Demanding?

[Kristin99]

So I have been dating my boyfriend for two years. We live six hours away from each other, but we grew up in the same neighborhood. He will be moving back home next year. Almost every weekend I make the drive to see him. I am getting my masters and work full time, so to make the drive and see him really puts a lot of stress on me. He doesn't come up to see me often because he is in the process of remodeling his house to sell it. I go down almost every weekend to help him with his house. I was completely fine with making the sacrifice to drive there every weekend and help him, but recently something changed. We had looked at engagement rings and picked one out together, but he did not buy it. The ring was $6000, which I know is expensive, but we both have really good jobs. He told his parents about the ring and then all of a sudden he calls me "demanding" and basically said I was spoiled. I'm so upset because I've spent well over 6k driving to see him every weekend and helping him for the last year on his house. Other than this ring I have never wanted anything materialistic from him. I even said I'd buy the ring or split the cost.

I feel like because I've been so willing to help and compromise in this relationship he is starting to take that for granted. It seems that whatever I want (which doesn't come around often) is brushed under the rug. I feel like if I have a conversation with him I am going to blow up. Any advise? I'd appreciate all views.

[melancholia]

If I were you, I would stop going down to see him every weekend. You also need to talk to your boyfriend about this, especially if you have plans to get married in the future. His behavior is obviously a concern for you and it's becoming a problem, and unless you two can talk about it and work out those issues, it will not get better and it is likely to get worse. Talk to him about how you two can compromise on your visits, and also speak to him about how it made you feel when he said those hurtful things to you. If you continue to sweep it under the rug, you will blow up at some point and the problem will be much worse, and possibly irreparable.

[CleanCut]

$6000 is way too much to spend on any woman, lol. Seriously though, IMHO, that kind of money should not be wasted on something like that, save it for the wedding instead. Besides, If he is remodeling his house, most of his money is probably tied up right now anyways. Wasting 6k on a ring certainly isn't going to make anything in the relationship better, it will just put more strain on it if anything.

[melancholia]

[MENTION=69470]CleanCut[/MENTION], I think you are focusing on the wrong issue here. The issue isn't the $6000 for the ring, it's the fact that the OP feels her efforts in going to visit him every weekend are not being acknowledged or reciprocated. For some people $6K for a ring is acceptable, and for others, it's not. If it was such a big deal for her BF, he could have discussed that with her in a much more pleasant way instead of calling her demanding or spoiled -- which the OP doesn't come across as by reading this. That's really beside the point. I think the OP's addition of that comment was to say that she's spent well over that amount of money in travel expenses and time going to visit him, and she can't seem to understand why he doesn't want to compromise, plus she said she was willing to split the cost, so she continues to try to negotiate with him and compromise and those efforts are not being acknowledged by her BF.

She is working on her Masters while he remodels his house, so they are both busy and have obligations that tie them down to their respective lives, but she has consistently been the one to make the effort to travel to him and she is starting to feel resentful about it. Let's focus on the actual problems, one at a time, and give advice toward that, instead of push our irrelevant opinions onto her about how much an engagement ring should cost.

[CleanCut]

[MENTION=69470]CleanCut[/MENTION], I think you are focusing on the wrong issue here. The issue isn't the $6000 for the ring, it's the fact that the OP feels her efforts in going to visit him every weekend are not being acknowledged or reciprocated. For some people $6K for a ring is acceptable, and for others, it's not. If it was such a big deal for her BF, he could have discussed that with her in a much more pleasant way instead of calling her demanding or spoiled -- which the OP doesn't come across as by reading this. That's really beside the point. I think the OP's addition of that comment was to say that she's spent well over that amount of money in travel expenses and time going to visit him, and she can't seem to understand why he doesn't want to compromise, plus she said she was willing to split the cost, so she continues to try to negotiate with him and compromise and those efforts are not being acknowledged by her BF.

She is working on her Masters while he remodels his house, so they are both busy and have obligations that tie them down to their respective lives, but she has consistently been the one to make the effort to travel to him and she is starting to feel resentful about it. Let's focus on the actual problems, one at a time, and give advice toward that, instead of push our irrelevant opinions onto her about how much an engagement ring should cost.

Well, any effort or money I put into women certainly never gets returned, so I guess that is just the way it is on both sides then. Maybe we would all be better off if no one bothers with trying to maintain relationships these days as they just don't seem to be worth the hassle.

[melancholia]

Sure, you could do that. Or you could stop buying into this victim mentality you've created and start taking some ownership over your own life and the decisions you make as an adult.

[CleanCut]

I'm not buying into any "mentality" just stating my experiences which boils down to the conclusion that putting effort into trying to start relationships just ends up wasting time and money.

[melancholia]

What's the common denominator in your experience? You. Either you're choosing the wrong people to start relationships with or meeting them at the wrong time. Save this for your own thread that's active. Try to focus more on the OP's original question in this thread.

[CleanCut]

What's the common denominator in your experience? You. Either you're choosing the wrong people to start relationships with or meeting them at the wrong time. Save this for your own thread that's active. Try to focus more on the OP's original question in this thread.

I'm definitely not the issue any relationship I try to start, I give them exactly what they say they want in a relationship with full effort put towards their happiness and it is just never enough for them. As far as choosing the wrong people, that doesn't make much sense since you don't how people are going to be in a relationship just by looking at them or even from a few dates of course. I date a variety of woman types since I primarily use online dating.

[melancholia]

[MENTION=85386]Kristin99[/MENTION], have you been able to talk to your boyfriend about this situation yet?

[Hooo!]

i think thats exactly the issue
the boy is having materialistic issues (aka im not wanting to spend 6k on a ring) and the girl is making emotional drama out of it.
And i can understand both.
easy solltion: tell him how you feel
and then work something out for the ring.
If you feel thats a general issue then solve it together.

A relationship includes talking about things that are not working and finding sollutions for them. If you cant handle that then youd better not be in any relationship anyhow.
If you feel mistreated you must communicate that. If he thinks you are being materialistic and spoiled if you want a 6k ring: you probably are. However i dont see the problem if you really want to treat yourself and if you share the bill.
its your money then - not his.