Blindsided. In shock

[betrayed&broken]

Hi, I just wanted to have someone to talk to, and tell my story to, because I don't have anyone I can turn to in this matter. So I would appreciate a reply, from anyone.

My story you've probably heard a million times before, and heck, before this, i've heard it a gazillion times and never thought much of it- because I never thought this kind of thing can happen to me. And now that it just has, I'm having a hard time processing it's all real. What I can't believe the most is that, I've always thought of myself a good judge of character, but then this happens.

So my story is This, in short, I was in a 4 year relationship, 2 of which were happy, then we had long distance, and it worked out for about 1 year, and was unclear for the last 1 year. My first shock came when I finally asked if what he really wanted was to end this relationship, because I didn't feel like he did or even tried to show that he cared anymore, while me being the loyal person that I was, only had him in my heart and in my mind. He was my first bf when I was 26 yo. I was serious about it. what a shock it was when he just replied : "OK" He didn't try to explain himself, he didn't say he was sorry for leaving me hanging, and he didn't try to fight for me. I got no explanation, and come to think of it, never got anything out of him for the last 2 years. But I was broken up, and the past 1 month and 8 days to this date, I was trying to get over him and move on. In my mind, if it really was the distance thing that drew us apart, it was just sad but I can cope with that, and even thought of being friends with him again and I wouldn't have a problem with it. But then, my second shell shock came.

I was browsing my FB around 6pm yesterday,when I saw that he posted a photo with a girl. The comments from his friends indicated that they were happy he finally found someone, as if because I was never there, they thought he was alone and didn't have anyone. They also hinted at near wedding bells, at which he replied all of them:" amen, pray for the best for us both" which, of course at that point I was so shocked I couldn't look at my fb and proceeded to cry my heart out and I felt sad and empty because how is it that he's able to move on so quickly while I'm still having trouble. Then I spent some time feeling sorry for myself and in continual disbelief as well, when I thought, I needed answers, and I braved myself to again look at their photo and find out about the girl. SHe was pretty and they looked casually happy in his photo. And then my third shock cam right afterwards, when I looked at her FB page.

She posted more loving photos of them both, from a week ago. So you can image all those thoughts that came into my head, that photo from a week ago was already so loving, when exactly did he start getting cozy with her? Right after we broke up was just 1 month from the date of her first photo.Then I started reading the comments from her friends and his friends, and found out they had a history together, and from what i picked up, were actually old flames, and now they reconnected. And everyone is commenting on impending nuptuals, and they both replied eagerly, that it won't be long before a wedding.

This knowledge, knowing what i know know, completely changes things for me, I'm now currently in such a state of continual shock and disbelief, completely at a loss. I'm so tired. It is now 5am the next day, and I haven't stopped or slept. I just can't do anything, I don't know what I'm going to do today, I'm supposed to have a full day today, but how am I ever going to face the day today? I can't believe he would do this to me, I can't believe he wasted 4 years of my precious time and tossed me aside and now found his happily ever after. How is such a thing be allowed to happen in this world? I'm so hurt I don't even know where to begin to mend myself or what to do about it. How cold I not have seen this coming? How could I not know he was such a bad person? How could he do this to me??? He used me and left me and now he's the one being happy. I don't understand, I feel like I'm in a bad dream right now. It feels so unreal. I never thought this could happen to me. Now that it did, I'm at such a loss I don't know what to do.
I was doing fine before I found out what I did today. Now, I'm an absolute trainwreck.

Can somebody please reply and offer me some words of comfort? I'm distraught and have never in my entire life felt this way.

[kel1986]

Hello lovely. I'm really new to this site and have recently posted myself as I'm currently going through heartbreak. Not the same as yours, but my boyfriend of 1 year has ended our relationship (long distance) as he can't see a future with me as I have a child and he isn't ready for the responsibility. But in a similar way I know the pain and heartache of being confused and hurt and the feeling of worthlessness. We only ended 3 days ago and it was a schock to me. I love him insanely and would give anything for him to want me the way I want him. Deep down I had major trust issues and insecurities. He tells me he loves me but isn't responsible for a 'family life'. It kills me immensely and he he been so important to me.

