Ever just wonder, what if?...

[CleanCut]

Hey folks,

I don't post much on this site anymore but, as the title states, have you ever just sat back and truly wondered; what if? Well, I've been out of work for a few months with very little human contact and have had lots of time for deep thinking. I don't expect much to come from this posting, mainly since this is mostly just talk of the past and that I'm a little on the intoxicated side at the moment as well, but I just need to speak something that's been on my mind as of late and more than usual.

I'm starting to think I may have made a critical mistake in my younger years that may be irreparable at this point. All throughout my school days, I had a very strong attraction to a girl that I know had mutual feelings, even over heard her say it a couple times, but I purposely never acted on it on fought the very strong instinctual urge to do so for more than 6 years. The reason I didn't act on it is because I knew that if I did I would have married that girl and been stuck in my home town/state where I definitely did not want to be.

Thing is that now that I am ready to find a girl to settle down with and have never felt as strong of an attraction to anyone yet as I did with that girl, I'm not sure that I made the right decision. I mean, I do really love the state I live in now, but have reached a level of loneliness that I didn't even know existed and I can't even date right now due to my low income at the moment while looking for work; not to mention that my hair isn't fully back yet after my radiation treatment for my brain cancer last year.

Regardless of all that, I spent a full 3 years of very focused dating and was unable to find a decent girl that wanted to continue a relationship with me; beyond around 3 months that is. Anyways, point is, despite truly giving my all in those attempted relationships and having a very good time with them; I still have never found anyone that I had such a strong mutual attraction with as I had with that girl back in school.

So, I can't help but wonder what would have happened if I would have decided to pursue that girl back in school. I really think that if I would have done so that I would have ended up being stuck in the state I was raised in, but wonder whether or not if I would have been happier or not. I mean she is still stuck in that little hick town and is now single mother and ironically takes her daughter to my parent's daycare center.

I guess I don't really know what I'm trying to say here and this post may just be a result of an extreme lack of human interaction lately, but a part of me thinks that I lost the one chance I ever had at obtaining love.
I guess all I can really do is wait until I get a new job and my hair grows back and then start dating again, but I feel all I'm ever doing is just waiting around for something that never comes.

I'm also thinking there's a possibility that, despite loving the area I live in now and have for over 10 years, that maybe I don't belong here. I mean I just don't feel like I have a real connection with anyone I have dated here as no one seems to have any "real heart" here. I not like the people I grew up with back in the Midwest.

At this point I really just don't know what to do. Part of me wants to move back to the more friendly area that I originated from, but I know I wouldn't be happy there as I hate the weather and remoteness of the region I came from, but I just can't shake the calling that is pulling me back there.

Not really sure what decision to make next, but feel free to provide any feedback to my ramblings here if you wish as I don't even see other humans on a daily basis anymore at this point and appreciate any interaction, lol.

[pcmaster]

Well man you was thinking too far ahead. Marriage and kids, settling in one town - it most likely would not go so far. Just like in dating you never know - it can end every moment.

Anyway, man, its normal as you mature that you longing for home - place where you came from. Did people had a real heart there? Maybe. But maybe you was just younger and connected better with people, saw things differently.

However I encourage you to go to Astro. Com website and check free horoskopes - astro click travel. You can see there exactly how certain places affect you. Its mostly for traveling to other countries but even in big California on diferent ends one can be affected differently by the planets.

[CleanCut]

Well man you was thinking too far ahead. Marriage and kids, settling in one town - it most likely would not go so far. Just like in dating you never know - it can end every moment.

Anyway, man, its normal as you mature that you longing for home - place where you came from. Did people had a real heart there? Maybe. But maybe you was just younger and connected better with people, saw things differently.

However I encourage you to go to Astro. Com website and check free horoskopes - astro click travel. You can see there exactly how certain places affect you. Its mostly for traveling to other countries but even in big California on diferent ends one can be affected differently by the planets.

I suppose it could be an age/perspective thing, but not sure. Guess maybe I'll never know for sure. Anyways, thanks for the response.

