How do I let him go?

**kel1986** · 25-02-17, 06:41 PM

This is my first post here and I'm completely new to this but after reading some posts I thought I may be able to seek some advice or something to help me through this nightmare.......
I've been with my boyfriend for about a year now, but from day one it's been a long distance relationship purely because we live in different cities, about 5 hour drive from one another.
Over the past year our relationship has developed slowly, we would see each other once a month alternating who visits who for a few days, we have been on holiday abroad together, spent xmas and NY together and only recently told each other we had fallen in love with each other, and oh how I have fallen in love with him.
However he is starting to think now we don't have a future together because of the distance and we don't always see eye to eye with one another, by this it's because the time we spend apart his part in communicating and keeping us strong isn't how I like it to be. I have always asked him to put more effort in when we aren't together. When we are together he is wonderful, loving, attentive, caring, so to go from that to very little when we apart is hard for me.
Back to the point.....he is pulling away from me because he struggles to see how we would make a future work. I have an 8 year old daughter and someone moving is a big hurdle. He thinks logically and with his head and I use my heart. I always try and stay positive and optimistic and try to convince him (&#128542

that we can make this work. Even though he shows signs of not wanting to be with me anymore I just can't accept it. I love this man so much, he is all I have known for the past year and I've allowed him to consume most my life. How do I live a future without him in it. How do I accept i will never see his face again, touch him, kiss him, sleep next to him, go out for lunch, all those small silly things that meant the world to me. I really can't imagine my life without him in it and losing him now is killing me. Part of me knows I'm fighting a lost cause but I just can't let go of what I truly love. Kelly

**edd** · 25-02-17, 07:18 PM

heartbreak is horrible, i was with my gf for 2.5 years also long distance, but 1.5h in plane, was there 2x a month and spending hollydays together.
Im also trying to find a way to deal with never seeing her again.
i guess the only thing to do is take time to let the pain get smaller, and try do nice things, meet new people and foccus on other things then him
good luck youre not the only one

**MartinOhm** · 27-02-17, 01:00 PM

Not to insult you kel1986 but maybe he is right. Due to those distance and obstacles, it would be hard to make a serious relationship. Best is for move on and try to find other friendships. I know your pain.

**r1288** · 27-02-17, 03:33 PM

This probably isn't what you want to hear, but you need to cut ties with him. You're not doing yourself, or him for that matter, any favors by trying to convince him that you two could work with his reservations. If you want him to start rethinking things, you need to convince him with your actions, not your words. Take some time to yourself, and do not contact him. Make him wonder what is happening. If he really cares about you, he'll start to change his tune because now he will feel the reality of not having you in his life. He needs to be the one to contact you. Again, I would advise you to seriously take time for yourself. Really focus on you, not him. If you're truly happy with yourself by the time he calls, he WILL notice it and he WILL find it to be an attractive quality. From there, it's up to you and him to sort it out and figure out what each of you want. Hopefully you started to get a feel for life without him. In the case that it does not work out, you'll still be on the right path. Of course, that doesn't make losing him easy by any means, but you'll realize that you don't need him to be happy and that's a huge step.

R

**kel1986** · 27-02-17, 05:26 PM

I know your right in what u say but it's so much easier said than done. Feels like I am grieving for someone I dearly love and a possible future I have just lost.
I'm scared if I don't contact him he will forget me (I know what says a lot anyways) but right now the way I'm feeling, I just want him some way shape or form in my life.

He does to Korea for 3 weeks tomorrow. That's his perfect opportunity to get over me and us. And I'll just be here trying to get through each day.

I know it's over but deep down I'm praying he will want me back. Foolish I know. Never had my heart broken before. This is unbearable

**Hooo!** · 27-02-17, 06:37 PM

Originally Posted by kel1986

I really can't imagine my life without him in it

it rather seems that both of you cant imagine a life with him in it.
(or with the two of you actually being together)

here is what to do:
1) find out if he even still really loves you and wants to be with you
2) MAKE A PLAN. Create a scenario. do it together. LD usually fail if you have no future where you can actually be together. Its not a must, but i think its very important.

if it is not possible for either of you (or he isnt into you so much anymore anyways) then what exactly are you having this relationship for?

**kel1986** · 27-02-17, 07:38 PM

I'm in this relationship because I love the man. It's hard to let go and that's what I am struggling with. I'm not dumb I know in my head that he struggles to see a future with me as I have a child and big sacrifices would need to be made. I would do them as I love him enough but he won't. I know that says it all but I can't bare the thought of not being his anymore and having him in my life. We are amazing together and he's really got me .

Logically I know if he isn't in it like I am there is no future for us. I'm not ready to accept yet

**Hooo!** · 27-02-17, 07:47 PM

are you assuming or do you know what the problem is?
Maybe the problem is the girl
maybe the problem is you
maybe the problem is something else
maybe the problem is that you have no future scenario together

**kel1986** · 27-02-17, 08:04 PM

It's a mix of all them.
But we have done this LD for a year and when I visit him or he visits me we fall in love even more. Or I do at least.
He is a very closed off guy, always has been. Hard to read him and he gives very little away so when he does I really cherish it.
I guess I'm just finding it difficult accepting all we have made together and become can be over so quickly.

**Hooo!** · 27-02-17, 10:13 PM

Originally Posted by kel1986

It's a mix of all them

have you discussed this? what did he say about it? how is he feeling about it?

**kel1986** · 27-02-17, 10:36 PM

Yes we have talked about it. Like I said he's very hard to talk to about emotions or feelings but basically he told me he doesn't know if he is ready to have a future that changes his whole life I.e someone would need to move in future and he would have to take me and my daughter.

But he says he isn't sure what he wants at the moment and needs time to think. I guess part of me hopes he'll 'grow up' and realise that my package is an awesome one (not completely serious)
Just for me, i love him so much I would try anything to be with him. Hurts he can't do the same. It's been a year together and this issue only arose recently after I fell hard in love with him

**Hooo!** · 28-02-17, 12:13 AM

i know you have talked about it
but have you really discussed it? have you come to some kind of closure?
just talking about it now and then doesnt get you anywhere.

You have (from my point of view) very little options.

a) discuss it with him to the point where you actually have a plan about what BOTH of you want to make happen in the future (or what both of you dont want)
b) wait and let everything be as it already is.
c) leave him
d) give him more time to think (how much until when, basically comes down to b) )

**kel1986** · 28-02-17, 01:09 AM

There's no closure. He leaves me hanging on with 'I don't know what I want right now' he needs time. But surely time won't change his reservations about our future. As much as I wish he would see it differently or care enough for me to try.

I think deep down I do need to accept it's going no where but after al our time together I'm struggling massively with this.

**richiro** · 28-02-17, 03:31 AM

closure is what you give yourself - nobody else gives it to you.
how do you let go of somebody? you just do.
and t
take ownership of your life and get things done. Stop playing victim and expect everybody else to get things done for you. It's your way of clinging on without thinking you are.

TAKE OWNERSHIP FOR YOU --- thats the only way to do it and live and this applies in all areas of life. If you sit and wait for everybody else to do it for you - you go NOWHERE. Take ownership and just do it and things become easy and swift.

Your choice.

**kel1986** · 28-02-17, 04:25 AM

In all due respect it's got zero to do with sitting back and allowing any to 'take ownership' for me. I think ur missing the point.

when I feel ready I can take ownership and I certainly don't want or need anyone else to make my choices for me. I'm looking for help and advice how to allow my own heart to break and survive this. How to live without someone incredibly special to me. Coping mechanisms and a way forward, even just a glimmer.

Not to take an easy way out

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