Almost time for sex . . . I hope

[sfalexi]

Ah, just some info. Not a problem or anything, just some info on me.

When I first started out dating my current girlfriend I knew she was conservative. I knew cause she told me right up front so as not to mislead me and so she doesn't "waste time" if sex is all I want. She told me right up front that I was gonna have to wait.

Well, it's been 11 months, and according to my good friend, who's damned near a psychic, almost time. I thought it'd be like maybe five, six, seven months or so. When I was dating her for two months, without even KNOWING that she said this, he said, "Nope. It's gonna be longer than that." I asked how long and he thought it over good and hard and said, "New Years. Either Eve or Day. That's gonna be the night."

Well, it sucks waiting. Not just cause I don't know what sex is like, but because she's so special and I want to be able to show our affection in other ways. For those who may have been there, you know how much it sucks constantly wondering, "What's wrong with me? . . . Why won't he/she do this? . . . Would it be like this if I looked/acted different? Or were older or younger?"

It sucks. But that day is almost here. I'm sorry, but if it doesn't happen soon, I'm gonna have to assume that she doesn't love me and that if it hasn't happened by then, it won't happen. And I'll have to cut her loose. It'll suck, but I can't spend my entire life wondering what's wrong with me.

Just thought you'd like to know . . .

Alexi

[leight69]

I think you're at a point _ (actually well past it) where you need to find out why she is making you wait.

Sex is normal and natural part of human life. If you understand the reasons why someone doesnt want to acknowlege that part of their life (thereby yours) then you know and can evaluate wherether or not you wanna leave.

Clearly sex is not what you want out of the relationship, but holding out like that for those reasons, is unfair.

She needs to level with you what her beef is, or you should cut her loose. Does she have an STI? Was she abused? Is she a closet lesbian? Is it her faith? Is she just a control freak...like what gives?

You're at a point where she owes you an explanation more then what you seem to have received. Because clearly you have demonstrated your care for her, and if you were there just for the sex, you'd have left her a long long long time ago.


that's me though.

[jane]

wow.. sounds like she has you locked...

Is she a virgin? That would be the only reason why she may be makin you wait. i would talkto her and let her know that you really love her and want to have the bond with her. I would also be really careful what you say if you bring it up. It's like the make it or break it point ya know?

becuase you love her, I can understand why you would want to have sex obviously.. do you guys do anything else? Is that the next step for you or the beginning?

God luck and I hope it happens soon for yoU!

[sfalexi]

We do do other things. But we never seem to have a time to actually talk about why she feels she's not ready for sex. I've been trying to initiate the conversation for about two weeks but I want to talk it over in person, and everytime she's over she's tired from a long day at work, or when we plan to have a conversation some freak accident happens like she got in an accident last week and yesterday we were snowed in our separate places, etc.

She knows I want to talk about it though. And I'll definitely just keep trying until I get a clearcut answer. She's not a virgin, but hasn't had sex in about 12 years. Her first boyfriend "duped" her into sex with the "if you really love me you would" line. But that was after dating him for two weeks. Since then she's been much more careful and has been waiting for someone who really deserves it.

Since then, I've been her longest lasting relationship (even longer than the shitbag boyfriend who used the line and then cheated on her twice during the 7 month relationship) and I dont' understand what's going on that at this point I'm not good enough yet.

Alexi

[jane]

ok .. explain something to me.. She hasn't hasd sex for 12 years because she was duped the first time? I guess I am just try to understand this. How old was she? was she "forced" into it too?

It worries me that you have been dating for 11months and she hasn't told you why she won't have sex with you. I would think that you guys would have a close enough thatyou should be able ot talk about anything. IF you can't, then maybe sex isn't the place to go for now.

I am not trying to be judgemental. I am only pointing out that it seems odd she won't tell you whats going on.
Talking ot her is all you can do right now. i would bring up the fact that you DO REALLY LOVE HER and want to be intimate because of that. I would also be careful and ask her whats going on. I think it's important.

[leight69]

well put...

also, (as i learned) you can't control how you're gonna feel in the future and go around regretting things afterwards. You make decisions based on what you know at the time, and cant regret them afterwards because "new information" came to light.

you cant promise to love her forever only to tell her how you currently feel.

she's gonna have to accept that risk, but if she can't...then you may consider moving on.

also keep in mind she'd be YOUR first, not the other way around...you're gonna remember her for a long time no matter what...it's not as if you're a player or something.

[jane]

Originally posted by leight69
well put...

also keep in mind she'd be YOUR first, not the other way around...you're gonna remember her for a long time no matter what...it's not as if you're a player or something.

Also well put...

[sfalexi]

Yeah. I won't be able to talk to her until Thursday but I'll definitely post what happened in this thread that night or friday morning.