[TheEvilJester]

Sure, I do think what if sometimes, though I do my best never to dwell in it too much. I'm not big on regret. I mean, obviously other than when you've done something wrong to somebody. You obviously should regret that, but you shouldn't dwell in that regret but instead learn and grow from it. But, as it relates to the sort of regret we are talking about here, I've never been big on it. Why? Honestly... it is too destructive and with little to no point.

Like your example. What good does it really do you to ponder back to this girl you maybe should have asked out and wonder what could have been? That is in the past now. Who knows what would have happened? Maybe you two would have eventually broken up anyway. Maybe you'd have dated her only to learn that she was nothing like you thought she was and she'd turn out just to be a toxic influence in your life. You never know.

But one thing is for sure... you did NOT blow your one chance. I am a big romantic and believe in true love (maybe not for me, but I believe it exists for others). At the same time, though, I don't believe there is only one right person out there for everybody. It sounds contradictory, I know... but I think there are many people who could be each person's "the one." Despite it's name, there is not just one person.

MAYBE she could have been "the one" for you had you tried. Who knows? Maybe it would have turned out she wouldn't have been anyway? But, even if she COULD have been, that doesn't mean nobody else could. There is somebody out there for you if you wish to find her. It's not an easy experience, that's for sure. Hell, I'm kind of right there with you myself. I hadn't really had much luck in a long time, such to the point that lately I've just found more happiness in accepting love isn't meant for me.....

But I'll be the first to acknowledge I shouldn't do that to myself. I SHOULD keep putting myself out there, looking for a good woman to share my life. And by the same token, so should you. Believe me. I know it isn't easy, but the end result is worth it if you find somebody special. But, in the meantime, are there things you can do just for you? Things that bring you happiness that don't involve the pursuit of love? Hobbies, activities, that kind of thing. I can tell you, that has helped me A LOT.

That is probably more important than keeping the hope of love in your heart. Learning to love yourself. Learning to find happiness within yourself. Getting to a point of not NEEDING love, of being okay even if you have not yet found it.... but still wanting it anyway. If you can find that peace of mind within yourself, it really softens the blow of not yet having that somebody special. It can even make it easier to ultimately find that someone special because there is no longer a level of desperation that is there when it feels crucial to your happiness.

I don't mean to pretend that any of this is easy. Hell, I of all people know how hard it is. But, don't you deserve to be happy? As far as whether or not you should move back to your home town... that I think you'd really have to answer. If it wouldn't make you happy, then maybe you shouldn't. Why go back if it would only make you more miserable? Heck, if you don't like your current area you could try moving somewhere ELSE. On the other hand, if you do think moving back to your home town could possibly help you feel happier than maybe it is at least worth a try. You seemed to say you wouldn't be happy going back, so I kind of lean towards thinking you shouldn't, but only you would really know.

Best of luck to you. I am glad to see you back here. I remember your posts from before. I'm very sorry to hear things in this regard have not yet improved for you. I hope they do very soon.

[CleanCut]

Yeah, good point. It could have been better, could have been worse; I'll never know, but not worth dwelling on it.

I do have to say that the few relationships I have been in out here, that I felt very happy. Much, much happier than being alone, so I do really feel if I could just find one decent girl that would just stay around for more than a few months, that I could possibly be happy; just don't know why it is so hard to find that these days.

Guess all I can do is wait some more until I have a job and all my hair again and then try yet again as I definitely don't have any shred of a chance of finding a keeper without either one of those things.

Nice seeing you and PC on here again, always helpful folks on here. Good luck to you guys as well.

Thanks

[GLYC]

"What ifs" are a waste of time in all honesty.
You can't change the past, but do learn from it. That's all I gotta say.
I realize this is a vent post on your behalf though.

In fact, if you're always looking backwards, you'll never love forwards.
So, I try not to. It's difficult at times, I agree, but it's all about being objective.

[Hooo!]

What do you want?
What exactly is keeping you from reaching out to that girl from the past?

[CleanCut]

What do you want?
What exactly is keeping you from reaching out to that girl from the past?

