Am i a moron ?

[Stormsurfer89]

So before i start my story i would like to say hello to everyone and hope this is the right place to share my thoughts.

I’m 28 years old and so far i wasn’t engaged in a serious relationship, most of them being adventures and so on. So, on a night out with some friends, in a nightclub, i met this girl, 3 years older than me, i didn’t talk too much with her because i was about to leave, added her on FB and i began dating her the next couple of days and the next weekend we went on a vacation where we had sex. At first i thought this will be another adventure, but i found her interesting and started to develop feelings for her. I spent almost every night talking to her on the phone for at least 2 hours.

She’s intelligent and very attractive, has a good but stressful job, i found alot of topics to discuss and so on, we began to hang out, making out in the car almost non-stop and so on. But here comes the first problem, at first we didnt have where to have sex, because i live with my mom and at her place she said it’s impossible because every now and then her ex comes knocking at her door (he cant get over her). We said we’ll figure out a solution (hotel room or something similar) but after this everytime i brought up this topic she said she either was tired/not in the mood or on her period and so on. I got over this and struggled to believe that she is loyal (even though i knew she didnt have the physical time to cheat on me, we were spending alot of time on the phone or going out).

Then comes the 2nd problem, she usually goes out with her best friend in the club, and everytime i said to her if i can come with them she said that it’s a girls only night out (at other times there were other girls with them too not just the 2 of them). I found this a bit sketchy and i went out in the same club with some friends (to see what’s going on with her), clearly because jealousy/being possesive is one of my traits. She accused me of being extremely jealous and that she isn’t comfortable with this thing and i should trust her, she gave me a reason of why she doesn’t want to go out together with me in a club (also because her ex might be following her and she didnt want to create a tense situation). I also think i rushed a lot regarding our relationship.

She is also a jealous person because when we went out together she would get mad if i looked at other girls and so on, all my friends told me to drop her and get over her because she is too complicated and has a difficult history (she was married for around 7 years, then had a relationship of about 2 years with the ex i was talking about earlier). About her ex she told me from the beginning that when he knocks on her door (rarely) she invites him inside because she doesnt want the neighbours to freak out but she assured me that they only talk (mostly him) and then he leaves, she doesn’t feel anything for him and so on.

Of course i know that i’m the one who is loving her more than she loves me (i doubt she really does), maybe that’s the reason i cant let go, every moment together with her is great and i love to make out with her and so on.

So time went by, we spent the New Years’s Eve together (alongside my friends) and it was great.

She told me all of her life’s story and i told her my feelings for her. And here comes the big thing: after around 3 months into our relationship, 1 week after the New Year’s Eve, i couldnt reach her on friday’s night and saturday’s night and when i finally was able to talk to her she seemed cold and told me that she wants to be alone with her thoughts and that she couldnt use her phone because her ex was at her house and took away her phone and so on (that was happening every time he was visiting her).

2 days after this weekend a friend of mine told me she had sex with someone in the weekend, because he heard it from some connections. Right after this, without me telling her anything i noticed that on her fb profile her relationship status was set to single (also i forgot to mention that during this whole time she was posting selfies on fb, insta and snapchat almost daily). I asked her about her page and she said that her status was set like this from the beginning but i didnt’t saw it (it was hidden probably but even after this discussion she left it set at single).

The next weekend we spent time together in a nightclub with her showing again signs of jealousy and so on, everything was okay again.

And to finish my story, on monday i told her my issues with this relationship (her choosing single on her relationship status, the lack of sex and the rumour i heard). She didnt provide answers on the first 2 topics but focused on the third and she told me she hasnt got time for this kind of bullshit and that surely the rumour was started by her ex because he wanted us to break up and he was blocked on every device (including mine) and it was the only way to make me break up with her. The problem is that i never caught her lying so far (and i tried) and i dont know who to believe. She also told me that i’m her type of guy but that she feels tired (work plays apart) and she knows that our relationship isnt going the way it is supposed to be (i know this too), that she tried to be more attached to me but doesnt know why she cant get even more closer (told me she isnt usually like this in a relationship), and that her ex messing with her mind might be the problem.

She said she needs a pause of some days in this relationship, that she feels suffocated at times by me (i knew i was at times like that but it’s because i love her) and she needs to be left alone for some time and to see if she will be missing me or no.

I dont know if i should go on with this type of relationship even though i’m still in love with her, i didnt tell this to any of my friends because most of them will believe that im a ****ing fool.

Hopefully i’ll receive some feedback from you guys and sorry for my english because it isnt my first language.

[madotnw_nihs]

I think this boils down to she never really loved or will love you as much as you love her. It doesn't seem like she was that much into you.
I would not continue this relationship if you want to be happy.

[TheEvilJester]

I would agree with madotnw. As much as I know you may not WANT that to be the conclusion, I can't help but make any other conclusion. This relationship sounds like WAY too much drama to be worthwhile...especially this early on.

I will say one thing...

MAYBE she's being entirely sincere with you. MAYBE she's sincerely over her ex and nothing is going on there. MAYBE she's not just stringing you along. MAYBE there aren't other guys. ...But, let's just pretend that IS the case for a second....

It really doesn't change the fact that this is WAY more drama than you need or deserve. It doesn't change the fact that if she wants any kind of serious relationship with ANYBODY, she needs to deal with all this crap FIRST. It isn't fair to you (or to any other guy she might date in the future if you two break up) to enter into a new relationship while still dealing with all of this baggage from past relationships. The one thing that seems glaringly obvious here is that she is not putting her full attention into your relationship. Maybe that IS because she doesn't take/never took it seriously. Maybe it is just because she's dealing with all that other crap in her life right now.

Either way, it sounds like she wasn't ready for a new relationship, but she either didn't realize it or didn't care enough to deal with her junk first. So, I would personally agree with the idea of leaving her behind. It doesn't even necessarily have to be with any hurt feelings. You can just very calmly, very politely tell her that you've enjoyed the time together, but that you just need somebody who can be all in with the relationship. That you wish her the best in dealing with the issues with her ex and stuff like that, but that you just aren't okay with being in the middle of all that.

At the end of the day, though, it has to be your decision. So, if you DO decide you want to stay with her, my advice would be to AT LEAST have some reasonable time frame in your own mind for when you will feel enough is enough. For where, if things have not improved by XYZ date or in ABC amount of time, you will decide it is no longer worth wasting your time. Good luck to you. I hope you find somebody who can show you the appreciation you deserve, whether that winds up being her or somebody else.

P.S.

Addressing the question in your subject.... NO, you are not a moron. This kind of stuff happens. You aren't wrong to want love, and you aren't wrong if part of you sort of hopes that could be with her even if things don't seem to be going well. Just don't put up with it for too long. I've said this many times before, but anybody would be much better off alone than they would with somebody who only brings them constant misery.

[Hooo!]

You love an image of a person that doesn’t exist.
You don’t love her

You love a person who you want her to be.

You are deluding yourself. You are not seeing the person she really is.

[rjkennedy]

She's really still into her husband and you came along as something different. Spying on her because of your jealous and insecurities won't get you far.

My recommendation: Move on with your life. This woman sounds like she's suffering from Bipolar Disorder. It's also known as manic-depressive illness, which is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks. Trust me my friend, you can do better!

[sara28leite]

Some people are afraid of commitment. She seems like that kind of a person. Don't waste your time on her. It's better to end it sooner rather than later. If only I had been brave enough to end my relationship on time. You are not a moron for having so much love in you. You will find someone who will be as you are, and who will deserve your time and affection. Be brave and don't settle for less than you deserve!