Is there EVER a solution?

[DennisBernard]

Greetings,

I want to tell myself (perhaps lie to myself) that "This is different!" Yeah, well, the problem with that claim is that IT AIN'T. I don't like facing that. But then I think, "Facing WHAT?" All I'd be "facing" is LIFE, and thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands of YEARS of life, during which time the same thing I've been facing for the last TEN YEARS has been faced, in history, by WHO KNOWS how many millions--tens of millions; hundreds of millions, maybe, men: falling so deeply in love with a much younger woman that you barely feel any purpose whatsoever in living, if you have to live without her. Ten FUC_ _ _ G years! There is a word for this: torture . Nobody inflicted it on me. I did it to myself. I let her sink into my heart, and saturate it. And she probably doesn't feel the same way--just friendship.

And, for certain reasons, I can't tell her. Even if I could, and did, maybe she'd just smile, and think, "How cute." Or maybe she'd even laugh. It was Cyrano de Bergerac's greatest fear: that, if he confessed his love for his cousin, Roxanne, she'd laugh.

[As an aside, now that I've delved into the swashbuckling era of "Romantic" love, invoking the frustration of Cyrano, when I was young I used to deny that Romantic love existed. I said it was bulls_ _ t. I said that love grew. I said that romance was a facade. See, I'm '60s. I got caught up in that era's "revolutionary" BULLS_ _ T. (and THAT'S what it was!!!) Never would I "fall in love" romantically. Live long enough, and life will make a LIE out of you. Ten years ago, I met her. And it was [yep!!] love at first sight, and NOTHING has changed in 10 years, other than that I'm 10 years more FRUSTRATED; 10 years more IN LOVE; and ten years more helpless, with no solution available, other than to "suck it up," as men of my dad's generation would tell us to "solve" every damned thing. Just suck it up]

Not sure what to say. If I describe too much it might divulge who she is.

Other problem: I write too much. I type very fast, and I can get my thought down quickly. So, how do I NOT do that, here at this forum? If I don't go into depth, I won't be understood.

I'm over 60. SHUT UP! It ain't funny. (I take it back: It IS funny. And it's also hell. I'm old enough to see the funny. So, laugh your asses off, if you must. But I'm suffering).

I'm retired. Decided to go to the library, to try to get away from my place, where it's filled with my thoughts. Problem with thoughts, though, is that tend to prefer BEING WITH YOU--all the goddamned TIME. So, here I am, at the library, and I'm supposed to be studying something, for my own edification. And the only thing that I feel would "edify" me is her.

So, I pull up her picture. And I just stare at it. For what? There's nothing that can happen, anyway. Young women like young men--unless you have MONEY. Then, it's not real, is it? No, it's not. It's an arrangement.

I've asked myself, "If you were rich, wouldn't it be worth it to enter such an arrangement?" IF.

We've corresponded for some 9 years, in email--small talk. We were once co-workers. I grew to know her different dimensions. So, the "love at first sight" became totally justified after I learned of her many qualities.

Never felt this strongly before in my life--not about anybody. It's so strong inside of me that I've begun to wonder about something that I had denied existed: reincarnation. Why this intense attraction? It never happened before. I never believed in "previous lives," but I can't find any answer for this obsession. I wonder if she and I were mates, in a "previous life."

Then I began to wonder whether she and I are mates NOW, but in a "different dimension." I've even been tempted to go to a reader and adviser, or some such other person.

A "therapist" [not really, but someone very deep] told me to just tell her how I feel. He said, "Then you'd know." I told him, "I can't." And I can't.

Why would she carry on email conversation with me, for all these years, if there wasn't something in her heart? A friend of mine (who LOVES to get a laugh--at your expense), said, "Well, maybe she sees you as a FATHER figure," and he burst out laughing. I didn't. Not really funny. But, that's him.

I'm purposely (for now) leaving out certain inconvenient details that add a number of extra layers to that issue that I just don't want to think about, or talk about, at this time.

I never felt part of normal society. So, I guess that's why this is tripping me out, as we used to say. This happens to "brainwashed" people, I used to thin; to people who "sit up reading Harlequin Romance novels all day"; to "weak men."

My big brother puts it in biological terms, and I DO NOT like that, because I want my love to be something much greater than some biological imperative. But, anyway, he says that, when a man starts getting older, he begins to sense his mortality. It's biological. And in sensing his mortality, he begins to instinctively yearn for immortality. He says that that's why the craving for young women happens. Because, in young women, and in reproduction through young women, he assures his genetic immortality, as his genes will survive on through the children.

