Iam depressed and dont know what to do with my relationship (answer asap)

[mynameisasecret]

Hello people,

I recently broke up with my boyfriend after months of being uncertain about my emotions.
I've been going through a lot lately, i'm in therapy and recently found out that I might be suffering from depression and not just mild depression either (something I have already suspected for a few years) and before I met my most recent partner I was going through a very painful breakup from my first love who had emotionally abused me as well as cheated on me from the start of the relationship. During this rough patch in my life i've been dealing with this on top of painful memories of my very difficult school years involving bullying, something that has been brought to surface again through my therapy and something that I have realized still affects me and my confidence very heavily to this day.
My partner and I had always had it very good but he's on the surface a lot as well as me and has never talked about how he feels about me.
He's told me once to my face that he loves me and very few times in text and he never talks about anything related to his emotions for me and I have felt for a long time as though we're nothing but friends since we are literally never intimate with each other either other than hugs and I don't want anything more either since to me he's a close friend so therefore I broke up.
When I found out though that he has no interest in being just friends and that if we break up i'll most likely never see or hear from him again that really made me upset...
I realized that he actually does feel very deep emotions for me after all and to me it just feels AWFUL to lose him and I am afraid I might change my mind because I have not been me lately and I am aware that depression can put a lid on your emotions or even remove them entirely so I certainly don't trust them at the moment at all!?
Anyway this is really tearing on me, I couldn't work today and I just ended up at home with a bottle of wine and my sadness which is pathetic but I just feel so LOST!
I felt so good at first, there's this guy i've been lowkey interested in whom I just randomly bumped into the day after I broke up with the bf, he came up to me and we had a nice conversation and I just felt sooo blessed but then i've just been worried because my (ex)bf have just been ignoring me until he agreed to give me very little more time to decide what I actually want.
You see when I realized how deeps his emotions are I just started felign SO guilty for breaking his heart lie this and I just felt that i'll stay with him if that what he needs to be happy in life because he's a lonley person and I know I mean a lot to him for that reason alone as well but apparenyly he can't be just friends because of his emotions ! ! And losing him altogeher would really suck because goddamn he means so much to me you know!!... I guess we have to let go off friends and meaningful peopel a lot in life but it's the first time I would lose someone so important to me so I don't know how to deal with it but the thing is I am interested in TWO other men who is not him but if that would make him happy for us to be togeher then I would get back with him you know and of course be faithful and all becuase I love him like that I would do that for him I need him I don't know what to do I feel so crushed and it's all this on top of the mess I already am and i'm just so confused and I don't know what do I do next can I handle this am I doing the right thing like what???!
Please help me with some advice or support someone thanks! I cannot think clearly anymore!

[Hooo!]

what do you want?

[TheEvilJester]

Hooo put it very simply, but I honestly think that is exactly the perfect question. Couldn't have said it better myself.

Secret. You go on and on about worrying over what your ex wants. You even go so far as to say you would go back to him if that is what he needs to be happy. Do you know what I didn't hear you talk about at all? What do YOU need to make YOU happy? That is what you really need to worry about. Don't get me wrong. I'm not implying that you should be selfish. I'm not suggesting that people should care only about their own happiness and don't give a crap about the happiness of others, even those for whom they care.

I'm just saying that your own happiness should be of the utmost importance. It is okay to want to make other people happy.... but not when it comes at the expense of your own happiness. You talk about going back to your ex if that is what he needs to be happy.... but would that make YOU happy? Maybe it would in the short term because you would feel good for doing what you think is right for him... but in the long run will it make YOU happy?

Some people are super-affectionate, some people aren't very affectionate at all, some fall in the middle somewhere. So, honestly, if that is just how he is, then that is just how he is. You are certainly right not to blame him for that..... but that still doesn't mean you have to be okay with it. If you need more emotional involvement in your relationship, that is understandable. Cripes, I think most of us would want more emotional involvement than that. It's fine if he is not that in touch with his emotions,... but he's only said he loves you face to face ONCE? And rarely even says it via text? Frankly, that would be a deal breaker for me too if I were ever able to find love.

Don't get me wrong, you shouldn't NEED those words to know somebody loves you.... but it's still something that SHOULD be said, at least from time to time. What's even worse, though, is you say he's not very physically affectionate either. So, honestly, how are you supposed to feel like anything other than just a good friend with him? What exactly distinguishes you being his girlfriend vs. just being a friend if you two don't do anything romantic?

So, bottom line, I think you have every right to move on if you just don't feel like he's right for you. I don't say that to imply that this is DEFINITELY the course of action you should take. If you feel that what you'd really like is if you two could stay together but have a closer relationship (emotionally/physically/romantically/etc.) than you did before, then maybe try talking to him about it. About what you need from a relationship. About why your relationship together made you feel like you two were just friends, and you just need more than that.

