Am I jealous, crazy, or do I have a point?

[NinaDreams]

Hello!

My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months. We dated previously for about 6, and broke up during last summer.

He's in his mid 40's (I'm in my mid 30's) and lives in a townhouse style home. His neighbors are 2 29 year old attractive single women.

When we first got back together around 8 months ago, he had mentioned how he had gotten close with his neighbors over the summer since they share a yard, a wall, etc.

They grilled out, had bonfires, would walk to the corner bar, maintained a backyard garden together.

I didn't really think too much of it at first and it was not troublesome. Then I have noticed that there have been some patterns with the behavior and interaction.

First, it is not uncommon for them to text my boyfriend late at night asking him to come out drinking with them. I find this annoying.
Secondly, On more than one occasion (probably 3-4 times in the last 8 months), they have stood outside of his 2nd story bedroom window late at night (later than 11) assumedly drunk, screaming for him or at us.
On St. Patrick's day night, they stood outside of his door at 2:30 am banging on it and screaming for us to wake up.
On a Wednesday evening, they texted him at 11pm while we were in bed, asking him to come out to the bar with them.
When we are sitting in his living room with the windows open, on a couple of occasions, one of them has popped her head into the window to say hello uninvited and unannounced while we were together on the couch.
When I had him over to my house for a Christmas party, one of them texted him wanting him to come home because her ex boyfriend was allegedly walking around their house making her uncomfortable (Why not call the cops if it's truly a concern?)


All of this happens probably, on average, once a week or so when I'm with him.
Every time we are outside, enjoying a glass of wine, or grilling, they join. It's like an unspoken invite between them.

My frustration lies with not only their (what I consider to be) inappropriate, immature, and disrespectful behavior, but the fact that my boyfriend has not addressed it and put a stop to it and implemented some reasonable boundaries.

I have gently brought up to him before that their behavior makes me sometimes feel devalued/disrespected and that I don't appreciate the late night screaming or texts. He has defended it or brushed it off as "they're just young" or "they're my neighbors, what do you want me to do?"

I don't necessarily think anything sexual would ever happen and it's not really that I have a problem with them being friends. I also don't necessarily think there's a sexual interest or that he would cheat on me with them.

They do talk to me, are friendly with me and kind to me, but this behavior is beyond irritating.

One of them was mentioning this past weekend that she was considering moving. My boyfriend subsequently told me that he didn't want her to move. He explained it was only because he likes knowing who is living next to him.

I spend 3 nights a week with him. I can only imagine the kind of crap they do when I'm NOT there since they intrude so often when I am.

Am I being jealous? Should I bring this up to him, and if so, how?

[melancholia]

Have you ever tried talking to these women about their behavior? It's possible you could become friendly with them, if you establish some boundaries with them since your boyfriend has failed to do that. However, I don't necessarily believe that you're not worried something deeper may be going on between your boyfriend and these ladies. I'm not saying anything necessarily has happened, but I think YOU think something might have happened, or could happen. Otherwise you wouldn't feel jealous or wonder if your feelings are irrational, especially when you say you worry about what they might do when you're not around.

You're asking if you should bring this up to him, but you say you have already brought it up to him and nothing has come of it. You can try again, or you can go directly to the source and speak to his neighbors about their behavior. Frame it in a friendly, yet firm way and let them know that you're cool with them being friends with him (if you actually are cool with it), but that you would appreciate it if they would be more respectful in their approach when they want to hang out with him.

It doesn't seem like that big of a deal, at least not in my mind. But it all depends on how deeply you trust your boyfriend.

[NinaDreams]

He has told me nothing has ever gone on between them and nothing would. I believe him. I believe it to be more of an ego stroke on his end of things I suppose. And you are correct: I don't mind at all that they are friends, but I want some respect and I want some boundaries. There's no reason I should have to tolerate drunken screaming at 2:30 am when I'm in bed with my boyfriend. None. It's unacceptable.

[melancholia]

Well if you aren't worried about him acting inappropriately with his neighbors, then you aren't jealous. You're annoyed and that's perfectly understandable. You can try talking to him again about it and see if you can get anywhere with another conversation about your wish for him to establish boundaries with them, or you can politely (yet firmly) have that conversation with the neighbors yourself. I wouldn't tolerate that either and I'd be talking to them about it. Make it clear you're cool with them, but that it's not acceptable or respectful to be banging on your door or calling your BF late at night, for any reason.