Whether he follows through or not is not the issue. The issue, he claims, is that the underlying motivation for his intense attraction to young women is his desire for immortality.

Ten years??? The SAME woman!!!???

I ain't DEAD yet. And younger women attract me. But this one is....if I wasn't religious, I would want to WORSHIP her. Well, I'm "religious." (I'd best put that in quotes).

I've been at the library, now, for 45 minutes. I've done NOTHING but look at her picture and write this note. I might as well had stayed at the flat.

I don't know if I'm looking for any answers here. I'm probably just releasing tension. I'm talked out, having explained my "problem" to a few friends--male friends. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe I should talk to some women.

I've "talked" to God. It appears that He wants me to figure it out for myself. Well, it's been TEN YEARS of "figuring."

I have no other desire, except to have her. It's been that way for 10 years. I respect her space. She's religious too [more than me]. So, I don't know what to do. I guess that eventually, even after 10 years, I'll face reality. But, why is it unreal to hope?

DB

[smackie09]

You are a grown a$$ man, you never bother to ask her out on a date? Who cares about age or religious beliefs. If she said no, not interested, you could have moved on 10 years ago. What is she married or something? what's the deal?

[DennisBernard]

You are a grown a$$ man, you never bother to ask her out on a date? Who cares about age or religious beliefs. If she said no, not interested, you could have moved on 10 years ago. What is she married or something? what's the deal?

You are a grown a$$ man, you never bother to ask her out on a date? Who cares about age or religious beliefs. If she said no, not interested, you could have moved on 10 years ago. What is she married or something? what's the deal?

HA!!! A straight-talker!! You must be from MY old neighborhood. Thanks for your frankness.

Well, yeah, there is a PROBLEM. She got married some four years ago. Before that, of course, I was, and still am, married. Believe me, I GOTCHA, on the religion tip, and had pretty much BURIED my religious beliefs, because my heart was captured. But, I just couldn't. I'm BRAINWASHED. Sorry.

Well, as I said, she wasn't married for most of those years, and all I could get my nerve up to do was throw hints. What would I have done if she had said, "Well, what the HELL are you WAITING for!!?? Let's get it ON!!" For any other woman, I'd probably resist. But, had she invited me, I could not have resisted. It would have been impossible to. Maybe, subconsciously, I was waiting for an invitation--hoping for one. I did have one SORT OF therapist tell me, "Just ASK her. That's the only way you will know if she feels for you as you feel for her."

But there is another problem. She is in a different religion, and is serious about it--goes to her place of worship every morning--EVERY morning. Yet, on the other hand, for someone so religious, that woman can flirt her a$$ off, and that's what hooked me in the FIRST place. Plus, I later learned that she has a ton of other qualities besides her beauty, including once helping me with a huge problem I had. Her advice WORKED, and that endeared me to her even more.

I WISH I could be like my big brother who, at age 75, has a young 24-year-old, if you can believe that (and he's MARRIED). I asked him, "Man, what on EARTH can your old a$$ do with such a young woman!!?" He goes, "There are other parts of my anatomy--They work well, too."

We both went to the same Catholic school, he before I did. The doctrine never took hold to him. Indeed, the ONLY reason he became an altar boy was to get the key to the sacrisy, a room behind the altar, so he could drink the wine, and have sex with the girls. Had the nuns discovered that, they'd have sent to ROME for an Exorcist, to "take the Devil" out of him.

I, on the other hand, always took my religion, and its laws, very seriously--until I met HER, and I had to finally admit that religion wasn't the obstacle anymore. It was fear of possibly disrespecting her, in her eyesight, by me, a married man, asking her for SOME deeper form of relationship [not necessarily sexual], other than just friend.

I mean, I don't need THAT, so much as I'd just like to be in her company. Even go out to lunch or dinner or something.

I guess I'm a coward; or just too old-fashioned.

Oh, by the way, her marriage is DEEPLY on the rocks, after only a few years. I don't wish it will fail. Neither do I wish it succeeds. I wish THE BEST, whatever that is, for her . It's far from a selfish thing.

In the neighborhood I grew up in, there was virtually NOTHING "illegal" that a dude wouldn't do. But, in my particular neighborhood there existed ONE no-no: never mess with another man's woman. Even the biggest criminal in the neighborhood bound himself to that honor code. We could leave our women with WHOEVER, and never worry.

