breakup or just a break?

[jasonhebert]

Ok I know most people come on here and say their situation is "special". And maybe mine's not but it DOES have a lot of moving parts.

So last year around christmas I went on a date with one of the most incredible humans I have ever met. We connected right away, she came up to my apartment and we spent the night having sex, talking about life and the universe and all kinds of other awesome nerdy shit. She wasn't really looking for a relationship, honestly neither was I. We were both about year out of a long term relationship. (i am recently divorced and she left her ex / baby daddy) but we were drawn to each other. Before we knew it we were full blown dating and falling in love. I have never experienced such a healthy, fun relationship in my life. We gave each other space, she's super ambitious with her work, her volunteering and her daughter. I am busy running my marketing agency working 12 hours a day. But we always found time for each other. We were planning on taking over the world together as cheesy as that sounds.

Anyways, so just before we became "official" I got a jarring phone call from a women I had a couple dates with before I met my gf. She was pregnant and wanted to keep the child. Not part of my plan, i was panicked and was sure katie would leave me.. Not what she signed up for. But she was actually excited about it, we joked around about having our little modern family with my daughter and her daughter. I have a very positive relationship with the baby momma, it's actually nice that we never hurt each other and we can be amicable while raising a kid together. So the time flies by, lots of fantastic trips I got to know her beautiful daughter. She's just the best, and of course my baby's due date getting closer and closer. About a week or so ago (just a few days out from my baby's due date) . I spent the weekend with her and her daughter then I went out for dinner with the gf and the baby momma . This isn't the first time they've met, they really wanted to get to know each other going forward and they actually seemed to get along great. That night we went home, I helped her build a blog, we cuddled in bed and had a great evening. She did say something weird, she asked why me and the baby momma didn't want to work things out cause she's "pretty awesome". I kinda was dismissive about this cause we had talked about this before. I just have no chemistry with her and I'm very grateful that we don't really have any baggage so it'll make raising a child so much better. The next morning she was different. She told me she felt anxious, she told me she loved me and took off to work. I brought her a coffee later on and she seemed much better.

Then the next few days she seemed distant.. i could feel that something was off. Then I get the dreaded "we need to talk" text. We meet up and she says she's not sure if she get's those "butterflies" for me and wants to break up. She's pretty straightforward and harsh but still kind at the same time about if that makes sense. She told me I was the perfect boyfriend and did absolutley nothing wrong but she's looking for someone exactly like me that gives her that punch you in the stomach love that she's not feeling anymore. Then she went on about how this had nothing to do with the baby and that was a reason why she'd want to stay. I asked her if she was sure this is what she wanted and she said she's absolutely not sure at all and needs some time to think about it. She still wanted to me to tell her when my baby was born.

I ran into her the other day and it was awkward, kinda like we both forgot for a second. I made the mistake of sending her a long text about how I feel but tried to correct it and started no contact (aside from letting her know about the baby which I did the other day when she was born with a couple pictures) . Today I noticed she deleted all the pictures of us on her instagram and unfollowed me. I unfollowed her too. Seems like the right thing to do... how can you properly think if you keep seeing your ex in your feed.

I know what she told me but am I crazy to think that this has everything to do with her getting cold feet about the baby? Or should I take her at face value and just move on. We never had a lull, it was full blown love, hot sex and making plans for the future, we talked about business, our goals everything.

This is the first time I have ever experienced a blindsided breakup. Usually you can feel it brewing for a bit. this was very out of the blue which really leads me to think it's cold feet but she didn't want to sound shitty and say that cause she didn't want to go back on saying she was cool with the baby. I mean if that's it I totally get it, it's a lot to ask of anyone and maybe she feels like she wants to get out of the way in case I want to try to make things work with the baby momma (never gonna happen btw) . I'm continuing with no contact for now, I hope she comes around I was really looking forward to completely killing it with her and building an awesome life together. Any thoughts are welcome.

[nerdy_guy]

I think the problem is that, you have a baby coming from another woman, and you don't seemed bothered by it, she wanted you to try to fix things with the mom yet you dismissed it like it was nothing. She sees herself in that position and makes her wonder how you would treat her long term. You can't just tell her that it is different with the pregnant girl and her. it doesn't work that way

[jasonhebert]

could be although I'm not sure what I'd "fix" . I have a positive relationship with this woman, we're friends but not like hang out all the time inappropriate friends. More like friendly acquaintances that don't feel the need to fight. It's very much a great position to be in considering the alternative of forcing a relationship have it not work and be bitter ex's doing the whole ex's sharing custody trying to **** each other over thing. I know she is not interested in anything romantic with me and I am not interested in anything romantic with her. And my girl knew about this throughout the entire pregnancy so it's not like it's shock, not like there was any overlap or cheating I was 100% upfront and honest. That being said I do regret not taking the time to properly address the issue. I assumed we had been over it enough times.

I am excited to be a father even if it's not the most ideal circumstance. Me and my gf talked all the time about our little modern family with me, her, my daughter and her daughter. She knew what she was getting into at least i think she did. Maybe not.

I mean it is completely different, I have a girl who I went on a date with one time and a girl that I am seeing and that I am in love with... it's completely not even close to the same. The baby isn't the same as the relationship with the mom. I know a lot of people disagree but staying together for the kids is such a terrible, counter productive way of doing things that sends a really shitty message to my new daughter. Not gonna do that.