[TheEvilJester]

To be 100% honest with you, I'm as perplexed as you. Don't get me wrong.... I get some people are more social than I perhaps am myself..... But to me that screams inappropriate. Not inappropriate in a way like I think your boyfriend would cheat on you... not inappropriate in a way that I think those women want to cheat with him...

Just inappropriate in an invasion of privacy kind of way. I would be tempted to punch my neighbors in the throat if they did this kind of stuff to me. LOL! It's one thing entirely to be friends/friendly with neighbors. I see absolutely nothing wrong with that. What I simply cannot understand is how your boyfriend or his neighbors can possibly not see any problem with things like:

- Them texting/calling at all hours of the night
- Them just popping their head in your window uninvited
- Them standing outside their window screaming across the way to him/you both
- Them calling/texting/screaming/banging to get his/your attention WHILE YOU ARE SLEEPING (late at night)

I don't know...maybe I am the weird one, but all of those things seem COMPLETELY unacceptable to me. Honestly, I wouldn't appreciate these sort of things from ANYBODY. Not even my best friend. Me personally, I'm not AT ALL a fan of the "pop in." In other words, somebody just showing up un-announced and uninvited. To me, that shows no respect for the fact that I am a human being with my own plans, my own wishes, etc. Maybe I was already up to something.... or maybe I had plans to just have a relaxing day of doing nothing and was looking forward to that. So, I don't like doing social things without at least some pre-planning. That's just me, though.

Thing is... if it doesn't bother your boyfriend, then there is nothing wrong with it.... FOR HIM. That was fine when he was alone. He's not alone now, and presumably he'd like to keep it that way.

So, I guess the good news here is, at least from what you've shared... it doesn't SOUND like he doesn't care, it doesn't sound like he ACTUALLY doesn't value you, it doesn't sound like he's ever going to cheat with these women. It sounds like he, honest to God, just does not think there is anything wrong with it. I may think he's frigging insane.... but it doesn't seem to me like there is anything malicious in it.

My normal suggestion would be to talk to him about it..... but it sounds like you HAVE done that. I guess, my next question would be exactly how/how much did you talk about it? In other words, by "talk about it" I don't mean just sort of in passing, which it sounds like maybe you did. I could be wrong, but reading your account of talking to him about this, I get the impression it was more just a quick thing. Like you told him it makes you feel devalued, he said no, that's not how he means it at all/he just chalks it up to them being young.... and then you left it at that. So, maybe to his mind he thought you understood and accepted that response.

More so, what I mean is to actually sit down and have a calm and fair, but firm discussion about it. Just something like:

"I love the neighbors, don't get me wrong. Heck, I love to hang out with them sometimes. But, it's just I don't appreciate them just dropping by whenever they want or calling/texting all hours of the night. I'm not saying they need to stop completely, I'd just appreciate if we could establish some reasonable boundaries."

Something like that, but obviously put that in your own words. I don't really know how to human properly, so I never know if I am wording things like that well. LOL! From there, just have a conversation about it. Not at a time when you are annoyed about it because you want to try to keep heightened emotions out of it as best you can.

When it comes down to it, if he won't do anything about it then I do agree that it is okay for you to talk to them instead.... I just personally don't feel like you should HAVE to in the first place. They are his neighbors, not yours. So, hopefully he will understand if you talk to him about it and will want to make you happy. Heck, you can even maybe talk to them together.

Good luck to you either way. Hopefully this goes well. I get that maybe he doesn't mean any of this to upset you.... but I, for one, can certainly understand why these things feel inappropriate to you because I'd feel the same way. Hopefully it goes well and you can all remain friends.... just with appropriate boundaries.

[NinaDreams]

Thank you SO MUCH for this message. I think you hit the nail on the head. I don't think they're screwing around physically or anything like that when I'm away and I trust that he is faithful to me. And I don't care if they're friends. I don't care if we have a drink with them now and then or if we even do dinner now and again. I don't care if they go to him for advice or ask him for help moving things.

