In Love but later came to know he is MARRIED

[ZaraKhan]

Hi All,
I am a girl , single and well stable software engineer...

I am in big problem.. In January I went to meet my friends out of station and I met a guy via friends of friend and he became my buddy.

Later we started talking on phone every day for hours and he really use to care a lot for me.

2 months later I started feeling for him and I knew he loves me too but could not wait as i knew he was shy and I proposed him.. He took a while but later accepted.

Our love was so passionate that he use to always talk to me and even use to do Video calls in nights like 2am - 4am like that, he use to talk full nights on weekends..

These things always made me feel he was only with me and even being long distance I never felt he could cheat on me.

Last Thursday I called him in evening and someone picked the call but was quiet and this happened 2 3 times I made calls back to back..


Later I called and He picked and said I will call later some issue happened.. then he didnt called fro 1 day and his phones where off...

I now was in doubt that what happened.. atleast he could call..

Then he told me HIS mom left home knowing he has an affair with me and that she read all our Whatsapp chats.

I could not accept this as WHY MOM WILL LEAVE HOME FOR HIS SON DATING A GIRL ???

I started my investigation and digging his facebook account .. visited eaCh post and comments and FINALLY THE truth came in front that there was a pic of his marriage.

I kept my mouth shut and planned to meet him f2f and when I came in front of him I helped him to tell this truth from his own mouth.


Finally that tough point came when he himself said " Yes I am married from 5 years " But he said He loves me and didnt wanted to tell as he dont wana loose me..

He said I want to marry you but due to family I cant leave her..my parents and all will create issues.

he planned to take me Dubai and we will marry and stay there adn that in a year he will come home town..


THE ISSUE IS I LOVE HIM AND I CANT LEAVE HIM .. HE LOVES ME BUT HE IS ALREADY MARRIED..
SHALL I TRUST HIM BUT EVEN IF HE MARRY HE IS DIVIDED HE IS NOT FULLY MINE AND CAN NEVER BE

[richiro]

you are "the other woman". The other person mostly loses in this situation as the committed parties (aka the "married one") always promises that they will leave, but never do.
PUt it this way, if he was truly going to leave her, he would've left her by now.
Everything he is telling you is "dangling a carrot" to keep you. He already admitted he will not tell you things (which also means he will tell you things) "so he will not lose you." see?

Everything he is doing, and saying, to you is to ensure he doesn't lsoe you NOT because he's going to marry you, but because he doesn't want to lose you (so he can continue to have his wife and you).

Walk away now. "The other woman" always loses and gets hurt. He's lied from the beginning to you. It means he will lie to you to the end to keep you.

[pcmaster]

If you watch movie - Ghost and misis Muir - then miss Muir ran away as soon she found out her crush is married. Thats what I call emotional hygiene. You should try this old school clean approach to this problem.

[Shoukon]

The thrill and feelings of this situation are enticing and all. I understand that. But, this is a good way to self-destruct your life. If you were going to have a polygamous relationship with all the understandings and consent of that type of relationship, that's one thing. But he's given you every excuse of why he "can't" marry you. His parents, his family, social pressures etc. It's a lot of bullshit. He most likely won't leave her, BUT he will string you a long for as long as he can. Why change anything if you can have both? In his mind, that would be stupid.

But, let's say he does leave his wife. It happens. And he gets with you. Dream come true? No. In my practice and observations from people around me, when this rare situations happens, it falls apart. The relationship becomes dull swiftly. It's not as exciting as being the forbidden woman, having to sneak, going through the turmoil of what to do. Once "we" get what he want, we see it's not as fun anymore, not as novel anymore, not as stimulating anymore and then the situation repeats. It only makes sense for the situation to repeat because the foundation of your relationship with him, lies, intense feelings of the forbidden, will all go away.

Ill be honest with you though. I've only heard of this working out once. My personal and professional life is in the study and practice of relationships and love, and I came across it once, in a book. They were two psychotherapist who left their spouses for each other for they were both in highly abusive relationships. I wouldn't roll the dice on my life on that 1 example against the infinite times it didn't work out that way.

[pcmaster]

Good input @Shogun. You are fcking killin' it.

[ZaraKhan]

Hi, Thanks for your reply I am really under dispersion as I truly loved him.
He has been calling me on phones and asking me to marry him asap.. and that he will take me dubai ..

He know I wont continue to talk if he wont marry .. I am not sure what to do ..

[Shoukon]

"He know I wont continue to talk if he wont marry .. I am not sure what to do .."

What do you imagine will happen if you guys marry and run away to Dubai?

[ZaraKhan]

You know I told him yesterday please leave me and I will over come BUT marrying me will be an overhead on you.
You have wife and kids you have to earn for them too and if you marry me even u will have kids with me..

I told him - you are hiding me , until when you will hide this big truth .
if you die what will happen to me and my babies .. ??

Then he said dont worry all will be fine

He can leave his wife but he is not leaving due to his kids .. he say If i leave She will not takecare of kids the way he takecare now
if she leave kids at my home my parents wont take care of my kids like a mother.


I even said I will keep your kids if that happens dont worry .. he said OK lets marry ..

I want to marry you Darling

[Shoukon]

I might be misunderstanding what's happening here.

He wants to marry you, but he won't leave his wife because of his kids. He will have to support his kids with his current wife and your kids if you guys get together. If he dies he wants you to take his kids from his current marriage? And if he leaves his current wife he wants you to mother his current kids because he said his wife won't mother them well?

I still go back to my previous question. If you two do marry, what will happen to you long term?

[dollhouse]

Most of these men won't leave their wives and family and do you really want a man who'd cheat on his wife and leave his family? They have mistresses for the fun of it, they don't want to make it a serious relationship because they have you to escape from a serious relationship... Is that what you'd want for your man?

[ZaraKhan]

No... I think I will leave him. I am a well settled girls, Software engineer why will I be in mess. Its just a feeling of love in my heart thats making me linger around...

I think I will kill this feelings and be alone in no relationship for sometime