waiting for the woman i love

[JOHNB]

Hello - I am new here

Well I have a problem and i have been searching the net for answers.

I am a 49 year old englishman living in Switzerland and I have fallen in love with a french woman of 39. I really feel that this is the first time I have ever truly loved in my life although I have been married twice before. She has admitted that she has fallen in love with me and we told each other this happened jointly and silently on a particular day in January, 1 month after we met. I believe it to be true on both sides. Our texts and private moments show me that this is true and I trust my gut feeling and my heart feeling and what my mind tells me that she will be mine one day soon.

She and I work together in the same firm and we met 6 months ago at a Christmas Party.

She has had a manfriend of 48 for the past 3 years. She was to marry him next month but has called it off since meeting me. She has told him 5 times that they 'must split' but he keeps repeating that he 'does not accept' which for reasons you will see below she does not argue against. However, breaking up to my mind is not a case of mutual agreement. So far, we don't think he has got the message and displays an unwillingness to know the truth when he rings her at home and she is not there (she is with me sleeping overnight). If I was him and my woman was not where she was supposed to be (in her own bed asleep) then I would be in my car no matter what hour of day and make the 3 hour trip to her house in Geneva and open the door and finding an empty bed, I would start asking questions hearing wrong answers I would tell her with pain in my heart that it was over and 'accept' it.

Well, the guy does not even ask where she is when she is on the mobile at my house and her home phone rings out. He says stuff like ''well everyone is entitled to their little secrets''. The guy is a Swiss-German lawyer/banker from Basle and to my mind, he has 'invested' in her as his smart, young french girl that he dresses up and shows off but wont make real commitments to her except for asking her to marry him in a Las Vegas chapel. Nice!


To give you a bit of background, the problems are as follows :-

1) 1 year ago I came out of a verbally violent 8 year marriage to an alcoholic woman. I was very lonely and bitter for 8 months but I am over it now
2) My new love has minor breast cancer and is now undergoing radiotherapy and forced menopause through Zoladex injections to cure it - she wants to stop them but the oncologist says no. She feels that she ''created this cancer by working so hard in her relationship with him (he lives in Basle and she lives in Geneva, about 3 hours each way by car, and she went to him every weekend)'' She took care of this rich man and made herself pretty before going off to collect him from the train station every day. God I would give my life for a woman like that.
3) Her mother is dying of pancreatic cancer - I think that she will not last past Christmas 2005.
4) Her father is in his 70s and she fears for his well-being when his wife departs
5) Her mother loves her current man for all the legal help he gave her - they are very close
6) Her brother and nephew love her current man for all the companionship and presents he bought them - Nintendo, Sega etc etc
7) Her job here is very stressful and although she is told by doctors to take half-time she is not able to do it because of her natural conscientiousness / pride and fear of upsetting her boss who to my mind is a complete idiot for reasons that I alone know. But I keep that to myself and never criticise him in front of her.
8) At the beginning, she started being very close to me and sending SMS and Yahoo messages by the dozen daily - now I receive nothing.
9) I try to practice ''selfless-love''. Unconditional and categorically without demand for reward or reassurance - it is bloody hard.
10) Although we started sleeping together a month ago we mutually agreed to never have sex before our final 'joining', due to ''principles''
11) She has finally told her father about me ''in confidence'' - a good sign. Her father is not happy with the way in which her current man is not looking after his daughter both financially and with her illness
12) She has said to me and him that she will not leave her manfriend until after the end of her brother's holiday here at the end of July (he lives in Ile St Reunion in the Indian Ocean) whereby she would 'make a decision' in august this year. Her father agrees that due to her mother looking forward to the son's visit so much it would be unwise for her to break up with her man before then for fear of devastating her mother.

I have done everything I could possibly do for her in chronological order over the last 6 months:-

1) Resolved her office politics problems by ''sorting out'' the offenders with a 'friendly' word - 'you give a problem to P then you give a problem to me'. The whole Company knows we are an 'item' and treats her with respect in six short months. I am quite senior there without blowing my trumpet.
2) Helped her with her computer problems
3) Helped her with her translation english to french
4) Accompanied her to every hospital appointment (perhaps 50)
5) I Ran errands for her (no, i am do not at all feel belittled by this statement) : - ordering injections in advance from the pharmacist, getting her makeup from the shops, taking her shoes to the fixer, getting her dry-cleaning - she is very busy in the office and i am not so i see no point in not doing these things for her because I truly love her. Besides that she is incredibly tired and has changed physically very quickly due to the treatment as you can imagine. It is very hard for her and will last another 4 years of injections after the radio finishes end June.
6) Taken her for very enjoyable dinners and tea at lunch times, escorted her to ''soirees'' and bought her small presents and flowers
7) Literally been there to support her in every way i can possibly manage as an older man looks after his woman. I am an old-fashioned guy.