I'm just annoyed with their lack of respect and their invasion of privacy and the rudeness of it all and mostly, I'm annoyed with his lack of reaction to it.

Thank you for saying, him being fine with this was FINE, when he was single last summer. He's not anymore and this is irritating.

To answer your question, you were 100% correct. Our conversation about it was very quick, I did not communicate how much it truly bothered me. I had just made mention that I wanted the 'appropriateness' button to be adjusted on their friendship and he said he understood, and that they were just young and immature and it was all completely innocent.

Perhaps, once they late night text or scream (which I'm certain will happen very very soon) I will bring this up. I do not want to spend the summer fighting for an ounce of privacy or respect.

[TheEvilJester]

Yeah, again, I'm with you on being perplexed as to why he'd even be okay with this at all.... even if he didn't have you. But, again, I chalk that up to me not exactly being Mr. Social. So, maybe it is just my more private nature that makes me think I would HATE people who think they can just pop in on me like that any time they damn well please. Or text at inappropriate late/early times.

So, that I could let slide if I were you.... but the important part is how he reacts knowing now that it upsets you. He knows now, but if nothing has changed then maybe he DID honestly think that you didn't discuss it any further because his explanation worked for you. We men can be bone-heads sometimes. So, though you or I may expect that he'd understand you're not okay with it and do something about it.... maybe he sincerely actually just thought that his explanation made you understand/feel better and hence it no longer bothered you.

So, since you did say you "discussion" with him about it was really much more just quick and in passing.... if the same actions still continue, then a more serious talk may help. So, I think you have a good idea of waiting to see if/when this happens again before you bring it up. The only thing I'd say is that maybe right after it next happens is not the best time, but rather wait to discuss it later. At least, that is, if it gets you very upset/annoyed. Whenever possible, it is best to get into a discussion when you've let yourself calm down over the situation, rather than in the heat of the moment. I know myself, and if I were in the same situation and didn't wait for me to calm down, I'd respond more out of a place of being very annoyed (and therefore possibly come off sounding more hostile than I attend) rather than just from a place of fairly wanting my needs to be understood.

Good luck to you again. Hopefully it goes well and you are all able to remain friends.... but in a way that doesn't invade your "personal space bubble," so to speak. I for one, greatly value my personal space bubble.

[NinaDreams]

Thank you Jester.

Interestingly enough, last night, I went over to his house. I was in a bad mood, just one of those days, and he wasn't feeling well. I didn't think it was a good time to bring it up because of that. We went out on the patio for a glass of wine, and no sooner did I sit down than I heard SCREAMING. The neighbor ladies were walking home from the wine store with an armload of bottles, screaming to me how they had texted my boyfriend 'around 15000 times' with no response. I knew why: they wanted him to party with them last night.

The joined us outside for maybe 10 minutes and my boyfriend decided it was too cold and wanted to go in the house.

Around 30 minutes later, we smell smoke, and they're out back trying to light a fire. My boyfriend left me alone in the house for around 10 minutes helping them to start a fire. While this may not seem like a huge deal, I'm at the end of my rope with my patience.

I'm going to be staying with him this weekend, so given this latest circumstance, it will be a great chance to have a rational, more firm and serious discussion, about it.

[melancholia]

Talk to him this weekend. Do not delay it any further or the issue could become irreparable.

[CleanCut]

Hello!

My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months. We dated previously for about 6, and broke up during last summer.

He's in his mid 40's (I'm in my mid 30's) and lives in a townhouse style home. His neighbors are 2 29 year old attractive single women.

When we first got back together around 8 months ago, he had mentioned how he had gotten close with his neighbors over the summer since they share a yard, a wall, etc.

They grilled out, had bonfires, would walk to the corner bar, maintained a backyard garden together.

I didn't really think too much of it at first and it was not troublesome. Then I have noticed that there have been some patterns with the behavior and interaction.

