How do I get closure without understanding why my ex dumped me?

[delhi_heart]

Mine is a long story. I am a divorce guy in my late 30s, from India. I have couple of daughters.

6 years ago, when I was still married but things were not right between me and my ex-wife. In India, divorces are frowned upon, so we had not contemplated divorce but used to live in separate rooms, in the same house.

I met a young girl in my office, she was 10 years younger. We fell for each other, I told her about my situation from day-1, and told her that we won't ever be able to marry. She was alright with that and we began our relationship.

After 3 years, she got a job in a new company and we broke-up, but after hardly 10 days, she called and we resumed out relationship. In last four months, she used to repeatedly say that she wanted to return home to me every night, she wanted to sleep in my arms etc. I was moved and for the first time started thinking about a life with her. I started talking to my family, my ex-wise, my kids, my lawyer about the divorce but didn't tell her. Because in India, divorces are possible only when both parties agree. A man can't get divorce if his wife contests it. I didn't want to giver her false hope so didn't tell her.

on 11th April 2015, she had to go to a different city for bachelorette party of her friend. I picked her up from her place, dropped her at the airport, she kissed me and said she loved me. There in the party, she saw couples and how they were together, saw her friend getting married, got angry and broke up with me over phone.

I was already deep into the process of getting divorce so didn't say anything to her. I expedited the process and filed for divorce in 37 days. But when I went to her with that news, it didn't matter to her. She said she is already seeing somebody else and won't ever come back to me. I tried to reason with her but to no avail.

She was being seen with this new guy everywhere, he was spending nights at her place. My/our friends saw this and started mocking me saying that I left my kids for a woman who dumped me like that. She had blocked me everywhere and I wasn't able to talk to her.

This shame, hurt, anger, rage and frustration turned into a deadly cocktail and I barged into her home one night. I had gone there to talk, but there things turned ugly. She hit me, I hit her back. In the past, we always made love whenever we made up after a fight. I tried to force myself upon her thinking it'll smoothen things. Thankfully sense prevailed, and I stopped halfway.

After that I tried to blackmail her through our sexts and some of her nude pictures to come back to me. This madness went on for 50 days, after that she told me that I can do whatever I want but she won't ever come back.

It had been two years since and I have no idea where she is. But I still love her as much. I go through cycles of guilt and rage. I am still not able to understand, why she didn't return to me even after I had made a life with her possible. I am still hurt that she able to move on so much in 37 days, that she was already going out with another guy and wanted anybody else but me. And I am of course guilt-ridden due to my later action.

My life has totally stalled, I still love her madly and am not able to do anything about it.

Please advice.

[Hooo!]

karma

I dont believe that you love her. you have an obsession.
You obviously do not even know what the girl is thinking and reasons why she left you.
And you obviously dont even seem to wonder or to care for her.
Blackmailing someone you love? I dont think thats even possible.

[delhi_heart]

karma

I dont believe that you love her. you have an obsession.
You obviously do not even know what the girl is thinking and reasons why she left you.
And you obviously dont even seem to wonder or to care for her.
Blackmailing someone you love? I dont think thats even possible.

I do love her, I left my whole previous life for her. It wasn't obsession.

I knew what she wanted; she wanted to be with me. I delayed due to a misplaced sense of responsibility towards my kids, but I realized my love for her took precedence over everything and I did whatever I could to be with her.

I am ashamed of the blackmailing. I had left everybody to be with her, I was all alone, a life without her seemed impossible and in that desperation I tried to blackmail her into loving me. I never asked for anything else except her love. I admit it was shameful and I regret every moment of it.

I do care for her. I care for her more than anything else. But I also love her. I miss the moments spent with her. We never really fought before the break-up, it was abrupt, so I I could never brought myself to accept it.

[Hooo!]

I knew what she wanted; she wanted to be with me.

obviously not

you have a distorted perception.
She obviously did not want to be with you.

That and the fact that you were indeed blackmailing her lead me to the strong impression that you indeed do not love her for her sake.
You love being with her, you love having her company and having sex with her.
But loving her in that way that you just want her to be happy no matter the price - i dont see that there. So again I am thinking that you are obsessed with her, that you love her as to what she does for you

but oviously you dont even know who she is and also there is zero part of caring for her or her motives. Everything we discuss here is about you. Your emotions, what you needed to "offer" her or what you needed to "give up" for her.
you admit it was shamefull and you regret every moment of blackmailing her - but only because it drove her further away and because it didnt work.

also all the things you do, the anger and hate and maliciousness are not part of this discussion. You do not care for her apart from what she does for you (or doesnt) (at least that is my impression - and probably hers too)
If you would really love her, you would totally agree that the girl you love should not be with a man who hits her, abuses her, cheats on his wife for her and almost rapes her.

