Painfull dilemma

[Petrus]

Since forever I am shy and withdrawn person, I have serious problems with expressing my emotions (I even feel awkward saying Christmas wishes to my mum). I can't "make" new acquaintances by myself, unless other people approach me themselves. As I'm not visiting clubs or pubs (feeling uncomfortable there), I deal mostly with the people that I'm somewhat "forced to" spend time with (eg. classmates). What's curious they usually seem to like me and my grim sense of humour and sarcastic attitude. I also noticed something like pity towards me (or perhaps making fun of me) and attempts to bring me "forcefully" into social life, eg. stubborn inviting me to their parties. My recluse-ness even increased since I moved out to study and live alone in my inherited flat in universital city.
I always "joked" that I'm sentenced to spend life alone, because of that. There was a bit of bitterness in there, because I have no other family except my mother and grandmother, so that means someday I'll remain completely alone and nobody will care if I live or die... But generally I didn't care that much; or so I thought.
I've met someone in the college- a wonderfull girl approached me by herself. Attractive, many common interests, actually she "forces" her company on me (not that I'm opposed to it). We quickly bonded as I've never did before, and I feel comfortable just talking to her without making a sarcastic jerk out of myself that I usually turn out unwillingly with other people. I couldn't believe I felt I'm probably falling in love, as always thought it's impossible for me. Without greater hopes I did subtly some research- yay, "she's single (her previous partner left her few years ago), she's straight, she's not into some strict religion or something freedom of relationships". My hopes towered instantly, but here's where I stuck: I was afraid of potential rejection and ruining this friendship, so rare for me. I kept deluding myself that I'll make my move *soon*. It lasted for months. I did many things to keep as close to her as possible; I coordinated my study plan with her, so to be in one class with her, among others... Christmas came, everyone was returning to their family homes, we bade each other best wishes and "see you soon", kept chatting with each other through this time... And then something struck me- on the new photo on facebook she was hugging with some guy, and her friends wishing them "good luck"... Worrying, but I kept telling myself that people are posting silly trash on facebook all the time, maybe they are just buddies wishing to catch on everyone.
After the new year I subtly asked her about that photo and is that her boyfriend there. She said that yes, and they've met each other here at the beggining of december. She told me that it was he who approached her, and that she has some doubts, as he's working abroad and will be regularly absent for many months. Bad news, but not enough to dash all my hopes. I kept hanging out with her as usual, more even. When given the chance I even spontanelously kept "undermining" it, eg. when she complained about his long absences I smugly remarked 'yup, what's good a guy if he's not here', causing her to smile. I didn't planned it, actually I'm shocked that I dared to do that, and have some minimal sense of guilt about it. My "rival" seems to be much better than me, so can't really compete with him... Anyway time was passing, I still kept my hopes but did not dare to make a move (after all she's still "occupied"), I learned that she'll see him first time in months during Easter for few days and then, to her frustration, he's again leaving. But during this Easter she's changed her relationship status from "free" to "in relationship", thus destroying my selfish hopes that they're few steps from breaking up (even that I know he already was in a few relationships before).
Since then I'm suffering a sickness I'd never ever suspect myself of: lack of appetite, can't sleep, keep thinking about her all the time. I still keep hoping that "maybe someday", but meanwhile with poor effects I attepted to keep away from her (uneasy, as we study together), as it just hurts me to know she has someone else, despite how I adore her company. Recently she approached me asking if she'd made me upset somehow because I seem to avoid her. I excused myself cheaply by need to "catch up with studying, finals are soon", but for a moment I felt serious urge to confess everything I feel, apology for that and ask her to loosen our *friedship* as it tortures me deeply... But that would almost certainly ruin all my chances even if she's free in the future, not to mention I really value even this *friendship*. I know that with my personality I won't even find anyone like her... Should I keep waiting and still suffer hoping that I'll get my chance someday, or am I just deluding myself to the point of malicious obsession of wishing for them to break up and it would be better for both of us to cut it down permanently, as painfull as it would be?

[Hooo!]

Be aware of what you feel. You are became you can write this to use.
Tell people.
Awkwardness comes from not knowing what you are doing while thinking you should.
Practice helps.

Waiting on someone is almost always a bad idea. Being congruent (it is generally good and healthy to be congruent) means you win a love and be open about it as long as you still want that

Practice