First, it is not uncommon for them to text my boyfriend late at night asking him to come out drinking with them. I find this annoying.
Secondly, On more than one occasion (probably 3-4 times in the last 8 months), they have stood outside of his 2nd story bedroom window late at night (later than 11) assumedly drunk, screaming for him or at us.
On St. Patrick's day night, they stood outside of his door at 2:30 am banging on it and screaming for us to wake up.
On a Wednesday evening, they texted him at 11pm while we were in bed, asking him to come out to the bar with them.
When we are sitting in his living room with the windows open, on a couple of occasions, one of them has popped her head into the window to say hello uninvited and unannounced while we were together on the couch.
When I had him over to my house for a Christmas party, one of them texted him wanting him to come home because her ex boyfriend was allegedly walking around their house making her uncomfortable (Why not call the cops if it's truly a concern?)


All of this happens probably, on average, once a week or so when I'm with him.
Every time we are outside, enjoying a glass of wine, or grilling, they join. It's like an unspoken invite between them.

My frustration lies with not only their (what I consider to be) inappropriate, immature, and disrespectful behavior, but the fact that my boyfriend has not addressed it and put a stop to it and implemented some reasonable boundaries.

I have gently brought up to him before that their behavior makes me sometimes feel devalued/disrespected and that I don't appreciate the late night screaming or texts. He has defended it or brushed it off as "they're just young" or "they're my neighbors, what do you want me to do?"

I don't necessarily think anything sexual would ever happen and it's not really that I have a problem with them being friends. I also don't necessarily think there's a sexual interest or that he would cheat on me with them.

They do talk to me, are friendly with me and kind to me, but this behavior is beyond irritating.

One of them was mentioning this past weekend that she was considering moving. My boyfriend subsequently told me that he didn't want her to move. He explained it was only because he likes knowing who is living next to him.

I spend 3 nights a week with him. I can only imagine the kind of crap they do when I'm NOT there since they intrude so often when I am.

Am I being jealous? Should I bring this up to him, and if so, how?

Jeez louise, I sure wish I had problems like that! Just box those two 29 year old attractive single women up and ship them over to me, I'll even pay postage. Then both our problems would be solved!

[TheEvilJester]

Jeez louise, I sure wish I had problems like that! Just box those two 29 year old attractive single women up and ship them over to me, I'll even pay postage. Then both our problems would be solved!

LOL! That's a good point, CleanCut. In fact, there's two of them. Send one of them to CleanCut and one of them to me. .....No, on second thought.... send them both to CleanCut. They don't really sound like my type. LOL!

Anyway, I will second melancholia's advice. Talk to him about it this weekend. If something bothers you enough (as it seems perhaps this does) it's not something you can necessarily just ignore and hope it will stop bothering you. The more you try to do that, the more it just bothers you even worse. The more you try to bottle it up, the worse it will blow up when you've finally just had enough.

So, I agree it is best to discuss this soon. Though, again, as I've said, do so at a time when you've allowed yourself to calm down. Don't take that the wrong way. I'm not saying you are wrong to be upset. I think it is pretty clear I've said I would be upset as well in your situation. I'm just saying (and I know this of my own self as well) it is better to discuss something with a level head then it is to do it at the exact moment when you are mad. You can think more clearly and with more of a level head and better get your point across. Don't get me wrong. There are times when it is the right time not to be so level-headed with somebody anymore, but hopefully this won't have to be one of those times.

Good luck to you.

[NinaDreams]

LOL! That's a good point, CleanCut. In fact, there's two of them. Send one of them to CleanCut and one of them to me. .....No, on second thought.... send them both to CleanCut. They don't really sound like my type. LOL!

Anyway, I will second melancholia's advice. Talk to him about it this weekend. If something bothers you enough (as it seems perhaps this does) it's not something you can necessarily just ignore and hope it will stop bothering you. The more you try to do that, the more it just bothers you even worse. The more you try to bottle it up, the worse it will blow up when you've finally just had enough.

So, I agree it is best to discuss this soon. Though, again, as I've said, do so at a time when you've allowed yourself to calm down. Don't take that the wrong way. I'm not saying you are wrong to be upset. I think it is pretty clear I've said I would be upset as well in your situation. I'm just saying (and I know this of my own self as well) it is better to discuss something with a level head then it is to do it at the exact moment when you are mad. You can think more clearly and with more of a level head and better get your point across. Don't get me wrong. There are times when it is the right time not to be so level-headed with somebody anymore, but hopefully this won't have to be one of those times.

Good luck to you.