You made some bad choices in your life and you are now at a point in your life where you are presented with a choice:
Either you carry on being angry with the world and seeking reasons in the world. (Outside atribution) Meaning you seek reasons in other people and or circumstances that are to blame for the things happening to you...
or
you can ask yourself how you can make the world a better place, how you can help people enjoying their life. You can learn to give joy and harmony and peace freely and not expect anything back. You can learn what your impact on the world is and you can ask yourself what you can change everytime something goes wrong (instead of blaming it to others or the circumstances)

Even if i could give you tipps on how to get the girl back (and i cant), i wouldnt, because i dont think you deserve her.
I respect you for your honesty and your ability to do everything it takes to reach a certain goal.
Try next time to use that for reaching other peoples goals as well as your own.


Look at it from that way: You have divorced a partner who didnt want to be with you anyways (and you not with her) so you are single now. You have a fresh start and can look at the world and what you have to offer it (and not what it has to offer you) from a totally new and clean perspective.
You have all the right resources to make other people whole and enjoy themselves.
You can be there for your children and even your ex wife can start leading a new life.
So basically your position is a good one. Regardless of how other people entitle it.

[delhi_heart]

obviously not

you have a distorted perception.
She obviously did not want to be with you.

That and the fact that you were indeed blackmailing her lead me to the strong impression that you indeed do not love her for her sake.
You love being with her, you love having her company and having sex with her.
But loving her in that way that you just want her to be happy no matter the price - i dont see that there. So again I am thinking that you are obsessed with her, that you love her as to what she does for you

but oviously you dont even know who she is and also there is zero part of caring for her or her motives. Everything we discuss here is about you. Your emotions, what you needed to "offer" her or what you needed to "give up" for her.
you admit it was shamefull and you regret every moment of blackmailing her - but only because it drove her further away and because it didnt work.

also all the things you do, the anger and hate and maliciousness are not part of this discussion. You do not care for her apart from what she does for you (or doesnt) (at least that is my impression - and probably hers too)
If you would really love her, you would totally agree that the girl you love should not be with a man who hits her, abuses her, cheats on his wife for her and almost rapes her.

You made some bad choices in your life and you are now at a point in your life where you are presented with a choice:
Either you carry on being angry with the world and seeking reasons in the world. (Outside atribution) Meaning you seek reasons in other people and or circumstances that are to blame for the things happening to you...
or
you can ask yourself how you can make the world a better place, how you can help people enjoying their life. You can learn to give joy and harmony and peace freely and not expect anything back. You can learn what your impact on the world is and you can ask yourself what you can change everytime something goes wrong (instead of blaming it to others or the circumstances)

Even if i could give you tipps on how to get the girl back (and i cant), i wouldnt, because i dont think you deserve her.
I respect you for your honesty and your ability to do everything it takes to reach a certain goal.
Try next time to use that for reaching other peoples goals as well as your own.


Look at it from that way: You have divorced a partner who didnt want to be with you anyways (and you not with her) so you are single now. You have a fresh start and can look at the world and what you have to offer it (and not what it has to offer you) from a totally new and clean perspective.
You have all the right resources to make other people whole and enjoy themselves.
You can be there for your children and even your ex wife can start leading a new life.
So basically your position is a good one. Regardless of how other people entitle it.

Thanks for your response. I did take it seriously and contemplated for about 6 hours. Now I can say for sure that I love her, not the idea of being in love with her. I don't care if she ever returns to me, what I care is that she leads a happy life.

I am troubled by what I did to her. I am worried about her; if she comes back to me, I'd be the happiest person on this planet, but even if she doesn't and leads a happy life, I'd be very happy.

My worries are about my guilt, which is not letting me lead a life of my own. I know I did a lot of wrong to her, and no matter how much I love her, some things are unpardonable.

Another thing, I never cheated on my ex-wife, we were separate in all but in the legal way, and she always knew that I was going out with her. I respected both of these women too much to do that.

About love, I think I couldn't convey my feelings adequately, and it sounded selfish; maybe it is, but I do love her. I really don't seek her to return to me, I want her to lead a happy life.

What I seek is a way out of my guilt, which is consuming me.

[Hooo!]

Well tell her what you have just posted here. For example in a letter

and then learn to forgive yourself. Forgiveness doesnt mean its not bad what you did
forgiveness doesnt mean you cant still be sorry for what you did
forgiveness is rather a determination that you have changed and can now act completely different from now on.

