Is she playing or hurting? Do I end our friendship to protect my feelings?

[sportedition]

I've been working with this girl for almost 2 years. The first year I felt indifferent to her. She disliked me. However after a time working closely, alone together, we 'clicked'. She was in a relationship. She's 20 and I'm 31. I'm also her deputy line manager. Over the following months we became really close. We'd talk regularly outside work but we wouldn't meet each other due to her boyfriend. She's a complex character and was clearly struggling in her relationship

A few months ago she split from her boyfriend. While I haven't ever expected us to be 'together', I thought this might mean we could see each other and do the things we'd talked about, as friends. For example, we got tickets for a concert, she was enthusiastic. In the period since her split she's gone 'wild'. I know she is young but the rumours involve extreme drinking and partying every weekend and one man followed by another, plus a number of 'bad descisions'. Completely opposite of the girl I'd gotten to know

I've tried to be there for her but we no longer speak outside work. Things have barely changed inside work. This is what I'm confused by. We still get on amazingly and we made more plans outside work (some of which were initiated by her) - however these have always fallen through - so has the concert. She says our friendship is important to her!

I can't understand why she still won't meet up given our obvious connection. I get that she needs time to process everything and settle down to a normal life but we're talking almost 6 months now. I'm trying to work out why she doesn't just back right off and make her excuses if she doesn't want to meet up (why suggest we do them in the first place?). This certainly isn't a case of her being afraid of me or losing her job

My advice to myself here is leave her to it and back right off. Trouble is, I care about her and I don't want to turn my back when she might need someone. We work closely together every day so I need to avoid any awkwardness

[Russia]

Long story short if you really care about her even just as a friend try to just be there for her if you can. It is very likely that her last relationship was quite demanding and/or controlling if so she is very likely trying to exercise her freedom while she still has it if that makes wny sense. I don't know about you but I am personally an introvert in most cases but whether you are one too or not you should try to calmy yet sternly and kindly stop her for a minute and just get her to hear you out she doesn't have to answer but at least listen. Tell her how you feel but try not to go into too much detail about tge future because if so she will more likely than not feel like you are just trying to control her even though it obviously isn't your intention. No matter what you need to persevere until you get her to give you just a few minutes of her time to hear you out. Then whrn all is said and done give her a little time to think about some things if need be and then go with your gut if you really feel something might be out of place not your head because you will always fear the worst when you let your mind wander. And just a little more advice that is slightly off topic. Love isn't just an emotion its a mind set. You don't just wake up hoping or expecting to always feel that way you wake up everyday and decide you will love them no matter what.

[pcmaster]

I say keep it inside of work since she proved that she dont have value outside of work, she proved that with not showing up to concerts and in general not keeping/matching her actions with words. Theres no value in girls like that. You might care for her but she have her life and you have yours. You are not her mother or father and as she proved not her friend as well. I never cancel plans with friends.

[Russia]

The only reason I say this is because 1. Im of her generatiom and 2. Women from America are definitely quite different from most any woman in any other country. But to be fair it is generally because of the countries customs and values. And the thing about advice is that you won't know if it works for you unless you try it and on top of that any advice is not guaranteed to work. Plus I have a gut feeling that he would probably hate himself most if he didn't give it one last chance. But good luck with however you choose to live your life.

[sportedition]

She's pushed me away and that's what hurts. I've only ever tried to support her and be there for her.

I question if I'm being selfish. Expecting her to give the same attention to our friendship when she's going through a lot. Maybe I'm being too sensitive. If all she can offer right now is a work based friendship then maybe I should take that and hope we can get back what we had in the future. Maybe I haven't given it enough time yet. It hurts that she makes plans and then backs out.

All I know is I can't walk away from her. I intend to be there for her. It's not in my nature to turn my back. Even if it's at the expense of my own feelings.

[Russia]

Believe me I know exactly how that feels. Even with all my problems and all the problems I blame myself for I still have a since of honor whether I show it all the time or not. The funny thing with honor is that its quite similar to love in the fact that it usually makes you do stupid things. But like I was saying you obviously couldn't live with yourself if you just completely cut her off but look I'm about to tell you something that is quite contradictory to the normal standards of love.

GO WITH YOUR GUT
If you listen to your head you are just gonna get in your own way by overthinking things and if you go with your "heart" you will be acting without thinking because of feeble emotions wich ultimately will make things worse.