Well I had a chat with him this weekend and I suppose I'm not certain how I should react to his response.
I had texted him last week just asking kindly if we could have a chat about his neighbor's behavior. He said he welcomed it and told me that he hoped everything was ok, and that I understood that I am his priority.
Sunday, we were in his living room and we heard them out in the backyard screaming. He said "OH, that reminds me...you wanted to chat about them?"

I prefaced it with " this isn't a jealousy or trust issue. It's an intrusion issue. I feel like the screaming for you at 2 am, the all night texts asking you to drink, the banging on your door late at night, every time we're outside being like an open invite for them, etc just sort of feels like we're being intruded upon and it feels disrespectful to me. I don't know if this is your normal dynamic or what to really think of it other than I find it to be intrusive. I understand some of it is a proximity thing; you guys share a wall, a yard, you're neighbors. I get it. But there comes a point where I just would like some healthy boundaries."

and he responded with "well they're young, and I get that they can be obnoxious. Trust me, there have been occasions where they just exhaust me with that crap. And just so you know, they will probably be even more obnoxious in the summer. I don't want to yell at them, I mean, they're my neighbors and my friends and at the end of the day I still have to live next to them. You're 100% my priority though, and this upsets you and I don't like that. I guess the best way that I can really think of to deal with it is to ignore them, because I really have No problem doing that. I feel like it's worse when you're here, to be honest, and I think it's because they want to hang out with us both."

And I said "Ok. Well, I don't feel like their being 'young' is a valid reason for them to be so obnoxious. They're 29, not teens. That's old enough to know that you shouldn't be screaming at your neighbor's window at 2 am, particularly when you know he's in bed with his girlfriend. I think they're old enough to know what kind of behavior isn't appropriate. I get that they're your friends and at the end of the day you have to live next to them- that's why this conversation was difficult for me to bring up; because I didn't want it to seem like I'm making demands of your interactions with them. I'm not necessarily trying to change your dynamic either. But this bothers me and I think you should probably be aware of it. I'm cool hanging out with them now and again. they're fun, and I enjoy the occasional drink with them or bonfire. Sometimes I feel like our relationship is a bit saturated with them, and I am fully recognizing that some of it is because you guys share a yard, etc."

He responded with "Well, last summer, before you and I got back together, Wednesday was always 'the night' that we would hang out. It was the only night that all 3 of us were free to have a drink, have a bonfire, have dinner together, whatever. So now, that time has become time that I spend with you and I don't think they fully understand that it's become couple's time for the most part and just assume that they can still just pop in on wednesdays or drunk text me or whatever. Maybe once in awhile you can come over on thursdays instead if you really don't want to deal with it. Don't think I prefer their company to yours-I'm in the same boat that I don't always want to hang out with them, particularly if I haven't seen you in a few days."
***** note that this comment pissed me off because it made me feel like he wanted me to come over thursdays to party with them on wednesdays.

I told him " Again, I have no problem with occasionally hanging out with them. I don't have a problem with them, as people. I also don't understand why it should be so hard to simply tell them that we want to be alone, or have our own time, or that we have other plans or that it's date night. And I don't see why they wouldn't or shouldn't accept that as adults and subsequently leave you alone for the evening and plan another time to get together. "

He said that absolutely is not a problem.

As we were talking, ironically, one of them poked her head into his dining room window and screamed for him.

We both looked at each other, I rolled my eyes and told him that I felt that I was done with the discussion for the day, and perhaps we could talk about it another time, as I was feeling frustrated. He went outside to see what she wanted, but I could tell when he came back in, there was a look of guilt on his face.

I'm not trying to put him in a hard position. But I guess I just don't understand.

[richiro]

you are a bit crazy jealous with a point

there isn't anything going on between them and certainly if there is it is NOT coming from your bf. if anything they may have that "female competitive" thing going on with you and this is more of a battle of supremecy over his attention (but not his love and affection) between them and you. (Q: is it a specific gal of the 2 that keeps doing this.. or is it both of them? aka is there a ringleader in these antics or no?)

NOW.. my recommendation here is this: talk to your bf and say that this has to stop. You are NOT dictating what he does with them or his friendship with them (unless of course it goes romantic.. THEN its' yoru business) - but when it's 'WE TIME" together for you two.. it's WE TIME. It is up to HIM to manage his friendship with these two and set appropriate boundaries when it's YOUR time together. (of course.. a good gf always allows for some shanningans and lets it go when it's OK...) But purposely interrupting you two during what is usually private time (and yes they are purposely doing this to a degree) will NOT be accepted.

