Feeling like a burden...

[Hopeful321]

Hello everyone. I am new to this site. Just needed to vent and talk to someone other than friends and family because I feel like I am being a burden. I have been with my boyfriend a little over 6 years. We have had our ups and downs but the past several months have been strenuous to say the least. He recently lost his dream business due to something out of his control. He was good at it and was successful. However, like I said it was beyond his control. Needless to say he has been depressed and he has been avoiding spending time with me. After confronting him a few times over the past couple months he finally told me it is not me that he needs some time to get out of his funk and recharge. I know men think differently but I viewed this as a rejection. He'd come home from work talk for a few give me a kiss goodnight and go to bed. It is in my nature to want to fix things but I know I cannot and if I try he'd just pull away more. This past weekend he went on a guys trip to the lake and was due home yesterday. Instead he said he was staying at his old house for a couple of days because long story short there was some flood damage from a storm and he was going to work on it because it was therapeutic for him. He said for me not to freak out it is only for a couple days. Honestly, I am freaked out!!! I am trying my best to respect his wishes but I am afraid I am losing him. I don't know when to say enough is enough or is this just a phase he is going through?!? Feeling like he is having a mid life crisis. My brother told me this is normal for guys that they are wired differently. That I should give him until the weekend to himself and then tell him to come home and talk. I know he loves me and is lost but I am confused and the thought of him not being next me at night is taking my breath away. I don't want to go through a breakup again. I feel like we can work it out but I don't know how to proceed or how to approach him. Please no mean comments just advice and words of encouragement.
Sincerely,
Hopeful

[Hooo!]

Have you told him exactly what you have told us?
What does he want?
How does he want his future to be like?

If a man fails in his position as businessman then this feels like he is losing a good portion of his masculinity to him.
At least to some men. Don't know if for all
Talk about what you both want your futures to be like

[CantMoveOn]

I agree with your brother. Give him that time, wait for him to call you to check in while at his other home and when back to your home together have a long in depth chat. Maybe he hasn't realized the effect this is having on you, and hopefully once he knows he'll try to not push you away anymore.

[Hopeful321]

Thank you both for responding. I know he is feeling like a failure I just don't understand why he has to push me away. ☹️ I tried texting him asking when he would be coming home and he said a couple more days. I responded that I respected that he needed a couple more days and that all I ask is that he be honest with me because not knowing where we stand is hard and hurtful. After I sent it I realized I probably shouldn't have put it that way because it may add more pressure on him but it is too late can't take it back. Every time I look at his side of the bed and see he isn't there this anxiety just grips me. If he wants to end the relationship I will eventually come to terms with it. But being in limbo not being sure what we are doing is causing so much anxiety!!

[Hooo!]

Stop anxiety. Stop being egocentered.
He is the one with the trouble. He feels like a worthless piece of garbage.
Maybe it's time for you to not show him your doubts but to show him your love instead.
Being supportive doesn't mean leaving anyone alone or taking up with any shit
It means being there for someone providing what they need instead of what they say they want.

How can you make him believe that you still love him and want to be with him no matter what?

[Hopeful321]

He flat out told me do not push him it will only shut him down more. He is not the talk about my feelings kinda guy. With that said I have kept my contact with him this past week to a minimum by just asking when he'd be coming home. I have told him that I would fight for us but I couldn't be the only one. Anything I have read about relationships when the other person asks for time you need to respect that. But I feel like I need him to know I am still here. I will not call him because that would make him upset n shut down more. But do I atleast text him?? Or just wait until Sunday? I work this weekend so I am hoping he plans on coming home by Sunday. Although my gut tells me he will ask for another couple of days...

[lovebroken]

After six years together he should be letting you more than anyone else and never shutting you out, if it was on the reverse you know he'd feel hurt by the exact same actions directed towards himself. Has he called/contacted you since going off on his own, or have you only been the one in contact? Can you drive to visit him, if this has gone past 4 days or past the day he said he'd be back to your home?

[Hopeful321]

I am the one that has reached out to him to see when he is coming home. On Thursday he said he just needed a couple more days because he was fixing stuff around the house and then clear his head. Last time we contacted each other. Due to where he is staying it makes sense to just stay there and come home on Monday. I am at work now so I figured I'd text him when I get off so I don't get upset at work. I am just at a loss. He has put me in such a bad funk that I am getting depressed. I just want him to let me know one way or the other. I respect he needed time but acting how he is acting is breaking my heart. Any suggestions on how to approach this??

[Hooo!]

Well I don't think you want to approach it because you want to give your man time to himself?
Or did I get anything wrong? My English isn't the best. Sry

[Hopeful321]

No need to apologize 😊 Giving him time I respect but the problem is he keeps saying couple more days...meanwhile I know this is out of character for him and it is causing me to get depressed with him. We have been struggling for awhile now and I things need to move forward either together or on our own. After 6 years I deserve to be treated with respect too and if he wants out he should come to me instead of leaving me hanging. He said we didn't break up but I feel like he is trying to fade me out 💔

[diamondstiletto]

Hi Hopeful321,

Few things are as nerve-wracking as a man needing space. It's a horrible feeling and can make your mind spin non stop worrying about what you did wrong, and how you can fix your relationship.

