I think I have gotten myself up on to a ledge, and I need help getting down. I think.

[warriormaiden]

Hello all,


I have been seeing someone that I met off of Tinder for about a month now. I really like him. Our first and second date was super romantic, and really respectful and sweet. I just got home from my 4th date and I now feel like crying, and ending it all with him.

Reasons being; I feel like this may all be just fun for him. I feel like he's not serious about me, and just says things that he thinks that he wants me to hear. I always live by the motto, Take a Man by his actions, and not by His words. Because men lie. They lie a lot.

As you can tell, I am a bit bitter and wounded and insecure. Reasons being, I have been through a TON of shit with men. You name it, it has happened. I can write a book series on all of the bad dates I have had. I have had every type of boyfriend that you can think of. I have been raped and sexually assaulted on two separate dates by two different men..........I feel like I will never meet a man who will ever see me as more than just a face and a personality. I have a lot of confidence issues concerning this. And so when I meet a man, I'm usually on the defense looking for ANYTHING that will alert me to a hidden agenda.

So I meet Colin, and I just....feel....super....insecure. He tells me from the gate that he wants to pursue something serious with me, that like myself, he's too old for the dating, he wants a Long Term Relationship, and I seem to be a keeper. Great. Awesome. We are on the same page.

But like I said before, I am CONSTANTLY on the look out for questionable behavior. And it doesn't help that I have noticed some.....suspicious actions/details. Such as,
1. He has stopped calling me pet names. I'm usually calling him a pet name now. He only calls me one if he thinks I'm sad or upset.
2. Outside of sexual situations, he does not touch me anymore. Second date, he insisted on buckling my seatbelt just to give me a kiss. We're only 4 dates in, about to be 5, why is he not holding my hand while we walk, or kiss me just because?

3. He low key called me Fat the other day. I showed him some pics of me when I was younger, and he asked me if this was during my belly dancing days, and I answered Yes. And he said, "maybe you should get back in to it since you love to dance so much! And I'm guessing it could really help you with losing weight as well." I'm not a House, but I could lose 30 or 40 pounds. We've only spoken about our weight once and I told him that I could lose a little weight, but I wasn't too concerned about it at this point in my life. If I'm too fat to run up a flight stairs, then I'll lose weight. Until then....

4. He still has a picture up of his ex Fiance. In his garage. Which is like his baby, because he's a car buff and he loves working on his cars. It's hanging up on the wall next to his other car stuff that he wants to show off. There's a forbidden room that I can't go in to because she hasn't come back for the rest of her stuff, and that room is filled with her shit. There's bobbypins in the bathroom, styling hair cream on the entertainment stand, the obituaries of her dead family members on the fridge, as well as a calendar which is still on her birthday month. How do I know it's her birthday month? Because there's a date that is circled with her name on it and says "Hannah's Birthday" And there's a heart on it and a smiley face.
They have been broken up for 6-8 months now.
Everywhere in that house SCREAMS of her presence.

Tonight, he asked me to come over and cook dinner and make dessert and we can snuggle on the couch and watch Netflix. Awesome.
Cool.
I make us dinner, chicken friend steak, garlic mashed potatoes with mozzarella, steamed carrots. Brownies for dessert. I'm laying next to him, annnnnd, I feel his hands beginning to stray.....
So I sleep with him.
It's almost immediately after, and I'm jokingly saying (but not really) 'You just wanted me over to sleep with me!"
And he smiles and says, "Actually, no. I just really wanted you to cook for me. And if sex happened, I wasn't going to turn it down." Which....he started it...so that wasn't 'just letting it happen.'

I have a problem with sex, obviously. I'm very good at it, and I enjoy it, but I almost instantly feel guilty afterwards. I try not to put myself in to situations that will get me in to sleeping with strange guys, because I know once alone with one, there's a 70% chance I may sleep with him. And since a lot of my emotions are tied to sex, I try and stay away. I have confessed this to him. He said he understood. I do feel like one time he did kind of take advantage of my weakness, by kinda low key pressuring me to come to his place. But whatever, I had sex with him, and thats my fault.

