Can My Relationship And Happiness Be Salvaged?

[deadoralive4]

So to start off this is my first post here since I joined just recently. I get advice from people in my life but they're all my age and have their own opinions. This might be a long post that might seem like a rant so you don't have to read but I'm just looking for some advice and piece of mind.

So I met my girlfriend 2 months ago on a snap chat extension app (romantic right). Come to find out she lives in the same town as me and she went to the same school as me just a year younger. Also, we shared common friends. It seemed like fate that I met her. We started talking more and eventually started having feelings for each other. She had about a month and a half left before she was going to a college 12 hours away from where I'm at in my hometown. I knew we probably shouldn't have started anything in retrospect but over time We fell in love with each other. This is my first serious relationship at 19 (sad I know). I'm really bad at socializing and my depression controls my life, slight things make me sad and moody. Despite all this we dated and made the most out of the time we had left and decided we would do long distance. We had a positive relationship, she became my first everything, my first kiss, my first cuddle, my first time in sex. It wasn't just infatuation I became deeply in love with her, not some childish puppy love but genuine love. I've never experienced this before true but it's a feeling I can't describe. She's not generic like everyone else, she has flaws and she knows it, she's not a slut, she's not her own person.

But enough about that, ever since she moved things have been hard. We get into a lot of altercations. And like I mean a lot. It's all stupid stuff, one person says one thing or accidentally offends the other, or there's some insecurity. In the begging I was just frustrated with it all, and eventually I just broke down. Every time we fight now it gets deep and I hurt so much. My depression makes me already feel like I'm worthless and that no one truly cares about me, and when she says something, recently for example, "I don't need you" it crushed me. I love her and I want to work things out, I'm trying. Not out of desperation but because I genuinely do think there's a possible future with her. The problem is, she has a tendency to act childish. She wants me to tell her how I feel and try to understand my depression and I, but every time I do and it's something she doesn't agree with she just blows up in my face. It seems like to me she's bipolar, she's either really happy or really dead inside. Her moods switch almost instantly depending on what I say and do or what I don't. Like I said I'm trying to work things out, but I'm young and still not matured completely. She says she'll try but the next day, week, etc. the cycle continues. I don't know what to do it just seems like she says she wants things to be good and happy but she won't put the effort to do so. I'm not perfect, I get easily offended, i'm sensitive, and I can act like a baby at times too. But I always try and take a step back after and realize how I affect others. I can't give her time to calm down when we're fighting because the longer I don't message her the angrier she gets. I don't know does this whole thing seem impossible, or can something be done. I don't like giving up on things, especially people. I realize there's other girls out there but I've been single 19 years because I wasn't interested in any of them apart from their looks. My heart hurts after every altercation and it's chickening me. She'll say things she doesn't mean like "just leave me" or "I don't need you" or " you don't really love me". It makes me feel like a pest that's just buzzing around her. But then when she calms down and things are better she says she was just frustrated. But the effects of those words don't go away. Right now she did something I asked her not to do yesterday because it bothered me and I asked her to stop, then she proceeds to egg me on and not try to let things go. I asked her what she wants and the last thing she said was "Go away". This cycle is chickening me. I don't know what she want's or what she's truly thinking, especially because this is long distance it's so much harder to control these things. We would get over things easier in person just by being with each other but now, it's so hard. What do you guys think? Am I a fool to try and mend this and make something out of it, or is there a future that could happen here? Any serious advice would be appreciated, thanks.

[GLYC]

I know this isn't the response you're going to want to hear. But distance is very difficult.

You're 19, you had 2 months with her, now she's in college. 12 hours away. In my opinion, if it continues to be difficult, split amicably. No hard feelings, just knowing it's for the best. No bridges burned. It's the best chance at reopening things at a later time when things are more convenient. Although you never know by then both or one of you may have moved onto a new lover.

Have I seen this work out for people? I have, but people had to relocate after a while. Since you've known her for 2 months, I wouldnt say that's a option. Because just a secret, but people can generally hide their worst self initially, but later it sometimes comes out. It wouldn't be worth it likely in your case.

It's your call. Personally, ive tried to do long distance with someone that lived far away and I didn't have much time with, its tough. When a disagreement happens, and schedules for meeting up conflict, its hard to manage. I think the right two people can make it work.

