Frustrated with mind games.

[opgr]

Hello there dear Loveforum,

I'm currently feeling pretty frustrated towards the girl I've been dating/seeing the last 3 months and I certainly need to hear more opinions on the matter.
She's a young lady in her early 20s' and I'm a man in my late 20s'. We started dating and took it real slow as we both liked it that way. A bond was developed and we got ourselves in a passionate relationship.

While everything seems to be going great there is a problem with her playing mind games that DO affect our communication big time. And that is indeed a road bump for me.

She enjoys making me feeling frustrated - she has indeed admitted that it's "fun" for her knowing that I'm getting mad when for example I ask her something via text and she won't reply. Still, even though one is not obligated to answer another all the time, I do consider it being pretty immature to be honest. I'm a man that likes my space as much as I like giving it, thus we're not communicating all the time or even every day.
She feels that "teasing" me this way is somehow a fun game. She does know that it's tiring me out this way but still won't cut it off.
Don't get me wrong. She does know how to be cute and loving and show that she cares for what we have in her own way.

What really drove me off though, was that she told me that I am too "weak" to stop talking to her and that's why it's so enjoyable for her to tease me almost all the time by being ironic and cold at times where she knows that I'll be very much frustrated. As if it is some kind of "weakness" when someone wants to be around their person of interested and affection - be it talking on the phone, texting or just taking a walk.

Right now, we're at the point where I left her place after spending the night there and we haven't texted each other since. It must have been 2-3 days so to speak.
My only thought and action at this very moment is to just ignore her for a while. Talking to her about it would probably make her think I'm being too pushy or clingy since that's all fun and games for her.

What would you suggest I do in this situation? Ignore her till she realizes she's crossed the line and asks what's wrong or just be bold about it, tell her it's immature to act this way ALL the freaking time and that I honestly do not have time for mind games?

Hope all of the above make sense. Feel free to ask anything.

[TheEvilJester]

A little light teasing here and there is no big deal when done all in good fun and within reasonable moderation. ...In this case, I don't personally feel this sounds like "all in good fun" or "reasonable moderation." She sounds incredibly immature to me and I, frankly, would want nothing to do with her at this point if I were you. Now, I acknowledge that MAY be me being a tad overly cynical. So, perhaps that would be too rash a decision. However, what I WILL say for sure is that it is certainly not okay that you've shared with her that you do not appreciate this kind of activity.... yet she shows no signs of stopping.

Let me share with you that it certainly is NOT weak to want to talk to/be with your partner. Especially not in the way you describe it. You say that you two mutually enjoy your space as well as your time together. That, to me sounds perfectly healthy. So, given that, for her to think you need her too much is in my view a sign that suggests perhaps SHE doesn't really deserve you and not the other way around. That perhaps SHE doesn't care ENOUGH not that you care too much.

Now, you say you hate her mind games so what I would personally NOT suggest is you just do the same to her. Not that she wouldn't deserve to know how it feels, but just frankly you don't deserve to have to be put in a position where you feel like you have to play these immature kind of games as the only way to be able to get her attention. Instead, I would recommend you have a stern, but fair and open conversation about it. In other words, don't do it at a time when you are mad at her for it. Allow yourself to calm down first.... then talk to her.

Let her know how that sort of thing makes you feel. Let her know the boundaries/expectations you have and that if she doesn't feel the same way that is perfectly fine for her, but it won't work for you. Frankly, if she likes things the way they are, then that truly is fine for her. But if it doesn't work for you, then let her find somebody who will be just as content with such a passing, casual relationship, If that is the case, maybe you two just aren't quite the same speed, so to speak.

So, talk to her. Either she wants to be with you and can respect and understand your feelings and cut out the childish games.... or the childish games are more important to her.... in which case you should let her go to find somebody just as interested in childish games. Meanwhile, you can find yourself an adult woman ready for a real relationship. Good luck to you either way.

[opgr]

Thanks for taking the time to read on the story and reply back with such great insight.

I do find myself agreeing with everything you posted above. More so that it feels like the little voice inside my head expressed itself.

I've come to the conclusion that what I need to do in the first place, is work on myself. In a sense of being self-content and not afraid of letting things/people go when their time is up. Said time could vary from a long relationship to just a few months of lustful dating. That's indeed the hard part, not the decision itself. If i get to stop caring about what happens when I let it go everything opens up brightly in front of me. I can even see myself happier already in said mindset.