The main problem is this:-

I repeat, she has changed a little and ''needs space to rediscover herself'' and I am trying to get clarification as to why although I believe I know that it is mainly to do with this illness of hers and the forced menopause. Or it is due to the fact that she feels guilty about sleeping in the same bed as me due to the fact that she is still ''with her man'' at weekends although I dont think there is any intimacy between them any more. Also it could be due to the fact that we both sub-conciously wanted to make love and said as much but agreed to put the brakes on. due to the guilt she feels towards C and her pacing herself to the end result. Maybe it is also because she has seen me as being 'too available'.

Myself - I am 6 foot 4 and I have lost 27 kilos in 1 year; lighter than I was at 16. My mind has opened up to people and they approach me whereas before meeting P I was the ''sad divorced englishman - here lies dragons, do not get close''. I dress smartly and keep properly groomed and clean.

I try to practice selfless love wherein I ask for nothing in return and wait and hope for (not expect) her full-time presence in my life. I have surprised myself and been pretty successful at it and controlled it well without showing her any weakness. I know she is aware of the huge presence I have in her life because the way she described my job to her father is this :-

''J no longer needs to work and has done it all but now if it was not for him then I would not be able to continue working. Now J LOOKS AFTER ME PAPA.''

I find it very hard to wait until august - I am an impatient person (aries) and am trying to practice my 7 Cs

Cool
Calm
Collected
Confident
Compassionate
Comfortable
Complete

She has 3 Cs to my mind

Cancer
C - the manfriend
Company (our place of work)

She is obviously quite unnerved by this cancer (as you can imagine) and is quite touchy on certain questions I have asked about our relationship and the way it is going.

''She needs her space to rediscover herself'' - her words and all since the start of the radiotherapy.

I am desperately trying to maintain a level-head and not look like an idiot in waiting and hoping for this woman but it is a battle. However I am 99 percent confident that it will all work out fine.

I think i have said everything except that in my opinion she is going through many distinct feelings:-

1) worry over her disease
2) nearly all the menopausal symptoms listed on the internet sites
3) worry over the imminent death of her mother
4) worry over hurting C (the manfriend) who has threatened suicide (he wont do it if he talks about it)
5) worry about her family's feelings when she breaks the relationship
6) stress at work where they will neither provide her with an assistant nor an increase

What I would really like to know is your opinion on this complicated story and any hints that you could give me.

Can anyone guide me please because I feel sometimes (having listened to my male friends who all say ''tell her to make her mind up now or leave'' ?) confused in Switzerland.....

My absolute final target date for this relationship to work is Xmas 2005 after that I will give up and love her from afar with NC.

J

[AmIASleaze]

too long.... even for me.... summary please

[JOHNB]

too long.... even for me.... summary please

sorry but it was much longer before - but if you dont want to read it all here it is in a nutshell !

my gf is going through forced-menopause due to breast cancer and is depressed and nervy, she has a bf that she wants to split from and get together with me after her dying mother has seen her son during at the end of july.

but she is blowing hot and cold in her messaging, conversation and emotional stance towards me and ''needs space to sort herself out''. we used to be in constant contact and went everywhere together but no sex yet... now it has all fizzled out and i am giving her as much distance and space as poss. however i always let her know i am there to support her and love her when and if she needs me

question is how much space does one give and how does one act in this situation ?

[JOHNB]

Not being a square or anything but i just found that you are 18 and have a reputation here. Well i just joined and wanted some decent advice - so in the interests of brevity would you kindly keep your snide comments to yourself (''too long even for me'' belongs on porn chat sites)

oh! and grow the hell up and lose the chip on your shoulder before someone else decides to knock it off for you.

thanks

john B - aged 49 and a half

ps - at least you can remember what mummy taught you about saying please and thank you so there is hope for you yet.

[Tone]

my gf is going through forced-menopause due to breast cancer and is depressed and nervy, she has a bf that she wants to split from and get together with me

Anyone else think there's something wrong with this?

[AmIASleaze]

Not being a square or anything but i just found that you are 18 and have a reputation here. Well i just joined and wanted some decent advice - so in the interests of brevity would you kindly keep your snide comments to yourself (''too long even for me'' belongs on porn chat sites)

oh! and grow the hell up and lose the chip on your shoulder before someone else decides to knock it off for you.

thanks

john B - aged 49 and a half

ps - at least you can remember what mummy taught you about saying please and thank you so there is hope for you yet.

ok... jeesh sorry... I was just trying to help... my reputation on here is unjustifed and I really don't care about you're opinion either so ya know what I won't even try to help you... all I was trying to say about it being too long was what anyone else would have said to you also... plus.. I myself usually write some long posts so I read other long posts... but that was just too long... I'm sorry for breathing... catch ya laterz!

[shh!]

Anyone else think there's something wrong with this?

Yeah, not to mention the need for waiting to break up until her mother sees the grandkids. Very illogical.

Hey John - your girlfriend (or more correctly, someone else's girlfriend) is unavailable, and if she is dealing with menopause, breast cancer, and personal infidelity, it is no wonder she is irrational. I think you ought to abandon ship. There are lots of available women in your age range.