If he can not or it is not a priorioty for him to protect your relationsiph and your time together - well then.. you will have to consider that as part of how he views your relationsihp and its priority to him.

If he doesn't shape up. walk.
if he does... there you have it.

- - - Updated - - -

btw although it is an intrusion issue.. let's be honest.. it is a jealousy issue too. whether you realize it or not.
this is a typical female "territorial" pecking order battle going on.

"no matter what and who you are he will pay attention to me instead of you" type behavior and staking out territory with your bf.

you may not acknowledge that but deep down you know its true (and with them... and they are challegning you b/c you're the queen of his perch right now). so the more genuine, honest, and self-acknowledging you are during these discussions.. the better.

[melancholia]

Truthfully, I think at this point you need to talk to these neighbors yourself. Either your boyfriend is hiding something or he genuinely lacks any capacity to confront people, but either way it appears that he cares more about his neighbor's feelings than yours. At least that's what I'm getting from your update. You never said anything about yelling at them or being rude to them in anyway, or never to see/hang out with them, so his response to that seems very strange to me. You were very clear in your description of your feelings and expectations and he pretty much disregarded them in a way that makes it seem like he understands and cares how you feel, but honestly doesn't sound like he understands or cares at all, at least that's how it comes across to me. Either the screaming and late night texts aren't as bad as you've described or your boyfriend is clearly disregarding your feelings about this and has zero plans to establish any sort of boundaries with them. It's honestly not putting your boyfriend in a bad position at all. He can be kind and thoughtful in his approach to them but he doesn't want to even try talking to them about it.

So it may be time for you to have a chat with them. I would say it exactly the way you said it to your boyfriend, that you aren't telling them to never come around, but that the late night antics are inappropriate and disruptive, and you would like them to respect your boundaries. If they want to invite you both over for a bonfire/bbq/drinks or whatever, they can do that politely, like any normal adult would. If your boyfriend isn't going to put on his big boy panties and talk to them, then someone has to, and that someone is going to have to be you.

[NinaDreams]

you are a bit crazy jealous with a point

there isn't anything going on between them and certainly if there is it is NOT coming from your bf. if anything they may have that "female competitive" thing going on with you and this is more of a battle of supremecy over his attention (but not his love and affection) between them and you. (Q: is it a specific gal of the 2 that keeps doing this.. or is it both of them? aka is there a ringleader in these antics or no?)

NOW.. my recommendation here is this: talk to your bf and say that this has to stop. You are NOT dictating what he does with them or his friendship with them (unless of course it goes romantic.. THEN its' yoru business) - but when it's 'WE TIME" together for you two.. it's WE TIME. It is up to HIM to manage his friendship with these two and set appropriate boundaries when it's YOUR time together. (of course.. a good gf always allows for some shanningans and lets it go when it's OK...) But purposely interrupting you two during what is usually private time (and yes they are purposely doing this to a degree) will NOT be accepted.

If he can not or it is not a priorioty for him to protect your relationsiph and your time together - well then.. you will have to consider that as part of how he views your relationsihp and its priority to him.

If he doesn't shape up. walk.
if he does... there you have it.

- - - Updated - - -

btw although it is an intrusion issue.. let's be honest.. it is a jealousy issue too. whether you realize it or not.
this is a typical female "territorial" pecking order battle going on.

"no matter what and who you are he will pay attention to me instead of you" type behavior and staking out territory with your bf.

you may not acknowledge that but deep down you know its true (and with them... and they are challegning you b/c you're the queen of his perch right now). so the more genuine, honest, and self-acknowledging you are during these discussions.. the better.

Thanks. I guess it hadn't really crossed my mind that any of this was potentially purposeful. I guess that would make sense.
I never thought of it as a territorial kind of thing. And you're right, I can see the whole staking out territory thing. He has dozens of female friends and I have no problem with any one of them, single or not, except these 2.