It's that honor code, actually, that has held be back, more than the Catholic stuff, to be honest with you. It's an evil thing to disrupt someone's relationship with their women, in my opinion. She's MARRIED, despite that it seems to be dissolving rapidly [She TOLD me so, in fact].

I never pried. I'm now tempted to.

She told me something, once, that was very deep, about how she felt that she and I clicked. But it was not strong enough [or maybe I'm not smart enough] for me to make any moves. Besides, she told it to me, in person, while she's been married, at a certain gathering we both attended. He wasn't there.

So, I don't know what else to say. I don't KNOW what to do!! I've been praying to God for the "impossible," though I don't really know what that means. I just know that she will never, ever leave my heart, that is impossible. There it is. Thanks again for your response.

I wish I still drank liquor. But, I don't [another pitiful result of brainwashing, I guess.]

[smackie09]

Just tell her that you would love to be the first to take her out on a date, if things don't work out with her and her husband. That is all you have to say and say it with sincerity.

[DennisBernard]

Just tell her that you would love to be the first to take her out on a date, if things don't work out with her and her husband. That is all you have to say and say it with sincerity.

You make it sound so easy. Maybe you're right. She knows I'm okay. I've respected her space for all these years. She definitely knows that I'm crazy about her, though she never goes anywhere near that, ever responding to my hints, other than occasionally to say stuff like, "That's sweet," as if she's petting a DOG on the head. I don't take it that way, really.

I have learned, by sort of hanging out with some of her co-religionists, that they DO NOT play by the rules, necessarily, and they rationalize in order to escape those rules. Hell, all I would want, to start is just that--a date; a walk in the park; a lunch, a movie--SOMETHING.

I left something else out. Recently (and I must be careful here, and I definitely will not say much more), she kind of found herself in a little trouble. I was there for her, and that's all I'll say. It uplifted my status, in her eyes, and she said so.

I got a Muslim friend of mine--southern Indian guy. He had two wives for decades. One died, and he's still with the other one. And he had them right here in America, consciously breaking the so-called "monogamy" laws her. Shockingly, he was much less religious than I am. And, one day, when I was deeply frustrated, he said, "Just GIVE HER THE BABY!!!" Wow!!! I couldn't believe it. I pretended I didn't know what he meant, and I go, "What? What are you talking about?"

"GIVE HER THE BABY!!! AND LET HER HUSBAND RAISE IT!!!"

Then he rationalized some Muslim teaching that I'd never heard about.

But, what really got me was his CARE of me, his friend. He is one of the few who knows me pretty well, and could feel my misery and frustration. All you're saying is to ask her for a date. And I ain't even sure I can do that.

Well, I think I can. How, though?

"Listen, you know how much I care about you. I was wondering if we might get together sometime--just to hang out a little bit, that's all. Nothing deeper."

Maybe that's too much.

[smackie09]

Why not just say it like I told you....you are still being mindful of her marital status. I doubt very highly she will date you when she is still married. Sure others will break the rules...not her tho....so you cannot justify it because of what others have done.

[DennisBernard]

Why not just say it like I told you....you are still being mindful of her marital status. I doubt very highly she will date you when she is still married. Sure others will break the rules...not her tho....so you cannot justify it because of what others have done.

Yes, I can try that, if they finally break up. Looks as if you're from England [?] I don't know bout there, but here, women women break up with someone, they often "go on the rebound," and get a bit WILD (if you know what I mean). I suppose that's not something I should concern myself with, hey? Like, if I ask her, right after she leaves him and they end it, she might do her "rebound" thing with me. I suppose that if that happened, I should simply be happy that it did.

Maybe I think too much. On the one hand, I would LOVE to be there for her, if she breaks up with him, to be a shoulder she can rest on; someone she could be with if her days gets dark after they break up. On the other hand, if she would want to you know what, would she be settled enough? Whatever that means.

I don't need her for a piece of meat. There's meat, in America EVERYWHERE--free meat; meat for pay; meat ON CREDIT. I don't need her for that, though that would be an added plus. I want something special. I don't want to be an object of a rebound, and that's that. Know what I'm saying?

[smackie09]

Dude....do you not see the Canadian flag on my avatar? I'm yer neigbour up north.

I understand bebounds and all that crap, but you have been friends for so many years, I don't think you have anything to worry about.

[DennisBernard]

Dude....do you not see the Canadian flag on my avatar? I'm yer neigbour up north.

I understand bebounds and all that crap, but you have been friends for so many years, I don't think you have anything to worry about.

