My girlfriend was raped by her ex what do i do?

[New Porblem]

You are making this up. Who called who?


Now why the hell are you making up a story like this?

i was out to dinner, she called me and sounded upset, i told her i would call her back in like five minutes when i was done, which i did. why would i ever make something like that up? i needed help and for some reason maintained the false belief that there would be people out there kindly enough to genuinely want to help. i didn't know it was such a bad thing to put it on two different forums, i didn't think the same people frequented both places. i just wanted help so i guess i'm sorry???

[whaywardj]

New: Yeah, duplicate threads are confusing. As to your dilemma I have to repeat what I think I said in the other one(s): This girl sure seems to get raped a lot; funny how it's always around parties and/or acquaintances or ex-boyfriends; strange how she repeatedly exposes herself to situations that lead to the rapes. Walk away from the whole can worms and hook up with a girl you don't have to second-guess so much.

[Illusional]

*steps in the nice guy*

yes, that's right everyone heard me correctly, nice guy.

raverboy

[Illusional]

well i got too caught in the moment that i forgot to write anything down.. alright so this is my thoughts.

first off, yes, i think that your gf is stupid in the sense that she is cruzing with her ex and more so drinking, i personally would be mad at that fact.

however, i would also be mad at her ex for taking advantage of her. he knows that she is probably easy when she is drunk, which is why he invited her. when a guy and a girl drinks alone, things are bound to happen.

for now, i wouldn't be so worried as to why your gf was drinking with this guy, IF you are willing to go through a lot of bullsh*t. if you feel that your gf does care for you, how far do you want to take this? as for revenge, the best way would to file a police report. i know that there is a chance that you might actually lose this case because your gf was drunk, but it depends on his story as well. how does she feel about this senario?? more info please...

raverboy

[updraft]

ok, New Porblem, since others on here don't take your question seriously, I will help you.

Here is advice from a woman's point of view (a woman who has been in this situation):

First off, tell her to go to her doctor and get a blood test to rule out pregnancy and diseases.

Secondly, believe her when she says she was forced (raped). Disbelief of her situation will forever scar her mental well-being. This is exactly the reason why many women who are raped don't report to the police, for fear of people not believing them or even ridiculing and belittling them. She is looking to you for support and validation.

Yes, it's true she went to her ex-bf's house and yes it was wrong. Yes it's true she drank with him. It's possible the guy guilted her into staying and drinking with her. Maybe he is an extremely manipulative type of person. Maybe she is extremely naive. It's possible. No woman will ever want to be forced to have sex against her will. If she tells you she was violated you should 100% believe her, unless you have a good reason to believe otherwise.

What she needs is your help right now. I know you said it's a new relationship, but you also indicated you had known her years before, therefore you would know her personality and is she the type of person who is very naive? If she is young (teens) then she has not had enough life's experiences to fully comprehend what led up to rape. I hope all goes well, and keep us updated. I'll try and help you further if you need it.

L.

[New Porblem]

thank you to both of you very much for helping me i appreciate it very much. two new things have come up (we are both 18, by the way): we were all together yesterday and she talked to him. she had promised me she would never talk to him again. and then he called her when she was with me very, very late last night and she asked him if she could call him back later. i made a very sad face and all and then she told me that she was three days later for her period, and we had unprotected sex five days ago. we just graduated high school and are both going to good colleges so you can see how this could be a problem.

please believe me, i am not making any of this up, i deeply appreciate any help or guidance. also know that she is only my third girlfriend ever and it was the first time i had sex, its not like we were sleeping around or something. how should i treat the old situation in light of the new one? i kind of feel like the whole thing with the ex-bf is pointless to even think about now that i know that she could potentially be pregnant.

[shh!]

Ugh! I hope she is not pregnant, but if she is and plans to keep the child, demand a paternity test. This girl sounds like a drama magnet. Are you sure this is really what you want for yourself? Not everyone attracts these kinds of problems, you know.

By the way, I don't think anyone necessarily thinks YOU are making this story up. I think the thought has occurred to several of us that SHE could be making this up.

[artyemi]

i came in here late.

dammit guys. every time someone gets raped, it's their fault because they put themselves in that position?

it is not about what she did or didn't do. it' about what he did, dammit. and according to her, he raped her.

people under the influence aren't able to give consent. file the police report.

get her to get checked for the pregnancy, the sti's, and other things. by now it is probably too late to do the rape kit.

[shh!]

Arty - what kind of a rape victim asks her rapist if she can call him back later when her boyfriend is not around?

[artyemi]

That is a different issue after the initial posting.

First, when she did it, I don't doubt her. She doesn't have to tell her boyfriend that she had sex with her ex. And according to him, she sounded really upset then.

This other stuff, she's just a really confused girl. Is that guy her first one?

[shh!]

OK, I just re-read this thread because Arty is cool and I don't usually disagree with her, but I'm sticking with what I wrote.

By the way, New Porblem (is that an intentional typo?) - if you had unprotected sex 5 days ago, she would not yet be able to tell whether or not she was pregnant. You are typically fertile about two weeks before your period is due. That is why I said to get a paternity test.

[Tone]

You need to be straight up with her and tell her to STOP TALKING TO HER EX. It's ridiculous that she still talks to him and even more ridiculous she asks to call him later when you're around. First fix the problem with your girlfriend wanting to keep her ex boyfriend around her when he took advantage of her and forced her to have sex with him. I mean even despite all that what business does she have still talking to her ex boyfriend when you're in her life?

[Asip4u]

I agree with Tone, until she starts using her head, she'll constantly be getting into situations like this. Some guys are like that, you can't control what they do, but you can be smarter in the decisions you make.

[artyemi]

OK, I just re-read this thread because Arty is cool and I don't usually disagree with her, but I'm sticking with what I wrote.

oh gosh shh! i'm a-blushing like a baby's bottom.

Initially when I read the thread, I'm not thinking she's to blame for it. Sounded like she is truly upset and that it was rape. In that case, I agree with Updraft posting on what noproblem should be doing for his girlfriend.

Completely understood his reaction about wanting revenge and stuff. When you have to wake up at 7 in the morning and meet people in the emergency room to deal with this, you kind of get the idea, you know?

But that little twist in the end about her still talking on the phone with him.. That confused me a little bit. BUT I still don't doubt the raping portion of it.

What I question is her age, how long ago she was with the guy, whether their relationship ended long ago, how she still feels about him....Mostly, how she still feels about him... Because I think she's confused.

[shh!]

oh gosh shh! i'm a-blushing like a baby's bottom.

Initially when I read the thread, I'm not thinking she's to blame for it. Sounded like she is truly upset and that it was rape. In that case, I agree with Updraft posting on what noproblem should be doing for his girlfriend.

Completely understood his reaction about wanting revenge and stuff. When you have to wake up at 7 in the morning and meet people in the emergency room to deal with this, you kind of get the idea, you know?

But that little twist in the end about her still talking on the phone with him.. That confused me a little bit. BUT I still don't doubt the raping portion of it.

What I question is her age, how long ago she was with the guy, whether their relationship ended long ago, how she still feels about him....Mostly, how she still feels about him... Because I think she's confused.

I understand what you are saying, and as the mother of a girl, I am VERY sensitive to forcible rape. However, the twist at the end really burns me up. I really hate to see semi-consensual sex be compared to actual forcible rape, because it diminishes the experience of those who are brutally attacked. I doubt that a true rape victim would have any interest in calling back her attacker, particularly when seeking privacy from her boyfriend. It just doesn't add up.

Like you said, though, she is likely very young and obviously confused.