Here's the important thing to realize: men are not women. They don't process things the same and they experience situations in different ways. Taking space is a very normal coping mechanism for most men, just as for most women seeking out support from friends and others is a natural coping mechanism.

When a man wants space, it often has little, if anything to do with you.

Losing a business would cause a lot of stress, and if that is the source then it has nothing to do with you. Men typically keep to themselves and don't want to talk about problems or weaknesses. Men pride themselves on being able to support women, and be successful. To cope with the stress of losing his business, it wouldbe normal for him to withdraw and escape from the problems temporarily instead of trying to sort through them.

My advice would be to give him space and try not to take it personally. It's important to realize that he isn't shutting you out, he is just processing everything that he is going through. While you are giving him space, work on yourself. Work on bettering yourself, and doing things that make you happy. Remember that if you don't love yourself and your love, then a relationship will never succeed.

-Diamonds&Stilettos

[TheEvilJester]

I agree with a lot of what has been said. Guys do generally take something like that pretty hard. And, we are also most often not the "talk about your feelings" type. When it comes to that sort of thing, we generally more so want to just deal with it internally. It isn't that we don't want to let anybody in, it's just the sort of thing we want to get through on our own.... even if/when we shouldn't.

So, it does seem understandable if that is what he is going through. Don't get me wrong, though... All the same, you two have been together for 6 years, so I agree it's not okay for him to shut you out like this. I mean, imagine if you two get married.... and say now you've been married 5 years, or 10 years.... when life gets him down, is he going to do this same disappearing act again and run away from you/his life for a while? Even if he isn't intending to run away from you, that's exactly how it feels to you.

For now, I guess all you can do is to give him some time and space, but at the same time make it clear you are here for him. I would also say that you make it clear that you can't just wait around forever.... but I think you have done that already. Because, as much as you would be awesome to be understanding and give him some time and space.... that time and space can't be forever, or even for very long. That's not fair to you. Believe me, I can understand how you feel. If you two broke up, that would suck for sure, but at least you could move on and get past it.... but leaving you in limbo is so much more torturous.

So, for now I guess give him some time.... but have an idea in your mind of what feels like a reasonable amount of time to wait. Hopefully you two can get back on track soon... but if that timeline expires and he's still being distant, that may be the time to have a more serious conversation. Even then, you still want to approach it with a bit of caring and understanding, but tell him that maybe he needs to just take some time alone and let you do the same. Then, if in time he DOES get better he can reach out to you then if he still wants and you can see how you both feel then. Hopefully it doesn't even have to get to that point, but you definitely do not deserve to be stuck in this limbo situation forever. Good luck!

[Hopeful321]

Let me say thank you so very much for the words of wisdom from all but a special thanks to Diamondstiletto and TheEvilJester. You both have put my mind at ease. Although this time has been challenging, you both helped me realize the this is not about me. I have accepted and respected his space. I did send him a text on Monday saying I am still here for him, that I am not mad (upset yes but didn't say that to him) and that I love him and if he needed more time to please acknowledge my text and he did and asked for a few more days. I am thinking I should give him another week to try and sort things out. However, at the end of that time if he still isn't ready to come home I will request a face to face talk and say we should just go our separate ways for awhile because it is not fair on me sitting home waiting on something that may never happen. The weirdest thing happened Sunday night, needless to say I have been crying on and off for weeks and when I got home from work Sunday night this feeling of calm came over me and I felt like everything is going to be fine and haven't cried since...strange but I will take it!! Lol

[TheEvilJester]

Sometimes in life you do just have to take the good moments when you can get them. Even if you are almost 100% sure they won't last, you can't dwell on that because then you won't ever enjoy them. That has been my life experience, at least. Happiness is not a luxury I am often allowed to enjoy. So, when I do find moments of happiness, I enjoy them as much as for as long as I possibly can rather than dwelling on the fact that I know those moments will just end soon.

So, yeah, if something has made you feel a little more calm about the situation, don't knock it.... don't analyze it... just enjoy it. As it is, I think you've got a good idea of how to move forward now. Yes, you definitely want to be caring and understanding.... but at the same time you are right that you also deserve a relationship where you are made to feel like a priority. In the worst of times, we should be able to lean on the people we love most. So, it makes sense if it does not feel okay to you that, in his worst times, he flees from you and from his life rather than to embrace you more then.

Again, sometimes we guys are just idiots, though. I'll be the first to admit that. Hopefully he truly just needs a little time to get out of his funk and then things can get back on track. If not, then yeah, you deserve the chance to be free to find somebody who wants to share their whole life with you, both good and bad. If that can't be him, then he needs to set you free to find somebody with whom you could find it. But, again, hopefully it doesn't even have to come to that.

Good luck to you either way.

[Hooo!]

So you say you don't deserve to be treated like this
And then you say you want to continue tolerating this behaviour

Well you must choose 1
If you choose to get what you deserve then be careful to do it from a positive frame of mind (thinking and realizing what you want for the both of you)