Some advice

[Gildiod]

First of all, Hello to everyone :-)

I have a few questions I'd like to ask, but I'll give you the story first, I'll try make this short, I was with my partner for 8 years until things started to go wrong. Would like to say I have never gone through my partners phone ever but this one day I did ask If I could borrow her phone just so I could take a picture as my phone was flat, anyone she got very defensive and knew something was up and that's when I wanted to look but she wasn't having any of it, few days after she finally told me there was a few texts to one of her colleague where she works but nothing to worry about all work related, I accepted it and moved on from it, though I was slightly more paranoid now, something I've never felt before but I kept it to myself. few months after we got into an argument she was saying that she wanted more, kids and a place of our own, I never gave her enough attention and so on, This was all news to me I had no idea she felt like this until she told me all of this, anyway she asked me for some space and time, Though I was unhappy with this decision, I agreed to it, she texted me a few times during this break but it was mostly arguments and things felt like they were getting worse.

Few weeks had gone by and we were still separated and didn't text each other so frequently, I really wanted to make this work and I texted her and I noticed I was blocked, from everything. Etc what’s app,fb,messaging. moving on to around 3 months since the break up, nothing had really happened since I found I was blocked as I had no way of communicating with her and I was dead against just coming up to her place to visit as I was worried I'd be called a stalker, she made it clear that she wanted nothing to do with me so I left it as that, I won't lie it was the hardest time of my life, I acted all happy and fine in front of everyone, but when in fact I kept thinking about her.

Around 4 months in of the break up, I kept being asked by my friends to go out with them, I won't lie my social life had gone, I didn't want it or care, but I did finally go out with my friends and my then ex or partner was also out, we spoke a little from the night, the following day she was texting me and we took it slow but finally got back together, the following 2 months were amazing. Suddenly things were going bad again, not the fact that we argued or anything, but she didn't seem interested to do things with me or meet up or anything. I forgot to mention she works in a school, we got back together just after her school holidays (summer holiday break ) and things suddenly started to die out again when she started work again. Anyway not long after she stayed at mine and I couldn't help notice her phone flashing and someone constantly ringing her. she was asleep and I took a guess at her pin and got it correct first time I felt bad with what I was doing at the time but didn't shortly afterwards.

Really trying to keep this short sorry, anyway I found out she had been seeing someone that works with her for months, even when we were together, remember where I mentioned at the beginning that she got all defensive when I asked to see her phone? Well this is why. They must of ended it or something when we got back in the summer or kept it going I have no idea, and she started meeting up with him again towards the end of her school holidays. I didn't confront her at the time; I did it a few days after. Age gap was massive between them both but there we are, I couldn't believe it myself so it took a few days to sink in. Anyway a few weeks of her crying and kept coming up and waiting outside my house until I came out went by, in the end I forgave her. I forgave her after I kind of felt betrayed after being with her for 8 years.

It's been a year since all that has happened, but I never actually asked why, or asked anything, just ignored what had happened and carried on with myself. But now I feel like I want to know everything... I've not asked her anything but do I deserve to know or should I keep ignoring it like I have done, I won't lie I do wake up thinking about all this nearly every single day since it happened. I've been so curious to know everything ever since she told me she was pregnant a few weeks ago (I’m not in doubt it’s not mine) it's just made me feel so different about everything, why I took her back after everything she put me through. All the sudden it bothers me very much that she works with the guy she was seeing behind my back.

Anyway I'm really sorry for super long story and even more so If I’ve posted this in the incorrect place: S But my main question is should I just leave this and carry on with my life? It's been over a year... has anyone else just ignored something for so long and just lived with it? Even though it's eating them away?

Thanks

[WiltedRose]

Hi there! What details do you want to know? Is there trust there? My personal opinion is if you have forgiven her and truly trust her and want to give it a go you should let it go! Because once you know all the details you'll not forget it and it will affect your relationship have a child to consider now!


I wasn't unfaithful but I was honest about my past and that almost destroyed us he was so jealous and it made me feel sooooooo bad!