Maybe he just has a hard time being open, but he can given time. If that could work for you, and that is what you want, then why not give it a shot before you do give up? On the other hand, if you have just hit a point where you are done with the relationship, that is perfectly understandable. Especially given all you are going through right now, I could certainly understand if you just can't handle being with a boyfriend who you feel you have to basically drag through the relationship. So, if you truly feel it is better for you, then you should just stick to your guns and end the relationship once and for all.

Sure, it will be hard on him at first.... but he will move on. You shouldn't have to bear the burden of being his one and only chance at happiness. That's not your job. His happiness is not your goal to obtain. As for the other guys... you have to do what feels right for you. However, I must say that my personal advice would be not to pursue any further relationships right now. You could probably benefit from some time to focus on you. I know how much depression can suck, and it can be a life-long battle. So, you deserve some time to remember to love YOU. Let relationships come when you are in a better place. By then, you'll be better equipped to have one, and to understand what you want, what is and is not okay for you, etc.

Good luck, friend. I wish you the absolute best, both in this battle you are currently struggling through (as in your depression) and in your love life.

[Stay 2gether]

Rite now i just think that you need sometime to figure out who you are and what you want at this stage in your life because it sounds like you are all over the place rite now, and if so this is not the time for you to be making any decisions the best thing for you to do at this time is focus on you once you get yourself together you will be able to decide, you wanna be sure that you are making the rite decision not decisions based off confused feelings it never ends well! I wish you the best queen and stay blessed.

[mynameisasecret]

TheEvilYester:

It's me who is not affectionate, I have no attraction towards him. 0%. I've tried but he's not my type like that. :/
Now he says he is fine with not having sex although it's what he really wants as long as we stay together whatever that means.
The thing is I also have a terribly hard time being open with my emotions, I am a very emotional person who always feel everything either very deeply or barely at all but I stay quiet about it. As of right now there are TWO people in my life that I am 100% comfortable being myself with, talk about anything with and be open about my emotions and neither of them are my partner... Sure I can be that open with him when he asks me to but I still feel as though he doesn't get me ? I don't know how to explain that feeling but it's like a vibe... I can feel that he doesn't get what i'm saying when I try to explain myself and how I work and my emotions. He keeps asking the same questions over and over without understanding and it comes to the point where I just feel hopeless. He may accept me and my ways but he doesn't understand and I don't think he ever will. That's a problem obviously because my 2 friends both accept me for who I am AND understand exactly what I mean with everything I say. Those 2 are people I always look forward talking to, especially when i'm feeling down or am excited about something because I know they'll understand exactly how I feel and all the right things to say and that is what you need in a partner I have realized lately. It's not easy to find though.

- - - Updated - - -

Stay 2gether:

Thank you, queen!;p

This is what I have tried to explain to my bf, that I need time to figure everything out and I explained all the reasons why but he just keeps taking it personally, getting upset and not understanding.
He's been in the state i'm in for a long time himself in the past so I find it quite odd that it seems he refuses to believe that being depressed can affect your emotions.
He wants me to be exactly the way I was during the period when I was better... I don't know if he thinks i'm content with feeling the way I do lol. Like I have chosen to feel this way only to upset him.

[Hooo!]

Again: your current thought process is not helping you

You elaborate your problem on an on. You want sympathy and understanding from other persons. Both of which is not going to help you much.

You orient your thoughts around your problems
Instead of thinking about how your life should actually be like

This is actually what is causing the depressing thoughts

[mynameisasecret]

Hooo!:

It's what I do and I have been feeling depressed for... about 5 or 6 years with some less depressed periods so this has nothing to do with it although it affects it of course.
My therapist tells me to leave him because his problems are causing my problems to get worse and I am not happy in the relationship and she also tells me I need to stop overthinking everything I do and to stop feeling guilty and putting myself down all the time but I feel guilty all the time - for leaving him because i'm all he got and I feel guilty for staying when I don't want to do anything a girlfriend would do although he claims he's fine with that as long as I stick to him.

This is nothing new, all my life I have done this to all my problems. I think and think and worry, I do this constantly, and it doesn't lead anywhere but I cannot stop.
I worry over all decisions I make including this one, I don't trust myself or my ability to make the right good decision. That's who I am! Nothing new to me lol. I just need to find a way to finally stop but god knows how long that could take... Maybe someone's had the same problem and has any advice?

[TheEvilJester]

Apologies. Not sure how I misunderstood your story. Though, to be honest, your clarification doesn't really change my opinion very much. In fact, I think I may even feel a little more solidly in the camp of you should just end it. And, again, I can't tell you what to do, I can only offer my thoughts. So, you have to do what you think is right for you.

