Double hurt

[LanaNair]

Hello,

I am a woman who has been separated (not legally) from my husband for 10 months. Immediately after I got separated an acquaintance of my husband professed his love to me. We got together and everything was perfect. I told him I cannot publicly acknowledge him until after December (2016), which is when the separation was finalized. He said he is willing to wait and was very loving. To make sure he felt appreciated, I did anything else I could do to make him happy too. During the course of the 10 months, he started getting increasingly insecure, impatient, jealous, and needy. All of which I attributed to the fact that I am not still acknowledging him. By January (2017), he wanted me to introduce him to friends etc., which I did although I was not yet ready. And then he still continued to get more and more aggressive. In between I broke up several times and he asked me to give him another try everytime and I gave it. Then it got even worse. He once threw me out of his apartment at 4 am, totally drunk because I annoyed him by not cuddling and sulking. The next day he apologized and thinking it is my fault to make him wait and do temper tantrums, I took him back. And then, he became more and more jealous and began accusing me of cheating on him. I began giving up meeting friends, doing things I like etc. just to make him feel secure. All this time, i was preparing myself to break up with him eventually. However, he beat me to it. He blamed it on my alleged "craziness", "lack of empathy", and "being a pain in the ass" (I was a bit emotional due to my divorce situation, but nothing that was extremely annoying - stuff like not smiling all the time, looking tensed etc.). He asked for a break. I convinced him to stay and the next day, I broke up because i was feeling tense (he said he loved me so much, but in the last week his feelings changed a bit, and that i should work on it and bring the feelings back). I should have been relieved. However, I felt the opposite and went back and begged him to stay. He refused and said we could see what happens in future (a couple of months later), but not now. He said meanwhile i should give him time to heal. And sort out my divorce.

I have no idea what to do now. Because of his constant demands, I had told my ex-husband I am seeing him. This made my ex-husband (who is normally very helpful and understanding) angry. Then, right when I was in the middle of a huge situation, my boyfriend broke up and left me to deal with everything myself. After telling me roughly 7 days ago that he will always be there for me and he loves me.

My questions are:

a) Will he come back?
b) If he does, should i take him back?
c) Is he emotionally abusive or is it just the waiting that made him angry?
d) What do you think prompted this move from 'I am always there for you' to 'Let us take a break'? Another girl?

Thanks,
Lana

[melancholia]

He's abusive. All your examples show manipulative and abusive behavior. When someone is pushing you to do something you aren't ready for -- regardless of what it is, it means they can't respect other people's boundaries and that is a huge red flag. You don't sound ready to be in another serious relationship so soon after your separation from your husband. I think you need to take some time apart from this relationship to clear your head. If he can't respect that, kick him out of your life for good. People who display this kind of behavior do not change. Trust me on that, they just don't. They may be able to alter their behavior for short periods of time, but ultimately, they will never change the way they are and will always revert back to their manipulative and abusive tactics to keep people around. It's happened time and time again, and happens to many different people from various backgrounds.

Take time to collect your thoughts and figure out what you want and need from your life and the relationships you have, give yourself the chance to sort all that out without being clouded by someone else's wants and needs and expectations.

[Hooo!]

My questions are:

a) Will he come back?
b) If he does, should i take him back?
c) Is he emotionally abusive or is it just the waiting that made him angry?
d) What do you think prompted this move from 'I am always there for you' to 'Let us take a break'? Another girl?

Apart from d) do you reall not know the answer to the questions?
Please do yourself a facour and just READ what you told us. Read it.
Read also the many positive characteristics he has shown to you over the last 4 months. (i have counted zero)


What keeps you to go back to him anyhow? The sex? Not wanting to be alone? A memory?

[LanaNair]

Thank you for the reply. It is just too difficult to convince myself that this person who was planning a family with me 10 days ago feels I am not worth his time anymore. Your reply helps.

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Thank you. You make absolute sense.

Why I want him back? All the reasons you say. But I will control myself from contacting him and move forward.

Thanks again.

[edd]

hi fellow dutch,
dont take him back, if he allready starts a relation like this its probably not getting better.
rather worse.
good luck in youre emotional rollercoaster (i have been there and i know its hard )

[melancholia]

I agree, it's not going to get better from here. It will only get worse. Good for you for exerting some control and feeling resolute about not contacting him. Take care of yourself right now. Pamper yourself and soothe your soul while you heal through this so you can start feeling better.

[LanaNair]

Thanks, Melancholia. I will.

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Thanks, Edd. It makes sense.