What are these mixed messages? Is there still a chance?

[dnl007]

My ex bf and I were really close friends for a while before we started dating. I was hesitant about starting a relationship at first bc we were about to go study abroad in different countries for 2 months, but he pushed for it saying that we'd make it work. And we did, but I think my initial reluctance & the fact that I don't show a lot of affection made him insecure because he often asked me where the relationship was going, what he meant to me, etc. Then after 8 months he wanted a break bc he felt like his feelings were one-sided, I only saw him as a friend, maybe we wanted different things in a relationship & some time apart would be good. I agreed but decided after 2 weeks that an indefinite break could get too messy, so we broke up. He pushed for us to remain friends like before (he hoped that we could hang out & he could come over to my place bc he still enjoyed my company). But then 1 week later he said to cut contact. So I deleted him from all my social media shortly after, also partly because we have A LOT of mutual friends so he kept popping up & I needed space.

1 month later, we bumped into each other at a mutual friend's party. I knew that he was watching me throughout the night but pretended not to see because I wasn't ready to face him yet. At the end of the night, he kept calling my name to get my attention even when I tried to ignore him to make sure I had a safe ride home. Which I honestly didn't expect since I thought he wanted nothing to do w/ me.

2 more months passed & now we see each other every week because we're part of an event planning committee. I broke the silence first after one meeting. We grabbed dinner, caught up, joked around, teased each other just like old times. He even video snapchat us (lots of our mutual friends knew about us & called the relationship way before we started dating & no one expected us to break up, so the snapchat was somewhat of a statement. Some friends even texted me when they saw the snapchat). Anyway, he was still emotionally open & unguarded with me the whole time. I told him that i was planning a trip to Asia & he said to reach out to him if I had questions because he did it before. Then we ran into some of my friends & hung out w/ them for a while & he made it obvious to them that we had a history. When he dropped me off, he told me it was nice talking to me again, asked if I were doing ok (I told him yes), and said that we should catch up again, I got nervous & just said "uh" so he backpedaled & said "oh maybe not". But I felt bad so I fb messaged him 2 weeks later to see if we could meet up & cause i had questions about the trip but he didn't reply. But then at the next meeting a week later, he came up to me & asked how the trip planning was & talked to me about it.

I'm confused. Like he wanted to cut contact but then showed he still cared then showed off to our friends that we were close/on good terms but ignored my msgs but talked to me in person. My friends tell me to let him initiate so I don't seem needy/clingy. But I feel like I upset/hurt him a lot in our relationship so I should reach out first to make peace. I think that we could give the relationship a second chance because I think the connection is still there. I'm just scared that he's not interested or doesn't care.

[melancholia]

Maybe you need to be more open and honest about how you feel. Do you have romantic feelings for him, or strictly platonic? It seems like every time he puts himself out there emotionally, you pull back and he senses that and pulls back because of it. It doesn't sound like he is lacking interest, it sounds like he has no idea how you feel because you consistently act aloof when he tries to show any vulnerability or emotions toward you. If you want to be friends, then tell him that and be his friend. If you are interested in being more than friends, then tell him that as well but be honest about your feelings and any apprehensions you may have.

[dnl007]

I tried to hang out as friends twice after the breakup and before we cut contacts but he turned me down. It could be that it was way too soon and he needed time, but I'm scared of the same thing happening again. That's why I'm hesitant to approach him

[melancholia]

So you just want to be friends?

[Hooo!]

do you love him?

[dnl007]

So you just want to be friends?

I suggested hanging out as friends because I thought that's what he wanted. But I wanted more; I just didn't want to come on too strong

do you love him?

Yes

Sorry if my feelings sound unclear. I myself was confused for a while too because we were such good friends so it was hard for me to discern between platonic & romantic feelings (I told him this the day we broke up). And in the 4 months since we broke up, I've had time to think & sort things out & realize that I do love him

[Hooo!]

Yes

Then why are you debating with us when you should be out there getting your man back?

[dnl007]

I just wasn't sure about his hot & cold behavior & needed help decoding it. If he's not interested & there's no chance, then I don't want to give myself false hopes. My friends saying that I'm being clingy also deterred and hurt my confidence a little. But thank you!