However, you say you do not find him attractive at all. Now, is that because you specifically don't find him attractive, or do you feel like that is a problem you have in general? In other words, do you have a problem with EVER feeling that way about anybody.... or do you just not find him attractive?

Because, if you sincerely just don't find him attractive, then that is okay. We can't help who and what we do or do not find attractive. You can't force yourself to see him that way if you do not. So, whether he wants to accept it or not, he would be better off to give himself the chance to find somebody who does find him attractive and want to be with him. By the same token, though, you deserve just as much to find somebody you actually do find attractive.

I think is great you want what is best for him. The thing is... most people who have a relationship.... that relationship isn't the end-all be-all in their life. There are other people and other things in their life as well. If you are the one and only thing in his life worthwhile, that is HIS problem, not yours. That is a terrible burden to put on somebody. He shouldn't put that on you (whether it his intention or not) and this is a great example of exactly why. You don't want to be with him anymore.... but you feel obligated because he has nothing/nobody else. But, that shouldn't have to be your problem. That is his problem. Believe me, I don't mean that to sound selfish or heartless. It's just, my point is he can't expect you to be his one and only shot at happiness. He needs to get out there and find other people that enrich his life. Friends, family, whomever. You should not be stuck in a relationship you don't want just because you worry your partner would be left with nobody.

Good luck to you either way. It never hurts to work on self-improvement, so if there are things about yourself you think could be better I am all for that. But, do if for you and not for somebody else. Depression is not an easy battle. I know that from experience. Mostly, you have to find the strength in yourself. It isn't easy, but you CAN do it. ....But, having good people around you for support can also help.... but not when it is the wrong people/people who only bring you down further whether they mean to or not.

[Hooo!]

bullshit.

who is in charge of your mind and thoughts?
Can you think of a hughe white and blue striped elephant right now?
I know you can.

So if you dont like the way you are thinking you can change it.

You have formed a habbit of thinking problem focussed. (or to say it otherwise you are "worrying" or are in a worrying frame of mind)
Your therapist tells you to stop overthinking. Its not that you OVER think its that you USELESS think. The way you think about reality is not helping.
Up until now you have formed a habbit of thinking that way.

However to just be like "well this is who i am" is utter bullshit. This is who you were up until now. You can ofcourse continue to be who you are right now.
Or you can change.
You can hone your thoughts like a gardener his garden. You can continuously work towards a more sollution and need base oriented frame of mind.
For example: if you think about a problem you can always ask yourself: ok this is what is the problem. So: what do i want instead?
how can I get there? what would be the steps? what else can i do? etc

if you constantly think about problems and not sollutions its no wonder you are "depressed"
and thats not who you are. thats what you think...

Forming new habbits. Beggining to change into who you want to be is a possibility. You can make a decision if you want to. And you can make decisions not because you dont want something, but you can make decisions in order to achieve something you want.

[TheEvilJester]

Agreed with Hooo. Believe me, I know myself what it is like to over-think everything. I sincerely wish there was some magical bullet to fix it I could share with you, but there honestly isn't. It's not easy, it just takes some practice, so to speak. I think the wrong way to go about it, though, it to think you can STOP that about yourself. That is something it is highly unlikely you would ever be able to change about yourself, so the idea is not to expect that some day it will just stop. More so, at least from my personal experience anyway, the solution is to know yourself well enough to realize you do this.... and to therefore also engage your intellectual side to better realize when you are doing this and re-direct your thoughts back to the more rational.

Believe me, I know that is SO much easier said than done. I know that from experience. But it CAN work. I do it myself. I always wanted to change that irrational over-thinking side of myself, but I just can't help it. So, I learned, instead, to realize when I was doing that. To engage my intellectual side and be able to rationalize that I am over-thinking, freaking out over nothing, or whatever was the particular case in any given moment. At first, it doesn't make it FEEL any easier, but it did at least allow me to make a decision/conclusion in cases like that rather than to just keep obsessing over what would be the right choice. After some experience, you'll see that things generally turn out okay. That, often times, in a situation where you can't decide what is the right choice, it is because there really isn't any ONE right choice. There can be multiple right choices, it is just a matter of which is right for you.

Again, I don't even begin to pretend that is easy. I know it is not. But, it CAN work. It has for me. It isn't like I completely changed. I still have moments were I get myself worked up and freaked out over things when maybe I shouldn't.... but it has made it easier for me to realize when I am doing that and thereby react to it better and more constructively.

Good luck to you once again!

[Hooo!]

you cant stop thinking
but you can decide to think about something else.

Sometimes (and im sure you know the feeling) I have come to a point where all of my scenarios of the future are pointless, because i simply dont know whats going to happen.
This is when I stop and ask myself what i want to make happen. Then I ask myself what i should do in the worst case scenario (sometimes thats just: you will see when u get there)
and then i ask myself how to create my dream case scenario , or a scenario thats even better then that.
And then i go for it.