I'm like you, I generally don't like to give up, but there are times when it's our best option, even if we don't really want to. That's part of just being real about things. I wouldnt even really consider it giving up, it can at times just be what's for the best. Its a strength to be able to walk away, giving up implies something much more negative. Sometimes some relationships just aren't working out, it happens, and that's okay. Sometimes you win, and sometimes you lose, the fate thing is funny. However, fate also drove her apart from you (her college plans 12 hours away). It's almost like it gave you a taste just to play with you. I've been there. Timing is so essential with relationships, and this was just really bad timing. The truth is, even if it fails, the fate part is that it's destined to provide you with a lesson. Some people are only meant to be in our lives for a short period of time, but they will provide you with a gift, a token of knowledge on how to improve any difficulties you had in this relationship with the next relationship you participate in.

Her comments are a red flag, the I don't need you, you dont love me, etc. You sound like a great guy. I'm sure she's insecure, or else she wouldn't say these things. There's a chance eventually she'll just cut you off. Insecure people have a tendency to self sabotage their own relationships. She's making drama. You've handled it all well, or at least reasonably well, which is why it's survived.

" I get easily offended, i'm sensitive, and I can act like a baby at times"
Work on this, it's okay to be honest about what you feel. But you also have to remind yourself that you're the guy in the relationship, you need to be the pillar of strength and not let things phase you as much. It's difficult but you get better at it. You need to be logical and objective at times. Developing emotional control is difficult, but once you get it, you will become a whole new level of a man.

[deadoralive4]

Thanks for all your advice and kind words. Inevitability the last thing she said to me wasn't just out of frustration. She broke up with me. Like one of you said she was my first at everything. I tried so hard to fix things, and at the very end I clinged on to the relationship as she kept telling me no. It's over. I don't know if it'll ever be the safe, I'm broken inside. I was recently jealous of a new guy friend she made that she played video games with instead of me, she said she had no attraction for him whatsoever. But now that things are over I can't stop thinking what could happen, and if this guy could have played a part in this. I keep thinking what if I didn't say something, we would still be together. We were all lovey dovey yesterday and because I chose to tell her how I felt about something she said she couldn't anymore. I just wish I could go back in time. This just really hurts. I gave her a lot, let her into my life, which I rarely do because i'm afraid of being hurt like right now, she met my friends my family. We'd do so much together, we planned the future, getting married having kids. And now it's all gone. I know there were a lot of problems but I wanted to fix them with her. I don't know if she'll come back to me or not, but I don't know what to do. She was apart of my life, all until now, I just can't believe or accept it. I'm usually sad so this just completely broke me. I just wish all this pain would go away. It's like 2 months were all for nothing, had I known this would happen, would I have really gone through with this? Sorry for the ranting but I just feel like everything is gone. Thanks for the response again.

[GLYC]

You're welcome.

Well, confronting her wasnt a bad thing. When someone's blowing you off to hang out with another guy, and it's your girlfriend, its a keen prompt that a talk is needed.
You need to have boundaries, you had boundaries, so don't bash yourself for that.
The key is to make sure how to properly confront a woman, and that's without directly attacking her or swearing at her, the key is to use phrases like "I feel disrespected.. When you do this, it seems unfair to me, etc." Honestly, I'm sure you did fine.

You think it's all your fault, it wasnt. She has issues, I can tell by reading your responses.
Does that necessarily mean that she's a bad person? No. But her issues are going to get in the way of her falling into a longterm healthy relationship.

I'm actually glad it's over with. She's insecure, that's why things seemed to be all good, and then suddenly she just dropped you when conflict arose. That's what insecure people do, they run into trouble and rather than choosing to communicate, they prefer just to drop things or label them as being over with. And at times, they're probably walking away from situations and people that were actually great individuals for them. It doesnt feel fair for you. BUT that's their choice, and we have to accept it.

The marriage thing and kid thing, dont worry so much about all that "what if" talk, this isn't the kind of woman that makes dating easy and effortless, which is 100x better than this. Plus, this was quite early. You got a taste of what things could be like. You never found anybody you liked this much and had mutual chemistry/attraction with. So its easy to get lost in everything.

However, on the spin. Look at yourself, reexamine yourself, what could you have done better? That's what you need to improve on.
In some ways,I think you probably have some of the problems I had when I was younger. Some insecurity and neediness. When you're matched with someone like this woman, it will expose all of those flaws and amplify them because she's helping create stressful and negative situations. It's going to bring that out in a person.

