What to do with this girl ? Any chance left ?

[tin]

So I knew this girl for almost 4 years now via FB. Up until the end of March of this year, it had always been sporadic, friendly chats via messenger. Courteous, nice, complimentary without flirting.

This year, starting the end of March, I contacted her again via the same medium, to aks her if it was her that I've read about, by name, in a magazine. You see, we both have a chronic illness called Lyme disease. The longer you have it untreated, the more damage it does to your body, brain and mobility. In wildly varying degrees. So, in her case she's had it since 2013, while I've had it since 1997.

She's a teacher and psychologist (having teached sick children in a hospital and doing music therapy for them as well as acting as a psychologist, her overall knowledge is impressive too, although our knowledge fields don't exactly overlap). I'm a communication scientist. Both of us couldn't work a after a while after our graduation, which in my case was much sooner. I also could only work for a short period of time. She said she had to drag herself to work until she literally collapsed, proving her stubborness and charachter. When I told her subsequently I did the same thing to complete my studies, I don't think she blieved me. Although it was the damn truth. In that regards, as in many others, we're very much alike. The biggest difference is our level of being able to function, brain and body, the mobility, the energy. She's much better by now. Ran into the right doctor soon enough. Not me.

This also means we, and especially me, have a limited energy to go around places and meet people. Some days it's even impossible to get up, for me. While she's been lucky enough to have been diagnosed fairly soon in 2013 or 2014, after falling truly ill in 2013, I had to wait from 1997 until 2014 until I knew what I had, and even then, and now, I don't have an appropriate treatment nor Lyme literate doctor. I'm too advanced, my detox capabilities for a lot of antibiotics are very bad. I missed 21 years of my life, or a big part of it. I did help raise the 2 girls of my sister and my dog, but besides home working, that was it... Like a person in prison.

I all the time for all this time, felt she was out of my league, although I'm considered handsome by most women. I just am not healthy.

Nevertheless, she is SO strikingly beautiful, coupled with brains, guts, independence, deepness, silliness, artictic talent (photography) and is a lover of children and animals, and helping the old and disabled like myself. So we have a lot in common. I'm 12 years older but she falls for older men. And I don't particularly fall for younger women per se, but I have fallen for her. More agonizing is that we haven't even spoken to each other (or video-chatted), let alone met. First, after a few weeks of intense and deeply personal chats with a lot of questions by her which I all seemed to answer comfortably and getting compliments ("I feel so relaxed with you... I really trust you... I really appreciate you; you're handsome, I like your beard because it's manly, you look very very good for your age,"...) from her that just made my heart melt and explode at the same time (it's been an eternity since I have felt like this over a woman or a girl, despite the distance and non-direct communication.

But every time I started to try to get closer, she pulled away for a day, 2-3 days max., then returned all steamed up again. Shared pictures, video's with her, at her request coming from me, because I'm rather shy and NOT a selfie kind-of-guy. I, despite my illness, exceeded my own perceived limitations, and just went for it. Made her poems, sought out the most gripping stickers, being as honest and loyal as possible, always available (problem right there ?). I just didn't want to MESS UP. I felt that this was the one and that somehow, although I never believed in it, destiny brought us together at this moment in time.

But she frustrated me also with endless talks and questions about the actions and mind-set of her last boyfriend, still very much on her mind (he dumped her) although she always cliamed she had moved on and was over him. Really turned me inside out for answers to her questions about her ex. Who is a sex-addict, presumably, who only visited her every couple of weeks, then got his dose of sex, up until 3/day, "changed" briefly for her, than (after her complaining) ran away again to friends, (lovers?), his parents... Every time she tried her best to get him to stick and walk the line as a "loyal team" but he just didn't give a damn. Apparently. He didn't clean up her things, didn't help, didn't bring her to the hospital, didn't want to be seen with her on social media, didn't want to meet her family. Just his work, his freakin' videogames, his high-libido sex with her and going out and getting his kicks with friends. Friends that he didn't want her to meet.

