terribly lonely and extreme fear of rejection/abandonment..

[lovemenot]

Hello all. I have been through a crazy emotional and mental roller-coaster due to a relationship with my ex and I recently came to realize that I have some real mental issues myself. I really need objective help figuring this out.

I used to really enjoy being alone. I could spend days without any contact with anyone and I was totally fine just doing my own things and enjoying my own company and just taking care of my own life. So I never really made very close friends. Used to just always hang out with my bf and his friends, or my roommates or some classmates..whoever was there at a certain point in my life and I never made any life-long friends.

And now I actually feel lonely. I feel like I need people. I need contact. I need to talk to them. And I am afraid that nobody really cares.
I have a few friends, that I am quite close to, but I can't be totally honest with any of them. Or totally open up about my problems.
I can no longer just sit alone in my room reading a book for hours and even watching a movie gets lonely. And then these obsessive thoughts come to my head that nobody cares about me and I am so lonely and everything is just pointless...

I don't understand where this is coming from.

And I think I also have a fear of rejection or abandonment. Well probably everyone has it, but mine is becoming so severe that it is starting to affect my day to day life. And again it's because of the same guy I think. Some of you might have read some of my posts (I wrote a lot about him already) but shortly - we fell in love, we were together for 6 weeks then he broke up with me but we stayed "friends" for the last 4 months. And ever since we spend pretty much every day together or at least text each other (mostly his initiative) regularly. sometimes we keep texting each other all day long and flirting a bit sometimes - and it's all great, we always have a blast together and we really have a strong connection. And there is always this lingering feeling that we might still be together later on when he sorts himself out.

But then there are also days when he doesn't text me. And that's where my fear kicks in. Sometimes it's even ridiculous. Even if he doesn't text me for the first few hours of the day (like today) I already start thinking that something is wrong. I start thinking that maybe he decided he doesn't want to even be friends, maybe he decided to stop all contact with me, cause it's too difficult for him or I used to even think that he is getting back with his ex... and all these doubts have no rational explanation whatsoever.
A few times it already got so bad, that I was just sitting and crying about the things that after all were just all in my head. I imagined all these possible scenarios about him and some other girls and created a bunch of problems in my head, while the truth was that he was just busy studying or doing things with his family or making music etc... And we're not even together. And he has a deep depression, and I know that sometimes it can spike up and then people just get distant from everyone and kind of close up and it's nothing personal, but even knowing all that I just can't get rid of this stupid feeling of abandonment or whatever this is...

And I was never like this before. Even with my other ex bf if he wouldn't call me all day and we would only speak in the evening I wouldn't care, I was fine with it.

So is this a fear of rejection? Or an issue of trust? Or is it my low self-esteem? Or simply loneliness?
Or can it be that there is nothing certain in my life at this point and I am just trying to cling onto the one thing (person) who seems somewhat of a constant?
Can someone please help me figure this out?
It really is bothering me and I don't want to be like this. Should I just go see a therapist before it's too late and I am completely mental?

[Archie]

Like my best friend told me, you don't need to see a therapist to sort yourself out. If you just want to talk, then go to a bar with the sole intention of spilling your heart out to someone who might just randomly sit next to you. Of course you can find an alternative for the place and of course talking to someone you know and trust is better than some random stranger.

I know this feeling and I am in the same shoes, singing "Wouldn't it be good" in my head over and over.

In my teen years i was a loner, I kind of had good friend in school but we drifted apart and as time moved on I couldn't be bothered to find someone else. I used to be a friendless, awkward and antisocial guy during high school and then, when I found my passion, which was board games. I started looking for someone to play games with with and after a while, who would have thunk, that I'd stumble on the one guy who although irritates me every single day with his bragging and fulfilled life, he is also there to listen to my problems and supports me when I need it. For your own sake you have to find a friend. You are lonely and bored. You need to find something to do with your time and fill your life with activities that you enjoy.

I love solitude, but understanding that there'd be no one to remember you when you pass, or to congratulate you on important events in your life really doesn't strike me as a good idea on how to live or even exist.

I can't help you with your fear of rejection or abandonment, we all fear that, I do too. But people won't just get up and leave you if you're a part of their life, if you're a friend of theirs. Seem to me like you did exactly the same thing as I did, when an opportunity arose you just ignored it and instead of diving into something that would have been a good friendship you closed the door. Maybe unintentionally, but you did. Open up to people, at least a little and when they do the same then just know, that you're a part of their life now.

As for your ex, I don't understand why you keep torturing yourself by keeping him in your life. Move on.

[pcmaster]

Just noticed your topic lovemenot. This looks like loneliness. You need friends and that kind of love. It will take time and of course some work on yourself to feel stable and happy on your own again. Seems like this relationship been toxic to you. As sooner it ends as better. In the end you gained nothing from it.

[lovemenot]

thank you guys for this. I know I need to make some new friends and don't be so scared to open up and become close to people. Maybe I'll manage to do that when I finish studying. I just have absolutely no time for that right now - all I ever do is study. Maybe when I find a new job.

As for my ex - I keep him because I am happy whenever we are together and we study together so we keep each other company and he is the only person I can talk to about what I am studying. Also, I still love him and there is still hope we might be together again and until I am absolutely sure that will never happen I won't stop hoping.
[MENTION=42177]pcmaster[/MENTION]
probably the relationship was toxic, but I did gain a lot from it. I realized a lot about myself and thank's to him I ended another relationship and stopped wasting my and his time and now we are becoming just friends with that guy. Also he helped me a lot with studying and kind of guided me a bit. And now - I have an amazing person in my life who I share a lot of my interests with and who understands me and we enjoy each other's company greatly. And I did experience what it feels like to truly be in love again. He made me believe that was still possible and if not for him I would most likely have settled and ended up with the wrong guy.
And we agreed that "even if we won't ever be together again we will at least come out of this as truly good friends" - those are the exact words from our conversation. And I have already made a huge progress on not sleeping with him anymore;]]