[Gildiod]

Hi there! What details do you want to know? Is there trust there? My personal opinion is if you have forgiven her and truly trust her and want to give it a go you should let it go! Because once you know all the details you'll not forget it and it will affect your relationship have a child to consider now!


I wasn't unfaithful but I was honest about my past and that almost destroyed us he was so jealous and it made me feel sooooooo bad!

Hi =)

I don't trust her no, I've not told her this, and yes I was stupid to get back with her with this burden on my shoulder. We were engaged, thought we were very happy, very active, and this happens 8 years in. I did feel like I never got the time to heal and get over this and she was constantly pestering to make things work, maybe I just felt presured and just jumped back in I don't know, But the truth is I don't trust her, But I have not spoken about any of this with her nor mentioned that I do not trust her, I guess I keep it to myself.....

One thing we did plan was counselling, but never got to do it, seemed like she tried to avoid it even tho she did agree and wanted to do it, to make this work.

about the details, I guess when did all this start behind my back and why, or what did I do wrong that she wanted to seek another man.

I understand about the past thing, and in all fairness I was involved with this incident in the past, yes fair enough if it only started after we broke up, and ended before she got back with me, but it was clear to me that this was going on for longer.

But maybe your right, Maybe I should just live with it, I suppose I had my chance last year when we got back to ask these questions.

[WiltedRose]

If you don't Trust her it will always bother you and it will continue to eat you up! What about seeing a councillor on your own to give you tools to try and overcome conenit? And Do you think you knowing these details will put you at ease but bare in mind you might not like the outcome? But like I said it will never work without trust and forgiveness! How is your relationship today?

[Gildiod]

If you don't Trust her it will always bother you and it will continue to eat you up! What about seeing a councillor on your own to give you tools to try and overcome conenit? And Do you think you knowing these details will put you at ease but bare in mind you might not like the outcome? But like I said it will never work without trust and forgiveness! How is your relationship today?

Seeing a councillor on my own was going to be my next step funny enough, and no, I don't think it will put me at ease, will probably make things worse hence the reason I never did seek these answers but it’s been constantly on my mind lately and trying to forget or over think this, is a lot harder for me to do now. I guess her being pregnant and the rush to find a new home has just triggered something, and it’s made me think about everything. Time has gone by so fast and I can't remember how I overcame this, How I could just jump back in a relationship with her knowing that she still works with that man, aren't I brave -.-

The relationship is excellent, never better in fact, it’s just this curiosity I have, maybe I have it because I am happy and looking for negatives, I'm not sure.

[WiltedRose]

That's what I would do! It certainly doesn't hurt as you could sabotage it all if you haven't got a clear head?! I have had a few sessions a few years ago to get through my divorce and it made me much stronger and gave me tools to deal with things better. The only thing is she was the second I saw I the first wasn't very good!


The best of luck to you!

[Snow White]

First, did you say the baby isn't yours? That would explain her being in a hurry. You deserve to know what happened and why it happened!!! You may not like what you hear, but your imagination eating at you can be a lot worse. You can't be with someone you don't trust and in no way was it your fault!

The relationship is NOT excellent if you are feeling this way. And don't feel guilty about feeling how you are feeling. You were together for 8 years and she screwed around on you and was dishonest about everything and blocked you rather than giving you the respect of a conversation! Then, obviously, this guy dumped her and she came back running to you. She won't even go to counseling with you! What is wrong with you?!

Clear your head and really think about your situation. Re-read your own post. I am a woman and I can see you are being used and making a big mistake!

[WiltedRose]

He has no doubt the baby isn't is hun x

[Gildiod]

That's what I would do! It certainly doesn't hurt as you could sabotage it all if you haven't got a clear head?! I have had a few sessions a few years ago to get through my divorce and it made me much stronger and gave me tools to deal with things better. The only thing is she was the second I saw I the first wasn't very good!


The best of luck to you!

Thanks, I Shall certainly give this a go.