From ur story lovely u sound like someone who fell for a guy and enjoyed a long and trusting time together and for him to deceive u like that is cruel beyond belief. I want to preach the usual cliches and promise u all will be ok, I'm sure it will, but I'm as raw as you do I just don't know. I don't have the answers. But I will tell u if u ever need someone to talk to, cry to, vent to I am here.
Take care
Kelly

[betrayed&broken]

Hi Kelly,

Thank you so much for replying, you don't know how much it helps, and means to me, just to have you responded.
I'm a newbie as well, as this just happened last night and yes it all feels so Raw. So much so that I haven't been able to stop my tears from pouring out. As a result my eyes are now as raw and puffy as they ever been. I'm also not in a position to give you any comfort right now, but I think there is strength in knowing you're not alone. I know I feel that way about your reply. So if you ever need the same things you offered me, I'm also here for you I am however going to take you up on your offer.

This morning I tried going to bed at 5.30 am, because I was so tired and spent, I just had to try and sleep. The 3 hours I did get a shut eye though, was plagued with intermittent nightmarish wakefulness where my mind couldn't stop imagining and bringing up photos of the happy couple and their supportive friends on facebook, being all happy and having a bright future ahead of them, and also being filled with such pure, unadulterated, hatred for my ex. It was a painful 3 hour shut eye, and I had no control over my mind and body. The whole time it felt like my heart was literally breaking, alternating with crying and cursing my ex in between the painful images of them playing over and over in head like a broken record. And no matter how much i tried getting out of it, i just can't imagine the cheerful positive state of mind I was in before I found that photo of them last night. I have to admit it was very scary. Nothing like this ever happened to me before. It felt so sickening. I never thought something like this can affect me both emotionally and physically, so much so that I could be in such a complete loss of control over myself and my mental state and could do nothing to stop it. I need to do something to cure this. It just feels like if I keep going on this path, something bad is inevitably going to happen. If you have any suggestions on steps to take, I will gladly take it.

I guess the main thing for me is, I don't really want him back; I now feel hate for him with such a passion that I feel I'm about to cross a dangerous line, that I need help to ease it and forget, for the sake of my sanity. The main issue I have with my ex is that I was totally, completely, and utterly blindsided and shocked that he could do me such cruelty, when I had done nothing to deserve it, but only to have faith in him. And that is the root of my problem.

Thanks for listening,
eagerly waiting for a reply,
Audy

Hello lovely. I'm really new to this site and have recently posted myself as I'm currently going through heartbreak. Not the same as yours, but my boyfriend of 1 year has ended our relationship (long distance) as he can't see a future with me as I have a child and he isn't ready for the responsibility. But in a similar way I know the pain and heartache of being confused and hurt and the feeling of worthlessness. We only ended 3 days ago and it was a schock to me. I love him insanely and would give anything for him to want me the way I want him. Deep down I had major trust issues and insecurities. He tells me he loves me but isn't responsible for a 'family life'. It kills me immensely and he he been so important to me.

From ur story lovely u sound like someone who fell for a guy and enjoyed a long and trusting time together and for him to deceive u like that is cruel beyond belief. I want to preach the usual cliches and promise u all will be ok, I'm sure it will, but I'm as raw as you do I just don't know. I don't have the answers. But I will tell u if u ever need someone to talk to, cry to, vent to I am here.
Take care
Kelly

[Hooo!]

I'm distraught and have never in my entire life felt this way.

i know. it feels absolutley like shit. Its like not you but your thoughts themselves are dizzy, like in a whirlwhind. At least that is the way it feels to me.
Well i have some bad news and some good news for you.
The bad news is that you are obviously not as good as a people judger you thought you are. You have not paid attention to the guy and had in mind an (2 year outdated) version of the guy that you did not update. The not updated version of the guy was the memory you loved while the real person changed to a whole different person.

The good news is that you can be very glad that you have got such an intoxicating bad person for you out of your life. It doesnt feel like this and probably wont for a while. But you will be better of without a person like that in your life.
Take a day of or two. You are no use like that to anyone.
Get some sleep and let your unconcious process everything. Let your mind calm down and settle a bit.

If you want: get some closure out of the guy. Tell him how shit you feel and why he could not just have ended it when he went with the other girl.
Realize that you totally have him by the nuts. You could tell everyone what an asshole he has been. Although that wont help you and probably just make you bitter even more.

I am sorry for your loss.