Simple, all I want is a decent relationship with a good woman; it just isn't easy to find these days.

I have no want to reach out to that girl now as she already has a kid and also lives over 500 miles away from me.

I need and deserve a good fresh start with a decent similar girl in my area with no kids that actually wants a solid relationship with a good guy like me, but I have been looking for years now and haven't found it yet.

Just have to keep trying I guess, but the search sure is getting very, so very daunting...

[pcmaster]

Yeah man not easy to date without a job. Job helps a lot with confidence and feeling useful.

Anyway live is short man. You are not in your teens or early 20's so theres no much time to waste for you.
I always find girls who like me even at lowest points of my life. Sure not always highest quality girls but still. Think problem is that you are aiming too high. Sure you have to be atracted but you are really struggling to progress with girls you chose. I think it have to be easy, otherwise something is not right, either you or girl.

I hope you are doing nofap now while single cause it can really help with motivation and getting more attention from girls.

[CleanCut]

Believe me, few people realize how little time they have left than myself. As you know, unless a cure for brain cancer is found within a decade or so, I'll be gone by around 2030 if my doctors are correct that is.

But, yes, I can't spend money on dating right now and it does indeed affect my confidence a lot by not having a job, not to mention half of my hair being gone too.

Good news is though that my hair has done a lot of regrowing and looks as though it will be mostly all back within a few months, which would be great; especially since my radiologist didn't expect it to come back at all.

I'm still keeping hopes up as much as I can, but it is certainly not easy considering my bad life luck streak over the last year or so. I'm just specifically concentrating on finding a job right now and trying to keep my head above water financially. I haven't dated for quite some time now, but might be able to get back out there towards the end of summer or so hopefully.

[pcmaster]

Theres a lot of stuff that helps hair grow back. For example washing with salt.

Great that meds work and you will live so long. Not long for average person but as one pirate said before hanging - I rather live short but merely life.

Also soul is undying. So this is just your body carrying this soul on this lifetime. Living forever would stop evolution of soul. And if you are religious you embrace and expect death as next big adventure. Even if you cant change situation you can change the way you look at it. Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.

Its great that you are looking for job. I wish I was in your place but kinda stuck in one place despite slowly progressing in career.

If I was in your place I would try a lot of new exiting jobs and stick around only for few months, then go try next job that interests me. Like I was doing in my younger days.

Sure you want be better finacially but there is two ways how to get rich. One is aquiring a lot other is desiring a little.

[CleanCut]

You sure are one philosophical dude PC

Not sure about all of that and my hair is the least of my concern right now, but really my only choice is to just keep on keeping on. Fortunately, one thing I do have that I'm very fortunate to have is a good family that has been helping me out quite a bit through this whole medical nightmare. If it weren't for them, I would honestly probably living in some alley somewhere dying off in a much more quick and unpleasant manner.

These medical bills are very harsh on a person living on his own in this unforgiving world, fortunately at the time of the surgery last year, I had good health insurance since the actual surgery itself cost over $100,000 and that was covered, but still have had thousands in deductibles and medication costs to pay; and now that I was unjustly terminated from my job a few months back, I had to switch my insurance to an individual plan which is much more expensive for the same coverage and it of course reset the fricken deductibles once again, so it is a constant financial war unfortunately.

So, I'm just living on my unemployment at the moment and finding work in my field and area is not happening nearly as fast as I thought it would. Things are just not good right now for me and I simply have no spare money for dating or entertainment right now, so just stuck waiting here in solitude until I can get a job again; not fun, but what can you do?

[Hooo!]

Well if you were a decent girl, would you want to be with yourself?

[CleanCut]

Well if you were a decent girl, would you want to be with yourself?

Odd sounding question, but yes; I'm a very decent guy that deserves the same in a woman and would make an excellent and very dedicated long term BF to a deserving girl.

[Hooo!]

Then you have something regarding a behaviour not down

There is something you do that puts women of
It may also be attitude
Or the fact that you medically just can’t give a long term outlook