Anyway.

I kept thinking about what he had said as he was driving me home tonight, and I was really quiet. He asked me what was wrong, and I just said I was sleepy.
I came home, got in the shower, and just I feel......a little used. I feel like I should just dump him so he won't have the chance to hurt me.

I also feel like I'm just over thinking things, pushing things, allowing my insecurities to over come me, and I'm just jumping the gun. I feel like I am just confusing him, because I'm telling him about how I feel about the sex thing, but 30 minutes later I'm spraying whipped cream on to his chest? WTF is that?

Either way, I am sitting here typing this all out at 1 in the morning, trying to hold back tears and completely hating myself. I feel so gross.

What should I do? Am I just being neurotic and obsessive or are these actually real alarm bells and I should listen to them?

I just want to....love someone and have them love me back.

[lovebroken]

Hi, warriormaiden.
On number 4 in your list that is a big red flag to where his heart actually lays, it is his ex and an ex finace too and he should no longer have any of her pics up at all, maybe hidden in a box tucked back in a closet, fine but up hanging in a place of honor, NO! red flag. When did they break up? Is he also dating other women too? Whose bobbypins? Recent bc left out?

Are you sure ex desn't live with him still? Next time over check forbidden room, o.k.

Pet names are said off and on so that isn't a big worry, same as couples don't always say love you all the time.

The low key fat comment was not needed, shows he isn't concerned about your feelings.

I would just think on all the red flag moments and lay low and let him come to you, and plan and outting time together and make YOU feel special to him, you went over and cooked for him, so you did somethign special for him, and he made you feel bad after, so he needs to step up and if he can't maybe that is it for him, if he isn't invested why should you be?

[TheEvilJester]

Honestly, I think based on everything you shared it is really too hard to tell. The things you shared aren't so glaringly obviously bad signs, but they aren't great either. For #'s 1 & 2, it could just be he's not a super-affectionate type of guy. Some people are just like that. Hell, in general (obviously not all guys, but speaking generally) guys tend to be less lovey dovey and openly affectionate. So, those things could really just be a sign of him sort of settling into being comfortable with the relationship.

I mean, honestly, I understand your concern given it has only been 4 dates so far. That is still pretty early when you'd usually be in that whole "honey moon phase." So, I definitely understand your concern, and would feel the same way myself. But.... again.... maybe that's just how he is. Maybe it is not an indication at all that he's less interested than he pretends. Really, only time would tell you that.

Number 3 , I have to admit I'm not happy with his comment. I don't see how he could have thought that was okay to say. But, it also wasn't blatant enough that I'm convinced he was being deliberately hurtful. Truth be told, men can be boneheads. Sure, that MAY have been him being blatantly subtly negative. But, it may have just actually been him cluelessly, moronically thinking he was being helpful. Us men can be id-jits sometimes.

Number 4 does give me some pause. I'm kind of agreeing with lovebroken. It's one thing to have a few things from an ex still around because you maybe just haven't gotten around to getting rid of them. But, it almost sounds like he basically has a shrine to her. I don't know, maybe it is just me, but when somebody becomes my ex I prefer not to have any reminders of them. For me, it's not even because seeing those things may cause pain or anything like that... it's more because they are now part of my past and deserve no part in my present. So, at the very least he should have probably boxed all that crap up. But... again... some people just don't think of it that way. Maybe they are so finished in his mind that he hasn't even bothered thinking about her stuff enough to think of putting it away. Again, we're not mind readers any more than you.

I definitely don't think we have enough evidence to fall definitively on either side of the argument right now. So, I think I'd sort of agree with lovebroken's conclusion. Don't jump to any conclusions yet. Just give him time and see how things go. Maybe step back a little (as in don't make the effort yourself to set plans or be affectionate) and see if he picks up the slack in your stead.

