Hurting and confused

[Dave80]

Four years ago my ex girlfriend ended our relationship, it was the longest relationship I had been in. The thing was, I wasn’t sure I wanted to be in this relationship. I had doubts and panicked about the future. I thought it was my feelings towards the girl and perhaps it was but I later realised I was suffering from anxiety. I didn’t know anything about it at the time. The break up hit me hard but I couldn’t complain with anything she said, I didn’t show enough affection, we didn’t share our feelings and I never told her I loved her. I just never got the chance to put it right. I was depressed for a long time after, I was also confused because I was convinced I didn’t want a future with her. A hard year down the line and I started seeing another girl, it was good but there was never anything there. It ended and I didn’t feel a thing, another year passed and I entered another relationship. The exact same thing happened. I was now worrying I would never find ‘the one’ and believed I had messed up my chance of happiness. But then I met a girl, a truly amazing girl. She flipped my life upside down and made me feel things I’ve never felt before. I thought wow, this is it, this is what it feels like. We were only together for 4 months but it was amazing. The affection she showed me was real, I’ve never been hugged like that before. I’ve never seen that kind of joy on someone’s face when they see me. We made plans for the future (going to wedding together). She let me into her life and I met her friends. We had a 4 day holiday. She took cooking lessons to impress me, basically it was fantastic and we were both very happy. I then opened up about my feelings, not because of past mistakes but because it felt right. I told her I really liked her. After this she went quiet and I didn’t hear much for a week. I knew there was something up as the little emoji kisses stopped and she cancelled a date. She then phoned me and said she ‘couldn’t do this anymore’. She said she can’t be in a relationship and feels suffocated even though she admitted I was the least suffocating person she had been with. She said she was broken, scarred and couldn’t be fixed, she had ended every relationship she had been in, when I pushed her for answers about her situation she said it just didn’t feel right in the end. I’m devastated and shocked. I thought this was the one, the real thing. I was convinced she felt the same, she admitted her feelings were real. Then it just ended. She said she was never looking for a relationship but then met me and thought it could be different and it was but then bang...it’s over. I have fallen in love with her and I’m hurting so much. Never have I felt a connection like this. I’m scared because it took me years to recover last time, I probably only ever fully recovered when I met this amazing girl. How am I going to get over this? I can’t believe I’m here again. I have a pain in my chest, my stomach is in knots, I can’t eat or sleep, I have no desire to do anything, I can’t even raise a smile, my concentration is shot, I can’t keep my foot still. She is constantly in my thoughts, I can’t list any negatives about the relationship, it was perfect, pure shock.

[Edwin3]

Hi, Dave80, just wanted to encourage you in this difficult time. Relationships can be really tough. They have the potential for a lot of joy and a lot of pain, and it sounds like you are experiencing the pain part right now. It is very natural to feel devastated, it would be unnatural if you didn’t. Sometimes you just have to take it one minute at a time and not let it define the rest of your life. Eventually you will have enough perspective on this painful event to evaluate it objectively, but right now you just need to take care of yourself (eat, sleep, exercise) and focus on doing the next thing. Please know that you are valuable, you do have a future, and you can survive this!

[Hooo!]

Relationships don’t just end
It would be stupid to assume that
So in this case you have the clear incident of something that had triggered her to leave
You don’t understand why
I don’t understand too

Talk to her about it if you can

And by all means BE CAREFUL when discussing sensitive things. I’m not saying you shouldn’t. You should! But all the same: watch you partners reaction. Ask about what they think. Notice incongruencies and talk about them.