boyfriend is looking for "perfect" woman

[violete]

Hello.

I would really apreciate some insight on my story, I will try to explain it as short as possible.

I am 30, my boyfriend of one and a half year is 40. None of us have kids or have been married and we both want a family.
We get along great, we have the same life goals, we have so much fun together, we even live together (for a year).
We started out as friends, he was going through a break up (he was with his ex for 9years), he had medical issues, he moved etc. We hung out and started romantic relationship. Even in the beggining he said he enjoys our time together, but doesn't know what the future brings. As things were going great, I could see us being in the long haul, making plans together and so on. But he always said he is having difficulties with decision making, responsibilities and that he can't decide on us and only time will tell.

Over time, we met each others parents, coworkers know we are together,... So I king of thought that he decided and that he saw me in his future. But a month ago he tells me he likes things as they are, but he doesn't know if I am the one. That he has this picture in his head, where he finds his "perfect" woman and everything in his life will kind of fall into place. He knows that doesn't exist, but he still wants it/wishes for it/waits for it.
Every time I mention marriage or babies, he freaks out. He is affraid that if he said "YES" to our relationship, that after some time he will meet his perfect woman and regret telling me yes. He sees marriage and kids as a commitment, where he would stay..
So he doesn't want to be tied down this way, so he is avoiding it. He knows he has issues and I told him to get someone (therapist) to talk to, but of course, other things in life are always more important...

What should I do? Should I wait for time to tell and give him space to figure things out?

Thank you so much for reading and answering
Violeta

[madotnw_nihs]

If he is still fantasizing that a "perfect" women exist, then he is very immature. Another reasoning I can think of it he just doesn't think you are the one, so he is coming up with this excuse. If he is really serious about this, I would end this relationship now because it won't advance to a stage that you want.

[Hooo!]

Well
What do you want to do? And when do you want to do it?

[violete]

I would like to get married, have kids. Sometime in the future. But for now I would like to have someone who is with me, who is planning our future together and working in that direction. But I don't know if I should wait for him to get to this stage or give up because he will always be looking for someone perfect, which I am obviously not.

Well, he knows it probably won't happen, because he didn't find that perfect woman yet, in his 25years of dating. But he won't settle for real (with commitment like marriage or kids). He knows it's immature and wants to solve this issue, but in the same sentence he says this is who I am. When I said or you go to therapy and you solve your problems or pack suitcaises, he promised he will go to therapy next month but for now hasn't done anything yet. Always finds something else to occupy with, so he doesn't have to deal with this.

[madotnw_nihs]

If he values the relationship enough, he would go to therapy without pushing it off.

[violete]

But even if he goes as he promised, will it make a difference? He was on therapy once before, it didn't change anything. Do you think that if he has this fixation in his head for 25 years, will it ever change? Will he ever commit as I would like him to? Is it too much to expect after year and a half of dating?

[madotnw_nihs]

No, it's not too much to ask. But if he is fixated with it for 25 years, it will be difficult for him to change his mind. Some people just rather be alone or not commit to someone if it's not right person.

[violete]

Thank you for reply
He often says himself that if only he wouldn't have this issue, everything would be so easy... if only he wouldn't be so affraid to commit and stop dreaming of perfection and that he is so stupid for thinking the way he does...

I am affraid it will never change. I don't know if I should wait to see what happens with therapy, but I am getting more and more unhappy, feeling unwanted, rejected,...

[madotnw_nihs]

Also I don't subscribe to the perfect partner. Compatibility is a spectrum and the bar is set where you want it to be. If you match at 80 or 90%, then that may be good enough for you.
Marriage is also a journey. Your relationship at the end of the marriage will be different from entering it. There are opportunities for things to work out as long as you are committed.

[violete]

I completely agree with you. I don't believe in perfect partner, because in relationship there are two different peolpe, with two personalities, two upbringings, two dreams and wishes. I just hope to find someone who I get along with, agree on most impostant things in life, talk through things we don't agree on, who will love me, commit and want to plan his life with me.
I know we want similar things in life, but his fear is stopping him from getting there. I helped him, encouraged him from the beginning of our relationship and have been patiently waiting for him to get rid of his fears. Just to find that after year and a half, his anwer if he had to commit today, would still be no, but "why don't we wait and see what time brings"... I'm exhausted, I feel I am fighting alone. For somene, who would say no at the end of the day, because fear always wins

[Hooo!]

What will happen if you continue to wait for him?

[violete]

Right now I am really unsatisfied with this relationship because I keep on thinking in my head, he doesn't want to be with me. He is with me, but not really, he wants no responsibilities, he is avoiding it. I keep thinking I am not good enough for him, if I would be, he would say yes, but I am not his perfect woman... I keep giving and giving, hoping, but what do I get?
What will happen? I don't know. I might wait for him to commit and he never will. Maybe one day he will meet his perfect and just go. Or maybe he will commit to me. I don't know, nobody knows what the future brings.

[Hooo!]

Thank you for being so open with us.
So I gather that you are really unhappy in the relationship because you feel unworthy imperfect and have very little hope for this relationship to continue in any way you want your life to go.

I would discuss this with him. The consequence being that your relationship will end.
If you tell him he will probably not expect it. Give him one day time to process this if need be.
Discuss this with him until you find a solution

Good luck