[Only-virgins]

Maybe he doesnt want to just "abandon ship". He did say he believes he is in love and he is much older then me and any of us so I am sure he has experienced all types of feelings. The way I see it is if he wants to stick with her then thats fine...not like there is any super hot girls looking for 49 year old english man you know. He might like her alot. Im 22 and hes 49...if anything he should be giving me advice.

oh! and grow the hell up and lose the chip on your shoulder before someone else decides to knock it off for you.

at least you can remember what mummy taught you about saying please and thank you so there is hope for you yet.

Welcome to the club.

I'm sorry for breathing...

You should be. lol

[shh!]

The way I see it is if he wants to stick with her then thats fine...not like there is any super hot girls looking for 49 year old english man you know.

If he's 49, then let's hope he requires something more than a "super hot girl".

In any case, whether he is 24 or 94, he is the odd man out, in love with a woman who is involved with someone else. I don't need to be 49 to know that this is not an ideal situation, and neither do you.

[indigosoul]

Not being a square or anything but i just found that you are 18 and have a reputation here. Well i just joined and wanted some decent advice - so in the interests of brevity would you kindly keep your snide comments to yourself (''too long even for me'' belongs on porn chat sites)

oh! and grow the hell up and lose the chip on your shoulder before someone else decides to knock it off for you.

thanks

john B - aged 49 and a half

ps - at least you can remember what mummy taught you about saying please and thank you so there is hope for you yet.

Well, I was going to reply until your response to AmI. You get what you give John, in this case... nothing.

AmI's comment about length of post is highly relevant. She actually helped you out, tho you don't realize it, Oh Rude One. You only got replies AFTER you modified your post. You owe her thanks, and an apology, IMO.

[whaywardj]

Not older than me, OV, and yes, Tone, something's definitely off-kilter about the situation. That being, JohnB, IMHO, that you're either rationaliizing your behavior most contortedly, or trying to force a conclusion that just won't fit the circumstances. Why else take upwards of 40 paragraphs to explain something you could just have easily said in 3? And, once again, I agree with shh!. Why bother with it? She already has a boyfriend.

[JOHNB]

Not older than me, OV, and yes, Tone, something's definitely off-kilter about the situation. That being, JohnB, IMHO, that you're either rationaliizing your behavior most contortedly, or trying to force a conclusion that just won't fit the circumstances. Why else take upwards of 40 paragraphs to explain something you could just have easily said in 3? And, once again, I agree with shh!. Why bother with it? She already has a boyfriend.

brief now !

she loves me - she said so countless times
she told her boyfriend many times she wants to split and he wont accept
never mind all the other problems of cancer and dying mother etc

simple question - she wants me and i want her - so what about it folks ? - do you think that i am being stupid in this new day and age wherein i find myself a little off kilter after being married fully 23 years to 2 women ?

I want to wait and risk success/failure - because that is what my heart and mind tells me.

If it's failure then i will love her from afar and move on....

If it's success then i will do my utmost to ensure that she is feels that i am not just a ''dear friend''

thanks

john b

[JOHNB]

ok... jeesh sorry... I was just trying to help... my reputation on here is unjustifed and I really don't care about you're opinion either so ya know what I won't even try to help you... all I was trying to say about it being too long was what anyone else would have said to you also... plus.. I myself usually write some long posts so I read other long posts... but that was just too long... I'm sorry for breathing... catch ya laterz!

and you were not "trying to help" so leave me alone with your bs.

[JOHNB]

Well, I was going to reply until your response to AmI. You get what you give John, in this case... nothing.

AmI's comment about length of post is highly relevant. She actually helped you out, tho you don't realize it, Oh Rude One. You only got replies AFTER you modified your post. You owe her thanks, and an apology, IMO.

sorry to say ssh! but i was limited to 10,000 characters and without getting into the nitty gritty of it all i was simply detailing the whole problem that befalls me now. I do believe however that there are some very valid points made by all in this brief thread (i will stop asking advice soon).

''you get what you give'' ? well i know that for a fact after all this time so now it's time for me to move on

seems to me like the wonder of love and it's prevalent strategical problems do not only cross the POND from the UK to the USA but that you guys see things a little differently from me - maybe i should start a new thread under another name ?!

I thought this was a site that cares. Apparently you all shoot from the hip - i was not talking simple problems here. The ones that happen to everyone. I was talking to you all about a woman who has 4 problems that are quite major. never mind

all the best

john b

[JOHNB]

Not older than me, OV, and yes, Tone, something's definitely off-kilter about the situation. That being, JohnB, IMHO, that you're either rationaliizing your behavior most contortedly, or trying to force a conclusion that just won't fit the circumstances. Why else take upwards of 40 paragraphs to explain something you could just have easily said in 3? And, once again, I agree with shh!. Why bother with it? She already has a boyfriend.

and whayward - here is for you a little suggestion - i have never met you but i think i know you a little - this site is supposed to give ppl from all over the world - so i suggest that you read into the text i submitted - you dont want to read ''upwards of 40 paragraphs'' ? then dont. thank you for not reading and not commenting in future.

john b