Meanwhile she somehow found the way 2013-2018 to become National Chairman for a Lyme disease organization, organized meetings, successfully met up with politicians, private donors, laid contacts far and wide, got herself treated somehow (which is very tricky with later stage Lyme disease, have a own house with car (driver's licencse gotten before she got ill), yard, 2 dogs, friends... Contacts with scientitsts and doctors all around the world. I really don't know how she did it. She's an enigma. Very driven, and driven to independence ?

She suggested me meet up early on the "chat relationship", with our combined dogs, but since I'm still too ill to drive, I honestly held it off. With a lot of pain in my heart, unspeakable. She can and does regulary make road trips, but this country isn't that big, so... I think the most she did the last years was 3 hours back and forth. But she functions on a much more high energy level than myself.

In other words, there seems physical and mental attraction, but my condition held off a meeting. I then EVEN held off her proposal to meet me in my own home! Just because of fear of rejection, because of my bad physical mobility. She even suggested she'd adapt, lie next to me in bed, watch a movie together, just sit with me, talk... My heart exploded. But I still objected with reasons and arguments but could tell she was hurt (understandably). I then changed my mind 360 degrees the following sleepless night, and proposed she not only visit me whenever SHE pleased but laid out the whole plan to visit me, like exact location, which times etc... I know... Remember, I'm exhausted all the time, and decision-making is very much hindered by this lack of energy and illness feeling all the time, and pains. Everything's a struggle for me. For me the contacts with her consumed up 100% of the little energy I had left, for her it was only a part of her otherwise relatively busy day.

So I was always waiting for a new message from her. And my impatience led to several premature and too long texts from me in her absence.

STILL, to my everlasting surprise and my undecisiveness, she kept returning my messages, and was from one mood to the next. Then, questioning me about my relationships and previous life, interwined or apart (I always tried to led her attention to me...) from her many questions about her ex, her recounting of her own life, including many intimate details about her loneliness, love life, experiences with foul men... I felt like a psychologist, talking pole, flirt partner, friend and distant neighbour sometimes all in one hours-long session, which she usually cut off abruptly by her, and I never overstayed my welcome then. But I felt bad and kinda used often.

More so because she never agreed to a phone call or video chat (whatsapp or FB messenger) from me, after her initial proposals for a visit from her, in the beginning. BUT, she kept making contact, check in on me, or replying to my checking in on her. By this time, after 1+1/12 month of almost daily wind-ups I was getting exhausted while still trying mightily NOT to lose her. Knowing full well, and even explaining my limitations in energy. She EVEN drew my into two addition all-night sex flirts which drove me insance. Nothing graphic, but filled with double entendres, naughty talk, suggestions, tests etc. Drove me insane... The day after "don't get any expectations plz, but I do want to be your buddy and listener". Djeeeezzz....

- - - Updated - - -

She then more and more started to test me, ask me stuff as if to know whether I am even capable to take care of myself the way she sees that. So I tried to save face by pretending to be better than I am or feel, or more in control than I am. ANYTHING to not put her OFF. Her reactions were understanding, mixed with a creeping annoyance and less and less tolerance for my arguments (sometimes downright dissing them) and criticism. More and more she was playing a sort of psychologist who was giving me "tools" to get my life in order, a distant teacher instead of THE ONE I imagined her to be. She must have seen through me, and realized that I was not the one for her ? I dunno. But I've grown so accustomed to her daily presence and appearance. Everyday she posts new Instagram and FB pictures and videos, and more and more a fall for her. Every little things, like her laugh, her hair, her silliness, her assertiveness, her eyes.... there's nothing I would change with this girl. Even after she crushed the few suggestions I had for hear health improvement. She's a lot more knowledgeable about our disease, being so immersed in her organization as the Chairman, than me. I'm still struggling to find a cure and even a doctor.

