ive frickin had it!! help PLEASE

[chilenoxelmundo]

I have been dating an incredible girl, 26 years old...I consider myself a mature 22 year old that can look at all points of views and be flexible....except on this one...

Me and this girl dated for about 4 months now, we met in europe, while studying together, and we went through some tough times in our first 2 months (an abortion) and financial issues (2 college students!)
To make a long story short, the abortion was somethign that we both agreed on, based on the "mistake" itself being something that we thought it couldnt physically have happened (we always used protection). This brought us closer, and we actually have an amazing relationship.

Thats not the problem though...

it all stems from a friend that she has....a 30 year old guy that she worked with (a famous latin pop star in miami) promoting his band a long time ago....they have been best friends for years....but of course, my current girlfriend liked this guy, and he had declined her when she told him that she liked him.....she told me before we got together how much this hurt her...
Anyways, they remained close close close friends, but certain things about him AND her made me suspect something in the early stages of the relationship....

When she had the abortion done, she told a few friends in the states, and asked for help (financial, and to let her stay since she was going to get it done in the states and not in europe) . She talked mostly to her female friends about it.....told them how "great" of a guy i am because i am still with her and we are going through it together, bla bla.....
As the relationship developed, and the abortion thing was over, our relationship became incredibly good...she would tell her friends in the states about me, send pictures to her family, i would talk to her family, etc....

Except for one person...

yep, the "guy".... when we were going through the abortion thing, i encouraged her to talk to him, and ask him for help, advice, something!! we needed all the support at the time!!! but i remember she quickly refused saying she would NEVER tell him, he would NEVER forgive her...he couldnt know!!!
Only her best 2 female friends knew... (which eventually helped us when she went back to the states)

She is back in the states (and so am i, but in a different state) for the summer, while we work to pay back the debt that stemmed from the abortion and the people that helped us....
But im having problems with this guy, because they see each other everyday....all day....day and night....watch movies together, go out together, etc etc etc....

Before we both came back to the united states (to different states i must repeat) the best friend told her that a good friend of his was going to be on honeymoon in europe...(in the city where we lived) and of course, she told him that they should meet up....after all my gf also knew this person and the new wife....

Keep in mind this is a week before we came back to the states...meaning our relationship had already been going very well, we had traveled and done a lot of things together,and everybody told us (and so i feel it) that this was a long term relationship. (as she has also told me).
But right before we came back, and when his friend came to visit in europe, something else shocked me...
We went out with this couple, had a great dinner, and the guy quickly tells her when we sit down "oh, so you have a boyfriend now eh mary? oh, im gonna have to tell 'bobby' (his friend).!! She kinda agreed and said, heh, yea...

When they asked us about how we met...she didnt want to reveal too much to the couple....maybe she was afraid that he would go back to the states with the gossip and tell my gf's best friend that she was with someone!!! oh no i thought....my gf is definitely not like that....

Reading an online conversation she had with the best friend 2 days after this dinner and 2 days after the couple had gone back to the states (ok, i was spying, but i had a good reason and i dont need to be doing it, i know) I was reading the conversation they had late at night on AOL IM and it was all innocent and nothing bad was said....until she said in a strange tone:

"Before they go to you with the gossip.....im going out with someone...
"yea, the chilean guy"

and all of a sudden the conversation changed to soemthing different....i didnt read a "great" or "yea, things are good" or ANYTHING...

Why? why didnt she tell the best friend? she tells this guy EVERYTHING....why keep it a secret? why hide it? why tell EEEEVERYBODY except him?

Some things before answering why....no, she never had a "serious" amorous relationship with him (because he turned her down) and even before she met me, she was going out with someone else for 2 months, and she presented him to the best friend....(to make him jealous? naw,i dont think so...)
but regardless...there is a history that she has presented his boyfriend to him....

anyways...
She is back in the states after this incident and ok, knowing she hasnt gotten a job there yet, i expect her to go out with the best friend....but....every fricking day? everytime i call her (every 2 days, sometimes she calls me everyday when he is present) she is with him....i ask her what she did today, and its ALWAYS been something with him....every day y'all!! i swear, its ridiculous....its sickening!

YES i am jealous and i admit it.....she just spent a weekend with him at his parents house on the beach (ok, my gf's 20 year old sister came along too) ....i dont mind if my gf has male friends, as long as they arent after her!! its normal! heck, most of my friends are female!!!
But none of them have i been "after" at some point, and then turned them down....

