When your bf is married & worse?

[amberXnight]

Part 1. For the most part my bf and I have a pretty wonderful relationship. He is 20 years older than me, Wich he didnt tell me until about 4 months after meeting him( I never asked though, knowing it wouldn't change how I feel). After ,I turned 18 we moved in together and a while he preposed! As time went on I kept trying to pick a wedding date but he kept pushing off saying things he wasn't ready or his mother still needed surgery. Around Christmas we went to the carribian to visit his family, by than I was sure he would pick out a date but once again he came up with another excuse. It had been over a year since he had perposed and he had already picked s date and planned our wedding 5 times,!
I was done, obviously he was cheating on me or wasnt ready to commit! Soon after this realization after a particularly stressful day I had a dream that I went to house in Florida where he was living with his wife( definitely not me) and a little boy. Than a phone literally fell from the sky into my hand and a voice said "his email".
I would up extremely agitated not sure what to do, than an idea came! In the corner was an old shoe box with all his and my broken phones, I took one and charged it. Sure enough he had forgotten to log out of his email. I knew it was wrong but I had to know! I connected to a hot spot . I expected to find him sexting another girl or a dating sight subscription, I was totally shocked to find a marriage certificate and him talking to a lawyer about divorce! I forwarded the message to myself. That night I gave him the chance to come clean. Eventually he gave into the pressure and said he was indeed married, but that he had never even slept with her, he said he had only doen it for a legal purpose( which I can't say here). He said he had only lied because he was afraid I'd leave. He insisted that they would be devorced within 2 months. Horrified yet finally relieved I decided that I still loved him and believed him.
Part 2 : now 6 months later he still isn't divorced, on top of that I have grown increasingly adgitated/Paranoid. What if this woman was more than what he claimed? So I set out online, searching hundred of records. My hard work payed off, but only leaving me even more confused! I found that firstly. He and her shared the same address as on multiple documents meaning that they had probably lived together ( maybe he or she just used it as a fake address? Or something?) Secondly I found that she has a child. Thirdly, I found her Facebook ( which was not easy) among the 4 or so posts is her and a 3-5 year old boy who in my paranoid mind looks like my bf, and the child's age coincides with the time they would have been together.( However if i never found anything about a kid in his email and I'm pretty sure if my bf had a kid he would want to know)
Most of me wants to believe everything he has told me, but seeing as he has lied to me and hidden things in the past it makes since that he could lie about other things. And let's if he know her well enough to marry her even if it was just for a legal reason than why couldn't they have lived to gether and had sex?
Am I just being paranoid? Should I confront him about this? And if I'm right what to do? I have so much going through my head please try to understand where I'm coming from! Any advice is welcome ❤

[Hooo!]

Is there any reason for you to come here instead of bringing this issue to the guy?

Imho he has had one chance to get clean
He has not used it entirely
I would make it very clear that xyz happens (whatever you mean to) if he doesn’t finally start being honest

If he just uses you for the amazing sex then he’ll perhaps you can live with it
But I personally can’t live with a person who cannot tell their fiancé the whole truth if asked

[Shoukon]

Yea, best thing is to talk to him about this. Set up clear boundaries for yourself before this conversation. How many more weeks are you willing to wait for him to divorce before you leave for instance. Make your boundaries clear to him. You can be with someone for many years and not know their many secrets.

[amberXnight]

My biggest issue in bringing it up to him is that I don't have in solid evidence. I hate it when people lie to me but in the past I had undinable proof. I hate arguments, I believe that there is always a right and wrong and I dont want be stuck feeling like a crazy person on the wrong side if an argument. I already tried talking to my best friend but she thinks that I'm just paranoid! That's why I came here to see if other people to thought the same thing before I decide to call him out.

[madotnw_nihs]

I absolutely don't think you are paranoid. If it were me, I would have booted him out the door. He seems to be the type of dont ask, don't tell. Or even been yet, ask, don't tell.

[amberXnight]

So I am right in thinking that he has had sex and lived with his ex, and that her kid might be his?
Do you think that he knows he has a kid? She hasn't asked for any child support, which means one of 2 things: 1. it's not his & 2. She doesn't want him to know because she is afraid he will want partial custody ( I am inclined to think this since I found her under several Aliases, even her Facebook had a fake name, obviously she doesn't want to be found). At first I was mad at her but now I am wondering if maybe I ( unintentionally ) am playing the other woman ( even though they where separated before we started dating, he only filed for divorce after we met)

I absolutely don't think you are paranoid. If it were me, I would have booted him out the door. He seems to be the type of dont ask, don't tell. Or even been yet, ask, don't tell.