Because what you absolutely should NOT do is allow your trust to be so hindered that you refuse to trust anybody. That you become so paranoid about possible signs that somebody is just using you that you start to invent signs in your own mind and start dumping guys before they can hurt you when maybe they were never going to in the first place.

I 100% CANNOT blame you for that. What you've been through sucks and is not fair. I am so sorry you've been through that. But, those reprehensible pieces of crap who have hurt you in the past do not deserve the power to hurt you in the present or future. And, truth is, they are right now. Because they've hurt you enough to hinder your ability to trust anybody else. There are a lot of bad people in this world, but there are a lot of good ones too. Please don't give up on your chance to find love because you are too convinced that there are only bad guys out there.

And, honestly, if you feel you may need help please do not hesitate to seek out professional help. That is NOT a sign of weakness. What you've been through... anybody would need help getting over that. You deserve a chance to find somebody great. Maybe that IS this guy, maybe it isn't. It isn't an easy balance to find, but you do need to find a way to have that healthy balance between not letting yourself be used again... but at the same time not refusing to give anybody a chance at all. Don't become so paranoid about being used that you don't even give anybody a chance to prove they aren't using you.

Best of luck to you. You are strong. Believe that. Believe in yourself. You CAN get through your past. You CAN find yourself a good guy who wouldn't DARE use you. Who will appreciate you the way you deserve. But, most importantly, you should learn to appreciate you!

[warriormaiden]

Thanks you guys, for answering. I really do appreciate it.

Lovebroken - I actually accidentally went in to the 'Forbidden room' (I was trying to find the bathroom) and I caught a glimpse of what looked like a bed with a bunch of stuff on it. Could have been clothes in bags or piles of clothes. I'm not sure, because it was in the middle of the night and it was dark. But it did give me the impression that that room hadn't been messed with in awhile. I did have a conversation with him about her and if she was coming back. (My grandmother oddly and very randomly approached me one day and told me to stop seeing the young man that I had been seeing. His heart lays with another woman from his past. They were meant for one another, and they just needed time to figure themselves out. I was meddling with what was Supposed to Be, and I needed to get out of the situation. It was so weird, because I barely had told her any information about Colin. Just that I met someone and that we had been going out.) I told him about this, and he said, No, it's definitely over, and if they were just on a break, why would he bring me to his house knowing that she could pop over at any time? I conceded that that did make sense.

He told me that they broke up 6-8 months ago. The bobbypin was in the trashcan in the bathroom. He also said that he likes to focus on one woman at a time, so he said that he's not even talking to anyone else. Tinder is still up, though.



Evil Jester - Thank you so much for your kind words. They really mean a lot to me. I'm having a problem with that balance....I'm too open. When I was a teenager I didn't let anyone in, and now that I'm an adult I seem to let everyone in. I'm trying to work on being a better person. I took a year hiatus off from dating and I felt like I had gotten back centered, but........ugh, I don't know where I am now. I saw him again tonight. We were quiet, and it wasn't on purpose. I was a bit too aware of it. When we said goodnight, I gave him a hug and I went in for a kiss, and he gave me his cheek. His hugs are weak, like we're friends saying goodbye. Like you said, this is the Honeymoon Phase. We should be all over each other. I don't know whats happening. I saw that picture of Hannah again and I wanted to cry.

About the fat thing, I will say that I think he was just being an idjit and not mindful of what he was doing. Because the next day, he seemed to be worried that I had gotten upset over that comment, because I didn't respond. I think it may have been a mistake, but....I couldn't help but feel, 'is he thinking I need to lose weight?'

I have decided to talk to him.

[lovebroken]

Hi, warrior maiden,

That is good on the forbidden room, sounds like it is basically just the exes storage closet not a room being in use by her. But, why is he even storing her stuff, that should have gone with her or to her parents? Do you know why they broke up? Was it on his part or hers, anything to explain why he is still pining after her keeping her photos up?

That is strange your grandmother told you that, maybe she has a sixth sense and visions? But sounds like she knew without ever meeting him what his deal was.