Maybe its my insecurity about her.....but actually i never cared before about her friends, but this guy worries me a bit....ok a lot.....because obviously we are far away (different state) and we cant see each other.

I just wonder a few things...and i hope someone can help me!!!

-Why didnt she tell him when she was going to have the abortion? he could have helped us....even if it was psychological support...after all, its the best friend!!

-Why cant she say " I love you" when we are talking to on the phone when he is present? (most of the time anyways, except when she calls me from her house)

-Why does she have to do EVERY single activity with him? Will she do that when im there with her? (my guess, 100% no she wont)

-Why did she say to him "before they go to you with the gossip, im dating someone"? shouldnt it be normal and cool and not something that she "dreads"?

Am i just being too paranoid??

I just got off the phone with her, and guess what? she was on her way to the gym in his car because he gave her a one week membership free at a gym.....there i can hear him in the background while we are talking....

help! i need some opinions, especially from females

a pissed off chilean...

[shh!]

Is it safe to say that this thread could be summed up with "my girlfriend is spending too much time/energy with another guy, and I don't like it"? The post is so long, I am afraid no one will read it through...

[artyemi]

chill.. remember she's got the hots for this guy. probably still got the hots for him. i don't know about other girls, but for me, if i like a guy, i'd love to spend every minute of my time with him.

doesn't help with your jealousy or insecurity, i know. but things will go the way it's going to go. either you trust her and ask her about all these things, or you don't put up with it.

[artyemi]

Is it safe to say that this thread could be summed up with "my girlfriend is spending too much time/energy with another guy, and I don't like it"? The post is so long, I am afraid no one will read it through...

yep! right on the nail, except it's also long distance g/f who's hanging out with the guy that she's had the hots for.

[indigosoul]

You're right to be paranoid. But I think that both you and this other guy are screwed either way for now. She's not being honest w/either of you. Which means she's got personal identity issues to work out. Don't worry about the "friend"; if they were such great friends she could tell him anything. At the moment, she's trying to fit into some mold of his. This never works longterm. Sit back and watch man; that's about all you can do at this point. Its not about you, believe it. Good luck.

[Asip4u]

chill.. remember she's got the hots for this guy. probably still got the hots for him. i don't know about other girls, but for me, if i like a guy, i'd love to spend every minute of my time with him.

doesn't help with your jealousy or insecurity, i know. but things will go the way it's going to go. either you trust her and ask her about all these things, or you don't put up with it.

---I agree with this post---

Just to add, every guy will have certain amount of jealousy, unless he doesn't care about the relationship at all, but it's important to draw a line somewhere and get to the bottom of the issue when it gets out of hand.

[shh!]

yep! right on the nail, except it's also long distance g/f who's hanging out with the guy that she's had the hots for.

Ooohh! Bad news, my friend... But I bet you really already knew that. I agree with Indigo's post.

[chilenoxelmundo]

yep! right on the nail, except it's also long distance g/f who's hanging out with the guy that she's had the hots for.

So does "had the hots for" mean she still does? how is everybody so certain? after all, she has been friends with him for YEARS...and above all im going to visit her in 2 weeks and she is coming in a month....and furthermore, she is going back to europe with me in august....he lives in the U.S...

I believe she has not, and will not do anything with him....he would have done something by now dont you think? and i can trust my girlfriend 100%, since i am not dealing with an immature girl.....i am certain of that....my problem is not if something HAS happened, or WILL happen, but....is to find out that hidden feeling that she still might have for him....is he a void that she is filling with this guy while im not there? would she leave everything for him? these questions that cannot be answered unless you are in a woman's mind is what im trying to find out......thats why i wanted the opinion of some females....

We have never had any problems in our relationship and im afraid this is going to screw everything up.....i dont want to overreact...i dont want to sound like a selfish idiot and ask her to stop hanging out with him so much....
but how the ffff... do i ignore that he is ALWAYS there, EVERYDAY...??

What do the females think?
Sorry for the length of the post, but its difficult to give advice if you dont have background information....

thanks

[whaywardj]

I've noticed over the years that when things in a relationship are all on the up-and-up, problems like these just don't arise. I've also noticed that the more time I've spent second-guessing what my mate is or isn't doing, the less likely it is the relationship lasts.