To answer your question about the ringleader thing, yes, one of them does seem to be the ringleader. She's had boyfriends on and off during the time that I have known her. I think when she doesn't, I feel like she turns up the volume on the obnoxiousness. The other is not nearly as personable, but she has also not participated in a majority of the screaming, the poking her head in the window, etc. It's truly instigated by the one, I think.

They're both beautiful women, they have a lot going for them, they're fun, they're educated. They are also party animals that can be absolutely obnoxious.

If my boyfriend wanted to do something with them, he obviously could and I would never know about it. However, I just don't feel like that's a possibility. As said, I don't think they are sexually attracted to him. He isn't their type and what's more, I trust him. If he wanted to be free, He'd tell me. He was friends with them last summer for months before he came back to me (we had broken up previously for about 4 months).

- - - Updated - - -

Truthfully, I think at this point you need to talk to these neighbors yourself. Either your boyfriend is hiding something or he genuinely lacks any capacity to confront people, but either way it appears that he cares more about his neighbor's feelings than yours. At least that's what I'm getting from your update. You never said anything about yelling at them or being rude to them in anyway, or never to see/hang out with them, so his response to that seems very strange to me. You were very clear in your description of your feelings and expectations and he pretty much disregarded them in a way that makes it seem like he understands and cares how you feel, but honestly doesn't sound like he understands or cares at all, at least that's how it comes across to me. Either the screaming and late night texts aren't as bad as you've described or your boyfriend is clearly disregarding your feelings about this and has zero plans to establish any sort of boundaries with them. It's honestly not putting your boyfriend in a bad position at all. He can be kind and thoughtful in his approach to them but he doesn't want to even try talking to them about it.

So it may be time for you to have a chat with them. I would say it exactly the way you said it to your boyfriend, that you aren't telling them to never come around, but that the late night antics are inappropriate and disruptive, and you would like them to respect your boundaries. If they want to invite you both over for a bonfire/bbq/drinks or whatever, they can do that politely, like any normal adult would. If your boyfriend isn't going to put on his big boy panties and talk to them, then someone has to, and that someone is going to have to be you.

Thank you Melancholia. In terms of hiding something, as you suggest, the more I think about it, the more I believe it to be an ego stroke for him. I don't think he's sleeping with them, wouldn't do that (unless he broke up w me first), and I don't think anything sinister is going on behind my back in that regard. I think maybe he doesn't want to confront them because he doesn't want to give up the attention.

He is 43 and has mentioned before that hanging out with them makes him 'feel young'. While he has said that in a half hearted, joking manner, I suspect there's more honesty to it than I had thought.

When we have gone out with them to bars, they tend to keep to themselves and don't really pay him a great deal of attention. They're kind of in their own little world.

I'm wondering if he likes these 2 young, beautiful women who crave his attention, begging for it despite the fact that they are more than well aware that he's in a pretty established relationship. We've been together 8 months, 6 months before that. We've met each others parents. This isn't in it's infancy.
I think he doesn't seem the harm, because in his mind, 'nothing would ever happen' so what's the problem?

I also think that, looking in from the outside, he's not seeing or caring that the second these women find a boyfriend, or move, or grow tired of this (and one of those 3 things WILL happen relatively soon), they will drop him like a hot potato and not give a crap about him being around or giving them attention. That, to me, isn't a friend or indicative of a true friendship. I think if I knew it were a genuine friendship, it wouldn't bug me the way it does.

It's surface level superficiality and I think it's frustrating to me that he's not willing to drop THAT in order to protect our relationship. They're all just feeding off attention from one another and enjoy drinking together.

If this were 2 males? You'd bet I'd still be annoyed. Admittedly, it's heightened because it's 2 females.

They're neighbors that happen to be drinking buddies.

The intrusions will happen again. And when it does, I intend to take your advice. I will tell him as well as them ( separately) that this is silly, and let's be adults. Stop screaming at 2:30 am, and if they want to do something with him, or us, plan it ahead. And he should back me up on that and not make me out to be a bad guy.

And you're right; I never even hinted at being rude, at scolding, at yelling.

Deep down, I sincerely believes he feels guilty and he knows it's wrong, based on his words and body language. Ever since this convo ( I haven't seen him since) he's been exceptionally lovey dovey in his messages to me. He knows it's not ok and I think he knows it's going to come to a head and get to a point where he has to either set some boundaries or I'm going to re evaluate what I think this relationship means to him.