[edd]

i also lost what i thought was the love of my life 1 month ago (long distance holland/poland).
yesterday she removed all happy memories we had from facebook, that hurted me but i cant image the horror of seeing her with a new guy, it would break my heart even more.
i wish you strength the comming time, youre not alone

[kel1986]

Did u struggle to get over him after you guys broke up initially ? The 1 month and 8 days.?
I have just sent my boyfriend a final text, explaining how I feel, how I feel for him but how he has made me feel. He flies to Korea tonight on holiday for 3 weeks almost and I said if he doesn't reply before he flies I will know where I stand. Hates like hell to have to try and get over someone you love so much all because they don't love you enough .

How u feeling today? You need to give urself time and distance from that whole thing. Try not to focus on images or happy words of them two. Concentrate on anything else at all in ur life to let those thoughts disappear.

Easier said than done cos I'm in a similar situation. All I do is think about our last night together, how amazing it was, his smell, his touch, his voice etc. All the thoughts that will hold me back but right now I'm grieving and it's how I cope.

Thinking about you xxx

[betrayed&broken]

Hi Kelly,
Thanks for the kind words,

To answer your question, the reason behind the breakup matters a lot to me. So for the initial breakup I was shaken, but if the reason was inevitable, something like us living in different cities and currently don't see anyway to have either one move( for me it was because after 2 years things just weren't as intense that either one of us would have something that attaches us to each other so much that we are willing to sacrifice for the other) then I can accept that more easily than the last two shocks I've gotten, which suggested worse reasons behind it. I was already starting to move on and doing well before I found out about the things I did.

I'm surprisingly doing much better on this third day. I suspect it's because of a number of things, first I allowed myself 1 day of grieving, just like you. Second, I'm not religious but I am spiritual and whenever I have a problem, that's when I turn to God and praying to Him, because, well, I have no one else to turn to, and it's always very comforting to now He's always listening, and it certainly doesn't hurt to ask Him for help . Thirdly, I have been having such busy days full of activities and interaction with a variety of other people, that i just didn't have time to think and wallow about my situation.( don't know if this is just a temporary thing, before the inevitable comes, but it seems like it's holding up). Fourthly, having you guys reply here is such a big support as well, and I thank you all so much, because i think at some point, when you've told your story a few times, you'd feel like you've talked it up, and up to a certain point you just get tired of going back to those horrible memories making you feel like crap, and just stop feeling it- at least that's the way it is for me. So, you can try what I've tried these past 2 days I suppose? I hope they'll work for you as they have for me

Love,
Audy

Did u struggle to get over him after you guys broke up initially ? The 1 month and 8 days.?
How u feeling today?
Thinking about you xxx

- - - Updated - - -

Thank you for the good wish, it seemed to work, I feel much better on this third day.

I feel you edd, especially if she cut all ties like that. When I broke up, i also had the fear of what if he found another person before I did and that would just be unthinkable. But now that I have had those multiple shocks in one day, and how I'm feeling much better on this third day, I find that you may think you can't handle it, but are a lot stronger than you think. You just need time to let it run its course. Being on this forum helps too. I suggest doing what i found worked for me as well to try and get over her. which was, take time for yourself, and when you're ready, go out and spend time with people and busy yourself with so many activities you don't have time to think and be sad anymore.
Best of luck.

i also lost what i thought was the love of my life 1 month ago (long distance holland/poland).
yesterday she removed all happy memories we had from facebook, that hurted me but i cant image the horror of seeing her with a new guy, it would break my heart even more.
i wish you strength the comming time, youre not alone

- - - Updated - - -

Hello Hooo!,

Thank you so much for the reply, and the kind words. I was comforted to read your reply. I find your thoughts very helpful, and very true indeed, especially the part of me loving an outdated image of the guy. This was something i had never thought of, so thanks, it helps in me trying to reason with it all. i did take a day off, and it was definitely what i needed, to just let all the feelings run its course. Day 2 went much better, and today, the third day was even better.

About getting closure from him, i thought about doing it right after I was shocked out of my mind, but then, right now i'm deciding to just let it go. I'm on such a good progress streak, I don't really want to open up that wound again. Letting things be is probably the best course of action right now

But who knows, I might do that in the future if it happens that i should cross paths with him again. Hopefully by then I'd be happily off with a better guy that is deserving of me, just so I can spite him This couple of days I'm finding it helpful to just entertain thoughts of bad things happening to him, over and over again. haha.

Look at that, it's a heartbreak forum and I felt like a ghost of myself three days ago, but now i'm beginning to laugh at it. I would call that proof that progress is possible.

You've been a great help, thanks so much Hooo!

[Hooo!]

wow.
you are welcome