Does my girlfriend still love me?

**danielr** · 23-08-17, 08:46 AM

Hello guys,

This is my first post, and I'm looking for advise. I'll try to keep things as short as possible, here is the context:

She is 24, I'm 30. We met when she was 20 and I was 26. We have been into a relationship for about 3 years.
I'm a software engineer who travels often, she is an accountant, when we met she was still in the university.

At the beginning we texted each other all days and we met for coffee, lunch, dinner, just hugging, etc. It was a nice-beautiful experience that lasted about a year, she was really caring, talkative, etc. I offered her to move together, she asked me to wait until she finished her bachelor, I agreed.
One day I discovered she had been texting a guy (for about 4 months) and this guy was interested in her, they both were really close, she refused she had a BF. I confronted her and we broke.

6 months after that I met other girl who wanted a serious relationship. I had to call my ex-gf because I had so many question, mostly: "why did you do that?, I loved you".
I talked with my ex-gf, she said the problem was I traveled so often and one day we had an argument, this guy was just there. Available for her.
Anyway, she said she realized she wasn't interested in this guy, but in me. All this time she missed me and she confirmed she loved me. We started hanging out as friends, we agreed to met more people (I did, she didn't), later... we became BF-GF one more time. (This period lasted about 9months).

Time passed, she started her master degree and we had no time for us.
One day she took my phone and got jealous about a female friend I was close with.
We decided to take some time off.
A month later she called me to talk. She said she wanted a serious relationship, moving together in the future... I accepted.

Next day I started looking for an apartment. With the time I got one, the deal was: come and go as you want, you can be here as much as you want. My plan was to "test" if we could be together.
Anyway, time passed and we had more and more arguments.

2 months after that I made a trip with friends that lasted 1 month. In the middle of my trip she discovered she got HPV (thru me), she got cold and when I returned she disclosed this to me.
I was thinking in breaking her when I came back, but after the HPV thing I decided to stay with her and help her with the treatment. We were together for about 5 months: we had arguments frequently, she always punished me about bringing HPV to her life, had NO sex, etc. Obviously we had good days too, but there was a lot of blame over my shoulders. As I said, 5 months later we talked and we broke - I decided not to continue, so it was more my decision than hers.

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Update
I have been the unique person she have had sex with.
She runs the Papanicolaou test periodically on her, as any other girl. The results were fine, then we broke up and I dated other girl.
She always wanted sex without protection, I insisted about using condoms (knowing I was with someone else when we broke up). I tested myself against AIDS and some other stuff, I was clean, then we had unprotected sex.

When she got her Papanicolaou results there was something wrong, she did an additional test and found she got HPV (thru me).
She pushed all the blame on me. I said: I accept my responsibility, but not all of it should be on me. You were the one who insisted in having unprotected sex.

I believe this fact (getting HPV) has impacted in her personality and behavior with me. There is some resentment still there and she hasn't been able to forgive me.
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Time passed. 6 months later I called her. I missed her (mostly because I had an accident and I missed her affection).
We talked and she behaved totally different. She offered to start an "open relationship" and we could meet more people, I was interested in a serious relationship. Anyway, I accepted, but saying that we could move from there. It was a mess. I put a lot of effort, she didn't. We broke.

A month later we bumped into each other, we talked and that night, she was with me. We talked and decided to give it a try, giving all of us.
This time it looked like it worked, then... I had to travel (for a week ) because of my work, she got angry and said she wanted to take that week to think.
I came back... ready to break. We met, she said: "I realized I love you". I was like, whaaat? and said "thank you". Days later we met and talked, we both explained what we don't like about each other (nothing new, same things), I said, the problems with you are:

1. You are too sensitive.
e.g. Imagine you had a bad day and will go pick up her, the picking point is in the middle of downtown, with lots of traffic... then, you see her and say "jump in, be fast!", you are not being super friendly, but not rude. Well, she got sad and I hurt her feelings. The way I address her really really matters.

2. When you get angry you don't want to discuss it, not at that moment, not later.
I said, it will be really cool to discuss the problems and find a solution. .

3. She doesn't want to change... at all.
Several times we have faced situations were she wants A, I want C.
I'm really open to talk and say: ok, let's do A this time, and C next time. Or, ok... I don't want A, you don't want C, what about taking B, which is in the middle?.
She is not open to have this kind of talk.

4. The worst: each time she gets really really angry, she wants to break.
I have to wait until she calms down and then look for a solution. She never proposes a solution.
One day, she says she loves me, next day (we fight) and then she wants to break.

She agreed to put all of her to make the relationship work. To look for solutions and have proposals.
We agreed to try 1 month (her vacations).