I hope you're right. I'm sure she'll let me know if they break up. She says she wants to keep trying with him, but at the same time she can't stand him, from some things she's STRONGLY hinted. I got nothing against him. I know very little about him. If they break up, it's just normal life. If it happens, I will ask her.

- - - Updated - - -

Also, ever since some issues popped up in her life, recently, that I was there for her about, our communication has increased a lot. We've never stopped communicating, even during these few years of her marriage. Something I felt was interesting, if nothing else. It bothers me how mysterious a woman can be. She can be into you, and sometimes you won't know it--for her reasons. My mother would say, "She's trying to reel you in. She's working on you." I hope so.

Did you ever view the movie about King Henry VIII. God, it's excellent.

I'm specifically talking about his relationship with Ann Boleyn, who, for a while, took his mind away from him, almost bumping Wolsey from his seat of power and influence over Henry. Yeah, it can GET like that. Only difference is that I do not have the power, nor would I have the will, to chop someone's head off (I have two male "heirs" to my throne, and two female "heirs." No need for me to chop off heads). Great movie.

Oh, just discovered that I can't post links here until I've been a member for 30 days. Strange rule. Anyway, if you search at YouTube on "Henry VIII 2003" it will come up.

[smackie09]

I think I have seen it on PBS or History channel. I love history, science and all that crap.

[DennisBernard]

I think I have seen it on PBS or History channel. I love history, science and all that crap.

This morning, I did it: I asked her out...sort of. She'd written me a reply to a previous email I'd sent. I replied with no hidden meanings; no hints. It was just a straightforward reply, responding to an issue that she was dealing with concerning her job.

But, at the end, I offered that if she ever felt the need for my company, for whatever reason, that I would be honored and very happy. Soooo, I didn't exactly ask her out. I just left it up to her.

Sigh. I just let out a big sigh, and I don't know if it was because of nervousness, relief, continued frustration, or what. I actually expect nothing. That's probably not good, though. As the old saying goes, You get what you expect. So, I suppose that if I expect nothing, I'll get nothing.

I'd be pretty nervous about it anyway--she's so much younger than me. Yet, I'm in awe of her.

History and science, hey?! I went to college back in the '70s, studying engineering: Thermodynamics, Fluid dynamics, Statics and Dynamics, Strengthen of Materials, high-level physics, chemistry, Calculus, Elementary Differential Equations. And I don't remember ANY of that $hit!! LOL!!

Unfortunately, I was married at the time and had a BRUTAL break-up, and it knocked the wind out of me, so I could never get back to finish. Speaking of history, when I was in high school, history was AGONIZINGLY boring. Today, if I had time, history would probably be all that I did. It's fascinating. I'm retired, so I could do whatever, but I've settled with certain hobbies [can't say them, lest I give myself away to people that might recognize this INSANITY I have over this young woman, and my current personal interests, and figure out who I am. Hmmmmm. Another part of me, if I let it out, REALLY doesn't GIVE a damn].

Physics is The Mind of God, someone once said.

[smackie09]

Yes history was boring...Canadian history! School was horribly boring. No I enjoyed my history and science from watching TV. Carl Segan was my hero lol.

[DennisBernard]

I got into international politics, pretty deeply in 2011. I became fascinated by Dr. Webster Tarpley's World Crises Radio talks on Saturday mornings (Google: World Crises Radio). He's an economist and a deep historian, with knowledge of the myriad of details of certain periods of history, all over the globe. He has the ability to look at what's happening today, and then compare it, in detail, to earlier periods in human history--even ancient--to show parallels, thus giving you a deeper understanding of the nature of the political mind in general, rather than what appears to be a current, isolated event. That kind of knowledge of history lends a TON of weight to his analysis of current events. I don't think there's anyone around like Tarpley.

By the way, I can't mention this in the open (Maybe I can, but...), but something happened weeks ago concerning the woman I told you about. And it wasn't good. I spent all day, with her, trying very hard to talk her out of something. I have slept very little the last few weeks, worried. It seems that she has snapped out of it, and is on the mend.

She needs to get out of that relationship--in my opinion. When things get that bad, I've always read, it's time to remove oneself. I guess it's none of my business. But she's been fairly open with me, and contacted me weeks ago, and her mindset then flipped me out and I was "with" her all day, back and forth.

If I were not old[ER[, I might view what happened as a clear signal from her. But, I have to take it for what it seemed on the surface, unless she tells me more than what she has told me thus far. I just hope that she stays on the mend, and finally decides to start her life again.