[madotnw_nihs]

Everything is a mess, and it doesn't seem like he will tell you the truth. All this sleuthing has turned out pieces of the puzzle, but you will never get a clear picture. Is it worth it to you to continue? Are you that attached to this man?

[amberXnight]

I dont think it's worth it if he is a liar... I just don't know 'how' to talk confront him. Everyone keeps saying I need to and I agree but I really don't know how to start or even when the right time would be��

[madotnw_nihs]

I don't think it's necessary to talk to him unless it gives you closure. I have never been a person needs explanations in relationships. If it works, great. If we are not happy, lets break up. Life is too short to dance around and figure these things out.

[elisemies]

Hey,

so sorry you are going through this, I'm sure it must have been a very stressful year for you.

Honestly, if you can't trust him there is no sense in being in the relationship in the first place. Whether he is truthful or not -in my modest opinion he sounds like a bag of shit- you have to live a life where you'll constantly be wondering whether he's lying to you or keeping something from you. It's especially tough when this has been the first few years of your relationship... things won't get better from here. On top of that you have a 20 year difference, in which he should have matured and understood how important it is to be honest with people he cares about.

If he married into the country -that seems to be what you're talking about- he sounds like even more of a shady guy. And he started dating you before you were 18, which makes the age age difference even more shocking and would explain why he didn't tell you up until you had been together for a third of a year. He sounds manipulative as hell amberXnight, and you do deserve better. I'm not saying that all older men want to take advantage of younger women, but in your case there are just too many alarm signs of the fact that this man is not being honest with you. Do you believe what he says to you in general? What if he's telling his wife the same things he's telling you? Why won't he put a date for your wedding? It's all very sketchy... and that's without even considering whether he had a child with this woman too!

Finally, I believe that you decide how you want to be treated. If you don't think the fact that he lies to you and constantly moves your wedding date further is wrong or hurtful or disrespectful to you, then by all means stay with him and let him get away with it. But if you do feel slighted and mistreated, you owe YOURSELF the respect to move on or at least make him realize the gravity of his actions. If you let him get away with it, he will think that it's ok for him to do certain things that frankly should not happen in a relationship.

You are still very young -heck, I'm 26 and I'm still young as well- and the world has so much more to offer to you, in love and everywhere else. Don't settle for someone that doesn't treat you with respect and honesty, because those are two very minumal prerequisites for a healthy relationship.

- - - Updated - - -

Oh and one last thing; nobody here knows the situation you are in better than you do. We won't be able to tell you, facts in hand, whether or not he will leave this wife of his or whether he will set a date for your wedding or whether he is lying or whether he had a child with this woman or whether he lied to her too... that's outside of anyone's power.

My feedback is more towards how you must be feeling in this situation and what you are willing to live with in a relationship and a life.

If it wasn't you all of this was happening to but a dear friend or sibling, would you tell them to stay or to go?

[amberXnight]

I think you are right.. the problem with me and the way it got this far in the first place is that I always give people there space, I never ask people ( friends, family, anyone for that matter) personal question. I just find it to be kind of rude and have always waited for them to open up to me on their own.. I guess I was expecting him to open up to me eventually if he really loved me. But seeing as he has only gotten more guarded about his personal ordeals, I don't think he ever will..�� and I just can't stand that. And its like these things only involve him now... I don't think I should have to feel guilty for wanting to know his past( he acts like I'm prying into something I shouldn't )
Thanks for taking the time to reply ❤

Hey,

so sorry you are going through this, I'm sure it must have been a very stressful year for you.

Honestly, if you can't trust him there is no sense in being in the relationship in the first place. Whether he is truthful or not -in my modest opinion he sounds like a bag of shit- you have to live a life where you'll constantly be wondering whether he's lying to you or keeping something from you. It's especially tough when this has been the first few years of your relationship... things won't get better from here. On top of that you have a 20 year difference, in which he should have matured and understood how important it is to be honest with people he cares about.

If he married into the country -that seems to be what you're talking about- he sounds like even more of a shady guy. And he started dating you before you were 18, which makes the age age difference even more shocking and would explain why he didn't tell you up until you had been together for a third of a year. He sounds manipulative as hell amberXnight, and you do deserve better. I'm not saying that all older men want to take advantage of younger women, but in your case there are just too many alarm signs of the fact that this man is not being honest with you. Do you believe what he says to you in general? What if he's telling his wife the same things he's telling you? Why won't he put a date for your wedding? It's all very sketchy... and that's without even considering whether he had a child with this woman too!