I'll be giving it some more time - probably the end of the week - with no activity from my part. It should help clear the "bad / angry " thoughts I've been having and give enough time and space to her side as well - in case she does care and wants to know what's up with me breaking the normal pattern of contacting her every two or three days. After that I must just state my case and let things go to their natural conclusion - be it positive or not the outcome.

[TheEvilJester]

It sounds like you are on a good path now. I'd agree with the approach you outline here. I also do agree it can certainly help to find happiness within yourself in order to help you not feel the need to find it in others. The only thing I'd say is that I'd caution against going TOO much to the other side of the spectrum. In other words, you shouldn't let a bad experience like this taint you badly enough to where you treat all people as expendable. It is most definitely okay to want a serious/long term relationship.... even one that could turn out to be THE ONE.... It's just a matter of not letting yourself want it so badly that you cling to somebody who doesn't deserve you.

Not an easy balance to find. I know from experience how exhausting life can be in general, and much more the pursuit of love. It can often be hard not to fall into a trap of thinking the one you have is worse than none at all. That, or what may even be worse.... being blinded enough by love not to see that the one you have doesn't deserve you/doesn't treat you right. Anyway, my point is I think you are definitely on the right path.... just be sure you don't travel too far down said path.

Some day you WILL find the woman who actually does deserve you and actually does put in the right amount of attention to the relationship. I most definitely do promote finding happiness within yourself so you don't feel you NEED a relationship.... but that doesn't mean you can't still want one. I think in fact, that is the ultimate goal. To not necessarily NEED love (romantic love, that is) but want it anyway. Good luck to you.

[Hooo!]

I would regard that as evil.
I would also regard it as a shittest.

She wants a man who can prove that he is stronger than her on a dominating mental level.

Did you have sex?

If I were you I'd **** her brains out and then not contact her until she does.
If she doesn't she's not interested. If she does you can turn it around and make fun of her.

I would especially use negs, taunts and dares towards her. Push the girl actively away. Turn it around. Make herself prove to you.

IF you are interested in a girl like that (I personally wouldn't unless I was looking for a zundere fling, which is not my type)

[TheEvilJester]

I'm not saying she doesn't deserve that kind of immature BS turned around on her because she absolutely DOES. But, he himself said he's sick of the games. So, why would he then actively engage in them? He'd be better off just to leave her in his dust and let somebody else play stupid immature games with her. Though, I do get it could be tempting to give her a taste of her own medicine before disappearing on her permanently. I just think, why even bother when he is sick of the games as it is? Frankly, the amount of effort it would take to get her into that situation anyway (given she seems to enjoy these games so much) would be such a waste of time and a frustration that I fail to see how it is worthwhile.

[Titanll]

Is there a shortage of mature, sane women in your area?

[Hooo!]

So, why would he then actively engage in them?

i meant that to be for the case that he actually wants to stay with this girl.
if you stay and ignore the shit she has got you because you tolerate it. If you tolerate shit you are weak = mindgame is successfull.

Is there a shortage of mature, sane women in your area?

i actually laughed out loud at this.

[TheEvilJester]

i meant that to be for the case that he actually wants to stay with this girl.
if you stay and ignore the shit she has got you because you tolerate it. If you tolerate shit you are weak = mindgame is successfull.

Oh yes, agreed on that. If he has any intention of staying with this gal, then I guess he'd better get adept at being immature and childish because it sounds like she does quite enjoy these games. Well, either that or tell her to shape the Hell up or he'll send her packing. It's just... like I said, I don't personally see how either option is worth the effort.

[Hooo!]

Actually some men just like zundere type women.

And by turning those around and being able to master that you are not childish nor immature

You can be nondominant and still mature and vice versa

[TheEvilJester]

No, I agree. I'm not saying you have to be dominant to be mature. In fact, I don't think you should be "dominant." I think a big part of maturity is allowing for equality, not one person being dominant over another. ...All I'm saying is this particular gal isn't giving him much choice. If he insists on staying with her, then either he needs to engage in her childish games, or he needs to tell her to knock it the Hell off. Frankly, I just don't personally think it is worth it. I'd sooner advise just moving on and finding somebody who isn't so immature.