Trouble with co-parenting after divorce

[Weston71]

Hi - so my ex wife and I separated and divorced a while ago. I then met someone new and remarried after a time, she left me for someone else and is getting married very soon. We had 1 son together with whom I enjoy visitation and staying contact every fortnight for 2 days and nights. My new wife has 2 children from a previous and so these are my step children. She has a boy who is 14 and a daughter of 9 and the same age as my son who visits us, as I say every fortnight.

My wife has raised 2 very bright, mature and independent children, they can both cook, are highly academic and performing very well at school and have impeccable social skills and etiquette, they are a credit to her.

The issue is that her children are very capable and well behaved and can be trusted even at 9 and 14 to be left in the house for short periods alone. The 14 year old regularly sits with his sister while errands are run, shopping at the local supermarket, nipping into town for a hair cut or an appointment etc. and are very capable. We have just let the 9 year old daughter begin walking to the corner shop on her own and ride up to school in the mornings alone too. She loves the independence and is gaining in confidence as a result, she was a shy child.

With my son coming to visit we also try to instill these freedoms in him, we allowed him and his step sister to walk to the shop together, it's maybe 50-70 yards from the house on the same side of the road in which we live, and just around the corner with no roads to cross. We went shopping later that day and left the 14 year old in charge, now he is a very mature bright lad who has won awards in school and is touted by his school to attend Oxford if he wished, so he is a very capable and mature lad and I have no issue with him 'babysitting' for an hour or so. However....

When my son got home to his mother it was not long before I got some abusive texts from my ex wife belittling my parenting by allowing him to walk to the shop 'alone' (he was not alone but with his step sister), slating my wife for her parenting skills and telling me I was not to allow 'her son' (meaning our son) to be at home without me present or she would cease the contact.. we currently do not have a contact order, but through mediation years ago, came to the current arrangement.

I feel it is normal to allow 9 year olds to be able to walk to the corner shop unaided and that it is fine for a teen 14+ to babysit as long as you are confident in their ability and maturity. So my question is, as there is no specific law, where I live, that says I am in the wrong for allowing my son to walk to a shop or for a teen to babysit in my absence (although if the sitter is under 16 anything that goes wrong is my legal responsibility), how should I respond to my ex wife who is dictating and threatening mine and my sons contact and what is acceptable for me to do in my time with him? Do I say nothing or challenge her 'politely' citing that there is no illegality in what I am doing? It has to be said my son enjoys the freedoms my new wife and I give him and I believe fosters maturity, confidence and independence but my ex is so afraid a over protective that she wants to control things even when she is not present.

Am I incorrect for allowing these behaviors or behaving this way myself or is this a step to far from my ex from her own fears and issues?

[Snow White]

I do not think you are "wrong" but, as a mom I can understand your ex being a bit over protective. I wouldn't have a problem with the 14 year old babysitting, but I might be a bit nervous with him walking with another 9 year old alone just because of what a scary world it can be. Teaching them about predators and making sure they can reach you at any time is important.

I think you need to have a civil, respectful chat with your ex. Assure her you would never put your son in any type of danger. Explain to her the confidence you have in the 14 year old and that you feel the little walk to the store is very safe and good for your son's independence. Let her know you respect her feelings and realize even though he is 9, he is still her baby. Don't compare her parenting skills to your new wife's.

Talk to her with lots of respect and understanding and maybe even involve your son with how he feels about the situation.