Finally, I believe that you decide how you want to be treated. If you don't think the fact that he lies to you and constantly moves your wedding date further is wrong or hurtful or disrespectful to you, then by all means stay with him and let him get away with it. But if you do feel slighted and mistreated, you owe YOURSELF the respect to move on or at least make him realize the gravity of his actions. If you let him get away with it, he will think that it's ok for him to do certain things that frankly should not happen in a relationship.

You are still very young -heck, I'm 26 and I'm still young as well- and the world has so much more to offer to you, in love and everywhere else. Don't settle for someone that doesn't treat you with respect and honesty, because those are two very minumal prerequisites for a healthy relationship.

- - - Updated - - -

Oh and one last thing; nobody here knows the situation you are in better than you do. We won't be able to tell you, facts in hand, whether or not he will leave this wife of his or whether he will set a date for your wedding or whether he is lying or whether he had a child with this woman or whether he lied to her too... that's outside of anyone's power.

My feedback is more towards how you must be feeling in this situation and what you are willing to live with in a relationship and a life.

If it wasn't you all of this was happening to but a dear friend or sibling, would you tell them to stay or to go?

[TheEvilJester]

You have been given a lot of great advice here, so for once I don't have all that much to add. I will say this... Divorce CAN be a long process and can be very frustrating. So, just the fact that his divorce has been somewhat dragging along isn't necessarily all that bad a sign.

....But the lying is what, to me, is unacceptable. This may have technically been more of a "lie by omission" but this is a BIG deal. The fact that he was still presently married (whether or not he's sincere about ending it) is NOT something it is okay to hide from somebody you are seriously dating. And it is CERTAINLY not okay for him to have proposed to you without having already told you about this.

Your snooping was probably not the best idea.... but I can't really blame you. He sort of didn't give you any other option. I'm not condoning snooping, I am just saying he is really more to blame than you are for that happening. Ultimately, you will have to decide if you believe he is being sincere and you will have to decide if he is worth the patience. Even if you decide he IS, you should still have a reasonable time frame in your own mind where enough is enough and you will move on if nothing changes.

All that said, if I were you, I'd have personally already hit that moment long ago. Again, though, you have to do what is right for you. Just saying that would be my personal advice.

[elisemies]

amberXnight, I get that you are a more reserved person and that you don't like to pry -though you kind of did when you looked into his stuff, right?

Look, no judgement here, since when somebody is hiding something it makes you want to become a detective and in this case for good reason. I also don't think you should ever snoop -however I'd be lying if I said I never did it myself- because it's just a sign of something being wrong within the relationship. In your case I would say that your instincts are clearly telling you not to trust this guy, no matter how much you love him.

Look, I want to be very candid here; I think he is taking advantage of you and trying to gaslight you into believing that knowing basic stuff -aka whether he's married or not- about your fiancee is somehow wrong. I think you should leave him right now and never look back. But that's just me.

As a side note about you not liking to ask about people's personal lives, I'd like to say a couple of things here too.
I think it's quite normal to be less assertive when younger, and you'll probably learn to stand up more for yourself in time. But just know that asking people -respectfully, directly, kindly- about their lives is a sign of caring and done the wright way there's absolutely nothing wrong about it. The other person has the right not to answer but you asking doesn't make you a crazy curious busybody, meddler or snoop. It's especially bad when you have that curiosity and would like to know, but that curiosity does not get satisfied and pushes you to start looking into people's stuff behind your back. THAT's the part that becomes bad, not the asking in an honest and caring way.
In general, nobody likes snooping or pushing someone for answers. It's not enjoyable to make someone feel uncomfortable or pushed into a corner.
I would really advise you to get rid of the judgemental voices in your head that tell you that asking someone about their lives -someone close to you, who you care about very much- is somehow bad. It really isn't.

[Hooo!]

When you talk to your partner don’t usually „call them out“
You don’t need evidence
You can just state your feeling and go from there
You don’t have to blame anyone or something
You want to resolve an issue?
If you don’t then quit the relationship

[amberXnight]

I never thought of it like that before. But your right. Asking personal questions when done right is sign of care.. like when my sister tells me I look tires and asks if I'm okay.