Do I think he's hiding something? I think if anything he's hiding the fact that he knows it's not right, and he knows that he likes the attention. I don't think he's hiding that he's sleeping w them or anything. I think he doesn't want them to go away and stop making him feel wanted and needed.

- - - Updated - - -

Truthfully, I think at this point you need to talk to these neighbors yourself. Either your boyfriend is hiding something or he genuinely lacks any capacity to confront people, but either way it appears that he cares more about his neighbor's feelings than yours. At least that's what I'm getting from your update. You never said anything about yelling at them or being rude to them in anyway, or never to see/hang out with them, so his response to that seems very strange to me. You were very clear in your description of your feelings and expectations and he pretty much disregarded them in a way that makes it seem like he understands and cares how you feel, but honestly doesn't sound like he understands or cares at all, at least that's how it comes across to me. Either the screaming and late night texts aren't as bad as you've described or your boyfriend is clearly disregarding your feelings about this and has zero plans to establish any sort of boundaries with them. It's honestly not putting your boyfriend in a bad position at all. He can be kind and thoughtful in his approach to them but he doesn't want to even try talking to them about it.

So it may be time for you to have a chat with them. I would say it exactly the way you said it to your boyfriend, that you aren't telling them to never come around, but that the late night antics are inappropriate and disruptive, and you would like them to respect your boundaries. If they want to invite you both over for a bonfire/bbq/drinks or whatever, they can do that politely, like any normal adult would. If your boyfriend isn't going to put on his big boy panties and talk to them, then someone has to, and that someone is going to have to be you.

Thank you Melancholia. In terms of hiding something, as you suggest, the more I think about it, the more I believe it to be an ego stroke for him. I don't think he's sleeping with them, wouldn't do that (unless he broke up w me first), and I don't think anything sinister is going on behind my back in that regard. I think maybe he doesn't want to confront them because he doesn't want to give up the attention.

He is 43 and has mentioned before that hanging out with them makes him 'feel young'. While he has said that in a half hearted, joking manner, I suspect there's more honesty to it than I had thought.

When we have gone out with them to bars, they tend to keep to themselves and don't really pay him a great deal of attention. They're kind of in their own little world.

I'm wondering if he likes these 2 young, beautiful women who crave his attention, begging for it despite the fact that they are more than well aware that he's in a pretty established relationship. We've been together 8 months, 6 months before that. We've met each others parents. This isn't in it's infancy.
I think he doesn't seem the harm, because in his mind, 'nothing would ever happen' so what's the problem?

I also think that, looking in from the outside, he's not seeing or caring that the second these women find a boyfriend, or move, or grow tired of this (and one of those 3 things WILL happen relatively soon), they will drop him like a hot potato and not give a crap about him being around or giving them attention. That, to me, isn't a friend or indicative of a true friendship. I think if I knew it were a genuine friendship, it wouldn't bug me the way it does.

It's surface level superficiality and I think it's frustrating to me that he's not willing to drop THAT in order to protect our relationship. They're all just feeding off attention from one another and enjoy drinking together.

If this were 2 males? You'd bet I'd still be annoyed. Admittedly, it's heightened because it's 2 females.

They're neighbors that happen to be drinking buddies.

The intrusions will happen again. And when it does, I intend to take your advice. I will tell him as well as them ( separately) that this is silly, and let's be adults. Stop screaming at 2:30 am, and if they want to do something with him, or us, plan it ahead. And he should back me up on that and not make me out to be a bad guy.

And you're right; I never even hinted at being rude, at scolding, at yelling.

Deep down, I sincerely believes he feels guilty and he knows it's wrong, based on his words and body language. Ever since this convo ( I haven't seen him since) he's been exceptionally lovey dovey in his messages to me. He knows it's not ok and I think he knows it's going to come to a head and get to a point where he has to either set some boundaries or I'm going to re evaluate what I think this relationship means to him.

Do I think he's hiding something? I think if anything he's hiding the fact that he knows it's not right, and he knows that he likes the attention. I don't think he's hiding that he's sleeping w them or anything. I think he doesn't want them to go away and stop making him feel wanted and needed.