And. Reexamine what you did well. You were caring and appreciate of her, which is a plus. Women need that in a man. You communicated properly. And im sure, theres many many other things.

What you do is you walk away. It sounds like you made it obvious that you wanted to work things out, and she didn't. So you walk.
It takes two to tango. She already knows where you stand. The best way is to say what you want, and walk away. That tells you everything and it leaves the best chance for them to reconnect with you. As you've left the communication lines open for them. I don't know if you necessarily have to do that since it sounds like you made it obvious you wanted her back.

[deadoralive4]

Wow that was really eye opening, thanks. Yeah I've done exactly what you're said a few days ago immediately when she broke up with me. I said "If you want to be apart of something romantic again and start over then contact me again. Unless it's for that don't contact me for any other reason please. I'm just living my life, if you want to be apart of it it's up to you. Bye." Honestly I could have revised that, but basically what I was saying is that I moved forward and "leave the door open" like you said. Obviously I still want her back. In this day an age isn't it truly hard to find someone you genuinely love? Honestly I see some of my self in her, the good and the bad. Her insecurity and moodiness is like mine, just worse, I know that. I'm also not gunna stand for being treated any certain way anymore. I'd make an honest attempt to fix my mistakes and work on myself as a person, and in turn hopefully that will help the relationship. Obviously I can't control what she does, but I can control what I do and how I interact with her. As you've said I let things get to me, I need to work on that. Also, I did have the tendency to blow up in her face at times, not name calling or saying really bad things bud I think i'd blame her for a lot and not own up to it. Either way I think this was for the best regardless of the outcome, I've been learning a lot.

Going back to me leaving the lines open, after I said that she's been blowing up my phone and I haven't said a word. First it was something like "it doesn't have to be this way" then eventually she just kept texting me my name. And finally she said "Babe with hearts". There's something called the no contact method i'm sure you've heard of it, that's what I was trying to do. If she really did care about my at least over 50 percent, she'd come back. I hope that doesn't seem manipulative, trying to make her gain attraction by ignoring her and being scarce. Either way, I'm going to respond to her in a few hours. My friend's been through a lot too and knows women a lot better than I do. If you have any advice on what I should say to her when I finally reply that'd be nice, "unless by that time it already happened lol which is fine". I'm trying to get back with her obviously, and by the looks of it she does to. People break up because of a problem I know. A broken car in the garage will still be broken no matter how long you keep it there and when you try to drive it, it still won't start. This whole thing has made me reevaluate things. I'll do what I can to improve myself and mend things, and if she doesn't feel the same way or wants to try then i'm out. But if she does, that's great. Wish me luck....lol. If you have any advice on long distance to keep the attraction up let me know, assuming this all works out. I'll let you know how things go afterwords if you care haha. Thanks again man.

[GLYC]

First off. Good job. That response was really good, basically perfect. You spoke your truth. I maybe would have tweaked it slightly, and left out the "never contact me for any other reason" part, but at the same time, that is what you really want. Sometimes I just like to be a little more easygoing sounding, but that's just me.
You kept communications open, you expressed what you want,and you told her to let you know if she ever felt the same, that's all you needed to do.

You're a very mature guy for being 19, you're going to have some really great relationships throughout your life.
You have a very constructive and self- criticizing mindset, that is so valuable to have. Some people lack that.
You recognized some occurring faults on her part, but instead* you focused on what you did wrong and what you could improve.
That's awesome.

Yes, it is rare to genuinely find love, or just moreso, someone that you share a great physical attraction and great chemistry with. That doesn't come along every day.
But the idea of there being "The One" for each of us, is in my opinion, a myth. There's a lot of partners out there that we can connect well with.

With disagreements. Yeah, it's important not to blame your lover entirely. It comes off as an attack, puts them on the defensive and it just makes things worse. Even in situations where the fault might be 99%(her fault)/1%(your fault), look at the entire issue, what are the possible underlying problems causing this? Just an example, you could identify that maybe it's miscommunication or a lack of communication or maybe it really is a lack of respect.

