Is he the one?

[pechurka7]

Hi everyone.

First of all I want to clarify that by "the one" I mean the one to settle down and have a family with. I've been with my boyfriend for abut 8 months now. We are currently renovating an old house so we can move in and start our own family. I know we've not been together for long, but at the beginning of our relationship it seemed like we really could handle it. But lately I'm not so sure anymore. The renovation brought us a lot of stress, consumes a whole lot of time and even more money, which we don't have - especially me. I am wondering if this might be causing my partners latest behaviour or if he just finally pulled off his mask.
He doesn't really seem to care about my opinion or my values anymore. It made me think if maybe he was just pretending at the beginning? For example: I really love animals, I love them even more than people. About a month ago our family dog died. I was extremely sad and depressed for 3 days, whereas he has written it off the same day. 2 days later he's wondering what's wrong with me and why I am spoiling his mood with mine. He never asked how I was doing. He never thought about what my problem could be. I was honestly shocked about it as he knew how much that dog meant to me. It might seem like a small deal to you, but it really hurt me. I kind of got the feeling I cannot really talk to him anymore about anything but HIS interests. Talking about his interests and values is no problem for me at all. I am always interested in what he has to say as it reflects the person he is and also ask him about such matters that seem important to him. When I say something, that is important to me, he just mumbles "mhm" and goes on with his doing. He doesn't even seem to listen let alone care. Could he be like this only because we are currently in a stressful situation with the house, finances? Or did his affection towards me faint already and now he's just using me as his consultant and washing maschine? Someimes he does notice that something's wrong, but I just can't talk about it. So I say it's nothing. And I know he's sick of that.

I know we should talk about this... But this is the hardest part for me. I am reeeeeeaaaaallly bad at talking. I am a little socially awkward, an introverted kind of person. It's hard for me to open up. It's hard for me to communicate face to face about negative matters with my loved ones. I don't like to argue. It makes me very nervous - so much it causes my skin to turn red. I never had many friends because of all that, but the ones that I have are the real deal and I love them with all my heart. I always want to please everyone but I am kind of scared of people at the same time. I want to love, I never want to be a burden to anyone, I want to be loved back the way I know I deserve because I'm a good person. But I don't know how to talk to people. I don't know how to handle them. I don't know how to tell or at least show what I want or what I don't like. I know this has always been my biggest con and I'm afraid it's going to ruin this relationship if I don't speak up and finally say what I have to say.

I'm sorry for this long essay. Even if noone reads it, I just wanted to get it out there. To get at least something out. Hope you're all well. xoxo

[TheEvilJester]

Stressful situations definitely CAN bring out the worst in even the best of us. I will say that my gut reaction is that the way he is treating you sounds more to me like he doesn't appreciate you the way he should and that you deserve better than that. My gut reaction is that it is NOT just a case of him being super-stressed out and not handling it well.

...But that doesn't mean I am automatically right. Like I said, stress can bring out the worst in any of us. So, I guess if some part of you still wants to make it work, it is worth it at least to try. I also 100% understand how you feel about talking to somebody, even a loved one, about a difficult thing like this. Nobody likes confrontation. ...Well.... almost nobody, anyway.

But it definitely is a skill you need to practice. Even in the happiest of relationships, there were always come difficult times now and then. If you don't learn to deal with them, then how will they ever get better? I will tell you one thing that is absolutely true... you deserve to be treated better than he is currently treating you. Could he BE that better? Maybe. But if you don't talk to him, tell him about how you feel, etc., how will you ever know? How will he ever change?

Sure, eventually the stressful situation will go away and things will probably be better.... for the time being. But, what happens when a new stressful situation comes along? Will he just treat you as poorly all over again? Will you just continue to put up with it if he does? Believe me, I know it isn't easy... but you do have to learn to stand up for yourself when necessary. That doesn't have to mean you yell at him, call him names, tell him to stop being a jerk, etc. etc. As best you can, you can try to discuss it with him calmly and rationally. Discuss it as though you give him the benefit of the doubt that he probably doesn't mean to hurt you... but make him understand that the way he is treating you does hurt you whether he realizes it or not.

Please don't let yourself be treated like that. You deserve so much better. Again... it is possible he can BE that better, but if not then you are better off learning that as soon as possible so you can decide it is better to move on. I definitely understand it can be hard to stand up for yourself. You mention it has even caused you skin problems at times.... but think of it like this. If you get the difficult conversation over with and out of the way, then you no longer have to worry about it. If you continue to bottle it up, it will just continue to worry you.

Best of luck to you. You deserve somebody great. It just remains to be seen if he can shape up and be up to the task himself, or if you would be better off move on and finding somebody else.