She was 15 last time she had sex, but her boyfriend of two weeks used her crush and infatuation with him to get it. "If you really loved me you would do it. . ." oldest line. Also one of the cheapest.

Every time I've asked her in the past, she's just said, "I don't know. I wish I could tell you but I don't know." It's so frustrating. On so many levels. But the thing that kills me the most is that there are people out there having it just for fun. And I want it as an act of our affection for one another. Not just "for a good time." It pisses me off that people keep asking me all these questions about last time I had sex, how many times I had sex, and they know I've had my girlfriend for 11 months and they're just shocked to hear we haven't done it yet.

I mean, those people are annoying, but as my friend says, "I don't get it man. You're a great guy. You would never cheat on her, you're like one of the best kids I know. Don't do drugs, don't drink, going to college, have a plan for yourself. What can she hold against you that she doesn't want to be with you?"

Seriously though. If I don't find out by after new years, I'm gonna have to force myself to get away from her. Not cause I don't love her, but cause the pain is killing me and it's getting to the point that every time I talk to her/see her I can't be happy cause the only thing I keep thinking is "what's wrong with me. What is it she is looking for in a boyfriend that I'm missing?" And I can't live life like that.

Alexi

[jane]

Originally posted by sfalexi
Every time I've asked her in the past, she's just said, "I don't know. I wish I could tell you but I don't know." It's so frustrating. On so many levels. But the thing that kills me the most is that there are people out there having it just for fun. And I want it as an act of our affection for one another. Not just "for a good time." It pisses me off that people keep asking me all these questions about last time I had sex, how many times I had sex, and they know I've had my girlfriend for 11 months and they're just shocked to hear we haven't done it yet.
Alexi

Have you told her this? What does she say?

[sfalexi]

So I talked to my girlfriend about it. And after a long discussion (took like four hours between us talking and any interruptions from the stupid parents) she just told me what she'd said before. She apologized that it's been so long but that she's not ready. She doesn't feel like she's in love, but she's having a really great time and I'm very special to her. She's still not sure if it'll be love or not, but she told me that's all she could do. She said the ball is in my court (meaning whether I would leave her or not) but that she isn't going to leave me and she just hopes that I don't leave her. She started crying a little bit because she was sad that I was upset. It happens any time I'm visibly upset about something. She always ends up shedding a few tears for my sadness cause she doesn't like to see me sad, ESPECIALLY when it's her fault.

So I don't know what to do or not to do. I mean, I really do like her, although I have to give it more time to find out what's going to happen. I'm not sure how well I'll be hanging out with her knowing that she doesn't love me and doesn't know whether she will or won't. Meaning I'm not sure if it's really going to bother me everytime I see her or whether it really won't be an issue all the time and I'll only think of it here and there. The latter I can live with for a little while, the former I can't.

So I just don't know what I'm going to do. I just know that I have to give it more time to see if it comes to me whether I should leave or stay. In the meantime, I'll be sort of searching for clues as to how she feels, whether there's a good possibility of her falling in love with me, and I'll be searching my feelings as to how it's affecting me.

Of course I could always believe in my friend who believe's his a psychic. He told me three months into the relationship that it'll be New Years Eve or New Years Day that we first have sex. And that time hasn't come yet so he could be right.

Alexi

PS - Incidentally, if he turns out to be right, I'll be a much closer friend to him and I also promised him that if he's right I'll look into Biomedical Engineering as a career (he believes that I'll be very happy as a biomedical engineer based on my love of math and science instead of a schoolteacher)

[jane]

well.. new years is coming ... you never know.

Remeber what I said about you watching out for you,, Don't get in soooo deep.. that you can't leave.

Good Luck in the new year!

[GigaloDJ]

Alexi you must seduce her bro.

Lots of foreplay.

[Innova]

Then hes going to look just like the bastard who made her distrust all men.

[sfalexi]

Exactly Innova. And I really do like her. I don't want to get it through an underhanded way such as seducing or alcohol. I want her to feel that she's ready and she's already told me that when she's ready, she'll figure out a way to let me know . . . (and in the meantime, I keep myself at peace by fantasizing about the various ways she can let me know)

Alexi

PS - As far as tomorrow (New Years Eve) night goes, I just called her. She's still recovering from bronchitis (lots of coughing), and to top it off she just pulled a muscle in her back and had to ice it all day. Looks like chances dropped from 5% lay to 1%. And even worse, this lessens the chance of good foreplay too. I mean, if she's not comfortable with her back, she ain't gonna be wanting to mess around much I bet. DAMN IT! EVERY ****ING TIME WE GET ALONE SOMETHING GOES ****ING WRONG! (This hasn't been the first time something's gone wrong. Goddamn it.)

I'll let everyone know on Friday what happened.

[jane]

oh man.. tuff break kid...