But maybe she is out of town or travels alot and he knew she would be out of town during times you came over and she wouldn't pop in? I think he is sneakily not telling you everything and hiding important facts from you.

Did you have a Tinder too and removed yours? Did you ask him why his Tinder is still up and if he is going on other dates and if you are exclusive?


Let us know how your talk goes. Wishing you luck.

[warriormaiden]

Hi, warrior maiden,

That is good on the forbidden room, sounds like it is basically just the exes storage closet not a room being in use by her. But, why is he even storing her stuff, that should have gone with her or to her parents? Do you know why they broke up? Was it on his part or hers, anything to explain why he is still pining after her keeping her photos up?

That is strange your grandmother told you that, maybe she has a sixth sense and visions? But sounds like she knew without ever meeting him what his deal was.

But maybe she is out of town or travels alot and he knew she would be out of town during times you came over and she wouldn't pop in? I think he is sneakily not telling you everything and hiding important facts from you.

Did you have a Tinder too and removed yours? Did you ask him why his Tinder is still up and if he is going on other dates and if you are exclusive?


Let us know how your talk goes. Wishing you luck.

He said she didn't take all of her stuff with her and he has been waiting for months for her to come get it, but all she seems to have time for nowadays is Church and work. He said he texts her about that and other things, like the title on the car that she has yet to sign over, and she never responds. So he said he's just going to pack all of her stuff up, and take it to her dads.

The reason why they broke up, is because in 2015 she lost both her cousin and sister in a fatal car accident. She took it pretty bad and started finding solace in the church. As she began to grow within her religion, he wasn't too interested in it. So they grew apart until she finally told him that they were 'Unequally Yoked' and left.

No, I have not removed my Tinder. Which is how I know he still has his up. I was going to approach him about deleting our Tinders together on Sunday when I cooked for him, but I felt so used and saddened I just......never did it. It has been a month. Weeks of late night PHONE conversations, long dates, I have spent the night twice over there. He even low keyed asked me to spend the night with him last night, but I didn't have an overnight bag with me so I could get ready for work this morning. But I think he just wanted to have sex. Until he met me, he hadn't had sex in over a year, because his ex was really serious about her religion.

Also, I will say that I did meet his friend. And his friend referred to me as Colin's 'Lady friend.'
Also also also, after our first date, Colin scheduled time off for my birthday which is in two weeks. He got two days off so we could go on a mini roadtrip adventure.

[TheEvilJester]

Thanks you guys, for answering. I really do appreciate it.

Lovebroken - I actually accidentally went in to the 'Forbidden room' (I was trying to find the bathroom) and I caught a glimpse of what looked like a bed with a bunch of stuff on it. Could have been clothes in bags or piles of clothes. I'm not sure, because it was in the middle of the night and it was dark. But it did give me the impression that that room hadn't been messed with in awhile. I did have a conversation with him about her and if she was coming back. (My grandmother oddly and very randomly approached me one day and told me to stop seeing the young man that I had been seeing. His heart lays with another woman from his past. They were meant for one another, and they just needed time to figure themselves out. I was meddling with what was Supposed to Be, and I needed to get out of the situation. It was so weird, because I barely had told her any information about Colin. Just that I met someone and that we had been going out.) I told him about this, and he said, No, it's definitely over, and if they were just on a break, why would he bring me to his house knowing that she could pop over at any time? I conceded that that did make sense.

He told me that they broke up 6-8 months ago. The bobbypin was in the trashcan in the bathroom. He also said that he likes to focus on one woman at a time, so he said that he's not even talking to anyone else. Tinder is still up, though.



Evil Jester - Thank you so much for your kind words. They really mean a lot to me. I'm having a problem with that balance....I'm too open. When I was a teenager I didn't let anyone in, and now that I'm an adult I seem to let everyone in. I'm trying to work on being a better person. I took a year hiatus off from dating and I felt like I had gotten back centered, but........ugh, I don't know where I am now. I saw him again tonight. We were quiet, and it wasn't on purpose. I was a bit too aware of it. When we said goodnight, I gave him a hug and I went in for a kiss, and he gave me his cheek. His hugs are weak, like we're friends saying goodbye. Like you said, this is the Honeymoon Phase. We should be all over each other. I don't know whats happening. I saw that picture of Hannah again and I wanted to cry.

