Empty soul

[ananaskage]

Hello, i am new to this site, and i would like to share some thoughts i am currently battling with.

My story is that, ive met a guy 2 years ago. Our friendshipday is 22 march. We started out as friends of course, and after some few months, i really started to like him more, and he flirted with me as well, even he admitted that he liked me and so on. But the last few months or this half year has been a tough one.. We have been fighting a lot, argue back and forth, it really hurts me when it has to be like this.. Lately. We had a huge arguement, and i been threatning with leaking private convos to his other friends, but they dont really care about it, but he says he will end all contact if i did, yet he still talks to me. The thing is even if i hate him so much, i still want him in my life, it would be so weird to lose him. We've both really disrespectful to each other.. Last night, i felt so broken and hurt. The other problem is i am dealing lots of mental issues, that also gets me also teared up over small stuff, and i feel like he also has been lying to me.
I can cry for days over our fights, i feel so empty inside. I feel so alone when we don't talk or he just ignores.. It annoys me so much, when hes also rude towards me, calling me ugly names. It hurts.. The one thing i also fear is that. We've been sharing ''pics'' to each other. He once before lied to me about deleting them when i asked him to, 2 months later it turned out he haven't deleted them at all and his excuse was 'too lazy'... He also blocked me a serveral times, and it makes me so pissed he could probably leak them online.. Ugh it makes me so upset over this. Just felt like sharing this, because i feel so broken hearted over it all, i can't barely eat anything, and i spend more time crying, and sleeping, in that case, crying myself to sleep.
He promised me a lots of things he would do with me, such as taking me to a college prom, going to disney world, japan trip and other stuff.
I am starting to think hes just a ''****boy'' but when i call him that, he denies it, and said he has been too nice towards me. When i ask him to do favours, he just avoids me and forget them all.... I am not that easy to get over persons, especially not since we have so many memories together.. It can take me so long. But i really don't wanna lose all hope for him and me.
At the moment, i am just broken inside very deeply, and literally has been suicidal without doing any serious stuff out of it, i just feel that way whenever i feel hurt.

Thanks to people who would spend time reading this.
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[Hooo!]

Get professional help. You do not have a single issue, you have severals. One of them is your "friend"

I personally would delete all relevant data on computer and phone myself and just leave this toxic relationship. However there's more to it and I personally don't feel able to provide help in this order of magnitude.

Especially your suicidal tendencies just need to be talked over with a professional therapist.

Good luck. I hope you find peace quickly

[ananaskage]

''Get professional help'' Really got me butthurt. Because i am already getting help, but the thing is this system is poorly treating mental ill people. So for me, i am getting the wrong help. Yes i am butthurt, sorry. The only thing that keeps my head up, is watching guinea pigs videos, its a therapy for me in some times.

[pcmaster]

Ananas have you been hearing about 7cups? You can chat with non proffesionals too there and sometimes really just talking helps. Google it.

Besides we dont try to offend when saying person needs proffesional help. I understand it as good thing cause a lot of good can come out of it.

[Hooo!]

yes. i didnt mean to be offensive.
however you have multiple issues that cannot be fixed on a mental level alone.

Problems I have identified are:
your friend is no friend
you are being abused
you are being abusing
you are being blackmailed
you are depressed to the point of suicidal
you see no possible plan of action at the moment
you are lonely
you are hurt
and obviously have a tendency to expect other people to mean you harm or ill.

one of those is difficult enough to resolve.
The problem is that even though I would like to help you very much, I personally just dont know where to start. The problem is that even if I knew where to start I would fear of hurting you even more or saying the wrong thing.

And even If i knew where to start and knew how to say the right things it would still require work on your side. It would mean getting yourself up and change.

And that all gets even more difficult due to you being hurt and depressed.
Often that leads to "I have tried that and it doesnt work" or "I wont even try because it will hurt again and not work anyways" and all of that negative thoughts. So even if I knew where to start and knew what to say, I would still need to be extra sensitive and cautious in order to not run into your resitances (like i already did).

I swear I dont mean harm. I wish you all the best. May you find peace and loving companionship.
I feel I just dont have the level of therapeutic skill, nor the level of empathy to help you via forum posts. Maybe theres someone else on here who can.

I have a question for you tho that maybe can help you.
If you want I will ask you, but only if you promise to answer it to yourself.