Caught myself

[inkeepingsecret]

Ok Ok, some of you guys read my whole deal. Basically, my ex broke up with me few months back. You know the routine.

Anyways, I've been back on the "dating scene," and everything is cool. I met some interesting fems, but nothin spectacular. With every girl i meet (maybe i shouldn't say it) I tell them right away that i dont want a relationship, not to play a game or anything, just because i dont. It seems they get more interested though. Like a challenge or whatever.

Everything has been causal, with no freaking problems until a few weeks ago. This girl i've been talking to, 28, im 22, had been talking and chilling for about a month. She understood that i didnt want any commitments, but felt that she had the need to give me grief about not seeing her over the weekend? Up until this particular weekend i was liking her a bit. So, one of the nights she calls 17 times in a row, 5 voicemails, the whole nine. I complelty lost interest. Then, ironically, eveything that she proceeded to do, resembled what i did when i was getting dumped.

I sat back while she was pleading, begging, blaming herself, and had an unusual smerk on my face. I felt bad. Then i thought, "is this how my ex was feeling." Yep, thats exactly what she was feeling. I know i know me and this girl werent in love or anything, but it was just weird. I sat there and laughed for a good 10 minutes.

After what? 7 months, I finally realized what the ex was feeling. HHAHAHA i held her on this high ass pedastal, and there was no need too. WOAH i rambled.....

[Asip4u]

It seems like you understand your situation very well. I agree with what you mentioned and sometimes people like to be on the other side where they just sit back and relax while their partner is doing all the work to get closer and in turn end up looking too desperate.

[indigosoul]

Then, ironically, eveything that she proceeded to do, resembled what i did when i was getting dumped...

I sat back while she was pleading, begging, blaming herself, and had an unusual smerk on my face. I felt bad. Then i thought, "is this how my ex was feeling." Yep, thats exactly what she was feeling. I know i know me and this girl werent in love or anything, but it was just weird. I sat there and laughed for a good 10 minutes.

After what? 7 months, I finally realized what the ex was feeling. HHAHAHA i held her on this high ass pedastal, and there was no need too. WOAH i rambled.....

I also think its nice that you understand yourself a little more. However, I would point out that your little epiphany seems to have occurred at the expense of another person. Who IS NOT THE ONE THAT HURT YOU! Even though this person DOES sound a little desperate, it doesn't make them deserving of unnecessary hurt. You could have acted a little more classy by keeping your smirk to yourself and reviewing your feelings a little later. Got a little more growing up to do w/regards to others feelings; perhaps your ex recognized this... in this life, you tend to get what you give. Just food for thought.

[artyemi]

you'd figure that after you've gone through it with your ex, you'd have given the girl more compassion or empathize with her more. but i'm glad that you at least felt bad about the whole thing.

[jay12]

Firstly, i want to congratulate myself and inkeepingsecret, and any others who have made the transition from the 'dumping forum' to the 'dating forum'! Iv only recently started again, and i think im really on the verge of being completely over my ex.

I know exactly how you feel, Im the same...iv actually just got in from my first date since my ex and it went terribly, we had nothing in common and barely spoke - luckily we went to the cinema - but the film was even rubbish!!

Thing is i dont feel bad, iv got another date on thursday with someone different!

My only worry is that im still feeling a bit numb towards other women, and i may not be able to feel anything stronger for a while yet.

[inkeepingsecret]

Firstly, i want to congratulate myself and inkeepingsecret, and any others who have made the transition from the 'dumping forum' to the 'dating forum'! Iv only recently started again, and i think im really on the verge of being completely over my ex.

I know exactly how you feel, Im the same...iv actually just got in from my first date since my ex and it went terribly, we had nothing in common and barely spoke - luckily we went to the cinema - but the film was even rubbish!!

Thing is i dont feel bad, iv got another date on thursday with someone different!

My only worry is that im still feeling a bit numb towards other women, and i may not be able to feel anything stronger for a while yet.

Ya heard!!!!

Yeah, I've been on a bunch of dates. To be honest, i just looking to go out and and have a good time. I never go into the date thinking she could be the "one" or whatever. One plus about being single is not having so much drama in life. On the minus side, all my friends have g/f's, and those stupid girls dont want them to hang out with me as much, because all i feel like doing is going to bars/clubs/parties.

So this is why i am in search of single friends. Its really cool to sit back and look at how wrapped up you were at one time. Also, how irrationally you tend to think when you are "in love." Some of my friends are in the same place i was, denial blah blah blah. It sucks, because you know that atleast a few of them are going to get hit by a ton a bricks.

When i think back about the past, I wouldn't change a thing. Its all a learing experience. Heck, that's what life is all about. The key is being able to recover from things, and better equip yourself for the future.

[inkeepingsecret]

you'd figure that after you've gone through it with your ex, you'd have given the girl more compassion or empathize with her more. but i'm glad that you at least felt bad about the whole thing.

