He duped me

[Angel29]

I had seen this guy in a walking group over the past 5 months. We were friends a few years ago but lost touch. Over the months he has dropped hints that he likes me, has cuddled and held me for long periods of time and kissed my cheek in a loving way - it has all been quite romantic. I told him recently that I like him and he started acting awkward and said he likes me but does not want to take it further and he said he does not feel enough for me. He then said he probably did lead me on. I was stunned, I didn't stick around to talk as I felt he had taken the p*** out of me.

He is in his 40s and not had a girlfriend in years but does get shy and socially awkward around women. He did say not long ago to me and some friends when he was asked about dating was that he has had enough of women who answer back, he hasn't married as he has not found the right woman. He also said if he has a relationship he has to give up the hiking groups. I thought that is ridiculous as the right person would not make you give up your hobbies which I even told him this.

There have been occasions where he has said he doesn't do communal bedrooms with the hikers and likes his own space. He also at times has had outbursts, sulked and impatient in situations - not ideal.

I have realised I have wasted my time. I feel shocked and heartbroken now as I had pinned my hopes on him to be let down. How can I rebuild my life and move on? Am I best to cut contact with him? I know he gets annoyed when I talk to other guys but how can he when he rejected me. I still want to see my friends at the hiking group but don't know if I can go with him being there as I will have feelings.

Please can people please point out his red flags so I don't fall for this crap again. Thanks.

[madotnw_nihs]

sorry that you got duped. Based on what you told us, it's hard to tell you what the red flags. My advice would be not to be too emotionally attached until you are actually dating and further along on the relationship chart.

[TheEvilJester]

Yeah, I would agree with madotnw. I'm so sorry to hear this happened to you. I wish we could offer more helpful advice, but it honestly sounds like there didn't seem to be much you could have caught. I mean, he was being all cuddly and romantic with you. What the Hell else were you supposed to think? This sort of thing, I have to admit, gets my blood boiling a bit. I can kind of imagine myself in the same situation. With as much as I always wanted love so much and always found it eludes me.... what would be SO much worse would be to have somebody lead me on into thinking we were going somewhere only to pull the rug out from under me like this.

Honestly, to me there is almost no excuse that would make this sort of thing okay. How could he NOT see what conclusions you would draw from his actions? How would he NOT realize you'd think exactly what you did?

So, unfortunately, this may not be a situation where you can necessarily learn what red flags to look for... but at least should be one where you realize you did not deserve to be treated this way. I guess, if nothing else, just take out of this that you deserve better than that. That he doesn't deserve you anyway. That doesn't really help for now, but it will eventually. You'll find somebody. It's his loss if he had a chance with you but wasn't willing to take it.

And, don't get me wrong. I get that people all have their issues. Maybe he has some kind of past drama that caused him to be so cautious... but then he should never have led you on in the first place. And, for his own sake as much as any women he may like in the future, he should learn how to get himself past it. So, as best you can, don't let this get you too down. He doesn't deserve the power to make you feel any less worthy of love. You'll find it someday.

Good luck to you.

[johnbgb]

Contact Dr. DUGO on E-mail: dugo_d()gmail.com, he has the charm to make everything right for you. Trust me

[Angel29]

I am going to a birthday party at the weekend which this guy will be there. I know I have had a lucky escape but don't know how to behave around him. If I ignore him he knows it will have bothered me and if I acknowledge him he will think I still have the hots for him. He is the type to still stare at me even though he rejected me. I won't miss out on my friend's party just because of him.

[janelove121]

Contact Dr. DUGO on E-mail: dugo_d()yahoo.com, he has the spiritual charm to make everything right back for you. Trust me

[Debra56]

Contact Dr. OGUDU on E-mail: drogudutemple()Aol.com, he has the spiritual charm to make everything right back for you. Trust me

[TheEvilJester]

I am going to a birthday party at the weekend which this guy will be there. I know I have had a lucky escape but don't know how to behave around him. If I ignore him he knows it will have bothered me and if I acknowledge him he will think I still have the hots for him. He is the type to still stare at me even though he rejected me. I won't miss out on my friend's party just because of him.