[Hooo!]

What do you want?

[sportedition]

What do you want?

I want my friend back! The one who was thoughtful and caring. The one who would talk to me instead of shutting me out of her life. Even if we could just have a conversation about where our relationship is now I feel it would help. I don't know if she expects no contact from me - or if she is thinking that I'm upset with her by doing this.

It was the first time seeing her today after 3 weeks apart (due to our individual annual leave). It didn't feel good. I've deliberately tried to keep my distance and not get into our usual 'banter'.

It is also my birthday today. This made me realise something - I had 5 of the ladies I work with, all give me a hug and a kiss and wish me happy birthday. One even baked a cake. Considering I thought the person in my post was my closest friend, the most she could muster was a casual 'happy birthday'. She didn't look pleased to see me after 3 weeks.

Time to let go of her I think. Not in a nasty way. It's going to be a steep learning curve to get the balance right though. Like I've said - the sad thing is that I feel that if we could simply talk we could sort out any issues. I don't intend spending my 32nd year in the same state of mind I spent my 31st!

[pcmaster]

Happy Birthday man ! If I be making as much money as you I would look from time to time down to my pants where the D is to check if girls are not jumping on my D already because of all the moeny Im making.

20 year old is still a kid. You think shes adult and you want her to be but you are dealing with immature girl here so dont expect much from it. More sense in her mind can be added by slapping her face with D rather than talking to her. But now its too late for it since she dont find you interesting anymore.

[sportedition]

I'm not sure what gives you the impression I have money?

Anyway, 'D' is not something that comes into the equation here. It was a close friendship only and one I was very happy with. I miss my friend.

Point taken about her age though. I suspect this is probably the overriding factor in all this.

[pcmaster]

Just wanted to cheer you up man. Been hearing that they increased minimum wage in UK so thats still few times more than in poor countries. Maybe thats why guys grom UK come here to Riga to bang our girls.

Of course you dont see her as a sexual object because you are nice guy. Then again some other guy dont care about her well being and just bang her without going thru all the trouble you go thru by wanting to be her friend.

More success with girls closer your age.

[sportedition]

Update: So in the days after my birthday things went from bad to worse. She didn't speak to me and wouldn't look at me. I had no idea where this was coming from. Some of my colleagues said she'd been talking about a new boyfriend. While I wasn't thrilled I knew it was inevitable.

What I couldn't work out was why she was talking to everyone about him except me! She was even confiding in the people she doesn't like. It hurt to hear this important news from someone else. Not because I was jealous, but because I thought we could talk to each other! I'd suddenly become the only person she wasn't confiding in!

After a few day of silent treatment and in a very confused state I asked her if we could talk and sort out whatever the problem was. Still pretending I didn't know anything of this new guy. She refused, got angry and said there wasn't an issue. She said she'd get upset if we talked.

A few days later I tried again as the atmosphere in work was awful. It was making our colleagues uncomfortable and it wasn't fair. She seemed more herself and so I managed to get her on her own to talk.

She's not a big talker anyway and actually said very little. I explained that I was hurt that she didn't feel she could tell me about him. She said she knew I wouldn't approve. I asked how I was supposed to feel when I overheard her and others discussing him. She said she doesn't like people knowing what she's thinking or feeling. I said if he makes her happy then that is all I want!

We parted on good terms and things went back to how they normally are almost immediately. Where things will go from here I don't know. All I do know of her latest choice is that he is bad news!

[Hooo!]

Well if things are back to normal I don't see why her new friend would be bad news?

[NolaDarling]

You need to leave her alone. She is young and not ready for a committed relationship.

[sportedition]

Well if things are back to normal I don't see why her new friend would be bad news?

It is a big relief that we are ok again. He's bad news because of what I've heard of his behaviour in previous relationships. But I meant it when I told her if he makes her happy then I'm genuinely pleased for her. Maybe he's changed and is genuine. I do have concerns but I'm accepting that a, I may be wrong and b, even if I'm right there's no way I'm destroying our friendship by trying to convince her about him. She's going to have to find out for herself.

- - - Updated - - -

You need to leave her alone. She is young and not ready for a committed relationship.

The plan is to be her friend in work, hopefully we can sustain that. At what level is 100% up to her. If she decides to talk to me or wants my help with anything then I'm all there for her. We'll see how things go.