Arty,

I think i had compassion with her. I didnt know what else to tell her. She wanted me to tell her that everything is going to be cool, and we still can hang out. I dont despise the girl or anything, I just dont have any interest. She still calls, and txts. I'll sit there and look at the phone, wanting to pick up to say hey, but i cant because i know what she is going to say. And again, Im not a fan of drama.

Oh, compassion? When we had the drama last week, I said i gotta go, seriously, 7-10 times. She wouldnt let me get off the phone. Picture this. Im sitting in a cirlce with my friends, saying, "please, i dont want to hang up on you, i have to go" This went on for 40 minutes. You should've heard what my boys were saying. This was not my fault, she did it to herself. I eventually hung up on her. what else could i've done??? yep, thats right, nothing!! Some women are crazy!!!

[indigosoul]

Arty,
And again, Im not a fan of drama.

Oh, compassion? When we had the drama last week, I said i gotta go, seriously, 7-10 times. She wouldnt let me get off the phone. Picture this. Im sitting in a cirlce with my friends, saying, "please, i dont want to hang up on you, i have to go" This went on for 40 minutes. You should've heard what my boys were saying. This was not my fault, she did it to herself.

My previous post stands and I agree w/Arty. Your actions belie your statements. Are you perhaps secretly enjoying the drama/attention? If not, they why didn't you excuse yourself somewhere privately away from your friends to deal w/this... Again, you get what you give.

It sounds as if you need to firmly, but politely tell her not to call you anymore. It would be kinder, I'd think. But you seem too immature to suck up enough courage to do this for someone else... Your "boyz" might think badly of you... :sarcasm:

[inkeepingsecret]

I did excuse myself. I actually was back and forth, and i told her that we shouldnt talk anymore, but the call keep on coming. I am not enjoying this drama or whatever, it makes me feel like a dick. Initially, all i was saying that i found it funny, and realised what the ex went thru when she did this to me. Maybe i didnt word myself correctly, or describe the situation well enough in regards to the whole boys thing. T'is all

[artyemi]

Or not pick up the phone call in the first place.
Once, my friend was going through this. I got tired of it. She kept calling and calling and calling, but he didn't pick up. I told her, it's a good thing because that means at least he's helping her go along and move on. He's a dick, after all. So, to prove the point about him not answering a call, we had another mutual friend phone him. He picked up. It made her realize what was really going on.

And in my case, I even asked the guy to not pick up my phone call. He said he would. He'd help me go through it. I even begged him to change his phone number. Begged. Because I knew that in desperation, I'd call. He said he would, but he didn't. He answered the phone call every time, even if it was 3 in the morning. He didn't even change his number. So, after one night, which I swear I could feel the very muscle of my heart ripping like an earthquake had hit, I deleted his phone number from my phone and her phone number too. And everytime I hung out with my friends, they took my phone from me. Once, my friend took my phone away for a week. It helped. And his number is still deleted. So I understand how she feels. It's like you know you're drowning in water, you can't swim, but your arms and legs are thrashing, and thrashing. But you're still drowning.

[artyemi]

Anyway, then, I stopped bringing the phone out with me. It freed me alot! At least, it did for a month.
And I started making "meetings" with other guys. But crazy me, I still called him. But this time, I really attempted the whole friendship thing. I started telling him about other people I was hanging out with, trying to convince everyone that I was happy, trying to convince him that I was happy, and making this appearance of me not being desperate, or obsessed. But I was. I really was. So there, the mind of a girl who's done this. It's my first time. And hopefully my last.

Then, of course, you get to the point where you realize that there's no point in continuing to thrash about. Just lie back. Trust the water, and you'll float (hopefully to safety.)

She just have to get there. You can help by not picking up the phone.

[inkeepingsecret]

She just have to get there. You can help by not picking up the phone.

yep yep yep, this is what i was thinking. I told her how i felt. There is nothing left to say to her, and by picking up the phone, or whatever, I think would only lead her on a bit.

[blue]

follow your instincts this girl seems to be a little unstable for just hanging put and just talking for a few weeks seems a little phyco to me. i would sugest you move on unless u like the attention and the drama then shes definatley good for that

[indigosoul]

I did excuse myself. I actually was back and forth, and i told her that we shouldnt talk anymore, but the call keep on coming. I am not enjoying this drama or whatever, it makes me feel like a dick. Initially, all i was saying that i found it funny, and realised what the ex went thru when she did this to me. Maybe i didnt word myself correctly, or describe the situation well enough in regards to the whole boys thing. T'is all

No contact then IKS. It is your right, of course, to live in peace and kindest for her. Watch out for even innocent friendly overtures at this time. She will over-read into EVERYTHING you do

FYI, there is a behavioural psychology model for decreasing unwanted behaviour. Take a pigeon who pecks a key & gets food everytime. Now you want to stop the keypecking. Two scenarios: 1. You stop giving food. Period. 2. You give food SOMETIMES, but not always.

Wanna guess which scenario has the pigeon pecking longest?? Yup, #2. Same w/ppl. Remember the pigeon when she calls...

[artyemi]

haha indigo... glad you put it in that perpective.

so iks.. don't answer the phone call.