We did... we had 1 "big" argument per week. Honestly, it was not the big thing. But she got angry and then exploded...then wanted to break.
Somehow I managed to find a solution and stay together.

We made a trip, she was not experimented traveling and made several mistakes. The biggest one: making me drive for about an hour in the opposite direction.
I was looking for a "hey, I'm sorry", but she didn't apologize all day long. We got angry...and then, she wanted to break. We had dinner and then, we talked, we stayed together.

We came back to our home city. And next week we attended a party (she invited me, but she required me to come late, that way she would have time to spend with her friends, she also said I could invite other friend).
I came late and invited a friend, as she said. When I saw her, I tried to kiss her, she refused.
Then, we danced, she refused to do X and Y. It wasn't funny.
I came to the table and talked with my friend.
The party was boring (for me and my friend), so we said... hey, we have been here, at your party for 2hrs, it's dying, we want to go to X place. She hesitated but came with us, 10 mins after we arrived to the place... she said she was tired, an hour later she wanted to go bed. It was still really early. My friend and I wanted to stay.
The idea was: going to her party, then meeting to go somewhere else, then go sleep at my place. But she used all her energy at her party. Now, she wanted to go sleep... either with me or with one of her female friends (that were at her party). We talked and we left. On the way to my flat we had an argument.

Next day she asked me for a time to think. A week later, she said she "loved me, but needed time and space for her and her activities"

We have met twice since then. We slept together and had sex. She still insists she loves me but she needs time.
Also, she says that it's great we don't fight. I agree with that.

Can you love someone and decide to stay away from her/him?
Can you love someone, but need time and space?

Do you think she loves me?
Is there future here? or am I wasting my time?
How should I behave? like: trying to find a solution or going away (not caring).
How should I address this situation?, I think we have future together, but really really need to find solutions and her personality doesn't allow it. She gets too emotional and doesn't want to talk about what she feels, she keeps that until she explodes.

Thank you

**nerdy_guy** · 23-08-17, 10:39 AM

It seems she just likes the thought of being in love. Its not right for her to look for a replacement of you each time you're not there for her. she's not committed to you, she just wants someone to love, and it seems anyone will do. She's young and she feels like she doesn't want to miss out on the single life. Its probable that she's talking to her girl friends who has the same mindset as her and its confusing her as what to do.

By the way, she's blaming the HPV on you and you readily accepted it? why? did you have a history of HPV yourself? if the answer is no, then you SERIOUSLY need to stop and rethink this whole relationship about a million times over

**danielr** · 24-08-17, 02:07 AM

Originally Posted by nerdy_guy

It seems she just likes the thought of being in love.

Yes, after a 6months break, we talked:
I asked what was love for her? she said it was feelings.
Then we discussed how we felt during all our previous relationship. She remarked the fact that at the very beginning things were easy and fluent. She thought in me all day long and she had a lot of initiative for meeting up. Also, she mentioned that when we were together she felt anesthetized. Her attitude, at that time, was more conciliatory.

I said well, that's normal, we were in love and all the chemicals did their job. Now, it was up to us, to consciously choosing the other and finding solutions to problems.

Originally Posted by nerdy_guy

By the way, she's blaming the HPV on you and you readily accepted it? why? did you have a history of HPV yourself? if the answer is no, then you SERIOUSLY need to stop and rethink this whole relationship about a million times over

I have been the unique person she have had sex with.
Our relationship lasted for several years and during all that time she ran the common tests on her. It was all fine, then we broke up...
I met someone else and we dated for a while, months later my ex (the girl in question) and I started dating again.
She always wanted sex without protection, I insisted about using condoms (knowing I was with someone else). I tested myself against AIDS and some other stuff, all clean, with the time we had unprotected sex.
Months later, she had a Papanicolaou screening and something was wrong. After one additional test, she found it was HPV.

**nerdy_guy** · 24-08-17, 10:29 AM

One day I discovered she had been texting a guy (for about 4 months) and this guy was interested in her, they both were really close, she refused she had a BF. I confronted her and we broke.

6 months after that I met other girl who wanted a serious relationship. I had to call my ex-gf because I had so many question, mostly: "why did you do that?, I loved you".
I talked with my ex-gf, she said the problem was I traveled so often and one day we had an argument, this guy was just there. Available for her.
Anyway, she said she realized she wasn't interested in this guy, but in me. All this time she missed me and she confirmed she loved me.