You cannot change the past. Sometimes we regret things we have done and we must live with those things and consequences.
However if you have truely changed you now have no guilt in that way anymore. You are still responsible but not in an emotional way anymore because you have changed and closed that chapter if that makes any sense to you.

[pcmaster]

I left my whole previous life for her. It wasn't obsession.

This line is full of BS.

No need to read further. All I can say is - man talk with therapist or counselor. If thats too expensive look for free trial online to talk with some professional of google free listeners.

[melancholia]

I'd never talk to my ex again if he broke into my home and then tried to rape me. Sorry, your SOL on this one. Closure is not a real thing. People think they are entitled to it, but you have to just decide to move on and then do it. Start focusing your energy on other things in your life, like your family and your children. Pay attention to your own life and stop obsessing over your ex. She doesn't want anything to do with you and she's moved on, so now it's your turn to do that.

[richiro]

in short.. you get closure by getting closure on your own.
and when you say things like "i left my whoel life for her" then yes.. you are obssessing.

all of it is very dramatic and "victim's mentality" that you've said. tha'ts drama, therefore obssessing, and continuing to link yourself so you don't have to let go because you don't want to.

want closure? then let go and want to let go. you either choose to or you choose not to (there is no "CAN'T).. so choose which one you want and stick to it...

[delhi_heart]

in short.. you get closure by getting closure on your own.
and when you say things like "i left my whoel life for her" then yes.. you are obssessing.

all of it is very dramatic and "victim's mentality" that you've said. tha'ts drama, therefore obssessing, and continuing to link yourself so you don't have to let go because you don't want to.

want closure? then let go and want to let go. you either choose to or you choose not to (there is no "CAN'T).. so choose which one you want and stick to it...

It makes lots of sense; I am stuck in this rut because I was not letting go. I will have to let go of this victim mentality, and I will have to let go of her. No two ways about it.

[Hooo!]

It makes lots of sense; I am stuck in this rut because I was not letting go. I will have to let go of this victim mentality, and I will have to let go of her. No two ways about it.

i "will have to"
why wait?
do it now.

[delhi_heart]

i "will have to"
why wait?
do it now.

Yes, I've already started working on it.

I've thought about it and realized that even if that night had not happened, she was never returning to me. I now feel that she came to me for last four months only because she was lonely and she needed somebody, there was really no love. I am responsible for this situation because I didn't give her any hope.

Time to move on.

[pcmaster]

And just when I was thinking I know indian guys and they cant surprise here come you and surprise me.
Delhi heart you are in late 30 and been obsessing like a guy in in early 20. You indian guys seem so obsessed with girls. Like being needy and not having and not having backbone when it comes to girls.
Not saying Im a alpha male but even I think thats too much.

[delhi_heart]

It's been a month now and I've made some progress. I am indulging myself into other activities which I like - cycling, bird-watching, trekking etc and have been successful yo an extent. Hope to carry it on further.

All of you rightly pointed out my mistakes and I accepted those; but wasn't even she wrong? After being with me for four year, asking me for divorce, saying she loved me in the morning and broke up by evening. And after that no action of mine was enough to bring her back. Could anybody have remained sane after going through that?

[shrah25]

It's been a month now and I've made some progress. I am indulging myself into other activities which I like - cycling, bird-watching, trekking etc and have been successful yo an extent. Hope to carry it on further.

All of you rightly pointed out my mistakes and I accepted those; but wasn't even she wrong? After being with me for four year, asking me for divorce, saying she loved me in the morning and broke up by evening. And after that no action of mine was enough to bring her back. Could anybody have remained sane after going through that?

Hi [MENTION=85274]delhi_heart[/MENTION]

Most of the truth has been spoken about by a lot of the individuals on this thread. I think you, deep down, know that some of your behaviour has been poor but that doesn't make you a bad person - it's simply the fear, insecurity and guilt inside of you being acted out.

The truth is that this experience is an opportunity to heal some of those wounds and become the best version of yourself because if you don't, you will only replay this same experience (or similar) to another relationship.
I've seen this happen time and time again and no matter how tempting it is to chase your partner etc etc, the truth is that it very rarely works because you are motivated by the fear of loss, rather than being motivated by love.

What you've been through is extremely difficult - particularly with the divorce etc but it's now time to really focus on serving you and growing yourself. You are making a good start with the cycling etc but you need to also deal with the inner demons head on as well. Only then will you truly process, integrate and accept these feelings and move on.

I hope that all makes sense.

Any questions, please let me know.

Cheers
Sri