Can I win her back? Advice please

[r1288]

Hi Everyone,

My relationship ended about 3 weeks ago. B and I were together for a year and a half. She was my biggest supporter and the most positive person I've ever had in my life. I'm usually a very reserved person when it comes to affection, but with her, it felt so natural. We clicked on a level that not many people do and, of course, we fell hard for each other. About 4 months in, her roommates got so sick of seeing me that it actually caused arguments between them. B decided to get her own place and proposed the idea that we live together, which I was not into at first. I didn't want to rush it. However, after a couple months, I convinced myself that living with her couldn't possibly be a bad thing. And it wasn't. We had our issues from time to time, but we always figured it out. We were having sex multiple times on days that ended in Y. I was cooking for her almost every night. I'd find random notes around the house that would keep me smiling all day. She would surprise me at work on her days off. The romance was definitely in full force.

Fast forward about 6 months of living together. I expected the romance to slow down a bit. I mean, it was excessive at times, we couldn't keep that up forever. But, I didn't expect it to come to a halt like it did. I don't know the exact cause or moment, but I became very, very depressed. B was already settled into a career where she was making great money and was extremely happy. And here I am, struggling trying to pay my bills, at a dead end job that I hate and my dream job seemed further away with each passing day. I realized recently that I was still dealing with issues stemming from the loss of my father (10 months prior to meeting B) as well. I started to be cold and complacent. B had brought this to my attention a few times, but I got defensive and we never had a proper conversation about it. I've always had a hard time expressing my feelings and opening up to people, which doesn't help. Another 3 months later, she admitted that she felt like we were just roommates that shared a bed now. We never went out together, we rarely texted and called each other. I hurt B a lot since that shift. She was trying to open up to me and I kept rejecting her without really realizing I was doing it. But I never stopped loving her. She was my best friend and the only girl I had eyes for. I was just going through a deep depression and I let it get the best of me. Unfortunately, it affected her for about 8 months. I never sought help, or even really tried to confide in her. She was sick of it, and she should have been.

"You wore me down and it hurt the whole ****ing way," B said, just before she started dividing up all the things that we bought together.

I couldn't even form a complete sentence. Actually, neither of us said much of anything. We just stared at the floor.

After B ended things, she stayed with a friend for the week while I moved out. I reached out to her twice during that time to try to have an honest conversation, but she was not interested. She wanted space. I was devastated, even more depressed than I was before. That was the worst 7 days of my life. I woke up on my mom's couch the following day and I decided I was not going to feel sorry for myself anymore. I put myself into counseling and, the next day, I had an interview for an entry-level job in my chosen career field and I got it. I immediately quit my dead end job and signed a lease for an apartment. For the first time in a long while, I felt happy and wore a genuine smile. I know that I was not actually ready to try to reach out to her a third time. Of course, it's a bad idea. But, I did it anyway. She said we can "maybe [talk] in a few months." I couldn't convince her to hear me out and then received a very plainly stated, "don't contact me again," text. I should not have given in to that moment of weakness.

So, here I am, it's been about 10 days since I've contacted her (though I did have a friend grab my spare car key from her on my behalf.) I know it's way too early to do anything besides work on myself and keep going with the no contact rule. But, I'm constantly asking myself, can this even be saved? I was horrible to her on an emotional level and probably don't deserve a second chance. But, I would do anything just to have a chance to show B that I am on the right track and making great strides towards being the man she fell in love with.

Does anyone have any advice for a situation such as this? Is it even salvageable?

Thanks,
R

[MartinOhm]

Bro, I understand you. Understand when you find love on a girl who you see as a friend and someone who understands how you are. I have been there, but I really do not see a way to win her back; it seems she has moved on. Since she gave you a maybe, probably you 2 can be friends but do not expect more. I would see some chance if she had not gave that maybe and would actually be open at the chance to start again but like I say; it seems she has moved on from you. I know it will be hard to find again someone so compatible with yourself but maybe you have to move on too. If she calls back again then go for it, even if it is just a friendly reunion which could evolve back in a serious relationship but slowly. Do not try to contact her again and do no be sad at the possibility she will ever call you. My best advice is to move on my friend despite it hurts.

[r1288]

Martin,

I appreciate your reply. I think her being willing to talk to me would be taken as more of a sign of her 'moving on' as opposed to her trying to cut all contact. If I moved on from someone, I would have no problem talking to them. It would be easy, because I've moved on. In most situations, you don't simply move on from someone you love in 3 weeks. Especially when your lives are intertwined so much as ours. B is very loyal, she knows that I care deeply about her, and her I. Over the course of the last month we were together, she was actually convinced by her best friend to end the relationship simply because she was not happy anymore. I harbor no ill will towards her friend, she is a very honest person and only has B's best interest at heart. And she is right, I was a completely different person than I was during the first half of our relationship. Simply put, I was no fun to be around anymore. Our mutual friends have told me that she openly says that she thinks I am a great person and that she still loves me, but also that she needs to take the time to find happiness on her own. It goes without saying, but that applies to me ten fold.

