how to get a second date

[bulrush]

Ruthless feedback incoming!

Sorry, I can't help you unless I'm direct. Some people are really stuck in these toxic dating myths. But you sound like a tough practical NY girl.

> Absolutely nothing wrong with the guys, in fact quite the contrary: they were absolutely lovely, but no real spark.

Do you want LTR or do you want a spark? Normally you can't have both. A real spark takes time to grow, typically. An immediate but true spark is rare on the first date. Usually that fizzles out when you get to know them.

> I hadn't felt that much chemistry with someone from my first date

Beware, he could be playing you.

> well didn't hear from him for nearly a day so I texted to ask how is day was.

A day isn't that long. Be patient or you could really screw things up. But since you texted after a day, that is still ok. Texting him shows your interest. No texting on your part = no interest = he won't bother to call you back. Guys are sick of doing all the work and playing head games with girls and they will no longer tolerate that.

> but no mention of a second date a

He's waiting for you to show interest, and even ask him on a date. If he's really looking for LTR, he wants you to actually show you are a team player and actually have the confidence to do something really basic, like ask for a date. A girl who can't do that just won't work for LTR. But that's how I work. See my sig.

> should I just give up and accept that he's just not that into me as I thought,

Yes you should give up if you can't even manage to ask him on a date. He deserves better than a little girl waiting for a man to do all the work.

Sorry, but you need to get the kick in the pants reply. Many men are simply avoiding marriage altogether because of people that lack basic maturity and relationship skills.

[elisemies]

Hey TheEvilJester ,

thank you for sending.

Little update; I pressed the guy a little further and in the end he said something along the lines of not wanting to waste my time because he might be about to move to another city.
Do I believe him? Maybe. It's not unlikely, however why did he go on the first date to start with.

Anyways, it doesn't bug me as much any more. In a way, I'm thankful it was just one date given how it ended up, and since I did like him with time it would only have gotten worse.

I agree that my manners could have been better, but I have a short fuse and little patience for games, so once I realized nothing would come of I figured I might as well get to the bottom of it. As a girl, I have been taught to be polite and respectful - partly as a self defense tool. But sometimes it becomes an obstacle in itself, because in this case for instance it would have kept me from getting closure, and being nice to someone that is disrespectful ultimately doesn't feel very nice haha.

After some time putting myself out there (I'm only 26 mind you) I have learnt that it safer, and generally better, to invest as much as the other person invests in you. If there is no answer, I should indeed do as you say and call it for what it is instead of putting more thought and energy into it. In the end, when the other person doesn't care enough and it shows, it's all just lost time.

I'll try and retrain myself a little bit.

I have 3 takeaways from this little "situation" :

a) don't worry about people that don't actually care
b) it is possible for me to feel genuinely excited about a new guy for me - this is a massive positive, as I somehow convinced myself that I would never meet someone as great as my ex again
c) dating sucks and I can't trust my instincts as to whether someone is into me or not - this one is bad because I always believed I could tell pretty clearly when there was significant interest on the other side, and apparently that isn't the case

and a tentative d) better manners?

[TheEvilJester]

I will say, you are right to some degree that it is good to only put in as much effort as the other person is putting in as well.... but just don't take that in the exact opposite extreme. Because, it is also okay for you to sometimes initiate. For example, this time around he mentioned asking you on a second date... but then didn't for a while. As result, you just waited for him to ask and he never did. Don't get me wrong. I understand why you waited. You thought, he's the one who brought it up in the first place, so if he doesn't actually make the effort to set it up, maybe he's not interested.

But, that isn't necessarily the best way to approach it. Hindsight is always 20/20, but it would have been better to just ask him out yourself rather than just waiting. Again, same thing for when he asked if you wanted to get together over the weekend, then just disappeared. Instead of waiting, it would have been better just to try texting/calling him once more to say "Hey, we still on for the weekend?" or something like that. Like I said, it isn't that you should HAVE to do that. He IS the one who brought it up in the first place. But, some people can just be a bit spacey/flaky even if they don't mean to be that way. Or, like it sounds was the case with this guy, some people are just flaky and don't give a crap how it affects other people.

Ultimately, it sounds like the end result would have been the same anyway. Sounds like this guy wasn't a keeper anyway. But, why play games that only hurt you anyway? If you want a second date with somebody and they haven't asked... why not just ask yourself. Sure, if it becomes a pattern where you ALWAYS have to initiate, that could be a problem. But, there's no harm in both parties being the one to initiate now and then.

Being polite and respectful is definitely something EVERYBODY should do. Not just women. It's just, there is a delicate balance between being polite and being a doormat. There is a delicate balance between being tactfully direct and being a rude jerk. To be perfectly honest, I think you sound like you are within a pretty good balance on that spectrum. Hopefully this experience can be a good life lesson for you if nothing else. It's okay to be a bit assertive and to try to take what you want. It doesn't always have to be the guy to reach out first.... but at the same time, nor should it always be you.

With all that said, don't misunderstand... I'm NOT at all taking his side or trying to blame you. I 100% understand and agree with you that he was in the wrong for the way he dealt with you. I'm just saying... why even bother giving jerks like this the opportunity to frustrate you? Just go for what you want and, to some degree, you should be able to tell whether or not the other person is putting in enough effort. Not that it is necessarily a given. I don't mean to make it sound like it is SO easy.... but you can't live your life worrying too much about whether or not somebody is invested enough in your relationship. You have to just go for it and you should at least have a decent sense of if things seem to be equal on both sides or if you are just wasting your time.

Good luck to you.

[bulrush]

But if he said he would drop me a line about setting up our next date, shouldn't I supposedly let him do just that?

Only wait 3 days for him to contact you, then ask him if he wants to set up a date, or he wants you to set up the date. He's probably testing you, and weeding out weak girls that won't put any effort into the relationship. This is a shit test guys do, and it's really valid, because most western girls won't put any effort into the relationship at all. Guys need to find out quickly who is worthy of a relationship and who is just a helpless child that needs to be taken care of. Being passive is what puts you in the friend zone.

Do I believe him? Maybe.

Yes believe him. Take his words at face value, don't over think things.

It's not unlikely, however why did he go on the first date to start with.

He went on the first date and after that he could have found out he might be moving. Keep it simple, don't assume too much. And by saying this he said he's not interested. So it's time to move on.

[HappySpirit]

I agree. Clarity is better than no clarity.

[TheEvilJester]

That is a really nice way to sum it up. I like that. "Clarity is better than no clarity." And I would agree. In many aspects of life, it is better to go for what you want and know for sure than to sit back and hope things will just happen and very possibly be left wondering.

[omgtotallyxo]

People don't like confrontation; most guys won't actually tell you they are not interested because they don't want to hurt your feelings. I think the fact that he hasn't set up a second date or didn't follow through with it shows his blatant disinterest.

Stop chasing after men who aren't interested. You deserve someone who finds you attractive.