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First, did you say the baby isn't yours? That would explain her being in a hurry. You deserve to know what happened and why it happened!!! You may not like what you hear, but your imagination eating at you can be a lot worse. You can't be with someone you don't trust and in no way was it your fault!

The relationship is NOT excellent if you are feeling this way. And don't feel guilty about feeling how you are feeling. You were together for 8 years and she screwed around on you and was dishonest about everything and blocked you rather than giving you the respect of a conversation! Then, obviously, this guy dumped her and she came back running to you. She won't even go to counseling with you! What is wrong with you?!

Clear your head and really think about your situation. Re-read your own post. I am a woman and I can see you are being used and making a big mistake!

I certainly do feel used, I'm not sure why it's taken a year for me to react or feel like this, thinking about everything I can see I was 2nd best. I am slightly afraid of bringing this subject up with her, especially after a year onwards. I'm more afraid of the fact she would make out I am the bad one, I know from past experience, If I went out, I would be the bad one, but she would be ok to go out, or If we had an argument it would always be my fault, she would start crying and then the subject would change with how bad I am, so this is a big concern for me.

I may try this counselling solo first and see how I am afterwards.

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Can I just ask a simple question, You may think really bad of me for even asking this, Would it be really bad of me to end the relationship while she is pregnant? This would not stop me from being a good dad, and yes I feel blamed mostly for this and I should of acted a lot sooner, But I sometimes think this would be the easiest way for me, but I would imagine I would be hated very much by everyone.

Thanks

[WiltedRose]

do you love her truly love her?

[Gildiod]

do you love her truly love her?

I would say up until what happened I did very much, I always thought she was the one, I would of done anything for her. Now I'm a bit confused, or I may be clouded by everything, I do feel that I've been hibernating my life since what happended, I feel if I was given a chance to go back in time I would never gotten back with her. I have always thought that thinking about the past is such a pointless thing as nothing can be done with what's happended, but here I am doing just that.

[WiltedRose]

It's not pointless it's totally natural!! Some people can forgive and forget I know friends that have been through this! But I personally could not it would eat away at me and that is no way to live!

I really feel for you though esp the situation you are in with her being pregnant! How is she likely to react? And remember how you felt when you were apart be prepared for that again and Will she still include you on all the anti natal appointments and even the birth? Having kids is the best feeling ever I have been blessed with 3 of them but they are certainly not a reason to stay together I'm a prime example of that.

[Gildiod]

It's not pointless it's totally natural!! Some people can forgive and forget I know friends that have been through this! But I personally could not it would eat away at me and that is no way to live!

I really feel for you though esp the situation you are in with her being pregnant! How is she likely to react? And remember how you felt when you were apart be prepared for that again and Will she still include you on all the anti natal appointments and even the birth? Having kids is the best feeling ever I have been blessed with 3 of them but they are certainly not a reason to stay together I'm a prime example of that.

Yes that would and does worry me very much, I'd like to play my part and be there for the child 100% of the way, and deep down I know that if I did end things with her, she would use the child againts me and I'll probably never get to see my child. I'll have more free time next week so I may sort out some counselling as this looks to be the correct path to take at this moment.

[WiltedRose]

The very best of luck to you! Xx

[Snow White]

So you know she would use the child against you? What does that say to you about her as a person? About her as being your life partner? Why do you blame yourself? Why do you feel like the bad guy? You mention about living in the past. You have never had any closure to this terrible betrayal. Yes, there are couples who can work through infidelities, but it is exactly that..work. And the person who cheated must be willing to open up to their partner. If my husband did that and I decided I wanted to forgive him, I would need to know when it started, why it started, when it ended, who ended it. If he were not willing to respect my needs and be totally honest with me, I would view that as a red flag.

It seems obvious to me that you simply do not feel about her the way you use to. The fact that she still works with her ex lover would also drive me insane especially since she has not been willing to discuss the whole ordeal. This isn't something you can simply sweep under the rug and forget about. Of course having a child involved makes things much more difficult, but having a loveless marriage because of a child does no one any good.