And as well you shouldn't. I know it will probably be somewhat awkward for you, but don't let him take you away from your friends. I would say how you react to him should honestly fall somewhere in the middle. Don't blatantly ignore him.... but also don't go out of your way to acknowledge him. I'd say treat him at the party as though he were some distant acquaintance with whom you are friendly, but you barely know them. In other words, don't go out of your way to go up to him, don't go out of you way to avoid him.... but if you do encounter him, just a polite "Oh, hi!" and then leave it at that. Eventually, that is exactly the way you'll feel if/when he happens to be at the same event as you. For now, I think your best bet is to just act as though you are already at that point. Just act as natural as you can, and enjoy yourself at the party, but nobody says you HAVE to hang out with him while there.

[GLYC]

And as well you shouldn't. I know it will probably be somewhat awkward for you, but don't let him take you away from your friends. I would say how you react to him should honestly fall somewhere in the middle. Don't blatantly ignore him.... but also don't go out of your way to acknowledge him. I'd say treat him at the party as though he were some distant acquaintance with whom you are friendly, but you barely know them. In other words, don't go out of your way to go up to him, don't go out of you way to avoid him.... but if you do encounter him, just a polite "Oh, hi!" and then leave it at that. Eventually, that is exactly the way you'll feel if/when he happens to be at the same event as you. For now, I think your best bet is to just act as though you are already at that point. Just act as natural as you can, and enjoy yourself at the party, but nobody says you HAVE to hang out with him while there.

I agree with this. Don't act butthurt. Just be polite and nice if he talks to you, don't purposely try to avoid him, but don't go out of your way to see him.
Treat him like an old acquaintance as Jester said.

I actually remember your old post on this, I think it was in the spring, it just sounds familiar, the hiking group thing.

This guy probably doesn't really know what he wants, which is why it feels like he lead you on. He was probably moreso open to casual fun, and just blindly going into things. You called his bluff, and questioned basically how much he really cares, and he decided to show his cards.
He's already disqualified himself. You've already seen red flags. Sulking, outbursts, and drama. You're better off without it.

His hiking story sounds like BS, about not dating hikers. Which is why you choose to post that part, it sticks out.
While It's good to have separate hobbies and a life away from your partner, if he was truly interested, he would not have said that.
In my opinion.

[TheEvilJester]

I agree with this. Don't act butthurt. Just be polite and nice if he talks to you, don't purposely try to avoid him, but don't go out of your way to see him.

I don't specifically have anything to add this time that hasn't already been said. ...I just wanted to point out that I love the phrase "butthurt." LOL!

[Angel29]

I went to the party. He kept staring at me throughout the evening. At one point he and his friends were talking and looking at me. His friends came over and said hello to me but he never came over. He looked again later and a mutual friend shouted out whilst looking at him saying "look at him, he doesn't want to date you but is still looking at you, move on from him." I don't get why his friends came over. If he doesn't want to date me then why look at me. The situation is stressing me out.

[madotnw_nihs]

They sound immature and self-centered. If you can't ignore them, is there a different walking group you can join?

[TheEvilJester]

Yeah, my gut instinct is to agree with madotnw there. Specifically with him. He sounds like an immature man-child. What kind of imbecile stares at somebody so blatantly for an entire party but doesn't talk to them? I mean, at least in this kind of situation. I mean, I am sure it could have just been an awkward situation and he didn't know how to handle it.... but that was just about one of the worst possible ways he could have handled it. So, no sympathy in my book even if he DIDN'T mean it maliciously and just wasn't sure what to do. He made it SO much more awkward by his actions.

Honestly, if nothing else be happy about this... he continues to prove to you more and more that you dodged a bullet not winding up with him. As much as you can, I'd say just avoid him. Whenever you can't (like at a party) I think I'm changing my personal advice slightly. Don't treat him like an acquaintance. Treat him like a complete stranger. In other words, you wouldn't necessarily go up and talk to a complete stranger. You wouldn't necessarily BLATANTLY ignore them, but they'd be kinda just there. ...Yet if they came up to talk to you, you'd be polite but short and leave it at that. That is all this guy deserves, and barely even that.