I'm not saying for you to take all the blame or that she isnt at any fault or to kiss her butt. Its important to use the method i spoke about in my earlier post, by confronting certain things that are happening in a good manner. But It's also important to ask quality questions with women, like "what do you mean?" and getting her to open up and elaborate. At the end, you both can just apologize for your roles and move on. Maybe you didn't even do anything wrong, but she feels hurt because of the disagreement. Just comfort her. Be empathetic, its okay to apologize to women. If it was just a misunderstandingor you feel like you could have done some things better, I would apologize as well. Afterwords, I typically flip the conversation around and make her comfortable again, I use humor and by the end of it, shes feeling good again. That works quite well. Anyways, use that for future disagreements. And always remember this, it's better to say nothing when you're in a highly agitated emotional state than to say something that you will regret later. You can always take a day and reapproach things or continue the discussion. Just communicate that you need some time to yourself but you're happy to discuss it later. Of course, like you said, you can only handle how you show up.
No method guarantees anything. But a healthy woman that does want things to work out would do well with this.

The no contact method is great. Some people improperly use it though. Improper usage is ignoring the person when theyre reaching out, that's called "stonewalling" , that's just rude. Don't do that. A lot of mental health experts actually consider that to be a form of emotional abuse. That's basically a punishing tool and it's childish.

It's not manipulative if she isn't reaching out. Why would you continue reaching out to someone that doesn't want you? If anything, you're being respectful of that person's boundaries and displaying self respect for yourself.

Long distance is tough. You can schedule Skype dates, that's your best option. And also, schedule meet ups. Like maybe you'll see her in a month, in the meantime, you're doing Skype dates every now and then. I think that's important. Skype is the closest you can get to a real interaction.

As for what to say, I would stick to your guns. You told her to let you know if she wants to work things out.* So I would take what she's saying as that she wants to work things out and run with that. You could focus on when shes next available to see you. It works best to discuss stuff in person but sometimes that isn't an option, unfortunately.

And yes, if she isn't open to fixing things or doesn't want romance, just stick to your guns. Your here for romance, not friendship.

Let me know how it goes.
It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders, you got this. I'm confident you'll know how to handle this.

[deadoralive4]

Thanks, yeah I try to be honest with people and most importantly myself. I've made mistakes we both have. But I think those fundamentally are fixable. Right now I called her like I said I would because she kept reaching out to me due to no contact. We talked on the phone, I explained calmly about what went wrong and that I can't change or make her do anything, but at the same time I can't change how I feel about you either, I'm either with a relationship with you or not. I'm not settling for anything else. She said at one point "why can't we be friends" and that really messed my vibe up but I stayed calm and explained how i'm growing and changing. It's not just talk either, I will show you through my actions should you choose to be with me and try things out with the more advised me. She said : how can I know things will change and that we'll stop fighting, it doesn't seem like they will, I don't want to be hurt again". At that point I calmly said you have every right to feel that as nothing changed, but after this time apart,soul searching and thinking, I've decided to make a conscious effort in our relationship. Not being bothered by things that aren't supposed to be mean, taking things the wrong way, supporting you, ect. I layed everything out for her, I kinda made her laugh with one thing I said about my dad and change. Eventually she had to go to finish a school project so I didn't get to say everything, but the meat of it was there. She said she would think about it. I'm kind of worried, I know that nothing I can do now will change anything about what she wants. I've put everything on the table, now it's up to her to see if she want's to be apart of it and the new me and changes i'll bring. And that's the part that scares me, i'd give anything just to be with her again. Obviously I know my worth, i'm not gonna beg or grovel like a dog. But if this doesn't go out the way intended, I don't know man I'll be so broken inside for a while, I know I will. I know things can be improved to especially now that I know i'll make an effort. I was in control and I communicated the best I could. Should I leave things as they are and hear her out, or try to say something again.

- - - Updated - - -

Thanks, yeah I try to be honest with people and most importantly myself. I've made mistakes we both have. But I think those fundamentally are fixable. Right now I called her like I said I would because she kept reaching out to me due to no contact. We talked on the phone, I explained calmly about what went wrong and that I can't change or make her do anything, but at the same time I can't change how I feel about you either, I'm either with a relationship with you or not. I'm not settling for anything else. She said at one point "why can't we be friends" and that really messed my vibe up but I stayed calm and explained how i'm growing and changing. It's not just talk either, I will show you through my actions should you choose to be with me and try things out with the more advised me. She said : how can I know things will change and that we'll stop fighting, it doesn't seem like they will, I don't want to be hurt again". At that point I calmly said you have every right to feel that as nothing changed, but after this time apart,soul searching and thinking, I've decided to make a conscious effort in our relationship. Not being bothered by things that aren't supposed to be mean, taking things the wrong way, supporting you, ect. I layed everything out for her, I kinda made her laugh with one thing I said about my dad and change. Eventually she had to go to finish a school project so I didn't get to say everything, but the meat of it was there. She said she would think about it. I'm kind of worried, I know that nothing I can do now will change anything about what she wants. I've put everything on the table, now it's up to her to see if she want's to be apart of it and the new me and changes i'll bring. And that's the part that scares me, i'd give anything just to be with her again. Obviously I know my worth, i'm not gonna beg or grovel like a dog. But if this doesn't go out the way intended, I don't know man I'll be so broken inside for a while, I know I will. I know things can be improved to especially now that I know i'll make an effort. I was in control and I communicated the best I could. Should I leave things as they are and hear her out, or try to say something again.

