Advice?

[unluckygal]

Hi. (I'm gonna give some background first of all because I think that might help also I may be waffling a little bit so I'm apologising beforehand).

I am at University and have just been in a general pattern of rejection by people I like. It's literally getting to the point where I feel so unconfident about myself and, especially recently, I had an...'encounter' with a guy I very briefly spoke to and got with last year and I genuinely can't stop thinking about him. (Even though, when he was with me and things were getting intimate, we stopped and he told me that he still had feelings for his ex.) He hasn't spoken to me since and probably has got back with his ex.
(Again not sure if this is relevant but there is like a 5 year age gap, him being older.)

I've spoken to people about the situations, I find myself in time and time again, with them all suggesting 'I go for the wrong guys, etc, etc.'

And I agree. But, it's just generally happened so many times that I am convinced there is something wrong with how I look (not exactly a size 8 with mad curves - more just like, curves most places). I just need advice on:

1) How I can stop this cycle lol
2) How to get over this GUY (literally cannot stop thinking about him)
3) Getting my confidence back

Also, I haven't stopped chatting to my bestie about how I'm feeling and I feel like she's beginning to get so sick of me. I haven't seen her at all recently (and I live with her), what do I do about this? She might be having relationship problems to ngl but isn't as open as me
I kinda see how this sounds lowkey petty/childish, but thought this forum would be great for my spewing thoughts lol

[TheEvilJester]

(NOTE: Sorry this response got so long, but I can really relate to how you feel. Your story really hit home with me, so to speak.)

I would agree with amitkr completely. I know it maybe sounds kind of crazy and maybe doesn't sound like what you want... but I can say from experience it really is what is best. I've been a romantic for basically my whole life. For a LONG time, it felt like a large part of the reason I was put on this earth was to find love. Like, not like ti was the one and only important thing in my life, but that it was a huge part of my reason for being....

Yet, I have forever felt completely hopeless in that regard. You wanna talk about a "hopeless romantic?" I could basically be the picture that comes up when you google that phrase. LOL! And it was VERY hard to set that part of me aside for a while. A large part of me didn't want to and didn't think it could help anyway. The biggest problem with that is it is largely in part how I wound up with the VERY wrong person, and it took me WAY too long to realize how wrong she was for me. How bad she was for me. How bad she was TO me.

Finally freeing myself of that situation was the start... but I was still very much the hopeless romantic. ....And yet could never find love. Could never find happiness. It wasn't even until recently that I finally decided to seek happiness instead within myself. And I did do that in part by setting love aside for the time being and finding things that made me happy. For me, the most life-changing thing was cosplay (I'm a HUGE nerd, LOL!), but for you it could be anything. Just something that brings you happiness, makes you happy just being you.

The ultimate end goal is to reach a point where you don't NEED love. Where you can be happy even without it... but you still want it anyway. You don't close yourself off to it. You CAN get there. I won't lie and say it is easy. I'm still a work in progress myself. These days, I no longer NEED love the way I used to... which is GREAT. But, the problem is I've settled into accepting that I'll never have it. Which, I'll be the first to admit is NOT good. I shouldn't just assume it is over for me. I shouldn't just assume love is not meant for me. Maybe I'll get there some day, but for now I've accepted that as my fate.

BUT.... through my recent journeys I am now happier than I have ever been in my life. Some days are better than others. There are still some tough times here and there. But, I have found a happiness and acceptance in myself I never really thought possible. I lived basically my whole life with no self-esteem to speak of at all. Sadly, I've only fairly recently actually started to even learn what the word means. LOL! But, hell... better late than never.

Anyway, sorry my response is so long but I just really feel for you. I know how you feel because I've been there myself. What is wrong with you? I'd venture to guess probably nothing. Nothing other than the fact that you somehow attract the wrong people. Don't get me wrong. EVERYBODY could do with a little self-reflection and self-improvement now and then. So there is absolutely no harm in exploring what things you maybe could do better in life that might help you attract the right people instead. Nobody is perfect.

But don't let bad people shape your opinion of yourself. It took me WAY too long in life to finally realize that. Please don't make my same mistakes. I would absolutely agree that the first step is learning to better love you, to better appreciate you. So, I think you may be better off taking some time to do just that. Find what that means for you. The more you grow to appreciate yourself, the easier it will be to realize that anybody would be lucky to be with you. To realize that you deserve better than the type of people who have hurt you in the past. The easier it will become to find the RIGHT guy for you, rather than to just leave yourself open to hurt again. And, again, it won't always be easy. It's not an easy journey... but it is one you deserve to take and come out victorious.

Best of luck to you. You deserve happiness. Please do not forget that. So go out and find it, even if you have to get that happiness ball rolling yourself at first.

[Hooo!]

1) hit the gym
2) acknowledge that it is ok to think about him - but is pretty useless because nothing will ever happen again
If you are not sure on the later then go find out and get yourself a no.
3) hit the gym