4 Year Relationship Breakup

[rachelg]

I dont even know where to start. My ex and I are both 21. We fell in love when we were 17. He was my first boyfriend and first love, and I was his second relationship (he dated a girl for two years in high school). Since the beggining of our relationship it has been a cycle of breaking up and getting back together. In the first two years, it was because of his weed addiction, which i was not ok with. He would quit, then relapse, break up with me, hate his life, then come crawling back after about two weeks, and I would always let him because I loved him. In the most recent two years, weed is no longer in the picture,however he has been craving a life that he thinks he needs to be happy. He wants to be single and travel with his friends and even though he hasn’t said it, I believe he wants to sleep with other girls because he has only ever slept with me and his ex. He feels like he is too young to be in a serious relationship and that I am holding him back from what he wants to do.

He has said this everytime he has broken up with me, which seems to be every four months. He lives wildly for about two weeks (clubbing every weekend etc.) then comes crawling back to me when he realizes it doesn’t actually make him that happy. He has recently started at a new job at Flight Centre, where the culture there is very party orientated. Since he has started he seems to be very influenced by his colleagues, who encourage him to party hard and “live life to the max”. Since he has started, I knew it was only a matter of time before he left me again. Sure enough, two and a half weeks ago he broke up with me, saying that his heart wasn’t in it anymore and that I was holding him back. I took it very well and told him i understood and just wanted him to be happy. When he left i broke down in tears and I have been absolutely shattered since.

I kept telling myself its just like every other time, and he will come back, but its been nearly three weeks and I havent heard a word from him. I havent tried to contact him because I know he needs space. I miss him so so much. I found out from a friend of a friend that he joined tinder the day after we broke up and has been talking to many girls on there. I found out last night that he went on a date with a girl, and took her to my favourite spot by the river. I am so devastated. I dont understand what is going through his head or how he could forget about me so quickly. I dont understand why he isn’t upset, or why he doesn’t miss me. Do you think he will still come back this time? I really want to fix things 🙁

I think what I am confused about the most is that he says he wants to be free and single yet took a girl on a date to our favourite spot only two weeks after we broke up He doesnt go on dates unless he wants a relationship with someone

[TheEvilJester]

Believe me, I know this can be hard because you once thought you saw potential in him to be THE ONE, so to speak. Firstly, though, don't let that phrase fool you. Contrary to popular belief, not only one person can be your "THE ONE." So, don't think that just because you thought he could be that it means nobody else could.

Quite frankly, "THE ONE" wouldn't be somebody who constantly tosses you aside so casually only to come crawling back to you later. Now, if he doesn't want to be tied down to one woman... that actually IS perfectly fine. Fine as long as he is honest with you and lets you decide if you can be okay with that, or if you need something more. Fine as long as he lets you go if what you two want does not match up. The fact that he dumps you, then comes back to you, then just dumps you again.... that is not okay at all.

I know this can be hard.... but what you really need to be asking yourself right now is NOT "Will he come back to me again?" You should be asking "Why should I even let him?" Frankly, even if he did come back to you again, what makes you think he won't just leave you yet again? So, even though I know this isn't really what you were hoping to hear, you would be better off just to move on. Believe me, I know that will be hard at first, but it sounds like it is really in your best interests this time. This situation with him is unlikely to ever improve.

You deserve to be happy, and he obviously is not going to be part of that happiness. He only sabotages it, whether that is his intention or not. You deserve somebody who will truly love you and who will love you so deeply they wouldn't dare ever risk losing you. Don't settle for somebody who falls short of what you deserve just because you want to be with somebody. I've said this many times on this board, but you aren't really clinging to him. If you honestly think about it, you are clinging to the idea of who and what you thought he could be, when in reality he's not.

So, find somebody who actually DOES meet what you want/need in a partner. Not that I'm saying anybody is perfect, because nobody is.... but your relationship should be one of the things in life that makes you the happiest. It shouldn't be something just making you miserable. Good luck to you. You CAN do it. I know it will seem hard at first, but in time you'll be okay. Better than that even when you find a guy who truly appreciates you and/or when you instead find the appreciation in yourself that you deserved from him.