This Statement of yours does not coincide with her feelings for you. Love does not work that way. The moment you disappear and/or have a problem, she looks for a filler? texting for 4 months? have you been gone that long? either way its never acceptable NEVER acceptable to look for a filler just because you are not present. Her telling you that she "realized she wasn't interested in this guy" means that she was looking for someone that would interest her, and since he didn't, she decided to go back to you. Unfortunately, you have become her second choice.

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I have been the unique person she have had sex with.

Says you without knowing the truth. she went behind your back with another guy. You need to open your eyes. Your judgement is clouded because you like her.

Our relationship lasted for several years and during all that time she ran the common tests on her. It was all fine, then we broke up...
I met someone else and we dated for a while, months later my ex (the girl in question) and I started dating again.
She always wanted sex without protection, I insisted about using condoms (knowing I was with someone else). I tested myself against AIDS and some other stuff, all clean, with the time we had unprotected sex.
Months later, she had a Papanicolaou screening and something was wrong. After one additional test, she found it was HPV.

if you tested clean, then that means she got it from somewhere else. you're not there with her 24/7 and your relationship is on and off, its obvious she's lying to you. Its better to make you feel guilty with the HPV, that way, she'll always have something she can use against you

**Hooo!** · 25-08-17, 11:45 PM

You lead a problem oriented relationship
Instead of focussing on a solution oriented life together

You lost her all of her problems when in fact you just need to find ways how to deal with them
Either on your own or with her together

Ofc you can love her and at the same time choose not to continue your life with her. But that again is not sollution oriented.

Stop agreeing to things you don't want to agree to.
Also take the initiative in your relationship- which she obviously does now
Stop fussing about her little sensitivity issues or whatever. She is a woman. Get used to it.

**danielr** · 31-08-17, 06:42 AM

Originally Posted by nerdy_guy

This Statement of yours does not coincide with her feelings for you. Love does not work that way. The moment you disappear and/or have a problem, she looks for a filler? texting for 4 months? have you been gone that long?

My trip lasted about 2 or 3 weeks, it was November or December. During that time we had an argument, this was the trigger to talk more and more with this guy -According to her.
That specific day, this guy asked: do you have a bf? she said no and that she wasn't interested in starting a relationship.
AFAIK. They met in the university, shared a course and went to the movies.

I came back, she never mentioned this guy. And, honestly, I didn't expect her to give me a full report of what she did, I trusted her.

Here are 3 important things to mention:
1. I came back, our relationship went back on track. But she kept feeding the friendship with this guy.
they texted each other all days. I read parts of the transcript: this guy was interested in her since the beginning, she didn't say she had bf (myself) but she said she wasn't interested in starting one, she accepted his compliments and also, she never mentioned me when they talked (she said she did X and Y alone or with her sister/friends, but in reality, she did it with me), or in other words: she "deleted" me from her daily life when talking with this guy.
Finally, few days before I discovered this thing: the guy asked her to start a relationship. She said thank you, you are a great person, X,Y, Z but I don't feel like starting a relationship right now, can we just keep hanging out and let things happen in their way.

2. After my trip and before I discovered what happened I notice few things:
she was sleepy sometimes - she said it was school duties.
but more important, once I asked how she felt about us and explained that I felt her different. - She got angry and said everything was fine.

3. Few weeks after my trip I made clear my desire to keep traveling (business or pleasure) for the upcoming year. We talked and she said she had to stay to finish her bachelor. So I said, well... I can go and come back. This "desire" added some stress to our relationship, mostly like adding a deadline.

Originally Posted by nerdy_guy

either way its never acceptable NEVER acceptable to look for a filler just because you are not present.

I totally agree with this.

6 months after our break up, we met again and discussed "why did you do this to me?". I already mentioned some of her conclusions, she tried to justify her behavior but I said:
hey, if you didn't like something about us or had any problem about us, the best way to find a solution was by talking. Nothing can justify what you did.

Originally Posted by nerdy_guy

Her telling you that she "realized she wasn't interested in this guy" means that she was looking for someone that would interest her, and since he didn't, she decided to go back to you. Unfortunately, you have become her second choice.

Actually, I felt that time was necessary.

When I left her, she had the option to date this guy or do whatever she wanted with anyone else. But she didn't. (i know that because of her siste

Originally Posted by nerdy_guy

Says you without knowing the truth. she went behind your back with another guy. You need to open your eyes. Your judgement is clouded because you like her.

if you tested clean, then that means she got it from somewhere else. you're not there with her 24/7 and your relationship is on and off, its obvious she's lying to you. Its better to make you feel guilty with the HPV, that way, she'll always have something she can use against you

I agree with your logic, but you don't have all the details.
First, I know I was the first guy she slept with. And so far, the unique one.
Second, I never tested myself against HPV... until she said she got it.

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