at least you'd know for sure.

I think maybe another good exercise would be two imagine these two scenarios and decide which you think is worse...

A) You ask him out and, in whatever way, in the end it results in you two losing each other completely

B) You never ask him out and choose just to remain friends.... and eventually you watch him fall in love with some other woman

Those are the two worst case scenarios, so I hope neither has to be the case.... But imagining both of those two, which do you consider to be the more painful result? Maybe that will help guide you towards which decision you think would be best for you.

Good luck.

[delicate]

I think I do value our friendship too much indeed... The idea of not having anymore someone to call when I'm sad or worried knowing that he'll be listening to me scares me. Also a long distance relationship wouldn't be comfortable for both of us...

Why did I reject him? Because as I said he was in love with another woman and he NEVER said something romantic to me before being rejected from that other woman, and nobody likes to be the 2nd choice, the "what's left" option

Giving these premises, I still have the need to know if he's in love with me or no... Maybe it's just to convince myself I was not just a way to forget somebody else.

[ArtisticWoman84]

I will try to bridge this to my understanding of how the Law of Attraction does. You were blocked in your energy when he left which was based on fear he couldn't love you. It kept him emotionally away and unavailable. After you gave up and accepted you could be loved from others and the fears or obsession regarding his potential love for you was let go of....you unblocked those fears also called absence of focus...Thus he came back and his energy felt your shift and kind of neediness was gone. He then recriprocated because it felt more right to what could be called his inner being.

[delicate]

I will try to bridge this to my understanding of how the Law of Attraction does. You were blocked in your energy when he left which was based on fear he couldn't love you. It kept him emotionally away and unavailable. After you gave up and accepted you could be loved from others and the fears or obsession regarding his potential love for you was let go of....you unblocked those fears also called absence of focus...Thus he came back and his energy felt your shift and kind of neediness was gone. He then recriprocated because it felt more right to what could be called his inner being.

Your answer is very interesting, in simple words you're suggesting that there always was an underlying attraction between us but he wasn't feeling good enough around me to "let it out"?

Now that I think about it when he came back he told me the first time we separated he felt really terrible for some days in a row. The thing is, he never told me anything of that back then. Also, this fact that he was in love with someone else confuses my understanding of the whole story

[TheEvilJester]

Really, anything any of us can suggest is pure speculation. We can't know. We don't read minds and we're not him. But, a lot of it sounds like it could very well just be bad timing. After all, you first confessed deeper feelings for him when his attention was already with another woman. I don't recall you going into much detail about their relationship (unless I just missed that), so I'm not sure if they were dating, they were actually exclusive, or if she may even just have been a crush.

Either way, it is entirely possible he just didn't even think of you in that way at the time because his romantic attention was elsewhere. ...But it sounds like he then later realized he DID feel the same way about you after all. The problem being you no longer did... or at least weren't willing to risk it after what happened the first time you'd confessed your feelings to him.

...But then fast forward and now you seem to be thinking you maybe have feelings for him again. As much as I'd love to tell you what to do, it is definitely a situation where you need to decide what is best for you. It sounds like MAYBE you've done that. You seem to say that you value the friendship too much to risk losing that. I will say, generally speaking I do NOT recommend NOT trying for love when and where it may be possible. Sometimes you can't help what the heart may want. Sometimes, even if it doesn't end well, it is better to try than to just decide not to and possibly always wonder what if.

But, if this is a case where you truly feel you value the friendship more than the possibility of love, then that may be your decision. Do you think you could be okay with being just his friend and watch if/when he falls in love with some other woman? Do you think you could be open to and okay with finding other men to love with him around as a friend, or would there be too great a risk that you'd hold yourself back (even if you don't realize you are doing it) from finding love because part of you just wants that love to be him?

These aren't easy questions to answer.... but they are important. Best of luck to you either way. I hope that, whatever you decide, it works out the best for you both.

[delicate]

I will say, generally speaking I do NOT recommend NOT trying for love when and where it may be possible. Sometimes you can't help what the heart may want. Sometimes, even if it doesn't end well, it is better to try than to just decide not to and possibly always wonder what if.

I had EXACTLY your same belief when I decided to confess to him more than one year ago...but after he rejected me, after everything we went through and the strong bond we built, now I think I changed all my believes...

Would I resist seeing him in love with another woman? I think I would, if he doesn't destroy our friendship for her...really I care SO MUCH about him, and our bond, I just want him to be happy (and possibly not abandon me). In a way, maybe I'm a bit dependent by this bond, not even "in love" with him.

In the end, I believe I won't actively do anything to change this situation. I would be happy to see what happens if one of us speaks up about a possible love, but I won't do it first. I really can't afford to lose such a precious thing. I know, it sounds stupid. Thank you all for having listened to such a stupid, idealist girl...

[TheEvilJester]

It absolutely does NOT sound stupid. Who couldn't understand that? In whatever capacity it may take, this relationship means a great deal to you. Who the Hell WOULDN'T be worried about losing that? Who wouldn't at least have some doubt about risking that, no matter the possible benefit if they did?

I'll also point out one more thing. You say you shared my belief when you first confessed your feelings to him. You did so only for him to reveal he did not feel the same way.

...Fast forward to now and you two are still really good friends. Is that not a sign that you maybe did the right thing? By confessing your feelings, you no longer had to keep them a secret, and you no longer had to wonder if there could be something more between you two. You knew he wasn't interested, so you were able to move on as just friends.

Of course, then unfortunately/fortunately, he changed his mind and DID have feelings for you as well.... and that just complicated things all over again. .....Yet here you two are still very close friends. Does that not suggest that the friendship is probably strong enough to survive regardless?

Again, though, that is just me. You are not me. (Thank God for you for that, LOL!) So, again, you have to do what is right for you. If, for you, that means remaining just friends with him because it would not be worth the risk of maybe losing him even as a friend if he didn't feel the same way, then maybe that is what you do. But, if you do, at least have some idea of what comes next for you. Because you definitely deserve somebody special, whether that turns out to be him or not. So, if you two remain just friends, you at least need to be open to finding love in another guy.

What I would absolutely hate to see you do is to remain in this state of limbo, unwilling and/or unable to find love in any other guys because part of you really just wants him. But also unwilling and/or unable to have that with him because you don't feel it is worth the risk. I've had crushes in my days and was always too shy to do anything about it. ....And inevitably that always ended the same way. With that person eventually no longer being part of my life. Generally not because we had a falling out or anything like that, but simply because that just happens. People drift apart whether they mean to or not. So, it always left me alone and basically just waiting for the next crush to come along.... so I could make the same mistakes all over again.

I just hate to see other people make those mistakes too. So, whether it means you ask him out again... or it means you eventually open your heart to other guys... just please don't make my mistakes.