Update

At first she still didn't want to be back together, but deep down and from what she was saying she didn't thought the same things would happen again. I didn't want to, but I linked her this post. It's lierally all my thoughts and perspective, as I felt this was the bect way to convey everything. It wasn't my intention to do that but I realized that's the only way. And after this we talked on the phone, and long story short she agreed to get back with me and grow and change alongside me. All in all this has been a great learning experience for me now and in the future. You can say you'll change and say things to them, but they won't actually believe you unless you show them. And this whole post was one huge example of me trying to change and fix things, I really think that's what did it. Thanks for everything up until this point, it means a lot. If I ever need anything else in the future I'll pm you if that's alright. Thanks again. I hope to continue being a better me.

[deadoralive4]

So I'm in deeper crap than before (if you remember me and my post) if tnot that's ok lol. If you're able to hear me out that'd be nice, I'm in a really bad situation/place now, thanks.

[GLYC]

I remember you, I was working on a reply to your previous post, which you took action before I could get back to you.
The only thing that concerns me is that the woman mentioned in your posts, can now see all of the advice, emotions and such, which can prevent things from really working correctly. Which is why I never responded.

My honest thoughts with what youre about to say are likely that you're making the effort to sustain the relationship, its not a 50/50. Or even close to that.
It's impossible to have a healthy relationship when you're all for it, and the other person is just like, "eh".

If it's with this woman, we would probably be better off emailing and I'll listen to you, but I really think that if things are worse than they were before, its likely over.
If it's a new woman, I'm all for hearing it.

[deadoralive4]

Thanks man, and no she isn't seeing this, I mean most people click on a link and then don't bother right? that's what happened here. She doesn't see any of this lol. But yeah it's still her if you let me know your email that'd be cool, as I can't pm here because you need like 15 posts? lol I don't know. But essentially she broke up with me again, over something I said, I felt like shit (still do) then never contacted her again, hoping either to get back with her or move on, then she contacted me after telling her not to, which leads to this new situation where she called me, listened to what I had to say and is conflicted (she fell asleep on the phone because she's exausted from school and apparently i'm comforting...lol). Basically just a summary, I could go more in depth over email if you want. I know I'm kind of complaining and sounds TLDR but you seem really experienced in this. Thanks.

[GLYC]

No, she will likely look at this. She seems unsure of things at times, if you think she doesn't look at your Facebook or other things, I think you're wrong.
Even if you didn't update this, she still might look at it.
When people have interest, they investigate. This forum would be a goldmine for her. Access to all your thoughts, what you're feeling, etc.
I've looked back at old flings social media's, etc when I haven't had interest, just out of curiosity. Same with old text messages, etc,

The PM system on this site is really bad regardless.
You can only type about a 100 characters which isn't much to describe an entire thing that's going on.

I made an email for you, and for other people to contact me in the future. GLYCloveforum@gmail.com
(The only downside is you will only get my perspective, but I'll read your response, I have a cool female friend that I discuss this stuff with all the time together with as well, shes read and listened to some of the same things I have, she likes doing it. So you kind of get the advice of two people sometimes.)

You're not complaining. And I have some knowledge and experience with it, ive read, watched and listened to hundreds of hours of advice, and experienced these things first hand. Like you, im also relatively young, 25, but having a pretty good mindset and a mature attitude that has allowed me to get ahead of things.

Every situation is unique however, and every person is unique. But if you follow some general principles and fundamentals you just kind of learn what works and what doesn't. Sometimes nothing will work, and at other times, you do a bunch of wrong things and it still works.

[deadoralive4]

Yeah, that's really helpful, I emailed you in case you don't know if it's me or not lol.