I guess what I was looking for is advice on how we would move forward from that if, of course, it is a possibility. I refuse to believe we'll never talk again simply because there is a lot of unfinished business. Aside from all the financial obligations we share, we never had an actual conversation about our relationship ending. It was very straightforward, she said that she was "hurt and just not happy anymore." I said, "I'll be out in a week." So, really, neither one of us has any sort of closure. A conversation will be had at some point. Whether it is next week, or in 3 months, I am asking advice on how to approach this conversation. It is one that will go one way or another. I would like very much that it ends in an understanding that eventually we can slowly work at coming back into each others lives. But there is always the other possibility. Maybe your notion is correct and she, in fact, has moved on by the time said conversation takes place. In which case, all I can do is be thankful for the good times we shared and wish her the best.

R

[MartinOhm]

Oh, then I apologize I was of no help for you bro. Off topic but I have been trying to contact some of you via PM. First it told me I needed 15 messages to PM, then that the character limit is 1000 or buy the rights for more characters and when I adapted the PMs, there was no indication they were successfully sent and do not see that at my sent box.

[Hooo!]

Everything is "saveable"
But from my point of view it would be best if you let her go. As she said: You wore her down and it hurt her so much.
Sometimes you hurt other people very very much. Not intentional - but unkowing and therefore all the more.
And sometimes you are not the one to repair that damage.

I would personally apologise and whish her all the best. I whish that this girl will trust and love again and find someone who doesnt - unkowing or not - hurt her like you did, but find someone who will love her and care for her and be good to her. I would thank you for the time you have had together.
Let her know how sorry you are and then let her go. Sometimes that is the only thing you can do to make people healthy again.
And then work on yourself. Learn from that experience. Get your job into shape. Get your life going. And after you have managed that you may contact her again. Maybe you will have someone else by then. Probably she will.

Im sorry for both of you and for the hurt both of you feel.
I hope you can learn from that and build a better version of yourself. Your future women will thank you for it.

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Oh, then I apologize I was of no help for you bro. Off topic but I have been trying to contact some of you via PM. First it told me I needed 15 messages to PM, then that the character limit is 1000 or buy the rights for more characters and when I adapted the PMs, there was no indication they were successfully sent and do not see that at my sent box.

why not post in thread?

[r1288]

Forgive me if I have trouble taking your advice. It seems you don't quite get it. Letting her go starts with her, not me. If she decides to move on, then I will absolutely wish her the best and all that. But, that is not the case. She feels it too, and as much as she was hurting, she knows I was too. It was never directed at her in such a way that it could be misconstrued to the point you're trying to make. I mean, you made it sound like I was malicious when, in fact, I was just kind of in my own world and wasn't putting forth the effort a relationship requires. Perhaps I made it out to be that I was a monster of some sort, but that couldn't be further from the truth. In hindsight I might actually be a little hard on myself in the assessment of our relationship. I was simply emotionally absent and she took it very hard and felt like she couldn't help me. That's what hurt her so much.

[Hooo!]

My relationship ended about 3 weeks ago.
I couldn't convince her to hear me out and
received a very plainly stated, "don't contact me again," text.

If she decides to move on, then I will absolutely wish her the best and all that. But, that is not the case.

read the above. It doesnt make sense to me.

to me it sounds as if you did hurt her a lot.
it also sounds that she indeed "decided to move on"
How else can you label it if she divides your things, you move out and she tells you to absolutely stop contacting her?

I didnt want to make it sound like you were malicious. If you were, then things would be easy. The problem is that you are in no way malious. And you still hurt her a lot to the point where she does not want you to contact her at all.
Hurting someone you love - unmaliciously and unintentionally is quite worse then just doing it intentionally.

I am sorry for your loss. And i am amazed by your will and optimism. Do it. Talk with her. Do whatever it takes to win her back. Talk with her friend about it? Write her a letter? Maybe even show her (friend) this thread. Give it everything, if you think it is worth it. But also be ready to let her go. She is hurt enough. There is no need for you to go sucking on her happiness like a Tik on a dog.

I dont know how you are going to do it tho -because she told you to not contact her anymore.
If you have any plans on how to do it - share them and we can work on them. But dont harass her - whatever you do.
Good luck.