About the fat thing, I will say that I think he was just being an idjit and not mindful of what he was doing. Because the next day, he seemed to be worried that I had gotten upset over that comment, because I didn't respond. I think it may have been a mistake, but....I couldn't help but feel, 'is he thinking I need to lose weight?'

I have decided to talk to him.

You will get there. Believe me, I know how you feel. I feel like I've spent my whole life teetering back and forth between letting people in too easily (and somehow that always seems to result in letting the WRONG people in) and not letting anybody in at all. It may, unfortunately, be a life-long struggle. So far it has been for me. But, we CAN find that happy balance. We CAN learn to keep it more often than it tips one way or the other. Takes time, takes practice, but we can get there.

Anyway, again it could partially just be that he's not the super-affectionate type. Or he may even just be a little bit extra-guarded after his last relationship having failed. As much as it is still early in your relationship to where you would normally figure he should be super into it... it is still somewhat early. So, maybe he is partially on guard and trying not to fall for anybody too hard too fast. I could understand that. Whether or not that is the case, though, he would need to eventually let that guard down if ever he expects to have a deeper relationship with you. So, hopefully given some time you'd see that he will become more affectionate, but more into the relationship. Just don't waste too much time. Again, not like there is some magical time frame for that. It is just whatever works for you.

All of the issues you've shared do sound like reasonable causes for concern, so I don't think you are over-reacting per se... but they also sound like issues where he either has reasonably believable excuses (like the stuff he still has from his ex) or that could have reasonable explanations even if he doesn't come right out and share them (like I suggested about him possibly being less affectionate then you may like and how that could maybe have perfectly innocent reasons).

I wish I could give you more specific advice, but I just don't think there is enough evidence to fall definitely on one side of thinking or the other. So, I still revert to my original thoughts. Just give it some time, see how things go. Don't try to force anything, but don't feel you have to force yourself to hold back too much either. If he doesn't seem invested enough for your liking, that will probably seem more and more obvious over time. That could be the time to talk about it and/or decide you are better off looking for somebody else. But, if you give it some time maybe things will progress and you will no longer have reason to worry.

I hope it turns out you truly have no reason to worry... but more importantly even than that, I hope you find the strength and love within yourself to do what is best for you, even if it has to wind up being the harder thing initially. Best of luck!

[Hooo!]

You have your doubts and issues

Just like a lot of us all

However you need clarification and judgement on and from him
Not from us about him

You must learn to discuss such things with him - in a way he can deal with it.
Take the time you both need.

And over the whole time of you two being together talk about your relationship. Your needs your fears
It’s annoying and strenuous for sure

But it’s a way to WATCH for his response
(Not his words)

Sometimes you get hurt and sometimes you fear something might be going wrong

If you both discuss it and both want it To change it probably will or you will make it happen.

If not then walk away.



And if you don’t want to sleep with him don’t. If you do want then do.
Take a conscious decision. And then if the thoughts come afterwards you can just tell yourself „that was my decision“
That should stop the nagging

[warriormaiden]

Thanks guys for your advice. It really helped me put things in to prospective.

I had a talk with him on how our relationship is going so far, and he was all....Everything is going good so far. The kiss thing, he said he didn't want to get me sick because he has been having stomach issues. All of his excuses sound reasonable. I'm just not getting that close feeling from him. And he hasn't texted me today. So, I think that's it, folks. But thanks so much for your time in responding. You guys are super awesome.

[lovebroken]

Why do you think its over, when you seemed to believe his reasons? Did you even know he was sick at the time? on why no kissing you. If he wants thsi relationship HE will step up, if he is on the fence he will do as he has been and that would not be enough for you. Sorry if it is the end.