To me, it felt more and more as if she was losing interest in me, THINKING she had me all figured out, while NOTHING could be further from the truth! That's the rotten things about this whole mess. She never saw the funny, relaxed side of me, the real side, because I always adored her in writing and recorded speach things. I also recorded a small video for her, just a montage of things, images, jokes, a song. But still not me and very tense. Not me at all. Still, from a distance and being in awe for her, it's all I could muster, because I can't be at my wordt before a camera, talking into the damn thing. I did it all, however, for her... Just because I somehow hoped I could prolong our relationship, however unsure and uncertain.

So then, about 2 weeks+ ago, she posted an international passport on FB, stating she is now not an "international passport virgin" anymore. Behind the wheel of her car, a selfie. Looking like an angel like she always does. A really exceptionally beautiful woman, having done modelling work for many years, and knowing everything about lighting, posing, adding stuff to photos and doing quickerthanyoucanreadthis. A lot quicker. It's like her social media talent is as fast as her mind and typing hands. Compared to my slow goings LOL

So then, she anounced she was deactivating her FB acount for now, BUT ... dunno why but she gave me her phone number for whatsapp (ordianry text messages she was no longer interested in, too expensive and not versatile enough in terms of adding additional media content). She wanted a social media rest period, she said. I followed her like a rabbit down her rabbit hole (or fox hole?).

But like I said, she didn't want to get called up or videochatted to, just chats with media content now and then. She was setting the rules. I obliged in everything. I would literally drink the Mississippi for this lady. After all, I had a thing about her for 4 years, still do, and was now bursting-at-the-seams.

All my life, which was pretty empty anyways, because of my lllness, now revolved around her chatting with me. Every time a message or more arrived, I jumped with yoy, inwardly. My face lit up, I beamed. She has forgivin' me miraculously, once gagain! How is this even possible ? All my very unusual -for me- awkwardness, shyness, bad decisions, overlong messaging, explaining my explanations... At first she strictly admired my long writings to her, (not in English but in our native language, so don't judge this) but then her compliments got mixed with criticisms "shorter is better", "if you want me to respond, made it more concise... And she was always right! It's just that language, letters, words, sentences... WERE the only tools at my disposal, except for some spoken sentences (again, uncharachteristically stiff and awkward because it's HER and I never met HER before, plus my diminished self-confidence with being away from "new" girls and social sitiuations for so long already. But the, from now and then, she still commented on my friendly girlfriends and some FB contacts (why is x contacting you, I've noticed you complimented y online etc.). Nothing too frequent, but still, what it said to me was that she still had the capability to get jealous and thus -perhaps?- still be interested.

- - - Updated - - -

I recently heard from a woman that jealousy doesn't necessarily mean that she's still interested in you, just that women "are like that" ? What does that mean ? Is it because they can't stand if THEY in their minds ditched a guy already, that another woman might pick him up, show interest, because it makes her powerless or insecure about her own power (over me, in this case) ? ??

So, after the declaration of international passport (a 10 hour flight from Europe to Miami, USA, it appeared much later, near the end), she became more distant. But still recorded a few pretty long messages for me, her views on things, on our similiarities, questions she still has for me, answers to my written remarks before because I was too ill again to answer with a recorded message these last days. I felt so miserable I couldn't reply at least with the same thing. I couldn't even think and sit straight, let alone structure any of my thoughts and analyze anything. In other words, I deeply felt I once again FAILED her, at the moment of our departure. Which was (and now is) certainly going to be hellish for me. Anguish in fact, sheer agony.
She once asked me if I feel like this about her, if it's not meer affection, if I didn't confuse affection with something deeper (although I don't think I ever used the word "love"). Butit sure isn't affection. I know myself enough for that. It's been a LOOONG time since I've ever felt like this about a woman or a girl before. in Fact, like this ? NEVER. It is everything about her. Her roses and her thorns. Her little insecurities, dialect, imperfections, occasional goofiness, way of speaking and grimacing, humour, style... The lady GOT CLASS. Like you've never seen before! Fashion, appearance, originality, her whole look.

- - - Updated - - -

continued in PART 2/2 (new thread)

[bunnyhabit]

what be your question?