[pcmaster]

Man as much as I understood from your writing style, your heart is still full of love and bleeding.
You cant get her back right now cause shes still sick of you since depressive people are hard to talk with. It was hard on her.
Anyway few months will pass and she will forget and calm down. Then if you come back changed - happy, easy going and positive then theres a big chance she will want to try again. Anyway you have to relax and get your mind out from her. If you will try to get her back like your life or happiness depends on her then you wont sucseed cause girls dont like that kind of pressure - to be responsible about guys happiness.
Now she needs time. Dont contact her for few months. She needs rest from you and you need to get over depression. Be happy on your own before entering relationship.
I know you feel positive about getting her back since you got a better job. But I dont think shes interested in that since she was with poor you in the past and she have her own money. Money impress only lazy girls who dont want to work.
Its hard to find good girls these days. But its evwn harder to get back girl who was once good to you.

Try advice from these guys https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=EGg6LncnJpA

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=6Ndw8AJXz9w

[richiro]

this was told to me once and i've found it to be accurate.
when guys are "done"- they typically aren't completely done and flake a bit and regret or 2nd guess and tend to come back. in other words, guys tend to jump too fast.
girls, they tend to jump too slow. they typically stay in something far too long and by the time they decide it's over - it's actually been over for a very long time.

given this.. if a girl calls it off - its probably not going to rekindle again. sorry to say. (there were hints of this when she called it off.. telling you how "long it affected her" - so she's been thinking of this undobutedly for years).

[r1288]

I appreciate that you understand where I am coming from, pcmaster. At this point, I have backed off completely and we have not spoken in 2 weeks nor have we seen each other in almost a month. I have no idea where she is living now, what she has been up to, or who she has been hanging out with. Our mutual friends all know not to bring up our situation. Neither of us even use social media. We are as far removed from each other as we can be right now.

I know that she does not control my happiness and she doesn't want or need that burden. That's all me, I am the only one that can make myself happy. And I was, for the first year of our relationship. Something clicked and I realized that I was just not happy with where I was in life. Not neccesarily because of anything in our relationship, even though it's undoing was a product of my unhappiness. I know a new job wouldn't win her back, that's a given. I needed to do it for myself because now I am doing something that I truly love. I was managing a restaurant (for 13 years) before and it was not what I wanted to do, but it paid the bills. I dreaded going in and usually left as soon as I was able to. Now, I get to work an hour early and usually stay an hour late because I just love being there. This is a huge step for me and my happiness.

I appreciate the advice and I am doing everything I can to make sure she has her space and I have mine.

[MartinOhm]

I fail to see how r1288 is the total bad guy in this? pcmaster seems to have given you better advice.

[r1288]

If you were to ask B, she would tell you that I am a great person. Honest, hard-working, intelligent, confident, charismatic, I'm sure she'd come up with others. She would also tell you that I was a bad partner for much of the end of our relationship. But she would never say that I am a bad guy.

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read the above. It doesnt make sense to me.

Well, if you take those quotes out of context, sure it doesn't make much sense. The fact is, I pushed my luck by not immediately giving her space. Her reaction to that was to tell me not to contact her.

to me it sounds as if you did hurt her a lot.
it also sounds that she indeed "decided to move on"
How else can you label it if she divides your things, you move out and she tells you to absolutely stop contacting her?

She has not moved on. She isn't able to talk about it yet because she is still contemplating things, even though she already ended it. And she will continue to do this for months, as women do.

But also be ready to let her go. She is hurt enough. There is no need for you to go sucking on her happiness like a Tik on a dog.

I would also appreciate it if you did not compare me to a parasite.

R

[Hooo!]

well obviously you know what you want

then why havent you allready talked to her about it?

I mean everything that i have posted is not "as it really is". Because I take "everything out of context"
so you sure know what is best.

i wonder why you didnt allready do it?

[whlam66]

Well as a girl, I think there's still a chance. But you really need to show her that you've changed and you love her very much. She hurts because she cares, she loves you. If she doesn't, that's the horrible thing. So, I think that there is a chance to win her back. Maybe it's better to give her some space but not too much. After a while, she may try to move on so you have to give her space to think through things yet let her know that you still want her and that you still are here for her. A talk would be better to know what she thinks so try to have a serious talk with her. After it, you probably know what you should do.

[lovebroken]

[MENTION=85205]MartinOhm[/MENTION] on your post .4 in here.

Go to Settings
Go to My Account
Go to General Settings
Go to Private messaging
Click Save a Copy of Sent Messages In my Sent Folder ( on the Private Messaging section)

That now saves all your sent messages.

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Oh, forgot Hit Save Changes - then it will save your sent messages.

Good for others here who didn't know this fix either.