[nerdy_guy]

Here is the thing, if i look at your post, it comes out like you made someone pregnant, decided its not for you, moved on to the next without thinking of your responsibilities. And when confronted about it, your just brushed it off like it was nothing. It may or may not be the case, but its not about what you think, its about what she thinks. You make it feel as if relationships are easy and cheap

[jasonhebert]

Not at all. I'm going to be there for my daughter, I'm excited about it. I just don't want to force a relationship with the baby mom because we both know it won't work. Especially since I met what felt like the perfect person for me. Also I don't know if you properly read what I wrote. I told her about it pretty much as soon as I knew and we continued with our relationship for the next 8 months knowing that I have a baby coming. We were already in the beginnings of our relationship when I found out so it's not like i sprung it on her a few days before it happened. If you're one of those that think you have to stay in a relationship that doesn't work just for the kid then you're definitely not the type of person i need advice from (no offence we just have different views on life and my ex would agree with that) . I was hoping to get a female perspective which is why i posted in this forum lol.

[nerdy_guy]

Actually, it's your perfect person that said you should talk to the baby's mom, i don't really care how you view women you impregnate or the child she carries. Yes you didn't surprise her, and you've already talked about it before which means it bothers her that you don't seem to care. How she sees things and how you see them are quite different, that is why she wanted to talk to you about it again, and you made a nice move by dismissing the topic that matters a lot to this person especially when she herself has a daughter she's raising by herself.

By the way,

you're definitely not the type of person i need advice from

your not exactly looking for advice. You're just looking for a woman who'll condone whatever you're doing. Hopefully you'll find one here who'll support you

[Snow White]

First, I would like to say I respect you for stepping up and supporting the woman you impregnated even though you only dated a couple of times. Of course, that is the right thing anyone should do, but that doesn't always happen. I think your girlfriend also tried her best to accept the situation and be cool about the whole thing, but in the long run, she just couldn't handle it.

I think it may be a matter of insecurity. Perhaps the father of her child has not been as supportive of her as you have been of your ex. Personally, seeing a man who steps up and can be amicable and respectful with his ex is a great thing, but again, it can feel threatening if you are insecure. She made her choice and it's best to find out now rather than when it came time when you wanted to spend time with your child and the mother at special occasions and she gave you a hard time about
it.

I think she truly had good intentions, but just couldn't deal with it.

[jasonhebert]

Thank you although I don't need any praise for doing what any respectable human being should do. My baby girl was born a few days ago and she is just absolutely amazing. I just wish my ex could have met her, she would have fallen in love too!

Yeah she definitely has some issues with the father of her child, nothing too insane he definitely loves his little girl but it has been a rocky road for her. I tend to agree with you. It's almost like a switch went off with her and it so happened to be right after seeing a very pregnant girl days away from giving birth to my baby. It's almost insane to think that is a coincidence. I've decided that I will just not contact her let her miss me and see if we can revisit things later when things cool down a bit. But i'm not going to wait around for her, I'll just move on with my life. If she comes back and we work things out we might be stronger than ever but if not you're absolutely right it's better to know now then later. She can break my heart all she wants but she cannot break my daughters heart. Not gonna let that happen. She is an absolutely beautiful soul and i have no doubts that she had the best intentions and she really did love me but this is a lot to ask of anyone.

[Snow White]

Congratulations!!! I am so happy for you. You seem like you will be a great dad for a baby girl. What I mean by that is a girl will really look to her dad as to how he treats women. I know you said you didn't need any praise, but I'm going to give it to you anyway. You could have easily given in to your own needs and your love for that woman, but you didn't. You treated your baby mama with respect and kindness even though it seems you didn't know her that well.

I will tell you from first hand experience, you are the man that your daughter will base her future choices of a man on. Having a child to love and raise is the most beautiful and most difficult thing in the world. I sincerely wish you all the best. If there is ever a woman who is threatened by your daughter's mom, it's best to steer clear, but I think you really don't need me to tell you that. I am so happy for you and I think your daughter is very blessed to have parents who are mature enough to set aside any differences and work together to give her love and security.

[jasonhebert]

Thank you for those kind words. Really made my day. You hit it on the head, I feel an enormous amount of respect for my ex for stepping away if she wasn't sure. Don't get me wrong I love her and would love to build a life with her but I also realize this can't be easy on her either and if she's not sure then it's best we're not together. Even if it breaks my heart . (wow those emojis are scary as ****!!) . She has to think about her daughter too. Anyways, you are a super kind person and your words meant a lot to me. Thank you.

[jasonhebert]

ok an update,

She came over last night to pick up her things and this time it was even worse than the breakup. Started off with a bit of small talk which is what I was expected. She had just gotten out of a shower. (she lives 20 minutes away so she must have been at someone else's house) But that's fine, we're not together she can do what she wants. So she sits down and asks me about my baby and then I asked her how her daughter is doing. A bit of talk about what we've been up to. All going exactly how i thought, then she sat on the couch. I could tell she wanted to talk and she started talking about us and I cut her off and told her i'm not ready to talk about that. She said ok but then just started unloading on me. Again trying to reassure me I did nothing wrong which I told her i already knew. Then she went on about how she never loved me, she was lying to herself about it and how the sex wasn't great (which is a lie, honestly I have never experienced a woman who orgasmed that many times and sometimes would her entire body would be convulsing as she'd tell me how much she loves me and that was almost every time...too much info i know.) . She was calm and dead faced when she was saying she never should have dated me and made all these plans with me and that maybe she kinda loved me but not enough. Then we kissed and she said maybe she's immature and doesn't know what she wants....then back to that she was sure about her decision then we kissed again and she left. She said some things that I feel like weren't necessary. We have already broken up and this feels like we broke up again. She's obviously trying to hurt me. Needless to say she's not the woman i thought she was... i didn't think she'd be one to play games. I didn't think she'd try to dismiss our entire relationship as an experiment that she "learnt a lot from". I'm very hurt but it's obvious i need to move on.