If i find myself returning to stupid thoughts then i think about something else. Like a song or a book or whatever.


It is important that you are aware of your inner dialouge. Sometimes its even the voice that matters.
Some peoples voice inside their heads is just not nice. It matter how you think towards yourself and you can change that at will.
If you think this might be an issue then we can work on it.

[mynameisasecret]

I have been changing my thoughts in the past, I started forcing myself to think positive thoughts when I was around 13 years old and it really turned things around for me until I lost all my motivation entirely, so I know that it can work. Now it's harder for me because I am in a state of mind where I feel like there is no point in anything. I guess for some people life is harder for certain reasons and I am one of those people and it can get better and I am on the right path with getting help but it's a really slow process and that makes me lose faith as well and I wonder how long is it gonna take... But at the same time I know i'm doing progress because a few years ago I would never have had the courage to go see a therapist and it's still hard for me because it feels like yet another reason to feel ashamed of myself. It's like that all the time, I feel good about something then the bad feelings come out of nowhere like some invisible bullies and push me down again, if that makes any sense.

[richiro]

situations like these are clinical, not social. therefore it requires professional help - not anectodal.
noen of this is a reflection upon you as a person - it just means there are things beyhond your control going on within you (chemically, dna-wise, etc.) that require assitance professionally to help stabilize a bit and help the world become more withiin more reasonable boundaries for you and more towrads how humans were built to perceive and react to things.

Please don't try to self-medicate, self-diagnose, or battle this on your own. Support groups, continued therapy and listening to a professional is what will help most here - at which point then you can figure out what things work for you to get you thru.

I am not clinically depressed but did go thru a very very tough period of life a long time ago and found some things that worked for me and got me thru each day and that is reall your focus here. Not to tackle overhwelming mountains at a time, but small rocks one at a time. For me, that was just finding a way to get thru each day, finding a purpose for the next day. 'Lo and behold i did that one day at a time for about 3 yrs and i was out of my situation and have never looked back.

one thiing that still sticks with me, maybe it will help you r not, was i told myself, "listen self. i am going thru SO MUCH, enduring SO MUCH, workign SO HARD .... i DESERVE to keep goin util i atleast experience 1 day of the REWARDS! I DESERVE to experience a day of a wonderful life...". So that's what drove me. I tol dmyself once i experience that - then i'm free to do whatever i feel is best, but UNTIL THEN.. i wasn't to stop or jeopardize GETTING to that day.

The other main thing that helped me was.. I didn't take setbacks or react to them. I didn't worry about getting derailed or sidetracked. As LONG as i was still going in the same general direction - and if i could JUST keep going in the same general direction - i would eventually reach my goal. So if i had a bad day or a relapse - oh well. that was okay. I was still going in the right general direction.

Those 2 things drove me for 3 yrs and again.. an impossible situation was overcome and everything i learned about myself, what i was capable of, how to survive, tools to achieve what i needed or had to achieve - they have all come in SUPER HANDY now that i can use them to BETTER my life, not just survive my life.

Best wishes to you and keep that head up and keep fighting FOR YOURSELF. You're damned worth it so keep fighting for the cause!

[TheEvilJester]

I have been changing my thoughts in the past, I started forcing myself to think positive thoughts when I was around 13 years old and it really turned things around for me until I lost all my motivation entirely, so I know that it can work. Now it's harder for me because I am in a state of mind where I feel like there is no point in anything. I guess for some people life is harder for certain reasons and I am one of those people and it can get better and I am on the right path with getting help but it's a really slow process and that makes me lose faith as well and I wonder how long is it gonna take... But at the same time I know i'm doing progress because a few years ago I would never have had the courage to go see a therapist and it's still hard for me because it feels like yet another reason to feel ashamed of myself. It's like that all the time, I feel good about something then the bad feelings come out of nowhere like some invisible bullies and push me down again, if that makes any sense.

Oh God, I so know how you feel. It honestly IS a life long struggle. Sometimes it is easier, sometimes it is harder. And believe me, I can relate to that bitter, angry feeling of wondering why it seems like it is SO much easier for everybody else and yet SO hard for you. Again, I wish there was an easy solution, but it is just a constant struggle. Sometimes are better than others. During the bad times, sometimes all you can really do is keep fighting and hope for the better days to return.

But... agreed with the others. It is NOT a sign of weakness to admit when you could use some extra help, nor is it a sign of weakness to accept it. So, good for you for seeking out therapy. Good luck with that. You truly should not have to suffer alone. Especially not when a trained professional may be able to help you. Maybe you COULD get through it on your own.... but with the right professional you may be able to do so much more quickly and effectively.

Good luck to you!