[lissy1265@gmail]

Sorry to hear about this. I am sure it is hard for you. There is always hope. Try to focus on you and what you enjoy. Maybe he will come back, but also maybe he will not. That may mean that there is someone better for you out there. Take this time to do the things you enjoy.

[richiro]

yeah a very tough and difficult situation to be in. What i'm going to recommend is that you stop tryihng to figure him out and realize it is NOT logical. (He is not operating under the same "logic" you and I are.. so sstop trying to figure him out ok? you're going to make your brain combust if you do that --- and who wants to date a gal with busted brains all over her head? did you simle? even just a little bit? )

ok.. i'll try to give a hig-lvel of what's goin on with him just so you hav the info - but if you don't understand that's okay. someday you will once you've come across enough people like him to the understand.

your bf is what i like to call.. "mr rockstar" not in that he IS one, but that he needs to have a rockstar "lifestyle" to be "happy" (or as you aptly put it.. "or so he thinks"). Unfortunately such people never really learn that the "rockstar life" is a fantasy life - it's not real. this is why he goes back n forth constantly. the "rockstar life" calls to us (especially with pop culture and the media always in our face about it) but then we quickly figure out it's a fraud. but it's addicting. Until he can say "i don't want or need the rockstar life anymore" - this will continue. nothing you can do about it.

Why do people get caught up in "rockstar" lifestyles? Quite simply these are insecure people, to an unhealthy degree. So the over-compensate for their life (which deep down they feel is boring, unexciting, etc.) by having to go "rockstar" outwardsly to cancel it. CAll it the "Walter Mitty" effect. These people are also a bit lazy - they are not interseted in working for anything. The do not have the discipline to sit thru and learn and work details - they have no time for that. They just want things quick and easy. Get to the punch line without having to design and build the joke. so these people typically have HUGE PLANS, ideas, want to do exciting things and accomplish exceiting things - are always talking about it - but in reality never do ANYTHIGN to help get themselves there. Theyu just want it.. they don't want to get it.

Unfortuantely you can't help him. Until he stops living in a fantasy world, wanting to be a rockstar, and learns to become focused and disciplined to do the GOUNDWORK that helps you get to a rockstar lifestyle - he will go nowhere. A whole lotta action and talking, zero results. Its hard not to love and want to help these types... but we can do nothing. Nor do they truly want to do the things they say - they want somebody else to do it for them and ride their coat tails.

It's not logical. but it IS PREVALENT and many people are like this. So you have 2 choices.. maybe 3 - but they're all the same:
1. be friend with knowing all this.. and stop helping him along (otherwise he'll neer learn).
2. be his woman with knowing all this.. but being disciplined yourself into not always saving or helmping him and letting him learn the hard way
3. walk away and let him learn b/c that's the only way he will someday..

good luck.

[TheEvilJester]

Wow! Richiro, I gotta say I am really glad you joined this site. I have found myself agreeing with almost everything you say. But, honestly, even if I didn't that would be okay. What I am digging even more so is the way in which you illustrate your opinion. You always have such a good way of explaining your thoughts out in a way that helps the reader understand and empathize with what you are trying to get across.

Once again, I think that is a great way to put it. This "rock star" life analogy is a great way to explain it. Because, guys like this, they seem to think to be happy is to run around and be with all sorts of different partners. They think being tied down to one person somehow causes them to miss out on life. What they fail to realize is that finding that one partner IS what can/should make life worth living. QUALITY not quantity. Me personally, I'd rather only ever date one woman in my life and wind up her being the right one right off the bat. Of course, I already managed to land the wrong one in the past, so too late for that. LOL! But I think you get my meaning.

What these guys also fail to realize is that even rock stars almost always eventually wind up settling down with one special person. Of course, he may not think he's a rock star. Maybe it's more he fancies himself some kind of playboy like Tony Stark or Bruce Wayne. But.... heck, even guys like that usually eventually want to settle down with one special person.

He's unlikely to ever change, and it isn't likely to be soon even if he does. Again, that would be perfectly fine if he did this with willing partners. You are not willing to be with somebody who cannot/will not commit to just you..... so he isn't right for you.

Good luck. You deserve to be the Pepper Potts to somebody's Tony Stark. The Mary Jane to somebody's Peter Parker. The Lois Lane to somebody's Clark Kent. The.... God I'm a nerd. LOL!